The Horror Depot

So, I made the mistake of going to Home Depot last night around 5PM. HUGE error in judgment right before a holiday weekend. On any account, I went and had a few adventures during my shopping excursion with Tatiana.


House of Horrors 

So as soon as we arrive we are greeted by the "candy kid." You all know who I am talking about. The kid who stands there with a box of M&M's and sells them for $2.00 a pack and claims the proceeds go to some charity or football camp. First of all, if I want M&M's, I'll buy them at a deli for 59 cents for that shitty fun-sized bag, not for $2.00. Secondly, show me a letter, a form, ANYTHING that proves you are selling these for a good cause and I MIGHT think about buying a bag, until then go peddle your fun-sized shit somewhere else.

So now we get into the store. I basically went there for ceramic briquettes for my gas grill, an outdoor broom, and a garden hose caddy that winds up your outdoor hose. So after about a half hour, my cart is OVERFLOWING with about 15 other things I really don't need. So I park the cart and we head to their outdoor center to look at plants and other outdoor decor for the deck. We are out there no more than 5 minutes and we come back in, to find my cart missing. So, I am looking up and down each aisle trying to locate the cart, can't find it. I ask an employee and she says "Oh, one of the girls that work here must have taken it thinking it was stuff somebody left behind." Basically she was telling me, TOO BAD FUCKER, START YOUR SHOPPING ALL OVER!!!! Which I had no choice but to do at that point. So I run through the aisles, looking like a contestant on that lame game show "Supermarket Sweep" trying to remember everything I had before and refilling the cart.

So, now that we are pushing an overflowing cart and carrying shit too because we can't say no to any sale item, Tatiana decides she wants to look at bird feeders. I am thinking, bird feeder, we both live on a barrier island on a beach where there are basically just seagulls, what the fuck is she thinking? She puts a bird feeder and bird seed on top of everything in the cart. So, stupidly I ask, "What are you going to do with that?" She replies, "Feed the birds." I say, "What birds?" She replies, "The birds I hear chirping." Rather than get into a whole nature discussion about barrier islands in the tool aisle, I just say...."ok." Granted, there are a few species of birds here in Long Beach, but mainly seagulls which are ravenous vulchers. So basically this is an open invitation for every seagull to hang out on my deck this summer and shit up the furniture and the cars. This is a fuckin' Alfred Hitchcock movie waiting to happen. If I disappear and don't blog for a few days, someone call the police to my house, where they will find a pecked to death skeleton wearing a Yankees cap.

So, that was the kickoff to my weekend. I am off to work outside and duck divebombing seagulls. Hope everyone is enjoying their day!!!!