The Latest In Bridal Fashion...
Well, we have all heard the Runaway Bitch, I mean Runaway Bride story by now. The latest is that her fiance forgives her and was quoted as saying that "we all mess up, we all make mistakes." Apparently this dude still wants to marry her despite her lies and bullshit. Would you forgive this person if she (or if it was a he) did this to you?
I found this website that defines forgiveness as the following:
Based on Philosophical, Traditional (Hebrew, Christian, Islamic, Confucian, and Buddhist traditions, among others), Psychological and Developmental principles. Gleaned from a large survey of readings, professional dialogue, and stories of forgiveness written by volunteers.
1.What it is:
Moral
It is a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).
It is a turning to the "good" in the face of this wrongdoing.
Goodwill
Merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
Generosity or offering good things such as: attention, time, remembrances on holidays.
Moral Love or contributing to the betterment of the other.
Paradoxical
It is the foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.
As we give the gift of forgiveness we ourselves are healed.
Beyond duty
A freely chosen gift (rather than a grim obligation).
The overcoming of wrongdoing with good.
2. What it is not:
Forgetting/Denial
Time passing/ignoring the effects of the wrongdoing.
Condoning
Nothing that bad happened. It was only this one time. It won't happen again.
Excusing
The person did this because.....it wasn't really their responsibility.
Condemning
She/he deserves to know they have wronged me.
"Forgiving" with a sense of moral superiority.
Seeking Justice or Compensation
Forgiveness is not a quid pro quo deal--it doesn't demand compensation first.
3. Important Distinction:
Forgiveness: One person's moral response to another's injustice
Reconciliation: Two parties coming together in mutual respect
Pretty Interesting.
What's the biggest act/behavior/thing that someone did to you that you were able to forgive? I am a pretty forgiving person but I NEVER forget what someone did and usually my trust is eroded with that person to a point. If the person shows genuine remorse for what they did and can rebuild the trust I can be very forgiving, but I don't like it when people never genuinely apologize and still make excuses for what they did, that pisses me off. I think forgiving takes up a great deal less energy than holding a grudge. There are, however, certain behaviors that can't be forgiven. I have a huge issue with liars. People who lie straight to my face over and over, then justify it with bullshit excuses really bother me. I usually don't forgive liars. A white lie is one thing, I am talking about pure deceit.
Can you forgive liars, cheats, or other acts?
7 comments:
I can totally forgive all of those things for two reasons:
1. I don't have the energy for a grudge. I care about myself too much to let someone else suck that kind of life out of me. Indifference is the best possible outcome when you've been hurt.
2. I've messed up so much in my life, needed second chances, needed forgiveness, that just because someone's transgression may not be my own, doesn't mean I haven't also hurt people in my own way, intentionally or not.
I try really hard to always do what's best for me and others, but we're all human, and by definition, imperfect. I must forgive other's imperfections if I expect mine to also be forgiven.
Okay, I'm off the soapbox.
Well I can't stand being stood up or being lied to.
If information is kept from me thats one thing. If I ask about it and then its kept, then its considered a lie. Then it becomes very uncool.
Can I forgive?
Hell yah.
Of course there is alwasy a series of events that make it a possible journey. If the events don't take place it can make it more difficult.
A sincere apology is alwasy the #1 place to start..........
Hmmm...
You know, I'd LIKE to be the kind of person Steph is. However, I have a set of horns that protrude ever so slightly from my head at all times. (Okay, they're cowlicks, but I CALL them horns !)
I'd have to say that if I were in his shoes, I would step back from her and let her deal with herself. Obviously she ran scared; question is, from what. There's gotta be more than just cold feet from wedding planning here. She has some issues, and nobody can help her but HER. Step back, buddy, and let her stand on her own. IF... and I say IF... your relationship is to continue and move forward, you BOTH need to heal some wounds first.
*steps down from the podium*
I agree with Steph, I think we've all made mistakes and wanted forgiveness. The ONE must in me being able to forgive someone is if they are GENUINELY sorry for what they did. If they are, I can move ahead and let it go.
Kristi- Great point about information being kept. If you ASK someone about something and they still keep it, it is indeed a lie. It shows a lack of respect for someone if you can't just tell the truth.
HolymotherofGod-I agree about this Runaway Bride. This guy definitely needs to step back and let this woman figure her life out and figure out WHAT she ran from.
For the un-groom, I'm not sure that this is a question of forgiveness. Forgive what -- that she scared the hell out of her friends and family? That she wasted thousands of taxpayers' dollars needlessly? That she made him look un-marryable?
He's wasting his time and brain cells by focuing on whether or not to forgive her. He should be asking whether this woman would be coming into this marriage fully engaged heart, mind, and soul. The fact that she took off may suggest she's got some doubts. And THAT's where his focus should be... on whether or not he wants to marry someone who has a big red flag circled around the second finger of her left hand instead of her wedding band.
I am not the most forgiving of people, but if someone fesses up and is totally honest about something then I can get over it, but if they lie about it...they are just digging themselves a deeper hole!
I can forgive, but I usually don't forget. Not sure if I could forgive a cheater though. The relationship would never be the same. Once a cheating bastard, always a cheating bastard!
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