E-Mail Chain Letters

Is anyone sick of those STUPID chain letters or forwarded e-mails that pop up in your inbox from people you know? When I see the subject heading with the letters FW in it, I cringe. Unless you are forwarding me pictures of your girlfriend naked or something really good to look at, leave me off the list!

E-chain letters have been around since e-mail began. You've seen them before: Send this e-mail to 15 people in 5 minutes and you will have good luck for a year, send it to 10 people and you will have good luck for a month, send it to 5 people and have good luck for a week, send it to no one and you die a bloody and painful death with forks jammed in your head. Ugh, I hate them so much. But...maybe my lack of forwarding e-mails along is why I work a job where I am underpaid and I meet crazy girls. I suppose that explains the 24 piece fork set protruding from my head also.

The newest fad is to send that ugly yellow ribbon, the one for "Our Troops", via e-mail and say that if you don't forward it on you are a communist bastard that wants our troops to die in bloody combat in Iraq. Or maybe they are about Iraq itself and give a couple images of soldiers standing next to a child, smiling, or a guy petting an Iraqi dog. These e-mails usually say something about how God is watching over them and that if you send this e-mail to 100 people the war might end and God will come down from the Heavens and turn all Iraqi infidels into kind and caring citizens. I hate these e-mails. I delete them. Every American supports our troops, even if we are against the war. They didn't start it and have nothing to do with the bureaucrats and politicians who play a game of Risk with the world. I don't need to forward a yellow ribbon along electronically or plaster one to my car to prove I care.

As an experiment, I created a chain letter myself. I made it just as annoying full of cliche drivel such as the shit that appears in my inbox everyday. I even put "return this to me to prove that you are a good friend" like A LOT of similar e-mails. I made it so cheery and upbeat that you couldn't tell it was made by a cynical bastard like me. But here's the twist: at the end of the e-mail, in small font but plainly in sight I put the words: If you send this e-mail back to me, I'll fucking hunt you down and kill you, you piece of shit. I hope you learn to either stop forwarding messages through the internet or rot in Hell like a serial killer.

And guess what? I got the e-mail back from almost everyone I sent it to. Sigh. It's probably out infesting the world as we speak.

If you see this e-mail or any other e-mail that requires you to forward it on, do me a favor and NOT send it to me, okay? Because I WILL hunt you down and kick your ass.