TRIX, No Longer Just For Kids Fuckers!

You Have Anymore In The Back? 

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. The TRIX Rabbit finally got his box of cereal. After years of torment he finally scraped up enough cash to buy himself a box. After years of selling his furry little ass on the streets for cash, he's finally come up with enough to buy himself a box of that fruity goodness. The picture above was captured by a convenience store security camera in Grand Forks, North Dakota last night. The TRIX rabbit marched in and finally got himself some TRIX. He even had enough loot for a second box, but the store was low on stock. He got his box and disappeared into the North Dakota night. After tasting the cereal he had been craving all his life, he released this statement to the press:

"Alright, first things first. I know that most of you have seen me on TV commercials throughout your childhood and probably think I'm always smiling and bouncing around like an ignorant bitch, scrambling endlessly for some stupid bowl of cereal. Well, that was the old me. I'm not proud of that time, but it's something I'm told I have to deal with, and I did.

"But Mr. Rabbit, what kind of asshole would go that crazy over a bowl of sugary cereal?", you are no doubt asking aloud. Well, I'll tell you what kind - the kind that's been BRAINWASHED over decades to believe that some crappy lumps of puffed corn with rainbow colors are the best things to happen since sliced bread and hookers.

Don't get me wrong, some people really like Trix: but those people haven't spent their whole lives trying to get their grubby little hands on just one bowl of it! For so long, they all told me, "Trix is the corn cereal with the natural taste of fruit! You can't resist the fruity flavors! You want them more than ANYTHING in the world!" And after a while, I started to believe them.

I can't even remember the amount of times I got excited about those fruity flavors: "Raspberry red, lemony yellow, orangy orange, grapity purple, lime green, wildberry blue, and watermelon" were literally haunting me. I used to have nightmares about giant grapes the size of boulders crushing me alive while cackling, "SILLY RABBIT!!! SILLY RABBIT!!!".

During one of my low points, I began fashioning nasty Trix replicas out of food coloring and rolled up lumps of cardboard. I would spend days at a time making enough pieces to fill just one bowl, then dance around in my apartment like a lunatic for a while, gloating about how I'd "finally gotten my Trix!!!" Then I'd try to eat the stuff and nearly choke to death. But just pretending to have Trix would make the pain go away, even if just for a little while. That's how pathetic I was.

But just wait, this story gets better. All the crazy get-ups and comical schemes designed to trick people into thinking I was a kid, just so I could have a taste of Trix? Well, I learned pretty early on that I wasn't getting anywhere with that junk. No matter how clever a scheme I came up with, some random little fucker would always expose me and PHYSICALLY TAKE the Trix from me, calling me a "silly rabbit" and asserting that Trix are just for kids. Oh, how I wanted to kick their little asses or send them packing to the Neverland Ranch.

For so long, I'd just fume for a while after each of these episodes, then dream up a new crazy plan. I knew they weren't going to work, I guess I just kept doing it because I didn't know anything else. I mean, I can't remember a time when I wasn't "working" for General Mills. Of course, it's more like slavery. But that's a story for another time. I decided I needed to change my angle. No more messing around with pirate costumes and stupid kids. I needed to go professional. So I saved up my meager salary for a while, nights of walking the streets strutting my furry little ass.

Well, I finally bought this Trix and HATED it. The stuff tastes like ass! I was expecting a fuckin' high or something: it's a bunch of puffed corn dyed different colors with faint flavoring. In fact, the stuff all tastes the same, there's no difference between "raspberry red" and "lemony yellow", except for the fact that one looks like an oblong lump and the other is some kind of weird bumpy triangle. Here I had been preaching for half a freaking century about all the "fruity flavors", and the stuff ends up tasting like a giant lump of shit, lightly sprinkled over a tiny bit of tasteless puffy corn. I had just learned that my entire adult life up to this point was a complete and utter WASTE.
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And don't even get me STARTED on discrimination issues. I had to sit and watch while hundreds of kids were openly handed bowls of deliciously fruity -- see, I'm doing it again -- of SHITTY Trix cereal, then told to eat them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The reason? I'm not a kid. I'm a rabbit. I can't begin to imagine how many laws that's in violation of. But I don't want to get political here.

By the way, didn't anyone ever realize the sick irony of making me the spokes rabbit for Trix, but NEVER LETTING ME TASTE IT?!? What marketing wizard came up with THAT gem? How am I supposed to accurately depict the quality of a cereal I've never eaten?!? Idiots.

I'm ashamed to know that for so long, I was an advocate of such a low-grade, mass-produced pile of shit. I was the unwitting puppet of the General Mills corporation, and for that I apologize to you, the masses. I beg of you you, stop the anti-rabbit discrimination, and stop supporting the grandiose delusions of cereals like Trix. Yeah, more like "Shit in a box".

T. Rabbit