REAL Reality Television!!!!

Now here's a show idea nobody seems to have thought of. Michael Jackson as "The Bachelor". He could select one of about 12 boys he wants to have a romantic relationship with.


$1,000,000 Idea!!!!!!!!(click to enlarge) 

The show could be similar to the real "Bachelor" only Michael's dates would involve trips to the arcade, Chuck E. Cheese, Fun Zone, long walks by the playground, and instead of giving them a rose, he could hand them a lollipop or an ice cream.

I think this show would be a smash hit!!!!! What other celebrity/formats do you think would make an amusing or interesting reality show? Or, what would you add to Michael's Bachelor program?

The Reunion

Bands break up all the time. Some do so because a band member dies, quits the band, or sometimes band members don't get along after a while. If you could make a band, or two, or three reunite so you could see them in concert one final time, what band(s) would you choose? The band members in your fictional reunion could be dead or alive, this is just for fun and discussion. Here is my list:

The Beatles
Van Halen (with David Lee Roth)
INXS
The Doors
Guns N' Roses
Journey (with Steve Perry)
Styx (with Dennis DeYoung)
Chicago (with Peter Cetera)

Ok, now for your reunion concert(s)!

Porn Collections

I seriously don't have any kind of porn collection. I may have like 2 VHS tapes and 2 DVDs that I borrowed from friends and never returned. I must say, the convenience of DVD as opposed to VHS when you need to "take care of businees" is amazing. The old way you were taking care of business with one hand and aiming the remote with the other fast forwarding or rewinding to the scene you wanted. It's funny seeing people bang at fast forward speed though. I always crack up. The tracking would get bad after a while and the picture would be jumping and you'd try to see what's going on in some kind of detail. Now, the clarity and the hands free option of the DVD is amazing. You pick the scene and spank away. Your hands are where they belong when the porn is on. No more distractions!

How many of you have tried to watch porn on a scrambled channel? Come on, we ALL have!!! It's tough trying to take care of business through all those lines and jumping picture. It's like, "wait, I think I just saw a breast!!!!" then you realize it's a cantaloupe and you are watching Food Network. Kind of a mood killer.....Back in the early days of cable TV, they had this remote that had a wire that went all the way to the cable box. it had this big ass dial on it. If you'd put the dial in between channels and wedged a butter knife (see how handy butter knives are????) you'd get channels you did not pay for. I wonder if my parents wondered why all the butter knives were gone and why they were all in my room......

I never had a porn collection because I was scared of dying tragically in a car accident and my family would be summoned to my house to gather all my belongings and stumble across the collection. There should be a spot on your driver's license for "first responder." This is a friend you put down on the back of the license who is first to be notified of your demise and who's job it is to go to your home and clean out the porn stash before family is notified of your death. You know, right next to the organ donor spot. I can see me laying on the side of the Parkway, bleeding to death, saying "get the porn!" Nice last words huh?

Who would your "first responder" be? Who would you want to get to your house to clean out the porn, the sex toys, and other stuff you would not want your parents or family to see? I'd have to go with The Sugar V. He loves porn and would love to add to his already extensive collection. Only thing is Sugar V, the few I have are straight porn, sorry!

The Butter Knife

Was it just in my dysfunctional family or did everyone's family use a butter knife as a tool? I can remember how vital the butter knife was in keeping our house together, literally. Keep in mind, we had about a dozen tool boxes in our shed FILLED with tools, yet the butter knife was the tool of choice. My Mom would put everything together with a butter knife. I am talking swing sets, barbeque grills, furniture, bicycles and all kinds of toys. She would never really read the instructions, she'd just have the cigarette in her mouth burning down to the filter with a 6" ash hanging off of it, parts to what she was building spread out all over the ground, and she'd yell, "GET ME A BUTTER KNIFE!!!!!!" She'd sit on the ground all frustrated with that cigarette hanging out of her mouth cursing until she put it together with that handy dandy butter knife. It didn't matter if it was a regular or phillips screw, the butter knife was used. Did anyone else experience the legend of the butter knife?

A Stall Man, For Life

Who invented the urinal? I always wondered about that. When did society decree it was acceptable for men to line up and urinate out in the open? The Sugar V loves urinals. It's an awkward situation to be standing there urinating with someone so close to you that you are almost shoulder to shoulder. You stare straight ahead with nothing you can really say. You can't hum or sing because everyone else will think you are insane. I don't want anyone checking out the goods, getting jealous and shit.

Then there's the pressure of actually peeing while you know others are standing behind you waiting for the urinal. This is common at baseball games, concerts, and bars. You feel like you are on a timer. It's like the final Jeopardy! answer and the song is almost done. That's why I am a stall man, always have been, always will be. I like the luxury and the comfort of a stall. Even if someone is waiting outside the stall, the pressure isn't as great to hurry and get out because that door suddenly looms as large as the once mighty Berlin Wall.

I think work bathrooms are the worst because these are people you have to see daily. There is nothing worse than going into a work bathroom where there is nobody in there but it stinks from the last person. As you pee and wash up and leave, somebody you work with comes in and thinks you created the stench....it's an awkward feeling. Seriously though, some of the odors in the work bathrooms are horrible. If my crap smelled like that bathroom after some of these people go, I'd seek immediate medical attention. What the hell are they eating????? And it never hurts to flush after you go...isn't that why we have indoor plumbing???? Some of these people refuse to flush! Is it a religious thing? FUCKERS! FLUSH!!!!!

I think I may have a phobia of public restrooms. What is that phobia called? Urinalphobia? Stenchaphobia? I don't know. The only time I go at a urinal is when I am totally drunk, then I'll pee anywhere. I say stalls across the board for men and women with doors that go all the way to the ground. There should be a red or green occupied thingy on the door to determine if someone's in there or not...not this looking for feet nonsense. Take it from me, that does not always work. I walked in on somebody at work sitting on the bowl one day because he didn't lock his stall and I didn't see his feet. Not the most comfortable situation. That image is still cemented on my brain!

I am a stall man, forever, for life! Everyone knows my public bathroom handblower story, what crazy shit have you witnessed in public bathrooms?

"Dancing With the Stars"

America surely is going down the toilet. Can you believe 20 million people watched that fuckin' horrible show "Dancing With the Stars" last week? How fucking desperate are people for entertainment in this country? Who would waste an hour out of their life to sit and watch this complete shit? Who the hell wants to watch former heavyweight champion Holyfield or J. peterman from Seinfeld dancing for a fuckin' hour?

Here is a list of things I'd rather do than watch this show tonight at 9pm:

Drag my balls over 5 acres of rusted tin can lids
Pull all the hair from my body with a DULL tweezer
Give Roseann Barr a gynecological exam
Stick my penis in the bottle crusher at the supermarket
Roll around in a steaming pile of Bruce's dog shit
Listen to the Village People for a week straight
Go shopping for 8 hours with an ex girlfriend
Watch the Sugar V perform his version of the Nutcracker in a tutu
Observe a legless Ethiopian helplessly watch a donut roll down a hill

What would you rather do than watch this horrible show????

Mission Accomplished, My Ass!!!!

Back on May 2, 2003 just a few weeks after the U.S invaded Iraq President Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" aboard the USS Lincoln. What was this asshole thinking?????

Here we are more than two years later and we are no more closer to accomplishing that mission than we were then. 1700+ casualties and 13,000+ wounded soldiers later, we still have no strategy there. The borders are not sealed, Iraqi's are not trained, and the vast majority of nations still refuse to participate in this mission.


May 2nd, 2003 

It's time for the people of this country to wake up. If you want to "support the troops" for real, demand that this Administration get this right. Instead of putting a bullshit ribbon magnet on the back of your gas guzzling SUV, take to the streets and demand change. Instead of waving a flag and claiming to be patriotic while having blind faith in this government, demand change. People in this country have NO balls anymore. Since 9/11/01 this government has us all believing that if we disagree with this war or anything else this government force feeds us, that we are bad Americans or not patriotic. It's actually the opposite. Those who challenge policies and the staus quo and want this country better are the real patriots.

I don't want to hear anyone's 9/11 bullshit speech. This war has NOTHING to do with 9/11. The man who is responsible for that is still laughing at us and still hiding while we create a distraction someplace else. Iraq, thanks to this war, is now a breeding ground and a rally cry for terrorism. We've made things worse. Bush had all of us in his corner after 9/11/01, he had a country united. Now, it's as divided as it's ever been. His speech tonight was a masquerade and a total joke just to spike his approval ratings. If it takes more troops to finish the job, then do what has to be done, just get this resolved and get our troops out of there sooner rather than later.

My question to everyone is this, when are we, as citizens going to wake up? Gas is headed for $3.00 a gallon, the war is dragging on, the Supreme Court is stripping us of our rights, the FDA is on the side of the drug companies and not looking out for us, healthcare and prescription costs are out of control, the economy sucks, Bin Laden is still on the loose, the FCC is censoring everything we see and hear, and we are all just sitting back letting this happen. Let's wake up!

UNDERrated Bands/Artists

As you all know, I write posts about music regularly. I recently posted a blog about the most OVERRATED bands/artists. We all came up with some good selections. Ok, today's post is about UNDERRATED bands/artists. What bands or artists do you feel are amazing but don't get the credit or recognition they deserve by critics, the media, or music fans. Here is a short list that I came up with:

The Cult- What can I say??!! This band kicked ass! "She Sells Sanctuary" "Fire Woman" and "Sweet Soul Sister" were just some of their hits. AMAZING band that never got their props!

Billy Squier- This guy kicked ass up and down the charts in the 1980's. "The Stroke", "Lonely is the Night", "In the Dark", "My Kinda Lover", "Rock Me Tonite", and "Everybody wants You" were just some of his songs. This guy had a great voice, a great band, and a good rock edge.

Jackson Browne- Although he was pretty popular in the 1970's and is in the rock n' roll hall of fame (inducted 2004) he never got the fanfare he deserved. Amazing vocalist and writer!

Bob Seger- Inducted into the rock n' roll hall of fame in 2004 also, Bob Seger really flew under the radar for years. He is another great singer/songwriter that was never in the limelight too often.

Triumph- A 1980's rock band that was amazing. Great lyrics, amazing musical compositions, and great live performances. MTV put them on the map in the 80's but they never got the attention they should have. If you've never heard their music, check it out!

Kansas- Another 70's/80's rock band that never got the credit they deserved. You all probably know "Dust In the Wind" but that was far from their best.

Candlebox- Great early 90's band. I loved many of their songs, but they vanished off the face of the planet. I thought they were very talented. "Far Behind" and "You" were incredible tracks!!!

Let's hear your selections for most underrated bands/artists......

Highway Observations

I see so many things on the roads daily that make me wonder what people are thinking. Some can be funny observations, some are just plain frustrating.

This morning, some dude was broken down and parked over on the side of the parkway. He was in a suit, apparently on his way to work when he broke down. What was he doing? He was doing what 90% of people who break down on the road do, staring under the hood. What the fuck is that going to do??? Unless you know how to fix a car, why even bother? If it's something minor, and you are somewhat bright, perhaps you can do a quick fix to get yourself to a local service station. If it's something major why fuck with things under that hood???? You aren't going to fix your transmission with a plastic spork from last week's Taco Bell run. Just call someone!!!!! I like just watching the look on these people's faces who think they are going to fix their electrical system with a 7-11 coffee stirrer and a Big Gulp lid.

Then there are the people driving who have to SLOW DOWN to get a look at the dude fixing his car with the Taco Bell spork. What do you think you are going to see that's so fuckin' interesting that you need to reduce your speed to 5MPH???? If you want something good to watch, get cable TV asshole, don't tie up my commute.

Then there are the accident observers. I think most people WANT to see injured people or corpses all over the highway! Why else would you slow down and gawk at the accident???? What does someone get out of this? Ok, so you get a glimpse of an arm hanging off someone and blood all over the road.....now what? You have a good dinner story at home tonight? What the fuck does seeing it accomplish, keep moving!!!!!!!!! I never understood and hour backup in traffic to get a glimpse of a smashed car. It just does not make sense! A plane crash, ok, stop and have a look. Earthquake damage, ok, I'll let that slide. A fuckin' volcano erupting, by all means, slow down and snap a picture or two, but a fuckin' fender bender, get a life!!!!

What observations have you made on the roadways that annoy the hell out of you????

Reader Appreciation Day!

I am declaring today "Bored at the Beach" reader appreciation day! I want to start by thanking everyone who stops by in their daily travels. You have all made this blogging experience a great deal more fun than I ever thought it would be. I've always enjoyed writing, but doing it in this forum has been a fun and rewarding experience. I enjoy everyone's comments and perspectives on all the topics I've posted. I've agreed with many comments and disagreed on a few, but that's the great thing about blogging. We all get to voice our opinions without fear of judgment and we do so in a respectful manner. But, you get the occasional "anonymous" douchebag with no balls who feels he/she can make stupid comments and hide behind their screen, it's all part of the fun. It's really great to hear about all of your experiences and how you relate to mine. I look forward to many more blogging weeks/months/years to come!

When I first started this blog back on January 13th, I only had a few readers. The Sugar V got me started on this blog and would come by and post his usual wise crack comments. Supplymadam has been a loyal reader since day one also. Then Bridget and Molly came along and it just started to attract more and more readers. I've gotten to know many of you and I check in on what's going on in your lives daily by reading your blogs. It's been a real pleasure getting to know so many fine people. For you first time readers, be sure to check out my links to the left. There are so many great blogs listed there. Some are full of humor, some showcase a more serious side of life, and some are a combination of both. Definitely check them all out!

In honor of "Reader Appreciation Day" I am going to field questions from all of you today. Maybe there is something about me you'd like to know or maybe you'd like to know the background behind something I've written in the past. Also, feel free to tell me what you like and don't like about this site! It's your day, so chat it up!!!! Nothing is off limits today. Be sure to vote for me by clicking on the brown box to the left if you are a big fan of the site to keep my rankings at a respectable level!! :)

Monday Exhaustion

Wow, did I have trouble waking up today! I feel like I haven't blogged in a month! I was so wrapped up in everything and had so much to do this weekend. It went by in a flash, as it always does.

It was a good weekend! I got to catch up with some friends I had not seen in a bit. I got a good amount of yard work done, I got in 2 nice runs, I went to Costco and loaded up for CMACAPALOOZA III on July 9th, and I had a couple of bbq's at the house. A fun AND productive weekend!

Have any of you ever tried to throw away old garbage cans? It's almost impossible. I think garbage men are trained to treat garbage pails well and not throw them out. I've tried everything, putting them in larger pails, turning them upside down, piling stuff on them, and they just won't take them! Do I have to post a sign on them that says "Throw Me Out!!!!"? Quite a dilemma!

From what I hear, this "Bewitched" movie tanked this weekend. It was supposed to to a great deal better. I hate when they make movies out of old TV shows because they usually SUCK! Remember The Flintstones Movie? That blew. Starsky and Hutch, that blew. The Hulk, that blew. They should leave these "classics" alone! Now they are coming out with the "Honeymooners" movie, only thing is, they are African American. That would be like white people making a movie out of "The Jeffersons." It's just a bad idea! What other TV shows have they turned into movies that sucked? I know I am missing a bunch! My mind is not quite working yet today!

it's so foggy and humid today, it's nasty! I hope the upcoming weekend is as beautiful as this past weekend was! Hopefully the week will be over quickly!

A Little About C-Mac......

Ok, even though I am not a big fan of these “tags” I’ll do this one because Kate sent it to me. Time to know a little but more about me:

10 Years Ago…..I was managing a very large retail store, dating a girl named Danielle. I was young and pretty naïve about people and the world. Although I am very out going and personable today, I was even more so back then. Hootie and the Blowfish was the big band played on the radio that summer. You could not go 10 minutes without hearing a Hootie song in the summer of ’95. It was a pretty fun time in my life, but I would not go back if I could.

5 Years ago….I started coming to Long Beach regularly because I had just met a girl named Joyce. We ended up dating for 3 years and living together. Looking back, it was a fun time in my life. That summer and that time molded the person I am today and introduced me to the great community where I live today. I remember the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s album "Californication" being played that summer and it was the summer of Destiny’s Child’s debut. I had this little convertible Geo Tracker that I used to take up on the beach and chill. This is definitely one of the times in my life I would go back to. That summer I also introduced my friend Doug to Joyce’s friend Alison. They were married 2 years ago and just had a baby boy named Logan last month.

1 Year ago….I had just moved into the house I live in now. I was just settling in and getting acquainted with the neighborhood. I was planning CMACAPALOOZA II and enjoying the summer. I’ve made some good friends since then like The Sugar V. I’ve gotten to know many more people at work on a personal level because last summer I had only been at my job a few months. I’ve enjoyed the friendships I’ve built and the people I’ve gotten to know. Last summer was the summer of Usher. You could not turn on a radio without hearing an Usher song. Anytime I hear “Oh yeah” or “Confessions” it takes me back to the summer of ’04.

Yesterday….I had a nice talk with K-FO. I’m looking forward to us being there for each other and moving on. I hope you can regain my trust slowly but surely. I had a 5k run at night that I did very well in. I watched my beloved Yankees lose again, this time to the Mets!

Today…I got up early, watered the lawn, ran 6.5 miles and now I am cooling off with some water. I am going to get some sun, do some work in the yard, take Bruce to the dog park, go to Costco for some CMACAPALOOZA III party stuff and hopefully hit the town tonight.

Tomorrow….Will be a lazy day at the beach and a BBQ.

5 Snacks I Enjoy…Cool Ranch Doritos, red and green grapes, chocolate chip cookies, English muffin pizzas, cantaloupe

5 Songs I know all the words to….Honestly, hundreds. I am a musical maven. I could seriously name hundreds! But I will just say “Born to Run” (Springsteen), “Honesty” (Billy Joel), “Moondance” (Van Morrison), “Let It Be” (The Beatles), and “What’s Goin’ On (Marvin Gaye)

5 Reality TV Shows I watch……Survivor, The Apprentice, The Biggest Loser, The Contender, and American Idol.

5 TV Shows I watch Daily…..Nightly News, Yankee Games. (sorry only 2!!)

5 Things I would do with $100,000,000….Buy a house in the Hamptons, Pay off all my friends’ and family’s debt, Travel, buy Bruce a bunch of brothers and sisters, help out people in need.

5 locations I would run away to…..Hawaii, Aruba, Fiji, Palau, Bermuda

5 things I like doing…..(I assume this is other than sex????) Running, writing, cooking, laughing with friends, and hanging out with Bruce.

5 things I would never wear….A speedo, cowboy boots, sandals/opened toed shoes(except on beach), those “Gilligan” looking sun hats, and any Hawaiian shirt pattern.

5 recently seen movies that I like…”Million Dollar Baby” “Cinderella Man” that’s all I can think of, not a summer movie goer.

5 famous people I want to meet….Bruce Springsteen (the man is a genius), Don Mattingly (the best baseball player I have ever seen), Cristina Aguilera (In a hotel room for about 3 weeks), Bill Clinton (great politician), and Former NY Governor Mario Cuomo (a great speaker and a bright man).

5 biggest joys of the moment….Getting back into great shape, my blog, my dog Bruce, my friends at work and at home, seeing my dad get a bit better from his stroke last year.

5 people to tag…..It’s the weekend, enjoy everyone! No tagging!

Mid-Summer Form

Just got back from my 5k run...a great time for me, I finished in 23:08!!! Not bad for 3.1 miles! This winter (February) I did a 5k and I finished in 28:44, so I guess that winter rust is gone and that little winter padding is also gone! I am happy I averaged slightly uner 8:00 per mile....that's fast for me, I am more a distance runner, not a fast runner! Off to celebrate with some booze!



A Strong Finish For C-Mac 

Of course, I had to make a few observations after the race. Long Beach always has the trophy ceremony after the race which includes a BBQ, water, and other refreshments. This 400lb dude was behind the HUGE grill grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. Who is eating that after sprinting 3 miles? Also, the dude was sweating like a pig, was handling all the meat and buns with no gloves, and for every three hamburgers he was making, he was eating one. Like I might eat anything his nasty, sweaty hands were all over! I'll have dinner right here!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone! Let's see how many drinks I can down in 23:08 now!!

Friday Tidbits

Well folks, we just about made it through another week! I actually thought this week went pretty fast. Forecast for Long Beach, NY this weekend, SUNNY and close to 90 both days!!! How do you beat that? You know where I will be.

I have my first summer race tonight at 7. It's only a 5k, so it is a breeze. It's the Long Beach kickoff to summer race. I enjoy night races much more than the morning races. My body does not seem to wake up until about 10am, well, most parts anyway.

Can you believe next weekend is July 4th weekend already? This summer needs to slow down a bit! Let's be honest, it's flying by huh? July 4th weekend is by far, the best weekend of the year, I am looking forward to it! The weekend after that, CMACAPALOOZA III!!!! The trash talking has begun already. Our buddy Chris here at work is talking a big game about his beer pong skills and The FREAKYVIRGIN is talking smack right back. Should be a good battle on July 9th. I wonder if we'll see "The Moon Over Long Beach" that night. Something tells me my front lawn is going to be full of passed out people. Makes for good pics here though!

Summer is a time when we all roll down the windows in the car and crank up the tunes. This morning's "Bored at the Beach" question is, what song(s) do you love driving to? You know what I am talking about, the song or songs that make you feel like you are driving a Ferrari even if you are driving a dirty 1974 Gremlin. For me, I have two songs that I totally hit the gas pedal and go nuts to. Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down A Dream" it's just a great driving tune. The other, which is on the other end of the musical spectrum is "Act A Fool" by Ludacris. Somehting about those two songs that are just great for driving.

Thanks to DarianJ and Sugar V for making it a fun week. Our little Blogging Comedy was fun and we hope you all enjoyed the laughs. From Eric Estrada to Mr. Rogers, it was just plain funny!

Ok, off to start my half day here. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend! I'll be checking in at some sober point this weekend. Enjoy!!!!

Mister Sugar V's Neighborhood

Won't You Be...My Neighbor???(click on pic for a closeup) 

Welcome little boys, to another exciting episode of Mr. Sugar V's Neighborhood! Today we have so many surprises for you, you like surprises right? Just don't tell anyone, it will be our "little secret", ok? Just like our trip to Neverland after our "special friend" Michael came out of his "time out."

First let's thank our sponsors, you see at the bottom of your screen, Thanks to Viagra for letting us play for hours. Next, let's thank Jimmy Dean Sausage for providing us with our lunchtime snack. Let's also not forget our good friends at KY and Vaseline for keeping things slip sliding with fun around my neighborhood. Last but not least, let's not leave them "behind" our good friends at ACME Anal Beads for providing us with all of our toys. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Joining us first today, is someone we all love, me especially, Mr. Elton John!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! Elton and I have a "close" friendship as you can see. He is happy I covered his song a few years back, only I changed it up a bit. Let's sing boys...."Don't Let Your Son, Go Down On me......" VERY GOOD!!!! Thanks for dropping by Sir Elton!!!

Next is my little "buddy", Mini Me!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY! Mini and I like to wrestle, do you like wrestling boys????? I start off by putting my hand right here on Mini me....(is the camera rolling, oh) we'll show you the rest later boys!!!!

DING DONG DING DONG!!!!! Who could that be????? Oh gosh, it's my favorite movie theater buddy, PEE WEE HERMAN!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Seen any good movies lately???? I'll meet you at the theater later good buddy!(keep it low) Say bye to Pee Wee boys!!!!! "BYE PEE WEE!!!!!!!"

Last but not least it's my favorite friend, we'll call it "Pat." Pat is a bit confusing because it is both male and female. Do you know what that's called boys? That's called a she-male. Only this one is a toy that we blow up. Who wants to help Mr. Sugar blow it up????

Well that does it for another exciting episode of Mr. Sugar V's Neighborhood!!! Thanks for "coming" boys!!!!!!! As I always say, "Have a ball, boys!!!!!!!"

Thanks once again to DarianJ for his artistic abilities. Be sure to check out his site, "Land of Confusion".

Pardon My French

Don't you hate when someone says, "You cocksucking mother fucking bastard" and then says "Pardon My French"? I think that's the stupidist expression ever. Why was French the chosen language? Why not just say pardon my language or excuse me?????

I despise stupid expressions like this.

Driving Fun

Before I start my post, I must say, the Humor Blogging war between Sugar V, DarianJ, and I is in full swing! It's some funny stuff for sure! Good comeback Sugar V, but you have no idea what's coming your way next!!!!!

So yesterday it was a stormy, rainy, and LONG ride home from work. I was bored on the ride home, looking for something to occupy my mind. As I was slowly driving into Long Beach, there was this big truck in front of me that said "Ed's Home Improvements." It went on to list the office number and Ed's Cell phone number. A light bulb went off in my head. I wondered, what are the odds that Ed himself is driving the truck? I proceeded to *67 my cell and call Ed's cell. here is how the conversation went:

Ed: Hello
C-Mac: Hi Ed
Ed: Who is this?
C-Mac: It's me!
Ed: Me who?
C-Mac: Come on Ed, it's me...are you in Long Beach yet?
Ed: Yes I am, who is this?
C-Mac: Oh yeah, you are driving past Waldbaum's (supermarket)!
Ed: Who the fuck is this?
Kids cross the street....
C-Mac: ED! Watch out for those kids!!!!!
Ed: Who IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Traffic light turns red
C-Mac: Oh shit Ed, another red light!
Ed gets out of his truck and is looking around at all the cars behind him, next to him, in front of him trying to guess who it is.....
Ed: I am going to find you
C-Mac: You were looking right at me asshole
Ed gets out of his truck again as the light turns green, everyone is beeping at him, he's tying up rush hour traffic
C-Mac: Ed you better get back in your truck before someone kicks your ass
Ed: If I find you, I will kick your ass!!!!
I see a guy 2 cars over from Ed in a Black BMW talking on a phone.
C-Mac: Besides Ed, my Black BMW is fast, you'll never catch me.
Ed sees the guy on the phone in the BMW and starts yelling at him. The BMW guy is baffled and is like what the fuck? Ed is on foot outside the BMW, I go driving by, I honk my horn, wave and speed away.
Ed (still on the open line): I'm going to kill you
C-Mac: Bye Ed, nice chatting with you!!!!!!
Ed: I am going to hunt you down!!!!!!!!!!!
C-Mac: You will never find me Ed

S.V. (Sugar V) Hammer

DarianJ and I were browsing around today and we just happened to stumble across a picture of the Sugar V back in his glory days. We also stumbled upon some song lyrics he had written back in the day. It's too bad MC Hammer stole his concept and his lyrics and made them his own. Sugar V, you could have been a contender!!!! His reunion tour will be featured on tonight's Arsenio Hall show.


STOP!!!!! SUGAR TIME!!!!! 

Now for the lyrics we found in his desk drawer........

My, my, my hammer hits them so hard,
Makes chicks say, Oh my Lord!
Thank you, for banging me,
with a hammer so fine and so sweet.
It feels good, when they go down,
I'm a super dope boy from a small town.
Sugar is known as such,
And his meat, you can't touch

I told you homeboy (you can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how I'm banging and you know (you can't touch this)
Look at my bulge, man (you can't touch this)
Yo, let me bust my funky lyrics (and my nut) (you can't touch this)

Fresh new thong, in my pants,
Wedged so deep makes me wanna dance.
I jump outta my seat,
I do a spin and adjust my meat.
While I'm stroking, hold on,
Pump a little bit, let 'em know what's goin' on
Like that, Like that
I'm on a mission, can't hold back
I let 'em know that I'm too much
and this is the meat, they can't touch

Thanks to DarianJ over at "Land Of Confusion" for all his hard work to bring us this fine picture!!!!!

For some C-Mac bashing, be sure to check out Sugar V's site! Nothing like some good, wholesome friendly fun, huh Sugar V???

Not sure about you, but this reminds me of the Biggie Smalls/Tupac Shakur East Coast/West Coast rap war!!!!! Hopefully I won't end up with a Jeep full of bullets and Sugar V won't be releasing new songs years after his demise!

The Name Game

I think at some point in our lives, we got teased about our name because it rhymed with something or it was similar to something funny. For instance, I was called "Charleston Chew" "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" "Charles in Charge" and "Choo Choo Charlie." Stupid, but kids will make fun of almost ANY name. I was thinking this morning of names that are guaranteed to get someone made fun of or beat up that parents should never name a kid:

DICK- Avoid giving your children a slang name for male or female genitalia.
GAYLORD- Would you name your child "Homo"?
TUCKER- Stay away from names that obviously rhyme with curse words that could be used against your child.
HARRY- Especially if the child's last name is Cox, Beaver or Peters.
PRECIOUS- Any name that's a compliment, especially a delicate one, is practically like holding up a sign saying "I dare you to hit me."
ADOLF- What's wrong -- were "Osama" and "Saddam" already taken?

WHAT ARE SOME NAMES YOU THINK WARRANT AN AUTOMATIC BEATING??????

Were you ever teased about your name? If so, what did they call you?

The Penalty Box

We all did stupid or dishonest things when we were younger. Most of us told lies, cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend, or did stupid shit when we were in our teens and early 20's.

Back when I was 21, I had been dating the same girl since I was 18. I was starting to get a bit bored, but I cared about my girlfriend and was not ready to break up with her. While I was in school, I worked as a manager in retail. I would meet with vendors weekly to place orders and negotiate prices on products for the store. There was this one sales representative named Laurie. She was about 25 and was smokin' hot. She would walk in the store and EVERY guy would just stop and stare. I got friendly with Laurie and found out she liked hockey as much as I did. I am a huge NY Islanders fan, and Laurie, being from NJ, was a huge Devils fan. It just so happened the Islanders were going to play the Devils here on Long Island the following week. So, I asked Laurie to go with me. She did not know I had a girlfriend, and at the time, I did not know she had a boyfriend. All the guys I worked with were huge hockey fans and NEVER missed an Islander game on TV, nor did my girlfriend. So, that night I told all the guys at work I was going with Laurie, they were all jealous but told me to have fun. I told my girlfriend I was going to the game with my boss.

So, it's the night of the game and Laurie meets me at my store. I drive us to the Coliseum. We are having fun laughing and talking. She asks where the seats are. "I said, "Honestly, I don't know, I just asked the ticket dude for the best he had." So we have a few beers and head inside to take our seats. The usher meets us and escorts us down the stairs, we keep getting closer, and closer and closer to the ice. I was thinking, awesome, these seats are going to rock!! He finally seats us right behind the penalty box. It did not dawn on me right away, but all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.....I am going to be on TV EVERY time there is an Islander penalty!!!! Only problem was, these two seats were alone, nobody sitting on either side of us, and my girlfriend watches every Islander game! I am so fucked I thought to myself. Then I thought to myself, maybe there won't be any penalties, sometimes that happens in hockey. (yeah right)


Smile, You Are On TV C-Mac!!!! 

Two minutes into the game, a brawl breaks out. After all, these two teams ARE rivals in the same division. So they start calling out the penalties over the PA system and I duck, pretending to tie my shoe, so I'd be out of camera view. Normally, the camera angle is straight ahead from the other side of the ice into the penalty box. I thought if I ducked, the player's body and head would shield me. I did this for every penalty and Laurie said, "Are you having shoe issues?" I was like "yeah, damn Nikes, it's Adidas from now on!!!!!" She laughed, but I was sweating bullets.

After the game we went out for some food and I dropped her at her car. It was an innocent date, but dishonest to my girlfriend to say the least. I raced home where I found 10 messages from my work buddies laughing their asses off. It was too late to call back, so I'd have to wait until morning to find out what the hell was so comical. I get to work the next day and everyone is laughing and my friend Matt is holding a VHS tape. They all said, "you have to come watch this!!!!" So we go into my office and pop the VHS tape into the VCR. It's the tape of last night's Islander game. I am ALL OVER IT! Funny part is, had I not ducked each time, I would have never been seen because the normal camera angle used in 99% of the games was not used that night. The camera used was from a side angle and every time I ducked down, I went right into camera view. I went into panic mode, because my girlfriend watches EVERY Islander game and I had not heard from her yet that day. On the tape you clearly see that I was sitting with this very hot girl and having a blast.

So, i called my girlfriend to see the damage I had caused. She answers all giddy and asks how the game was. I was like "pretty good, did you watch it???" She said, "No, I went shopping with my mom and missed it, I am glad they won though!" I breathed a big sigh of relief and vowed I'd never cheat/be dishonest again!!!!!

Have any of you ever been busted cheating or doing something bad? If not, how close have you come?

The Date Escape

Have any of you ever been on a really bad date? I can honestly say, I have never had a disaster date, but I've been out with women that were not interesting or those that I had no physical attraction towards. I always have something to say, so even with the quiet ones, there never is an awkward moment where there is nothing to say. As you can tell from this site, my mind is constantly running and I always have something to say.

For those of you who have had disaster dates and continue to have them, let's come up with some escape tips/routes to get you out of the date and to ensure they will NEVER call you again. I know the adult/mature thing to do is to just tell the person you are not interested, but some people just don't accept that or listen. Sometimes you have to get creative:

Talk in explicit details about your sexual fantasies about Big Bird from Sesame Street

Every time your date says something, nod enthusiastically and say, "Y'know, my mother says EXACTLY the same thing."

Return from the rest room with water sprayed on your crotch, and say "I had an accident."

Hit on your waitress/waiter ask for his/her phone number.

Over dinner, talk about your hemorrhoids.

Start talking in a foreign language. When your date asks why you're speaking in a foreign language, look puzzled and answer "I'm not." Then keep doing it.

Pull out a Batman comic book and ask, "How often do you suppose Batman and Robin have sex?"

Mention that you voted for Osama Bin Laden in the recent Presidential election.

Talk about your itchy rash all night.

Chew with your mouth wide open.

Ok, let's get creative!!!!!!!!!!! I want to hear your excape plans!

C-Mac, The Deli Turkey

Americans consume tons and tons of meats each year. From roasts, to steaks, to cold cuts, to Thanksgiving turkeys, America loves meat. This brings me to today's topic, meat. If you had to be any animal slaughtered for meat what would it be and how would you like to be cooked and eaten?

I personally would like to be a turkey. Not a Thanksgiving turkey though. Thanksgiving turkeys get eaten fast and by only a few people, I would want a legacy. I'd want to be a cold cut turkey. I say that because I would like to be distributed and eaten by many people. I would also love the grand stage of that lit showcase at the deli or supermarket. I love being on stage or in front of people, the neon lights of that deli case would be one great way to go out...like a final performance before I am consumed by the masses. People from many towns could see me in that case and point at me, "A pound of that turkey please." I would be thinly sliced into the silky comfort of wax paper and brought home for all to enjoy. Then I'd be nestled between two doughy soft slices of bread, resting on a bed of lettuce, and moisturized with some mayo or mustard. That's the way to go!

What animal would you want to be, and how would you like to be cooked and consumed?

Party Pooper

Here is a "Real Man of Genius." Today, C-Mac salutes you, Mr. Quiet Sign Holder. Without you, the golf spectators would not pipe down and the greens would be louder than a Stones concert.

Can you believe they actually have "Hole Marshalls" on golf courses to keep noise down by flashing these signs?


Don't Tell Me When I Can Talk! 

It's comforting knowing every PGA golf hole has a Marshall on it, yet most of our airlines still don't. What the fuck?

This guy is a complete buzzkill. You pay top dollar to see a match and you are basically told to shut the fuck up courtesy of a guy with a sign in hand.

Things Dad Would NEVER Say

Ok, we already did the things we'd never hear someone say on a Monday. Now, let's list things we'd never hear a Dad say to his kid in light of yesterday's Father's Day:

"For your sweet 16, I think we should get your nipples pierced"

"Son, forget college, the car wash is hiring"

"You sure you only need a 12pack?"

"You don't need any underwear under that prom dress"

"Sure take the car, you'll pass your road test next month anyway"

"Have her home by 4am"

"Who wants to help me plant pot in the garden?"

"A #1 Dad tie, I LOVE IT!"

"If it takes you 9 years to finish college, it's no big deal"

hahahahaha....I know you will all come up with some funnier ones.......

Fast Weekend.....

WOW, this weekend went so fast. Whenever there is a holiday incorporated in a weekend, it flies by. I hope everyone had a great time! Monday mornings are funny because everyone seems to say the same thing, they say how fast the weekend went, how tired they are, and many other anti-Monday slogans. Here are some things you'll NEVER hear someone say at the office on a Monday morning:

Boy am I glad to be back!!!!!!
The weekend went way too slow!
I couldn't wait until today!
I am full of energy today for some reason!
I hope this week goes slow!
FIVE full work days until next weekend, YIPPPEEEEE!
I missed you Sugar V!
Why are you smiling today C-Mac?!

What are some other things you'll never hear someone say on a Monday morning at your place of employment?

Card Sharks...........

It seems like every store that you shop at now requires you to carry and present a frequent shoppers card, a discount card, a rewards card, or a bonus card. I'm not sure about you, but I am running out of space in my wallet and on my keychain for all this bullshit. Perhaps I should strap a file cabinet on my back and tote that around.


Out Of Control..... 

I went into the "Discovery Channel Store" in the mall yesterday and purchased a $20 item and was forced to sign up for their shoppers card. A transaction that should have taken 2 minutes took 10 minutes because I had to fill out the membership form to receive yet another keychain scan card. I will probably never shop there again because that was the first time I was ever even in their store and I was not very impressed at their overpriced crap, yet, I am a proud member now.

Even the sandwich shops, car washes, and auto parts stores have caught this card fever. Blimpie and Subway have these cards that they punch every time you buy a sandwich. After like 200 sandwiches and an angioplasty, you get the 201st sandwich on them. BIG FUCKIN' DEAL!!! The car washes have a punch card every time you get a car wash. After the 50th wash, when there is no paint left on your vehicle from all the washes and brushes rubbing against your car, they are proud and happy to wash it the 51st time on them.

The supermarkets require these cards for you to get the sale items at the sale prices. What happened to the days of walking into a store and just getting something on sale without digging through your wallet for a card? I am carrying the equivalent of a deck of playing cards, minus the Jokers 'cause this shit is no longer funny.

Then there are the "price clubs" like Costco, BJ's and Sam's club. These fuckers won't even let you through the front door without flashing your card. Like you need top security clearance to buy a fuckin' 20lb tub of peanuts and a six gallon jug of cooking oil. Enough already! Next time they ask me to flash my card, I just may flash something else. There's my "member"ship card fucker!

How many of these cards are in your wallet or purse?

"Living After Midnight"

I had a very fun and interesting afternoon and evening. My buddy Rich and I went to see Queensryche and Judas Priest in concert at Jones Beach Theater tonight. It was very interesting to say the least.


One Of My Favorite Places To See A Concert 

I picked Rich up at 4:30pm, the show did not start until 8pm. Half the fun of a Jones Beach concert is the tailgate. Needless to say, the truck was packed with 2 full coolers, 1 with beer and 1 with food. So we hung out, ate, drank, and socialized for a few hours. It was strange tailgating while blasting 80's heavy metal music. I had Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Guns N' Roses, Motley Crue, and all those metal bands blaring out of the truck while we hung out.

I have to say, about 75% of the crowd at the show/tailgate were in a fashion time warp. The guys still had hair down to their asses, 80's style jeans, spiked wristbands, jean jackets with patches on them, 1986 concert tour t-shirts that were 3 sizes too small for them, and sneakers that looked 20 years old. The women had leather jackets, acid wash jeans, feathered hair, and boots with 8" heels on them. I am quite sure they did not wear these clothes just for the show. It looks as though this is still what they wear.


Richie enjoying one of many brews...... 

As far as the show, these guys can still play! Queensryche played for 45 minutes and sounded perfect. They aged, but not too badly. About 9:30 Judas Priest took the stage. They sounded amazing after all these years. I saw them about 5 times in the 80's, the only difference now is that Rob Halford the lead singer is not as mobile, he kinda just stands around. His voice and the band can still play for sure. They played until about 11:15pm and called it a night. I am spoiled from 4 hour Springsteen shows........

The day/night was a lot of fun. From the tailgate, to the people watching, to the show, it was a musical trip that took me back to my junior high school days. Tom Petty and John Mellencamp in a couple of weeks.....can't wait!

I was neglectful in reading everyone's blogs on Friday...I'll be sure to catch up over the weekend at some point!

C-Mac Revealed

Ok, since quite a few people have asked, I decided to post a pic of me here on "Bored at the Beach" which means C-Mac is no longer a mystery. This picture was taken on a cool and breezy evening last Saturday. With me, is the one and only Bruce. I think I had just started to drink in this pic, so I am pretty sober. This was hours before the rough night of Grey Goose and Southern Comfort.


Father's Day Wishes From Bruce 

Since I am Brucey's Dad, I figured I'd post a pic of father and son in honor of Father's Day! Enjoy the weekend everyone!

Music To Bang To

FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!

I had the R Kelly "Chocolate Factory" CD blasting in the Jeep on the way to work today. That CD brings back so many memories from two years ago. I was dating a girl named Laurie who I met in bartending school and we would always listen to that CD together at our most intimate of moments. :)

That got me thinking about songs I associate with sex. Songs that are just great to have sex to. Here is my list:

"Let's Stay Together" Al Green
"Shake You Down" Gregory Abbott
"Let's Get It On" Marvin Gaye
"Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby" Barry White
"Sexual Healing" Marvin Gaye
"Ignition" R Kelly
"Step In The Name Of Love" R Kelly
"I'm Still In Love With You" Al Green
"Me and Mrs. Jones" Billy Paul
"Show and Tell" Al Wilson

Really anything by Al Green, Barry White, Marvin Gaye, or James Ingram will set a mood.

I enjoy the classic R&B/Soul artists...but having sex to rap and music like Nine Inch Nails(no pun intended) can be fun too. It depends what kind of sex you are having. If you are in the loving mood, then the smooth stuff will be perfect. If you are looking to shake the foundation of your home, then you have to step it up.

Ok, What kind of music, names of artists, or names of songs do you enjoy having sex to?

The Big Check

The big check bothers me. You know the one I am talking about, the big check made out to charities, prize winners, etc. Why do they feel a need to show this big check? If they are having a ceremony to celebrate the raising of $50,000 for cancer research, I'll take your word that you really raised the money. I really don't need to see a bunch of douche bags posing with a big check in hand.

Look at these 3, fuckin' scary! Look at the hair on the middle dude. Amazing what you can find on the internet!!!!!


Guess The Bank Drive-Up Window Is Out Of The Question 

What do you do with a check this size once the ceremony is over? You certainly can't cash it, you can't save it as a souvenir, what good is it?

The "Prize Patrol" people annoy me. You know, that Publishers Clearing House van that shows up at people's doors to surprise them with balloons, cameras flashing, and of course......the big check. Is it me, or do only redneck hicks win those sweepstakes? I think the criteria involved to win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes is a maximum of 3 teeth in your mouth, a house you can tow with your car, a tire swing in the front yard, and having a wife that is also your sister. If the Prize Patrol ever showed up at my door with the million dollar check, I'd refuse it and turn them away so I would not be associated with past winners of that prize.

No more big checks!!!!!

Speaking My Mind

I've always been the type of guy that speaks my mind. Most of the time I am cautious about how I say things because I never want to deliberately hurt someone's feelings. I am a nice guy but not a pussy. I call people out on shit when they need to be called out on things, I voice my opinion, and I stick to my beliefs and convictions. I don't want my kindness to be misinterpreted as weakness, because I am strong willed and FAR from weak.

Lately, I feel like I've been selling out. For the past 7 months or so at work, I've kept my mouth shut and let certain people take advantage. I do this now because last year I was more vocal and paid for it financially in the way of bonus and raise. Apparently innovation, creativity, and a strong will is something unwanted around here. It's apparent that if you keep your mouth shut, blend in, don't come up with ideas, suggestions, or make "waves" as they describe it, you will be better taken care of. So, I've sat here the past 7 months stewing inside while I have watched what has gone on.

This new way of thinking forced upon me at work has spilled over into my private life. A year or so ago, if someone wronged me, I would have told them where the fuck they could go. Now, I try to be politically correct, I rationalize their behavior, and many times, I forgive and forget even when I know for certain they are wrong or have dicked me over. What the fuck is wrong with me? Some days I feel like I am just going to snap and blow up and just tell everyone off...it's coming soon, trust me. I feel I need an emotional cleansing. I have so much inside I want to say, to a bunch of people, but I hold it in to keep the peace. What's fucked up about it is that they are walking around fine and I am harboring all these bad feelings.

The sellout stops here, today. Why worry about "burning a bridge" if it's not a bridge to anywhere good or costructive. I am not going to keep people in my life that don't bring out good qualities in me. I say fuck you to the miserable fucks who walk around this office and bring the rest of us down, fuck you to the ungrateful bitches walking around out there who have no idea what they want and who fuck with your emotions, fuck you to the people who bring out bad things in me, and fuck you to inconsiderate, selfish assholes. I'll throw in a fuck you to all the people who think they are owed something without earning it, especially my trust or respect.

F-U-C-K Y-O-U!!!!

I normally don't rant. I keep this blog light, funny, amusing, silly, and offbeat. Today I needed to get out what's been going on. Nothing specific happened today to trigger this, it's been building since winter. I am no longer going to sell-out to keep the peace or be "politically correct" in other people's eyes. I am going back to the Charlie I am comfortable with. I am no longer going to lower my standards to conform. If you dick me over, you'll pay, no more reasoning and no more rationalizing. So, if you've wronged me recently, dig a hole and hide. If you don't have anything positive to bring to the table, stay the fuck away from me and wallow in your own misery.

My TV Dad

Sunday is Father's Day, a day to recognize and pay tribute to our dads. In real life, dads try their best. Some are really cool and nice, some may be quiet, some overbearing, some may be downright insane. I am sure all of our fathers are different in many ways. They say you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family and that is true. My dad is great, but, I would not mind a TV dad. If you could have any TV dad as your father, who would it be? Here are some of my choices:

Tony Soprano- This is one cool dude. So, what's a murder here and there. This guy would be great to have as a dad.

Ozzy Osbourne- Do I need to elaborate?

Al Bundy- Beer and hangin' at the nudey bar with dad!

Frank Costanza- Just for the laughs.

Who would you pick?

Pac-Man Turns 25

I heard on the radio and read an article on CNN.com today that Pac-Man just turned 25! That's crazy! The good thing is, I am not too much older than Pac-Man, but just hearing he is 25 makes me feel ancient.

I remember Atari and all of the games like it was yesterday. The graphics sucked compared to today's graphics but the games were much more fun, don't you think? Pac-Man was so huge, they even had a top 40 song called "Pac-Man Fever" that was a big hit in the 80's. That song sucked ass! I hated it! It's almost as bad as "Disco Duck."


I Definitely had Pac-Man Fever! 

I used to play Atari with my friends and siblings for hours. Pitfall, Frogger, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, Asteroids, Ms. Pac-Man, you name it, we had it. My mom got so hooked on Ms. Pac-Man she was obsessed and we would have to fight to get the joystick away from her, she'd play for hours too. We used to have Ms. Pac-Man tournaments and boy, did those get competitive and ugly. We were trash talking way before the NBA.

Atari, a classic indeed. What were some of your favorite classic video games?

Blogless Day

Damn, I have seminars all day and will be out of the blogging loop. I hate sitting around listening to bullshit, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'll leave the great people who read this "Bored at the Beach" nonsense every day with these questions:

If you could invent an amusement park ride that would give you a certain feeling or emotion what would that feeling or emotion be? (Be Creative!) I'd probably invent one of those big pirate ships that give you an orgasm each time it swings from one side to the other. That would be a hot ride.

Also, what amusement park ride do you REFUSE to go on and why?

I'll leave you with those today.....I'll be reading all of your blogs tonight. Have a great Wednesday everyone!

C-Mac's Top 5 Albums Of All Time

For those of you who are close to me, you know what an important role music plays in my life. I've been around music all my life. I was raised on so many different kinds of music. As a very young child, my mother always had music on. As a toddler in the mid 70's, I remember hearing The Eagles, Foreigner, Kansas, Boston, Elton John, Billy Joel, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan, and many other classic rock albums blaring on vinyl from my mom's stereo. I was also exposed to Motown, Disco, Oldies, Italian Music, Sinatra and Bennett, and so much more. It made me love and appreciate the beauty of music. I own about 1300 cd's and I still keep music on all day long. Music has been there for me in good times and in bad. Music can transport me back in time, to when life was simple and uncomplicated, it can also bring us back to times of sorrow and despair. Every so often we come across an album or an artist that touches us deeply. These are the albums and artists we cherish and keep close to us through good times and bad. Here are my top 5 albums of all time. It was tough narrowing a list down to 5, but here they are and why:


#5 

Don Henley's Greatest Hits-Actual Miles....When an artist leaves a blockbuster band and goes solo, you always have your doubts. When the Eagles split up, I never thought Henley would have the solo career he did. His work is simply brilliant. This album touches on so many emotions and feelings. From "The Boys of Summer" to "New York Minute" this CD is just amazing. There really isn't a song on here you want to skip.


#4 

The Eagles Greatest Hits Volume I....This is the best selling album worldwide in the history of recorded music. Amazing huh? I could listen to this CD over and over for hours. This is a sit on the deck with a drink and just get lost in the lyrics kind of an album. From "Desperado" to "Lyin' Eyes" to the feeling of liberation in "Already Gone" this is a MUST have for any music lover.


#3 

Billy Joel-The Stranger....Billy Joel has been amazing for years. Album after album, this guy always put a great product on the shelves. His sound and his voice take me back in time. This album brings me back to my childhood. The songs and the message on The Stranger is incredible. From the struggles of Brenda and Eddie in "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" to the timeless love song "Just the Way You Are" to the amazing accordian music in "Vienna" The Stranger is a staple for anyone with a strong appreciation of music.


#2 

Boston-Boston....This almost made my top spot. In 1976, when disco was in full swing, these guys were kicking some serious rock n' roll ass. This was the biggest selling debut album of all time until Alanis's "Jagged Little Pill" knocked it from that claim to fame in 1996. This album is amazing, not only for it's lyrics, but for the musical compositions. From "More Than A Feeling" to the rockin' tune "Smokin" to the ballad "Let Me Take You Home Tonight" this album is great from cover to cover. Lead singer Brad Delp's voice is unique and unforgettable. If you don't own this, get out and buy it!


#1 

Bruce Springsteen-The Rising....I am such a Springsteen fan. The man is a poet. He has been making great albums since 1973 and is called "The Boss" for so many reasons. His 2002 album "The Rising" tops my list of great albums for many reasons. This album is very personal to me. Shortly after the 9/11/01 attacks here in NY, Bruce was driving in his hometown of Freehold, NJ. Citizens were approaching Bruce and saying "We need you now more than ever Bruce" and people called upon him to write and express what our city and our nation was feeling. Bruce went into the studio and came out with a masterpiece. From the songs of loss like "You're Missing", "Lonesome Day", "Empty Sky", and "Into the Fire" to songs of hope and inspiration like "The Rising", "Mary's Place", and "Waiting on a Sunny Day", this CD is a blend of all the emotions we felt then after 9/11 and can be applied to love, loss, fear, happiness, and hope we have all experienced in our daily lives. Whether you are a Springsteen fan or not, this is definitely worth getting.

Now, let's hear your top albums of all time! :)

Michael Jackson Restrictions

MJ walked away a free man yesterday. The California courts should have imposed some restrictions on him. They should have come up with a list of things that MJ should be not allowed to own, here are a few I would put on the list:

A Toy Store
An Ice Cream Truck
A Candy Store
A Chuck-E-Cheese
An Amusement Park
A Jar of Vaseline
A Playground
A School Bus
A Day Care Center

hahahaha, let's hear some of yours............

Happy Flag Day

Yes, even the flag gets a holiday. June 14th, Flag day 2005, exciting huh? This day in 1994 brings back bad memories. The NY Rangers won their first Stanley Cup since 1940. The memory of Mark Messier hoisting the cup on the ice still makes me sick.

The day after "the verdict", what do you all think? I am still upset. It's just not fair that money buys your way out of anything. It's not like he stole a candy bar. I guess the jury did not consider what molesting a child does to a kid long term. America, land of the free, home of the brave. It's a joke, our system is so fucked up, yet we try to push it on everyone around the world.

Someone stole something from my office last night, probably the drunk ass maintenance man that works here at night. Just so happens a shot glass that says "Charlie's Bar" on it is missing and the drunk fuck's name is also Charlie, duh asshole, I don't need to call Encyclopedia Brown for this case. He's the only one with a key when I leave at night. I will say something to him today, fuck him, everyone is scared of him around here and shit is always missing or fucked up overnight. Today it ends. I did not say anything about 4 months ago when the lock was picked on my supply cabinet in here, today there is going to be hell to pay. I'll drag his drunk ass out in the parking lot and beat it out of him if I have to. If there is one thing I can't stand it's people who act like they like you then lie to you or steal from you. It gets me very angry. See everyone, I get pissed too, it's not all fluff on here! hahaha

I forgot my cell phone at home today. I actually thought of turning the car around when I was a mile or so from the house. Then I thought, how many years did I go without a cell phone before they were invented and I was fine. I can be without it for 8 hours, right?

Day 7 of the heatwave here in NY. It's supposed to be like 95 degrees today. You won't hear me complain, I LOVE IT!!!!! I only bitch and moan about weather in the winter.

Have a great day everyone! Sugar V, have a great trip to Neverland for the acquittal party!

Justice Is Blind, and Deaf

Can you believe this? This fucker walks away a free man. Basically our justice system told all of us that is is quite fine for a grown man to sleep with little boys. All of these celebrities getting away with crimes is really starting to piss me off. OJ is still walking around after killing two people and now this. Yet, they almost burned Martha Stewart at the stake for selling some stocks. It's absurd. If this was a poor man on trial, he'd be spending his life in prison. This is a complete joke.


A Thriller Indeed 

This guy is an obvious molester. He already settled for millions back in 1993 for the other kid to keep quiet. Fine, that deal was cut, it's over with. So what does this fucker do, he puts himself right back in the same situation again. I assure you, this won't be the last molestation accusation nor will this sicko's behavior change. The man needs medication, therapy, and God knows what else. He is a sick man and should not be allowed around kids. Any parent who lets their kid go to Neverland now should be locked away in a padded room. I am pissed off, but not shocked. We all wave our flags claiming how great America is and how everyone is treated fairly, you can believe that all you want, I know it's bullshit. There is an obvious class system in this country where the haves are treated better and more fairly than the have nots. If MJ was a have not, the verdict would have been very different.

I Am So Bored That I........

It is such a boring day that I was just thinking of some things to pass the time:

I was wondering as I looked through my desk drawer and saw a plastic knife, "can you kill someone with this?"

I placed my phone on the receiver upside down with the talking part holding down the button and the ear part down where the talking part usually goes. Looks weird.

After today, 200 days remain in 2005.

There are 21 fun sized snickers bars per bag.

My chair reminds me of the barber chair when you lower and raise the hydraulics.

53 minutes until I go home.

The Sequel

Are you ready to begin another long work week? I sure am not. But, I did make it to work and I am in my office wishing I was anywhere else in the world but here.

Looks as though the "Star Wars" hype is starting to wind down. I am sure most Star Wars fans have seen the final episode by now. I was thinking this morning about movies that have sequels. There are some movies that NEVER should have had sequels made, here are a few I thought of:

Weekend at Bernie's II- Parading a dead guy around wasn't that funny or believable the first time, they had to do this again?

Stayin' Alive- The sequel to Saturday Night Fever, absolutely HORRIBLE!

Jaws 3- Just one question, WHY???????

Rocky 5- What a shame.

Police Academy 2-7- same shit over and over.

What movies, in your opinion, should have never had a sequel?

Steamrolled By A Goose

How many times have you said to yourself "I'll never drink again" after a rough night of drinking? I have not said it too often in my life, but I said it this morning. I haven't had a hangover this bad in about two years.

It all started innocently, as it always seems to. I got up yesterday, did my run up on the boardwalk, went food shopping, called and invited some friends over for a bbq, and relaxed until they came over. I then proceeded to cook a great lunch and dinner on the bbq, we all enjoyed the food, listened to music, and laughed. So far, I was good, drinking only water and Crystal Light Iced Tea. I really don't like to drink alcohol when I eat. After dinner a Grey Goose burst upon the scene and kicked my ass.


Bad, Bad Goose! 

It was a gradual ass kicking. I started drinking around 9. I drank at a nice pace and was feeling pretty good. By around 11:30pm, I had about 8 Grey Goose and cranberries and I was feeling good and comfortable, not sure why I felt the need for some Southern style Comfort. Once that bottle was busted open it was all downhill. By midnight I was staggering a bit, by 12:15 incoherent, and by 12:45 I had lost the heavyweight bout to the Goose and the Southern Comfort by virtue of knockout. This was the first time I've been drunk in 2005, so I will chalk it up to lack of recent activity in the drinking department.

The casualties:

My left arm got mildly burnt on the grill during this drinking binge. It's not too red today and does not hurt so bad.

My entire body. I feel like somebody beat me up and I was not able to go running today, this sucks.

My pride. Once the drinking champion, hands down, I am losing my skills and need to get back into training. Not to mention the drunk dial last night......I so did not want to do that!

A good weekend, but a lost Sunday. I hate wasting days. The weekends are too short as it is. I'll say it again, "I am never drinking again."

Fruit Sniper Back On The Job?

Why am I up writing a fuckin' blog at 7:55am on a Saturday? That would be because I have neighbors that are inconsiderate assholes. This fucker next door is drilling fence posts since 7:10am! Of course it's right outside my bedroom window! It made me want to go back to the dark days, the days when I was a sniper, a hired gun if you will.

Two years ago, when I lived in NYC for a short time I was a sniper. I lived on the 3rd floor of a large apartment building and that's where I mastered my craft. I was the best shot in town, I rarely missed. I was called upon for jobs that nobody else had the stomach or the nerve to take on. I, ladies and gentleman, was a fruit sniper.


A Hired Gun Indeed..... 

It all started one cold winter day in 2003. I was relaxing in the NYC apartment one night when a guy parked his car outside below the building and decided to crank up the bass on his stereo and listen to a Jay-Z concert for 20 minutes while my building shook. As he finally pulled away I fired three orange shots striking the vehicle. I was like Lee Harvey Oswald in the Texas Book Depository, I cranked out 3 shots in 7 seconds with precision accuracy. The man got out of his car all pissed off and was looking up at all the buildings. That apartment was great, nobody ever knew where the shots came from. This became a craft. I kept a bowl of fruit on the kitchen counter, near the window at all times. Anytime someone was really inconsiderate I fired. Lemons and limes for the small jobs, peaches and plums for the medium jobs, and oranges and grapefruits for the big jobs, depending on the degree of the offense. It looked like downtown Beirut some mornings as I walked to my car to go to work. Orange peels, lemon skins, smashed grapefruits everywhere. A site only for those with the stomach to handle it.

I took shots over power lines, at cars moving 30MPH, at parked cars, and around tree limbs. No job was too tough for the fruit sniper. I had no scope, no binoculars, I shot with the naked eye. I, ladies and gentleman, was performing my civic duty. I trained others to perform this craft. Local people, Canadians, you name it. I knew some day I would leave the neighborhood and this necessary duty would still need to be performed. My young apprentice was a Canadian boy named Eddie. He was in NYC visiting and I taught him my craft. He is keeping the streets of Toronto safe and quiet as we speak.

Needless to say, word got around. The streets were quieter, more peaceful now that there was a fruit sniper in town. Nobody dared to blast a car stereo, shout from a car, or honk a horn. We walked the streets with pride and we slept in peace with fluffy sheep hopping over a kiwi stained fence. I was a local hero. People from all over praised this mystery man each day for keeping their streets quiet. Kids drew pictures of what they thought the fruit sniper looked like. Many of them were of Carmen Miranda:


The Fruit Sniper, I think Not 

This morning the fruit sniper almost made his Long Beach debut. Lucky for him, today is food shopping day, and I am all out of fruit. Off to the boardwalk to run my morning anger away.

Cell Phone Sweep

It's been a LONG time coming. I finally cleaned out a TON of phone numbers from my cell phone. I was up to 223 phone numbers in there. That's just insane.


Clean Sweeeeeeep 

I must admit, it was like a trip down memory lane. As I scrolled and laid each person and number I no longer wanted in there to rest, a brief memory of each person flashed through my mind. Many of them were memories of drunken nights out and about and girls that I only knew for a few hours. Some were girls I dated for a few months, some for a few years. Others were friends I have parted ways with over the years and others were old work acquaintances. I am now down to a lean 46 numbers in my phone. It's a mere shell of the glory this phone once possessed, but it was time. Anyone I have not talked to or texted in the last 4 or 5 months or so, or anyone I no longer wish to talk to was removed. Kind of harsh? I don't think so. Time to look ahead to the new people I will meet and time to continue to cherish the people who have stuck around and been there for me who remain in the phone. Some were tough to delete and I struggled to press that erase button......

In the words of Billy Joel, "Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again."

Now, time to go out and load this fucker up again!

Friday Randomness

Well, we just about made it through another week, as always I am looking ahead to the weekend. 12:15 can't come fast enough today. Here are my random thoughts for today:

Remember when companies actually paid you weekly? I hate this 2 times a month bullshit. There was something to look forward to EVERY week. I have not been paid weekly in over a decade. Most companies wanted to eliminate cost and pay every other week or twice monthly. I currently get paid on the 15th and the last day of the month. If the 15th lands on a weekend, we get paid the Friday before which means we can go upwards of 18 days between paychecks. Thank God for the pimpin' cash I make on the side.

Speaking of money, I hate monthly bills. Cable, Gas, Electric, Cell Phone, you name it. Don't you hate these bills? I think the cell phone bill is my least favorite. I have a good plan, but occasionally I go over on my minutes. It's fucked up, you go 10 minutes over and your bill doubles. I hate the cell phone bill more than any bill. What monthly bill pisses you off the most?

I still have not purchased my beach passes. I have to do that this weekend. That kind of irritates me too. Paying to sit on a beach. Isn't the beach there for everyone to enjoy, it's part of nature and the earth that God created, yet we have to pay to go on it. I guess the $2000.00 in monthly rent isn't enough to live there. Fuckers.

It's supposed to be close to 90 degrees and sunny here this weekend, we've been lucky the last few weekends, let's hope it lasts! Have a great weekend everyone!

Ice Ice Baby

Ok, so I gave this "Hit Me Baby One More Time" show another chance tonight after last week's horrible performances. I am glad I did. This show kicked ass tonight!


MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!! 

The first act up was The Knack. They did their signature song "My Sharona." They sounded great after all of these years! I thought they should have won tonight. They were really great.

Then came that Haddaway dude who sang "What Is Love" the song made real famous by SNL and "Night at the Roxbury." He sounded ok, probably the worst performance of the night though.

Up next was Tommy Tutone who sang his one hit wonder "Jenny" (867-5309). I expected him to suck ass but he was right on the money with his performance tonight.

Then came The Motels who sang "Only the Lonely." Martha Davis can still sing. I was not overwhelmed but I thought she did a pretty good job.

Vanilla Ice closed out the show with "Ice, Ice Baby" and got the place going wild. He still has the cheesy dance moves and the wanna be gangsta attitude, but it was amusing. He won the show by a landslide. I thought The Knack ruled the night, but majority rules and Vanilla Boy got the victory.

I am glad I gave the show a second chance, MUCH better than last week....

The Sandwich Diet, No Great Feat

I am not sure about you, but I am tired of seeing this asshole Jared on the Subway commercials boasting that he lost 245lbs from eating only Subway sandwiches. Everywhere you go you see a picture or an advertisement with this cocky fuck in it holding up his old pants next to his nerdy face. I'd like to strangle him with those pants.


Jared the Douche Bag.... 

I am a certified personal trainer since 2003 and I say big deal Jared. If someone ate only pasta for 6 months, drank plenty of water, took vitamins, and exercised, they would lose a ton of weight also. I don't think eating ham and bologna sandwiches was any healthier or such a big accomplishment. I suppose I am the moron though. This douche bag actually ate only sandwiches and got rich doing it. Maybe I'll come up with the Betty Crocker Diet or perhaps the Sara Lee Diet and make my fortune.