Suicide Rules and Etiquette

I think there should be set rules for suicides. There should be certain etiquette and guidelines that are followed. Here is my list of suicide rules and regulations:

1) Always leave a note. People have the right to know why you did it. By all means, mention the names of people that drove you to it. Talk about how miserable you were and who caused it. Be very specific so the cause was is very clear to the reader. Blue or black ink is preferred, but other colors are acceptable. Pencils should not be used, as others could change shit after you die.

2) Kill yourself in such a way that it won't cause a big cleanup. Forget the guns, knives, and razor blades. Pills, vacuum hoses in the garage, rope, and other non messy ways are preferred. Why ruin a good couch, carpet, or chair? Why have others clean up the mess? Do it as cleanly as possible.

3) Don't do it right before a holiday, someone's birthday, or a vacation. Why fuck up someone's good time? Kill yourself at one of these times only if it will fuck up the person that drove you to suicide's holiday or vacation. Otherwise, pick a nice summer day, or a day in September sometime.

4) Don't do it in such a way that it will hurt other people. Parking your car on train tracks, jumping off a building (where you can hit someone), etc., are poor ways. If you want to kill yourself, don't take others with you or cause trauma by having other people witness it.

5) Do it right before bed. Nobody wants to find your body after a long day at the office. Better to find you bright and early and start the day fresh.

6) Absolutely no Nirvana CD's in the stereo when you do it. Picking the proper song is key. I'd pick "I Did It My Way" by Sinatra.

7) Leave your life insurance policy, bank book, and any cash you may have on you in an easy to find place. Why have the hassle afterwards?