"I Can't Drive 55"

I can relate to what Sammy Hagar was ranting about back in that 1980 something tune. Have you ever really driven 55MPH? It seems as though you are standing still. I'd like to meet the person responsible for picking 55MPH as the standard speed limit. I know many stretches of Interstate allow 65MPH, but here on Long Island it's 55MPH tops everywhere. I think 55MPH is outdated and should be raised almost everywhere. People are traveling well above that limit anyway, let's just make it a law. I consistently pass State Troopers and Police at 65-70MPH and they let you be. I guess they are looking for the real abusers at 75MPH plus. If everyone really drove 55MPH here on Long Island, the traffic would be so much worse than it already is. (if that's possible) The roads here were never designed to hold the volume of traffic that they hold today. You would think, being that we are one of the highest taxed areas in the country, that they would be creative and come up with ideas to alleviate the traffic crisis that we have here. They add carpool lanes and bullshit like that. Yeah, I am going to go pick up some wacky MOFO that I don't even know and drive him/her to work every day........maybe I'll pick up bagels for them while I am at it. It makes me sick when I see the infrastructure in other nations and how beautiful they are. High tech roads, high tech transit systems, etc. New York should really be ashamed of itself with it's 100+ year old bridges and tunnels and it's obsolete rail system. New York is supposed to set the standard for the country and for the world, yet we lag behind in the area of traffic and transit. Yet, it is one of the most expensive and highly taxed areas in the country and in the world. Someone's getting rich off these tax dollars......

Gimme FIVE! (not)

There are people out there that still want to “high five” you when they are happy or you do something good! Didn’t the “high five” go out back in the days of “the wave” at baseball stadiums? Most people that want to “slap you five” here in 2005 are really out of touch with what’s going on. These are usually office nerds that want to high five you for driving in a couple of runs in a softball game at the company picnic. The sight of a “high five” or anyone doing it really bothers me.

What also bothers me is the need to pat another man on his ass during a major league baseball game. Why touch the dude’s ass? The back will have the same effect. The manager slowly trots to the mound, talks to his starting pitcher, then decides to take him out. He signals for the bullpen, takes the ball from the pitcher and then proceeds to slap his ass as he exits. WHY???? Is there something I am missing here? I’d be filing a sexual harassment suit against Joe Torre!

Now that the high five is out, baseball players have these elaborate handshakes that you need a choreographer to design and teach you. A guy hits a home run and it’s a 45 second handshake per teammate. It really is funny to watch. Maybe the Steroid Brothers, Canseco and McGwire were onto something with that forearm bash back in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s! Quick, simple, and pretty fun to watch. I say let’s lose the 45 second handshake, the ass patting, and erase the high five from our minds forever and bring back the forearm bash!

Bowling For.........

I thought the weekend would turn out to be dull due to the fact that I had a ton of cleaning, food shopping, and cooking to do. I was nominated to host Easter this year. I still managed to have fun in between all the work this weekend. When did I start to suck at bowling? I used to be pretty good at bowling. The fact that I had not bowled in over two years may have been a factor, but I sucked up the joint Saturday Night! I think I bowled a 99 and a 113!!!! How bad is that? It may have had a good deal to do with those funky bowling shoes you rent when you get there. Could they be any uglier? Not to mention the neon laces that glow in the dark when they dim the lights and play ABBA. On top of it, I can never find a bowling ball that fits my fingers. I have big hands and fingers and it takes me three tours around the bowling alley to find a ball. I was lucky enough to find one after a few walks around and a couple of Michael Jackson songs the DJ spun. I found a bright orange ball that was just splendid. So not only were my laces glowing, the ball was also. Neon laces, an orange bowling ball, and “Beat It” playing…..I started to take stock of my life at that moment. Then the computer screwed up and would not re-rack the pins. I was hitting all kinds of buttons on that control panel. I had no idea what I was doing. All kinds of things were flashing. I think you need a bowling computer terminal degree to figure that thing out when there is a scoring issue or what not. Finally the 15 year old kid bowling next to us worked it all out. That definitely made me feel intelligent. How about the walk from the counter to your lane with either 2 different shoes on (one bowling and one of yours) or one shoe on and one off? That’s always a treat! It was a fun night despite all the bowling alley issues you have to deal with each time you go bowling.

Rain Songs......

Ok, so it’s pouring and will continue all day. In celebration of the Monday downpour, let’s list our favorite “rain” songs…..

“Blame It On the Rain”-Milli Vanilli
“Here Comes the Rain Again”- The Eurythmics
“Who’ll Stop The Rain”-Credence Clearwater Revival
“Have You Ever Seen the Rain?”-Credence Clearwater Revival
“Rainy Days and Mondays”-The Carpenters
“I Love a Rainy Night”-Eddie Rabbit
“I Wish It Would Rain Down”-Phil Collins
“Walking In the Rain”-Oran Juice Jones
“Laughter in the Rain”-Neil Sedaka
“Summer Rain-”Belinda Carlisle
“November Rain”-Guns N’ Roses
“Red Rain”-Peter Gabriel
“Rainy Night In Georgia”-Brook Benton
“Rainy Day Women”-Bob Dylan
“Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head”-BJ Thomas
“The Rain, the Park, and Other Things”-The Cowsills
“Rain on the Scarecrow”-John Mellencamp
“Purple Rain”-Prince
“It’s Raining Men”-The Weather Girls
“It’s Raining Again”-Supertramp
“Say It’s Gonna Rain”-Will To Power
“I Made It Through the Rain”-Barry Manilow
“Fool In the Rain”-Led Zeppelin
“Singing In the Rain”-Gene Kelly

Did I miss any obvious ones?

Life and the Boardwalk

After my real estate appointments yesterday I stopped at the boardwalk on my way home. It's a place I am very familiar with. It's a place I've gone to hundreds of times the past 4+ years to run, exercise, bike, walk, write, and reflect. Yesterday was unique in the sense that it was very desolate. I reflected back on the past 4 years and how much my life has changed. I thought about the people that have come in and out of my life and what it's all meant. My Long Beach experiences the past four years have been priceless and have really changed my life. I feel like a part of me is somehow embedded in that boardwalk and in that town. I started coming to Long Beach in 2000. I was dating someone from there and the Long Beach experience was all new to me. I grew up and lived about 20 miles east of Long Beach, in totally different surroundings. I loved the fact that you could walk from your house to the beach, the small town feel, the sense of community, the nightlife, the convenience of everything, and just the overall atmosphere. I have lived through some of the highest and lowest points of my life while in Long Beach and I suppose that's why I feel so attached to it. It's a part of me and who I am now.

In many ways running that 2.2 mile(each way) stretch of boardwalk is symbolic of my life the past four years. Sometimes the wind has been at my back and it has pushed me along, sometimes it has blown right in my face and has held me back, at times it was an easy run and I felt great, sometimes it has been a struggle. When you come to the bend at each end of the boardwalk, you never know what's around that bend. Sometimes a crazy bicyclist comes out of nowehere and almost runs you down, sometimes a friendly and familiar face greets you. As in life, you sometimes are excited about what waits for you around that bend and other times you are afraid or anxious about what awaits. When I finish the 2.2 mile length of the boardwalk, I head back and do it all over again. As in life, sometimes we start over and retrace our steps. We may run faster or slower and hopefully we learn from the mistakes we made the last 2.2 miles. Some days the weather was great and I felt on top of the world looking out at that ocean and never wanted to stop running, other days I got caught in a storm and just wanted shelter from it and just wanted out of the "race." I've run with friends and loved ones on that stretch of boards and I've run it alone.

I hope I have many more "miles" to go both in life and in Long Beach. In the race known as my life, I carry with me the love and joy of people in my life now, the memory of people who have gone, and thoughts of those who I may still cross paths with. I run with enthuisiasm, looking ahead while admiring the things around me. I must admit, sometimes I do look back to see where I have been so i can be thankful for where I am now.

Living Conditions.....

I've been looking for a new place to live for the last month or two. My lease is up in May and I want to get a new place by myself for the first time in 3 years or so. No more living with girlfriends, roommates, friends etc. I lived alone for 9 years and want to go back to those "glory days." Don't get me wrong, I've had some really great experiences and had a great deal of fun the last few years, but I want to do the alone thing for a while. The next person I live with is going to be the person I plan on marrying. I suppose I won't necessarily have to be engaged to them, but I'll have to be sure it's headed in that direction.

So, I tried finding a place on my own, without the help of a real estate agent. I was not having much luck. So on Wednesday I called a real estate agent in my town and she told me about a few places that were listed with her agency. Yesterday, we went and looked at some of these places. What I found amazing is that nobody bothers to clean their apartment when they know people are coming over to view it. Maybe they don't care because they are moving soon, but why wouldn't the landlord MAKE them clean it up? Yesterday I saw everything from sinks full of dirty dishes, garbage pails overflowing and smelling, a girl's dirty thong on the bedroom floor, an unflushed toilet, dirty clothes thrown everywhere......as I saw all this I wondered how people live. How could they live in conditions that are disguisting? I know I am a bit of a neat freak, but I am talking real dirty places. The thing is, these places by the ocean are not cheap.....an average ONE bedroom apartment is about $1200.00 where you really don't get much at all. I've always treated the places I've rented like I've owned them and always left the place in BETTER condition than I found it. I've always done small improvements and increased the value in some way for the owner. Most of all, I've kept the places spotless. Some of the bathroom tiles in these places looked like they have not been cleaned since the tenants took over the apartments. How could people hop in a shower that dirty? I've always wondered why when people come to my house they always say how nice it's kept and how clean it is. To me it's normal. But now that I've really seen how some people live, I suppose I can understand. It's fine if people want to live a certain way, but when other people have to view the apartment, at least have the courtesy to put your dirty underwear in the hamper!

Restaurant Seating

Restaurants have various seating "layouts." Some have booths as well as tables. Some just tables, some just booths. Ever sit at a half booth/half table? Like one person gets to sit on the cushiony bench and the other person sits on a regular chair and there is a table between you both? The bench is like 20 feet long and all tables are lined up in front of it for varios parties to dine. The problem with this arrangement is that you sit about a foot away from a complete stranger who can hear your entire conversation. It's annoying. I know I am not talking top secret matters, but a little dining privacy is always nice. I always wonder if people are listening in to someone's conversation. I am a pretty loud talker at times and I am sure people hear me. Last night I was trying to talk low so people next to me could not hear my conversation. Between the music and my adjusted voice, I know the person I was with had trouble understanding me at times. I say they should leave at least 6 feet between tables! Also, what is the deal with couples who sit on the same side of a booth and leave the other side empty? How do you converse with someone sitting right next to you? Isn't it easier to look right at someone? Save the sitting next to for the couch at home!

Coat Check...

I think supermarkets, malls, and department stores should have a coat check room. It sucks to spend an hour or more shopping with a coat on or carrying a coat. It's like 20 degrees outside and 90 degrees inside with your coat on. This would especially come in handy for those long journeys through the mall during the Holiday season. I always hated wearing my coat going from store to store, or having to carry it when I got too warm. A coat check area complete with an attendant is definitely the answer! You can shop in luxury in December without a big or bulky coat. When you are finished, just go and pick it up......thoughts?

Dumb and Dumbest

After work yesterday I did what ranks up there as the stupidist thing ever. I had plans to meet someone after work for dinner in a town near where I live. The plan was to meet at or around 6PM. I leave work at 4:30, so I knew I had plenty of time. Originally, I was going to go straight there after work, maybe kill time at a store or something. On the way, something possessed me to stop home and change my clothes. I really did not want to go out in a shirt and tie. I was looking forward to a nice pair of jeans and pullover shirt rather than a button down. On the way home I stopped at an ATM and took out $100.00 and went home. I pulled in my driveway and hit the automatic garage door opener. I shut off the car and went inside to change. I forgot to add, this all was taking place in the middle of an ice storm. Big pellets of ice falling down with a sustained 20MPH wind. After I changed and got myself together it was 5:25, so I figured I'd leave and maybe stop for gas since I only had 1/4 tank. I got in the car and started it, pressed the button for my garage door opener and closed it. As I started to back out of the driveway, I realized my cell phone was on my dining room table. I put the car in park, opened the garage door with the opener, left the car running, and went inside for my phone. When I returned to the car to get in, the doors were all locked. So the car is in my driveway, running, radio on, wipers on, wallet on the front seat, VERY low on gas, with my spare key in my Kenneth Cole bag that I bring to work with me everyday that has all my papers, organizer, etc. on the front seat. Quite a dilemma. Needless to say, I'd never make it as a car thief. I was doing all kinds of wire hanger tricks, ice picks, nothing worked. Finally I call like 7 locksmiths in the yellow pages and FINALLY I get one to come down and get into my car. It took him about 2 minutes to earn the $50.00 he charged me to do it. He was a cool guy and nice for coming out in an ice storm. The night turned out great anyway, I was still able to go out for dinner, although it was about an hour later than originally scheduled, but it all worked out. $50.00 and an hour less time out and about for my stupidity. I am just thankful my phone was not in the car too and that I had taken cash out on the way home.....or I would have been really screwed! First time I ever locked the keys in my car....definitely a memorable moment.

Store Chaos....

I was always a big fan of practical jokes. From tormenting people on the phone to office jokes, I enjoy a good laugh. I was talking to someone yesterday about a stunt I pulled about 12 years ago.......

I had worked for a large discount retail chain (similar to Target) as an operations manager. We all had to wear the khacki pants with the red polo shirt as our uniform. When I quit and moved on I still had about 10 of these store logo shirts. One day, I got a bright idea. I called about 6 of my friends and we dressed in khackis and these red store logo shirts and went to one of the branches of this store where nobody knew me. We went into the aisles and naturally, people were coming up to us and asking us for help. "Could you tell me where the bikes are?" We'd say, "No we can't..... leave us alone, we are on a break, can't I have my breakfast in peace????" Sometimes we'd simply lie to them and send them all over the store or we'd tell people stuff was half price and that it would be taken off at the register...all kinds of crazy information. We even got as crazy as to get on one of the "red phones" and make pages. I naturally knew the code to access the PA system... we would find a phone that was off the beaten path, out of security camera range and say stuff like, "Attention Shoppers, for the next 15 minutes only all items in our housewares department are 30% off!!!" We caused mass chaos in the store that day...and we got out without getting caught.....quite a funny day indeed.......

64 Colors.....

Remember when you were a kid and you had that box of 64 Crayola crayons that was like bigger than your head? It came with the built in "sharpener" and everyone had it. Was it me, or was the crayon pretty much finished once you peeled back that paper and stuck it in that sharpener? It always chewed up my crayon and that was that. No more Burnt Orange! The names of those colors still crack me up. I think Crayola made up their own colors. Here are some of the funnier BS colors that I think some Crayola mad scientist invented:

Cornflower: What the F?
Burnt Sienna: Is this necessary?
Sepia: Need I say more?
Raw Sienna: I guess this is uncooked or unburnt Sienna
Raw Umber: Ridiculous
Thistle: Whaaaaaat?
Midnight Blue: Strange Color
Carnation Pink: I guess regular pink wasn't enough
Orchid: Enough flower colors!

I always liked Periwinkle, Brick Red, and Sea Green. I have a brother and a sister so when we used to color, we'd like fight for the certain colors and the weakest one (usually my little brother) would get screwed and have to color Oscar the Grouch in his Sesame Street coloring book Magenta because we wouldn't let him have the green. He still may be traumatized from this.....

Sorry To Disturb You......

It annoys me when I go to a store and the clerk is yapping away on the phone or is distracted by some other form of chatter. They seem annoyed that you actually want their help or that you actually want to pay for your item and leave. They seem pissed that you "disrupted" their phone call. Today I stopped at 7-11 to get AAA batteries for my little sports radio/walkman that I run with. I get to the counter and the clerk was yapping away on the phone. I ask "do you have batteries?" She says "yeah" and continues on with her conversation. My friend who I was with says "Could you tell us where?" She had a pissy look on her face as if we were disturbing the most important conversation of her life and said, "Back here behind the counter!" I said could I get a pack of AAA please? She then asked "FOUR PACK OR TWO PACK" in an annoyed voice. I was like, four pack please. She rings it up and proceeds to ask "Do you need matches with that?" She was so distracted on the phone she forgot what I bought. We were like why would we need matches? She just looked at us and went back to her call...I heard her say "sorry mom" and go right back to yapping. SORRY MOM????? F mom, I am the customer. So sorry I inconvenienced you and your mom by having the NERVE to spend money in your store.......service at it's finest!

The Dance Mix

I am kind of tired of hearing "love" songs or slow songs recreated as dance songs. I know it's an old remix, but this morning in the shower I heard "Total Eclipse of the Heart" set to dance music. I believe Nicki French did this a few years ago. It got me thinking of how many good "love" songs have been ruined thanks to the dance mix. Bonnie Tyler's 1983 version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was amazing, why the need to set it to dance music. Then a couple of years ago DJ Sammy decided to dig up Bryan Adam's 1985 hit "Heaven" and do a dance remix of that. WHY??? That was another really good song....did we need a dance remix of it?

What's even MORE annoying is when the original artist gets greedy and re-releases their love song as a dance song. Back in 1997 Toni Braxton had an amazing hit with "Unbreak My Heart." It sold very well and the album was kick-ass as well. Yet, Toni felt the need to re-release "Unbreak My Heart" to a dance beat. I just don't get it. If I remember correctly, I am pretty sure Celine Dion did a dance remix of "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.....was that necessary? I think I hate love song dance remixes more than rock n' roll played with flutes and violins while on hold on the telephone.....

"Puffy"

I always wondered why people in the workplace are rewarded for having a bad habit like smoking. Rewarded in the sense that they get to go outside about 20 times a day to smoke. I am a person who has never even tried a cigarette so I don’t understand the nicotine addiction, however, I do understand work and work ethic. There are people at my job and at jobs past that spend a good couple of hours a day if you add up the time for each cigarette, outside smoking. That’s insane. So, say I am addicted to caffeine, do I get to stand outside gulping down 7-11 Big Gulps of Coke all day? Maybe I have a food addiction, to I get to head outside a bunch of times daily to eat brownies and candy? What about our friendly crack addicts and alcoholics, perhaps we should give them a few breaks as well to get their fix?

I worked with this woman Kim a few years ago, Kim would take “work breaks.” See she would smoke all day and then take breaks from smoking to go to her desk and work. We dubbed her “Puffy” and the name caught on until she was finally fired for never doing any work. This woman smoked like 40 cigarettes a day. You know how Marlboro gives out prizes with like those UPC codes from the carton? Well this woman surely owned every Marlboro prize known to man which most likely included the Marlboro NASCAR, the Marlboro Jet, and I am sure she had a Marlboro couch, coffee table, and every other piece of furniture that had the logo on it. We would all take bets at the start of each day as to how many cigarette breaks she would take. We’d all toss in a buck and tally them up…..it made it fun. This woman STUNK of smoke all day, she had that cloud of smoke following her, sort of like that Pig Pen dude on the Peanuts cartoon.

Ok, off to take a Colt 45 break. hahaha

.99

I don't know about you, but I am tired of things ending in .99 where ever you go. Italian restaurant $14.99 for the chicken parmasean, you aren't fooling me, I know it's really $15!!!! Then you head to the supermarket, $5.99 for the mozzarella, yo, I know it's $6! Are people really that fooled by the .99 still? Do they still think something $7.99 is $7? I like the gas stations, regular gas $2.17.9 cents! It's $2.18 jerk-off! Why a .99 cent store? Just make it the dollar store! I like assholes who ask how much something is in the dollar store...there's always a moron in every bunch. But then again, I once saw an old lady order a Big Mac at Taco Bell. When the girl told her sorry m'aam this is Taco Bell, she briefly argued, walked outside, looked at the sign on the building, came back in and decided on the meximelt. True story.

Is It Just Me????

Why has nobody realized that this is a very homosexual song…?

The warden threw a party in the county jail.
The prison band was there and they began to wail.
The band was jumpin' and the joint began to swing.
You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock

WHAT STRAIGHT WARDEN IS THROWING A “PARTY????” WHAT GUYS ARE "SWINGING" TOGETHER?

Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone,
Little Joe was blowin' on the slide trombone.
The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang,
the whole rhythm section was the Purple Gang.
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

LITTLE JOE WAS BLOWIN’, THAT’S ALL I NEED TO HEAR! THE “PURPLE GANG?????”

Number forty-seven said to number three:
"You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.
"Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

OK FOLKS, WHEN HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A CO-ED PRISON OR JAIL? #47 SAID TO #3 YOU’RE THE CUTEST JAILBIRD I EVER DID SEE????

The sad sack was a sittin' on a block of stone
way over in the corner weepin' all alone.
The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square.
If you can't find a partner use a wooden chair."
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

A MAN CRYING IN JAIL BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE A SODOMY, I MEAN DANCE PARTNER? WHAT ARE THEY USING THAT WOODEN CHAIR FOR????

Shifty Henry said to Bugs, "For Heaven's sake,
no one's lookin', now's our chance to make a break."
Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said,
"Nix nix,I wanna stick around a while and get my kicks."
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

WHAT KIND OF “KICKS” WERE THESE BOYS GETTING? NO ONE'S LOOKIN' NOW, OUR CHANCE TO MAKE A BREAK....HAHAHA THIS SONG IS VERY VERY GAY.

Horn vs Phone

I noticed that there are still obnoxious people out there that pull up in front of other people's homes and "honk" the horn when they pull up to pick them up. Isn't this an outdated way of communicating? Everyone has cell phones now and use them for every other reason except to let someone know when they are in front of someone's house. Last night at about 8, this crazy woman across the street was basically pressing against her mini van horn with all her might to pick one of her kids up. This honk lasted for 45 seconds straight and happened three or four times. What kind of an idiot does this? Get out of your car and go to the door you lazy bitch or call from your cell and let them know you are out front. Then at 1130, just as I had fallen asleep I heard another horn on the street behind my house honking for someone. What the fuck? I live in a residential area, not the city! Not that it is even acceptable in the city to do! Why can't people consider other people when making these decisions? Is it that hard to call someone and say I'm out front? Or call them when you are down the block and say I'm on your block, I'll be there in a minute so the person can be ready and come out? The one time people SHOULD use their cell phone, they choose the fuckin' horn and disrupting my quality of life instead!

Little Things Mean A Lot........

On Saturday I saw a friend that I had not seen since last July. We got to talking about life and what’s been happening the past 8 months or so. It was nice to catch up and talk to them. This friend said something to me that was very touching, something I did not really realize. This friend told me that one night last May when we hung out at my house and drank and chatted all night that they were going through a difficult family situation/event the next day that was making them very emotional and anxious. This person told me this past Saturday that hanging out with me that night in May meant a lot to them and that it made the family situation much easier to deal with the next day. They mentioned that chatting and hanging out that night was something they remembered and something that meant a lot to them. I was very very touched that someone could say that merely talking to me made such an impact on them. It’s funny how just being kind and genuine to someone can go so far. It made me feel good because just what they mentioned is something that I think means more to me than anything, making a difference in the lives of people around me.

This comment got me thinking even more on Sunday. I wondered how a simple night of talking and making someone forget their problems could be cherished by someone, yet there are people in life that we struggle to please, that we give everything to, that we go all out for, and get no real reaction from them or no genuine appreciation. I just don’t get it. There have been a couple of people in recent memory that I have given so much to, and have really struggled to make happy. You all know what I am saying because I am sure you’ve all been in similar situations. The person, no matter how much you give, how much you care, how much time and energy you put in to help them, make a difference in their life, love them, they are not responsive or they are unmoved by it. I had similar experiences when I managed a few businesses. Say you had 50 employees, I’d say 48 of them appreciated the extras you did for them, the bonuses, the lunches, letting them go home early, all kinds of stuff that even go beyond the realm of being their manager like talking to them when they were in need, etc. Then there were the one or two that no matter what you did for them or how much you tried, they just had their own agenda and were not moved or affected at all by your efforts. Almost as if it was expected or owed to them.

I guess the moral of the story is to just be yourself. Go about your day doing your best to make the people in your life feel important and good. The rest will fall into place. When you come across the people who are unresponsive to it, don’t let it change you or your approach to life. Also, when someone makes an impact or does something that makes a difference to you, let them know. Just do things for people because you want to, not because you want a pat on the back or you are looking for something in return, because most of the time, you won’t get much in return, but I think the giving feels much better anyway.

The Week In Review

Almost time to start what looks to be a very fun weekend.....thought I'd recap the week that was. First day of Spring 7:33AM this Sunday!

1) Got to see my office supply pal and we had lunch on Wednesday. Good to see you, we’ll have to get together again soon.
2) Predicted who would be voted off Idol on Wednesday.
3) Finally saw 45 degree temperatures!
4) The Reismeister stopped in from Commack earlier in the week, yipppeeee!
5) Had a nice night out on St. Patrick’s Day, although the fish n’ chips and the Guinness had me feeling like a stuffed pig!
6) My daily L-Ha e-mails kept me smiling….you rock. Hope to see you soon!
7) The Sugar V’s words of wisdom got all of us through another week……
8) I made some kick ass chili this week! Lots still in the freezer!
9) Enjoyed another week of “Random Rants” and “Bridget Tunnel” blog reading.
10) Got to see Rich, you are a riot with that old Freestyle music…hope you found all the tunes you wrote down!
11) Got my car free of salt and all that winter crap, lookin’ good! Great wash!
12) Overall a 7 on a scale of 10.

Why No Beard????

Last weekend I was flipping through the channels and I came across an old “Tarzan” movie. As I watched this man swing from vines and do his famous “call” I wondered why he has no beard. The guy lives his whole life in a jungle playing with animals, yet he is clean shaven. It makes no sense. I watch the TV show “Survivor” and after like a week the dudes on there have ZZ Top beards and the women have forests growing in their armpits, yet Tarzan seems to have access to shaving supplies. I guess the same could be said of the Gilligan’s Island crew…they always looked fresh and clean shaven as well. I’m sure they owe that to the witty professor who probably made them razors out of coconut shells and some kind of coconut based shave gel. Just a point to ponder……

"Horsepower"

Good Morning to all. Sluggish this morning after a St. Patrick's Night out and about in Long Beach. The Irish music got to me after a while and was happy when they switched it up with some U2 and some Irish "rock."

So, I am watching a little television this morning and I see one of many commercials for new cars. There are way too many on TV now. What I noticed on each commercial is the boasting of the car's "horsepower." Why the hell in 2005 are we still concerned with the amount of horses this is equivalant to? The car goes 0-60 in 5 seconds and I give a shit about how many horses this compares to? When people rode horses back in the day did they say their horse was equivalent to 120 donkeys? I just don't understand why someone would need to know, or better yet, why cars are still measured in horsepower. What's next, snowmobiles that say "1000 sled dog power" on them? Cars have every modern luxury known to man in them now, yet we still love comparing them to horses.

On A Lighter Note.........

I got into an e-mail discussion yesterday about the top 20 things in life that I love/make me feel good. It was something I just rattled off the top of my head yesterday, but I thought about this all night and all morning and here is my official list of top 20 things I love/ that make me feel good.

1) Spending Time With Someone I Love
2) Music
3) Sex (had to make the top 5)
4) Writing
5) The NY Yankees
6) Cooking
7) Eating
8) Running
9) Laughing/Making Others Laugh
10) Good Conversation
11) The Beach
12) Taking a Long Shower
13) Playing Baseball
14) Gift Giving
15) Road Trips
16) Keeping My House Clean/Cleaning
17) A Good Alcoholic Beverage or Two....or Three
18) Trivia/Learning New Stuff/Challenges
19) Helping Others/Making an Impact On Others
20) Watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on TV

Irish History:Bloody Sunday-January 30, 1972

On Sunday January 30, 1972, in an incident since known as Bloody Sunday, twenty-seven people were shot by British soldiers after a civil rights march in the Bogside area of the city of Derry, Northern Ireland. The march was organized by Derry MP Ivan Cooper to protest the internment of Irishmen in Northern Ireland.

Thirteen people were shot dead, with another man later dying of his wounds. The official army position was that the Paratroopers had reacted to the threat of gunmen and nail-bombs from suspected IRA members. However, many witnesses (including marchers, local residents, and British and Irish journalists) challenge the army's account - their claims include that soldiers fired indiscriminately into the crowd, or were aiming at fleeing people and those tending the wounded. Some also claim that the soldiers were not fired upon. No British soldier was hit by any bullet, nor were any bullets recovered after the fact. In the rage that followed, the British embassy in Merrion Square in Dublin was burned by an irate crowd. Anglo-Irish relations hit one of their lowest ebbs, with the Irish Minister of Foreign Affairs, going specially to the United Nations in New York to demand UN involvement in the Northern Ireland troubles.

This incident was featured in U2's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday."

I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyesAnd make it go away
How long?How long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?'
Cause tonight, we can be as oneTonight

Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end street
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up
Puts my back up against the wall

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

And the battle's just begun
There's many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sistersTorn apart

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

How long?How long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
'Cause tonight, we can be as oneTonight, tonight

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away...Sunday, Bloody Sunday...
Oh, wipe your blood shot eyes...Sunday, Bloody Sunday...
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday...
Sunday, Bloody Sunday...
Sunday, Bloody Sunday...

And it's true we are immune
When fact is fiction and TV reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die...
Sunday, Bloody Sunday...
The real battle just begun
To claim the victory Jesus won
On...Sunday, Bloody Sunday

St. Patrick's Day Indeed

Cheers to all my Irish friends out there! Top O' The Mornin' To Ya! I have my U2, Van Morrison, Sinead O'Connor, and Cranberries CD's pumpin' today! The day to be topped off most definitely by a pint of Guinness! I shared with L-HA this morning the history of St. Patrick's Day, so I'll pass it along to my blogger pals out there:

St. Patrick's Day is celebrated annually on March 17 in honor of Ireland's patron saint. St. Patrick was born between 370 and 390 C. E. in the Roman Empire in Britain. His given name (Magonus Sucatus or Maewyn Succat) was changed to Patricius (Patrick) either after his baptism or after he became a priest. At the age of 16, Patrick was kidnapped and sold into slavery in Ireland. He remained in captivity for six years during which time he worked as a shepherd and began to have religious visions. You really loooooooooooove shepherds. During one of the visions, Patrick became aware of a rescue ship and he fled to France. French cooking blows, don't know how he did that!

Patrick eventually returned to Ireland as a missionary and succeeded in converting the Irish to Christianity. He used a shamrock to explain the Trinity to potential converts. The three leaves of the shamrock represented the father, son, and holy spirit. Patrick is also reported to have driven all of the snakes, a pagan symbol, out of Ireland and into the sea where they drowned. This is perhaps a metaphor for driving paganism out of Ireland since biologists believe there were no snakes in Ireland at the time.

St. Patrick's Day celebrations in the United States are secular and date back as far as 1737 when Boston held its first St. Patrick's Day parade. The day is celebrated with green beer(nasty shit), the wearing of green clothing, and parades. However, in Ireland, the day is primarily a religious occasion.

Bottoms Up everyone! Have fun and enjoy!

Customer Service Calls

I really enjoy (sarcasm) calling customer service numbers for companies when I have a question or a problem with something. Isn’t it just a wonderful experience? First, you get a choice of hearing the “menu” in about 14 different languages. For English, press 1, for Spanish, press 2….it goes on and on, for Swahili press 14, for Ebonics press 16…….

After selecting a language (which is a topic for another post) you then have about 15 layers of menus before you get a live person on the phone. Many times none of the menu choices describe your situation, so you have to wing it and pick something close. Some of these menu choices are ridiculous with ridiculous scenarios. “If your computer is on fire and you see smoke, press one now.” “If your computer is talking to you and you are scared, press two now.” It’s like, just get me a fuckin’ human being! When you finally get a human, it is a worker in India or Pakistan because all the service jobs are out sourced to those countries. They have no clue what you are talking about and the problem is seldom resolved without asking for a manager or supervisor.

The most bothersome thing for me while calling these numbers is the “on hold” music. Some of this music is totally insane. I’ve heard circus-like music, wacky Cajun music, classical, jazz, soft rock, etc. The thing that bothers me most is the “rock” music played in classical form. If you are going to play classical, play fuckin’ classical, not Van Halen on a fuckin’ piccolo! There’s nothing more annoying than hearing Aerosmith on a violin or a harp while I am already pissed off after 19 language choices and 15 layers of menus! Pick a genre of music and stick with it. You wouldn’t hear Metallica performing Beethoven would you? So don’t have fuckin’ Kenny G doing Motley Crue.

I also hate being “transferred” to someone else who can help me. You have to tell the same story to like 12 people before someone can help you. You start off with the full story with operator one, by operator number twelve, they are getting the “Cliff Notes” version of your story because you are tired of telling it. Sometimes you are in mid-sentence describing your problem and they just transfer you. They hear one key word, like “bill”….”oh, let me transfer you to our billing department.” Meanwhile you said I’m not paying the “bill” until you fix this technical problem…….wrong department asshole!

I avoid calling these “service” lines unless absolutely necessary!

The Channel Formerly Known As.....

When is MTV going to rename itself? It has not been MTV since about 1990. When was the last time MTV played a video? Who was President? They should do what Prince did and call themselves the “Channel formerly known as MTV.” I grew up in the heart of the MTV generation. My home was the first on our block to get MTV back in 1981 when I was a rockin’ little nine year old C-Mac daddy. All my friends used to come over to watch it. We even had the TV rigged to the stereo so that when a good video (song) came on we could hear it full blast.

The early days of MTV featured ROCK N’ ROLL, remember rock n’ roll? They really had something for everyone. They had heavy metal, new wave, classic rock, punk rock, dance music, pop, rap, etc. It was just a cornucopia of music and they always introduced new artists, many of which made it big and still thank MTV for their success. MTV also ruined some careers, artists that were good singers but not marketable on TV. A good example of an artist that was ruined by MTV was Christopher Cross. He was HUGE in 1979-1981. He had so many top 10 hits like “Sailing”, “Ride Like the Wind”, and “Arthur’s Theme.” The problem with him was he was fat and ugly and wasn’t nice to look at….and boom! His career was over. That is also why Milli Vanilli did what it did. The “real” singers of those songs were not marketable so they needed to find “singers” they could market. In their case, they got caught. I have to admit, I liked those songs though and I still have the CD!

The videos were so great back in the 1980’s. They were cutting edge and the videos told a story. When you heard the song on the radio, you automatically pictured the video. On some songs, I still do! Now, videos are all big booty girls shakin’ their asses with cars bouncing, people drinking, and guys with tons of “bling” on. It seems that nobody has imagination or creativity anymore in the music business. I am a rap fan, I really am. I own so many rap cd’s and music, but I have a huge problem with the rap industry. The rap artists all start out rapping about their hard knock lives in the ghetto. Then they make it big and rap about being rich, having women, and cars, and all kinds of shit…it is kinda getting old already. Rappers also “sample” (which is another word for steal) other artist’s music and then put their own words to it. If I hear another 80’s song (music) with rap lyrics to it I am going to cry. Come up with your own shit! I don’t even think the pioneers of rap and hip hop are happy with how commercial it has become. You look back at rap songs from Pioneers like GrandMaster Flash with “The Message”, The Sugarhill Gang’s “Rappers Delight”, and Cutis Blow’s “The Breaks”, those were rap songs. They told a story, they were comical at times but they spoke about “real” stuff….not about guns, women, cars, and “bling.”

The music industry if falling apart right before our eyes. Lindsey Lohan??????? What the fuck is going on? I am such a big music fan but I’ve been disappointed year after year since about 1997. Give me some substance, give me a good video, give me an original song, write your own shit, give me an artist that will be around 10 years from now! Will there ever be another band like the Beatles? Will anyone ever have the longevity of The Rolling Stones or Springsteen ever again? Will people write songs that will be played 30 years from now? Right now, I have my doubts. I love all kinds of music, but the industry itself now is a joke and we need some more variety and they need to find some real talents out there.

Day vs. Night

Day hours versus night hours are a strange comparison. Think about how long and how much happens between 10am and 6pm. You get through and entire work day with all the office shenanigans, have lunch, deal with more office BS, then head home, all in those 8 hours. It’s jam packed and it seems like it never ends. Yet 10pm to 6am flies by when you sleep. It seems like you just rest your head on the pillow, and it’s 6am and time to do it all over again!!!!! Why does night go so fast? Is someone screwing with the world clocks when we sleep? Eight hours should be eight hours, yet the nights go so fast. I think 6pm-10pm is the “fastest” time of the day for me. Those four hours are over in the blink of an eye. In those four hours I work out, cook and eat dinner, shower, chat on the phone, watch TV (a show here and there) and it’s all over with. I feel like I am getting ripped off at night with time. I want more night hours! Even though I hate winter sunsets at 4pm….I love summer nights where it gets dark at 9pm…I mean I just like the “feel” of the night as opposed to morning or afternoon. To me, about 830pm on a summer night is the absolute best. It’s warm, the sun is setting, it’s just amazing…….it will be here before we know it!

Bad Day?

Do any of you have a day (date) of the year that is a bad day annually? I have dates that are bad for a few years then they are fine. March 15th was a bad day for like three consecutive years in recent history for me. Bad things happened on March 15th from ’02-'04. Hopefully this year the March 15th bad day run will end. For a while, the last week of January (yes, the whole week) was a bad one. This was in the late 90’s…then stopped, then hit me again in 2003. It’s weird how bad things can happen on the same day or same week for consecutive years isn’t it? Have any of you experienced anything similar? It’s March 15th, wish me luck! haha

Emergency "Drills"

I have to laugh sometimes at these drills places make you go through in case of fire and other emergencies. In "real" situations people always forget the shit they learn and never do what they do in a drill. Some people panic, some people are carefree, other have their own agendas, some act like Costanza and trample the women and children in front of them. I really think you don't know how you'd act in an "emergency" until you are faced with one. Like being robbed for instance, they train you in business what to do when you are being robbed. Things are VERY different when you have that gun pointed in your face. People always play Monday morning QB and say "Oh, I would have done this or that if that were me."

Remember those "Civil Defense Drills" back in school. You lined up in the hallway against the walls with your hands over your heads or they made you go under the desks. This was a "Cold War" thing. Yeah like that $30.00 desk was going to protect you from a nuclear blast. That always cracked me up, even as a kid. I was always like, just tell me when to bend over and kiss my white ass goodbye.

Whenever there was a slight threat of a hurricane hitting us here on Long Island, my dysfunctional family's emergency plan was to cook/eat everything in the freezer before the storm hit in case the power goes out. You'd be eating frozen pizza, licking an ice cream cone, cooking meat, all at the same time, just so the food would not go bad "in case" the storm hit or the power went out. It always sucked when the storm blew out to sea and you just finished eating the entire fuckin' freezer. One time a category 3 hurricane hit in 1985, it was pretty bad. But we were prepared....my mom made us sit in a cobweb filled dusty basement on a picnic table, listening to a fuckin' AM transistor radio....and we brought down emergency supplies, a gallon of water and a box of fuckin' oatmeal cookies. That's a true story unfortunately. Nothing like storm preparation!

Daytime "Construction"

So I just got back to the office, I went to the supermarket on my lunch break to pick up a few things. As I approach the entrance to the supermarket, I notice two guys on ladders working on the doors of the supermarket. You could barely get in or out of the store just walking without a cart, forget trying to get a shopping cart in or out. This shit pisses me off. Fix the fuckin' door before opening or after the store closes, not in the middle of the day when people are trying to get in and out of the store. I also hate when they clog the aisles packing shit out while the store is open. You try to get down the aisle for something and the stock clerk looks at you like your are committing one of the seven deadly sins by going down that aisle. What the fuck? If you are going to stock shelves while the store is open, leave people some space to shop douche bag! Daytime road construction pisses me off too. The roads are clear at night, do that shit then when people don't have to be inconvenienced. With gas at like $10 a fuckin' gallon, who wants to be sitting in traffic for no reason. I live in a beach community and they always decide to rip up the bridges like a week before Memorial Day and work on it all summer long when traffic is at it's highest volume, WHY? Fix that shit during the off-peak season so you don't have to ruin everyone's fuckin' summer! People just make no fuckin' sense at all.

What's In A Name?

I've noticed over the years that people's personalities are directly related to their name. For instance, every Tina I've ever met turned out to be a total bitch. Most Kims I've dealt with have also been difficult. I've had good success with the Christines, the Debbies, the Kellys, and the Laurens. I really believe that this can't be a coincidence. Really popular names like Mike and John, I'm sure we've had a mix of both good and bad because there are so many of them. But for a name that isn't overly popular, think back to all the people you've known that had that name, they usually all are either total assholes or are all very nice. I must say every Charlie I've known has been a great guy, present company included! haha

C-Mac, the Castaway

One of Molly's blogs got me thinking. If I were stranded on an island and I could bring some stuff/foods with me, what would I choose? Here is my list:

Food (unlimited supply): Pizza or Pasta with meat sauce.
Drink(other than water/non alcoholic): Iced Tea (sweetened) or Diet Coke
Alcoholic Beverage: Wine (Merlot)
Dessert: Cannoli, Chocolate Pudding, or Brownies
CD's: "The Rising" by Bruce Springsteen, "The Stranger" by Billy Joel, and "Boston" by Boston
DVDs: My "Yankeeographies", Rocky 2, The Honeymooner's Collection, Bruce: Live in Barcelona
Luxury/Bonus Item: Baseball Cap
Person with me: Tough one.....I'll take the 5th on this one.

Toilet Minutes

I really don’t understand people who spend a great deal of time in the bathroom reading newspapers, magazines, and other things while sitting on the toilet. Isn’t the whole idea to spend as little time as possible on the toilet? I don’t really understand the whole reading concept in the bathroom. Is the article about local school budget cuts going to make you go? People say “Oh it relaxes me.” I say read on the couch, relax, the when you have to go, head into the bathroom and take care of your business. Some people are have to get in some sort of "zone" to go, kind of like those karate guys right before they break a board with their head. I’m really not too sure I want to be reading that book or newspaper after someone had it on the toilet with them.

Ever use the bathroom at someone’s house and the toilet paper is extremely low and you know you are going to need more but you don’t know where they keep the backup rolls? Quite the dilemma! I know you should check beforehand, but sometimes you may have to go and you forget to look. Even better, ever flush someone’s toilet at their house and the water rises in the toilet like it’s going to overflow and you go into a panic? It’s not even that you clogged it or anything, the water just suddenly rises for no good reason and you pray every second that it won’t overflow. That totally sucks too.

The Endless Phone Call.........

Have you ever been on the phone with someone and the conversation is just dragging and you want to get off the phone so bad? The problem is they never stop talking and there is no “natural break” in the conversation where you can throw in an “ok, it was nice chatting with you” or an “it’s getting late” or something to end the conversation. Face it, we can’t just say “gotta go” in the middle of someone speaking, so we wait and wait for that natural break or pause in the conversation when you can throw in your transition line and get the hell out of the conversation. There is nothing worse than a drawn out conversation where it’s not funny, not serious, the person talking has NO point what so ever, or they repeat the same shit you heard last time. I suppose that’s why caller ID was invented. I am all about chatting and having a good time, but the conversation should have natural breaks in it. When you are talking to someone you enjoy the conversation with, it usually has a way of resolving itself naturally. Have you ever found yourself in the most boring conversation that you put the phone down and do chores, occasionally picking up the phone and saying “uh huh, yea, yea?” I hate it!

Songs We Drink To

Do you relate any songs to drinking/happy hour/being drunk? There's nothing like a good tune while you are out at a bar. I am talking about a tune you can sing, a feel good drinking kind of a song. Here are a bunch of my favorite drinking songs:

1) Really any Springsteen tune but especially "Born To Run" "Bobby Jean" and "No Surrender."
2) "Piano Man" and "Captain Jack" by Billy Joel
3) "Margaritaville" "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Why Don't We Get Drunk" by Buffet
4) "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond (aka the Jewish Elvis)
5) "Stuck in the Middle With You" by I think Steel Wheel (1 hit wonder)
6) "Rhythm of My Heart" by Rod Stewart
7) "Reelin' In the Years" and "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan
8) "Bang On the Drum All Day" by Todd Rundgren
9) "What I Like About You" by The Romantics
10) "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors

Ok, Let's hear yours!

$9.00????? What the F????

I was listening to the news this morning and they were saying that all the bridge tolls in and out of NYC are going up AGAIN as of 3am Sunday. It is now going to be $9.00 to cross the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge!!!! NINE bucks to drive across a fuckin' bridge, are they insane? Do you get a blow-job with that? I mean seriously now. How can they justify NINE dollars to drive across a bridge? Everything seems to be priced out of control these days. You have to give your first born and a testicle to fill your gas tank, two bags of groceries at the store is like $60.00, what the hell is going on?

The problem is, people just accept shit now. back in the day, people took shit to the streets and made changes. Today people just say yes to everything and then we all get fucked. Nobody takes a stand anymore. The government starts a war and we lose 1500+ troops based on false intelligence and government fabrication ...and people just say ok and put these fuckin' magnetic "support the troops" ribbons on their cars, gas is $2.10 a gallon, people still buy SUV's and don't give a shit, the environment is totally going to shit, half the country has no healthcare, prescription drugs are not affordable for a good portion of our population, I can go on and on....but people just go about their daily routines and don't care and we keep getting screwed even more. When is it going to stop?

Drive Thru Windows

I hate drive thru windows at places. Unless it’s pouring and I don’t want to get wet, I never go to a drive thru. I am not a fast food fan, but on the occasions where I crave a taco or a burger I always go in, even if I am taking it home. I do this for a few reasons, most of all they always fuck up at the drive thru and forget items in your bag. I think they put the biggest loser of an employee on drive thru because they always screw your order up. I have never had an “inside” employee screw up my order. It’s something about that window that fucks the employees up. You get all the way home only to discover the Mexican pizza you could almost taste is missing. Makes me CRAZY! Then it's like you don't even want to go all the way back. If you try to check your order at the drive up line, people behind you get all pissy because you tie the line up. There is no winning at that drive thru. I also think the drive thru is a waste of time. I go in, get my food and drive away and the drive thru line has only moved like one car. Plus, if I am going to eat shitty food, the least I can do is have a little walk to the counter to get it!

The drive up Dunkin' Donuts near my job pisses me off....it ties up traffic on the main road to get here in the morning because the line is so long. I am not a coffee drinker, so I have no sympathy for these people and their need for a morning fix. Just get out of my way!

I am still waiting for a drive thru pizzaria!

Road Team or Home Team?

Ok, I have a silly question for everyone. When you are dating.....would you rather "hook up" at your place.....or the other person's place? I've always been a "road team" kind of guy. The change of scenery is always more exciting that a place you see every day. Don't get me wrong, I had my own place at 19, so there were many "home games" but I always liked the road. haha. Not that there is anything wrong with "home field advantage" but I always liked taking the C-Mac show on the road......I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts about this silly topic......married people, just think back to the dating days.........hahaha

What to Wear

Is it just me, or are there people where you work that wear the SAME outfit every day? I won't mention names on here, but there is a person who wears the same shirt and pants daily here at the office. Does he/she think we don't notice? If he/she changed it up with 3 outfits for a five day week, we probably would not notice, but the SAME one every day?

Ever go on a first date with someone on say a Friday Night...you wear a nice sweater and pants and you look good. Then it comes time to see them again in say a week or so. You for some reason, feel like wearing that sweater again but you wonder if the person will remember what you wore the week earlier. When is it acceptable to go into wardrobe re-runs? After like date 3? Or is it more about the time that has lapsed between dates which determines whether that outfit can be put back in the rotation? Do you often wonder if people remember what you wore like 2 days ago? Like you go out on Friday with your friends, do laundry on Saturday and want to wear the same shirt (clean now) on Sunday when you hang with them but are afraid they will remember the shirt? I think unless the shirt is really unique, bright, or flashy...nobody really remembers what the hell we wore unless we wear it EVERY day....your thoughts?

Lost Keys

Have you ever noticed that when you lose your car keys you end up looking in some strange places for them? First you do the "retrace my steps" thing and actually act out the scene in your mind of when you last possessed the keys. You walk from the car into the house, looking down at the ground to see if you dropped them. You check everyplace you think you walked when you got in the house. It's kind of like those reenactments on those police TV shows. When that fails you look in crazy places like freezers, bathtubs, closets, shoes, places keys would NEVER be. You always find the keys in an obvious place, a place that you've already checked five or six times. Your gym bag suddenly has a secret pocket or something they wound up in. You always can't find the keys when you are in a hurry and have to be someplace right away too. You never lose your keys when you just have to run to the store for something stupid. It's always when you have to go to work, pick someone up, or have an appointment.......

50 Cent, "The Massacre"

If you haven't purchased 50 Cent's new CD yet, I definitely suggest you purchase it. 50's first album "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" was released in March of 2003. It was an absolutely amazing album and I really did not think the follow-up album "The Massacre" would compare, but it has! I'm sure you all know "The Candy Shop" it's the first single released off the Cd. It's like the most popular song everywhere right now. Trust me, that's not even the FIFTH best song on the CD, there is just song after song that kicks ass on this disc. The album was produced by Dr. Dre and Eminem...hats off to those two who put out another quality product. "Candy Shop" is like the appetizer for the disc, just as "In Da' Club" was for his first album. This album is going to produce hit after hit. My prediction, the song "Outta Control" is going to be the big dance/rap song of the summer of 2005. The musical arrangement on that track is absolutely amazing. The song is catchy and pumps you up big time. If you are a rap/hip hop fan, this CD is a MUST have! It's on sale everywhere this week because of the new release status, pick it up! It is money well spent.

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

Have you ever noticed that some mirrors make you look so hot and others make you look like there perhaps should be a bag over your head? In some rooms, where the lighting is just right, you look in the mirror and you look so good, you actually start waiting for the camera crew to come and start shooting up a spread on you. Then you go in the next room and the lighting and mirror in that room makes you look like you want to hide under the covers and never come out. It's absolutely amazing what lighting and the right mirror can do or not do. In my bathroom, that's a pretty good mirror. If I put one set of dimmer lights on and I go a day without shaving and have that shadow...it looks hot. If I was the "other way" I think I'd even wanna get with myself. haha Then there's a mirror in my room that NEVER makes me look good. Then I have a mirror in my dining room which is another "I am hot" mirror. But then a few steps away, at the top of the stairs by the front door of my house, that mirror is another rough one. So basically, I never know how the hell I really look! What's weird for me is, when I don't shave or when I think I look like crap, I'll get compliments. It's always when I think I look like crap that I hear good things...very strange I tell ya. Mirrors can make your face look bloated so much so that you have to weigh yourself like every hour to check if you really did get as fat as that mirror makes you look. I like when you are out at a bar or club and you go into the bathrooms there. The lighting and mirrors in those places usually make you look pretty good. The WORST mirror for me is the rear view mirror of my car. I ALWAYS look like crap in that mirror for some reason. I hate it and hate looking in it. Basically, I never know how I really look.....usually 0nly as good as the last mirror I've looked into.....

Drinking "Stages"

Another weekend is upon us! With that being said, I was sitting and thinking about the different drinking "stages." The Sugar V and I came up with a nice description of each stage of drinking:

Light Buzz: You feel a bit warm, your ears tingle a bit, and you get slightly flushed. You start to get in drinking mode and conversation is still normal and relaxed. You can distinguish the "hotties" from the not so hot ones. You are glad you went out and are taking in all the sights and sounds.

Buzzed: You start feeling very happy. The drinks seem to be going down just a bit faster. Conversation may turn to sex, sports, or any politically incorrect topic. Your first trip to pee usually occurs at this stage. Life is grand! Some of the not so hot girls start looking better.

Heavy Buzz: The frequency of bathroom visits increase. Anything on the jukebox or the band plays has you feeling the urge to dance. Sex talk gets more specific and graphic. This is when money becomes no object and you start buying EVERYONE drinks. The first thoughts of "doing shots" start to creep into your head and you may even do a few. You start to realize there is no turning back and you are glad you took that cab! 80% of the women in the bar are suddenly do-able.

Drunk: Voices, both yours and your pals are much LOUDER. The same jokes told earlier seem much funnier now. At this point, you'll pee just about anywhere. Your hand-eye coordination starts to break down and your walk is a bit funny. Everyone seems to love each other. EVERY woman in the bar suddenly looks damn good. Shots are going down at a record pace and money is definitely no object. Your dancing skills, in your own mind, are that of a professional. You even mix in some old skool dances like the running man, the cabbage patch, the robot, and the worm. You may request an MC Hammer song or perhaps a Vanilla Ice blast from the past.

Shitfaced: You may have peed yourself. Walking is out of the question. Anything you say at this point will need an apology and will have to be retracted the next morning. You'll regret everything you say and do from this point. Vomiting is a strong possibility. You'll collapse and sleep anywhere with anyone. Sex with anyone is almost certainly out of the question no matter how good they look. The rent money is gone, your friends have shaved your eyebrows off, and you swear you'll never drink again.

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'?

I wonder if it is still socially acceptable to sing Michael Jackson tunes in your car, out at a club, or anywhere in public. Is it ok up until the point of him being found guilty? I mean MJ was a great artist as a child with the Jackson 5 and as a solo artist with great albums like "Off the Wall", "Thriller", and "Bad." He wasn't accused of molesting when he recorded those albums so is it ok to sing and dance to those songs without people thinking you are a kid toucher? I carry about 90 cd's with me at all times in my car. They are cd's I burned that each have a different "style" or genre of music on them. This morning I popped in 80's dance music. Track 10 was "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" by MJ. It's a great "pick me up" tune and I was singing it in the car. When I hit traffic and had to stop, I lowered the radio wondering if it was ok to be listening to MJ. I mean, there are no little boys in my vehicle, but I just felt awkward. It's a shame really, MJ was so talented and put out so much great music back in the day. I often wondered what this verse meant in "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin":

Yes, I Believe In Me
So You Believe In You
Help Me Sing It,
Ma Ma Se,Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa
Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa,Ma Ma Coo Sa

What the hell does that mean? I've always wondered............

Suicide Rules and Etiquette

I think there should be set rules for suicides. There should be certain etiquette and guidelines that are followed. Here is my list of suicide rules and regulations:

1) Always leave a note. People have the right to know why you did it. By all means, mention the names of people that drove you to it. Talk about how miserable you were and who caused it. Be very specific so the cause was is very clear to the reader. Blue or black ink is preferred, but other colors are acceptable. Pencils should not be used, as others could change shit after you die.

2) Kill yourself in such a way that it won't cause a big cleanup. Forget the guns, knives, and razor blades. Pills, vacuum hoses in the garage, rope, and other non messy ways are preferred. Why ruin a good couch, carpet, or chair? Why have others clean up the mess? Do it as cleanly as possible.

3) Don't do it right before a holiday, someone's birthday, or a vacation. Why fuck up someone's good time? Kill yourself at one of these times only if it will fuck up the person that drove you to suicide's holiday or vacation. Otherwise, pick a nice summer day, or a day in September sometime.

4) Don't do it in such a way that it will hurt other people. Parking your car on train tracks, jumping off a building (where you can hit someone), etc., are poor ways. If you want to kill yourself, don't take others with you or cause trauma by having other people witness it.

5) Do it right before bed. Nobody wants to find your body after a long day at the office. Better to find you bright and early and start the day fresh.

6) Absolutely no Nirvana CD's in the stereo when you do it. Picking the proper song is key. I'd pick "I Did It My Way" by Sinatra.

7) Leave your life insurance policy, bank book, and any cash you may have on you in an easy to find place. Why have the hassle afterwards?

Now I've Heard It ALL!!!!!

NEW YORK - The diners arrived at a nice Manhattan restaurant on a cold February night and stripped off coats, hats, gloves and scarves. They didn’t stop there. Skirts, shirts, pants, underwear and stockings all ended up stashed in plastic bags by the bar as the patrons got naked for the monthly “Clothing Optional Dinner.”

Ok, who the hell would want to eat dinner naked, in PUBLIC???? I'm not sure I'd want to sit on those restaurant chairs after the nudist night either.....talk about nasty!!! Isn't this like really unsanitary? I can see a nudist beach, or nudist activity camp...jump on a trampolene, stuff like that, but a nudist restaurant? C'MON NOW!!!!!! It's like, yes m'aam I'll have the eggplant parmasean minus the pubic hair and a side of pasta. What the hell? I definitely don't think I'd be ordering the sausage either........

I'm very certain the nudists were 400lb nasty ass people too, not supermodels, male or female. Last thing I want to see is a 75 year old fat womans breasts in my appetizer or a 67 year old man's shriveled penis while I am eating my salad! What is the world coming to?

Certified Mail

So I get home yesterday and there's a certified mail card from the US Post Office in my mailbox. It said they attempted to deliver a certified letter to me and I was not home. It says please pick up at the Post Office between 9-5. It does not tell you who the letter is from or what it's about. I hate that shit. Who's home between 9-5 that can pick up the letter? People work assholes! It also does not tell you who the letter is from. The fuckin' UNIBOMBER could be sending me a greeting card and I would not know. At least tell someone on the card who it's from so they don't get all stressed. I am sure it is no big deal, but I hate not knowing for days who the letter is from, if it's important, or what it's about. All this crazy shit runs through your head as to what the letter could be about. Nobody sends you something casual through certified mail right? Ok, I am paranoid. hahahaha

The Last Bite

Don't you hate when you are eating something really good and you get down to the last bite, spoonful, or forkful? It's like you want more, but you know that's it. You like savor it, knowing it's the last bite. It sucks when you are enjoying something like an ice cream on a summer's day and you still have like half of it left and you are not in "last bite" mode yet and it melts off the stick and falls to the ground. That really sucks because you didn't get to that last "savory" bite yet. You are not in the right mental mode for it to all be gone and it pisses you off. The ice cream man is already 3 blocks away and you know you can't get another right away. It really sucks at like Yankee Stadium when you drop a hot dog or an ice cream because they are $10.00 each!

What's worse is when you live with family, friends, or significant other and you know there's something in the fridge or freezer at home that you want to have when you get there. It could be a dessert, leftovers, or something else really good. You are driving home and you can almost taste it, only to find out when you get home that someone ate it. To pour salt in the already open wound, you see like the wrapper or some other remnant of it at the top of the garbage in the kitchen. That always sucks big time!

Life's Most Embarrassing Moments

We all have a moment, or two, or three in our lives that were so embarrassing that you can't forget them. I was thinking about some of my most embarrassing moments. Here are my top 3:

3) 1988 or so, I was walking in the mall with my friends and I was talking and not paying attention and I walked into one of the columns (pillars) that hold up the roof to the mall and fell flat on my back. It was during the Christmas season, so it was packed and about 100 people saw it and laughed their asses off.

2) I was about 20 and I already had my own place for about a year. I met this girl that was totally hot and I asked her out. We went on a date and everything was great. We agreed to hang out again and I decided to have her over my apartment for dinner. I cooked a great meal, bought wine, flowers, the whole nine yards and couldn't wait for her to come over. When she got there we ate dinner which turned out great. Then we decided we wanted some of the wine. I looked and looked and could not find my corkscrew anywhere. So she was like, try opening it with a knife or something. Here I am, playing nice music, all cozy, romantic mood going and I have to figure out how to open this fuckin' bottle of red wine. So I plunged a steak knife into the cork...the cork pushed into the bottle of wine and it exploded all over me, the ceiling, the walls. This girl was hysterical laughing. I had to laugh too, but I was humiliated. We forgot about the wine..I cleaned myself up and we had a great night anyway. I ended up dating her for two years, so I guess she thought I wasn't too much of an ass. But, you talk about being embarrassed and a mood killer.

1) I was at High School baseball practice. I was playing centerfield and running down fly balls all afternoon. There were three really hot girls sitting in the centerfield bleachers, so I was showing off a bit. One of my friends on the team hit a long home run over the fence in left center, so I had to climb the fence and get it. When I went to climb the fence all "casually and cool" the top of my baseball pants got caught on the fence and it pulled my pants halfway down and I was hanging on the fence by my pants basically in my underwear. The girls were laughing so hard at me as well as my entire team. My friend playing left field finally came over and got me loose from the fence. That one took the cake! I'd love to hear some of yours!

The Drive Up ATM

Ok, I have a very important question to ask. Why do the drive up ATM machines have braille on them? What blind person is driving through for a quick withdrawal? The only blind person I've ever seen driving was Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman" and it was scary. I am all for handicapped accommodations, but braille on a drive up ATM may be taking it too far.

Ever go to like Six Flags or any other big "Amusement Park?" They have HUNDREDS of handicapped parking spots, yet you never see someone being wheeled around within the park in a wheelchair, on crutches, or anything of that nature. Why all those handicapped spots? There are so many at the supermarkets too. What are the odds of 30 handicapped people showing up at the same supermarket to park at the same time? The spots are always empty. I know if I was handicapped, screw the handicapped spot, I'd want my ass dropped off right at the front door. I can honestly say, I've never parked in a handicapped spot, but the thought has crossed my mind when I just needed one quick item at the store. I've thought of getting out and faking a limp. Guilt always gets the better of me though. The handicapped spot is like a mirage when you can't find parking. You see it from a mile away and race to the spot thinking it's a regular spot...you are so excited thinking you beat everyone to it, only to see the blue lines.

"Double Sided" Juice Containers

Ok, here is another brainstorm of mine for a new product. I am always forced to buy pineapple juice, orange juice, and other juices in the dairy case in a half gallon size. I usually just buy pineapple or grapefruit juice to mix a few drinks at the bar in my house. It usually sits in the fridge, expires and I toss it because I don't need a half gallon. What they should make is this:

A half gallon container with 2 juices in it, one quart each. It would look just like the current OJ container with the spout, but it would have 2 spouts, one on each side. In the middle of the container there would be a divider that separates the 2 juices. So when you go to the store you can buy a half gallon of pineapple and grapefruit, a quart of each. You could do this with cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, whatever, have the choice of 2. This would be perfect for your bar at home, so you don't get sick of the "same" juice and have to drink a half gallon, for people with kids where the kids like different juices.....it would offer variety without having to buy 2 containers....and both flavors would be readily available in ONE container. This could also work for chocolate/strawberry milk made by like NESQUICK........or other beverages. Thoughts?

Car (theft) Alarms

So, at 4am today this car alarm was blaring from about two blocks away for over twenty minutes. If I can hear it VERY clearly two blocks away with my windows shut in winter, how the hell can the asshole who owns the car not hear it and turn it off? It's so annoying! Car alarms are useless anyway. Anytime we hear an alarm go off, we never think to ourselves, "wow, someone is stealing a car." We actually think "wow, some asshole set their alarm off" or "shut that fuckin' alarm off now asshole!" I think LOJACK is useful which can locate your stolen vehicle or a device that nature, but standard blinking and blaring alarms should be a thing of the past. Professional thieves will cut the alarm before they steal your car anyway, so what purpose does a loud and annoying alarm serve other than to wake my tired ass up at 4am? I'd go as far to say that 80% or more of the general population would turn a blind eye if they saw someone ACTUALLY stealing a car, let alone hearing an alarm. You know how it is, the average person "saw nothing" or "does not want to get involved" and turns the other way. Even stories on the news where someone is beaten or robbed in the middle of the day, people just stand around and watch. So, to the dick who woke me up at 4am, get LOJACK! I'm sure the asshole probably has the alarm on a fuckin' 1991 Hyundai Excel anyway.......

The "Art" Of Looking Busy

I love the people who walk around the office who try to give the impression that they are "swamped" with work. Their acting skills are so poor it's almost comical. When I get shit to do, I do it, end of story. I don't drag it out to try to make myself look busy. The minute I get something I do it. Some people have mastered the art of taking 2 hours worth of work and making it 8. Here are some of their tricks to looking busy:

1) They always pretend to look annoyed or stressed. This gives the average person they pass the impression they are grinding it out and are overwhelmed.
2) They always carry papers everywhere they go. They always have to seem like they are on a mission, like those papers are urgent. A person with no documents looks like they are heading to the cafeteria, a newspaper means the bathroom.
3) Wiping the brow. That's one of my favorites. they wipe their brow or their head like they are just so exhausted or drained from the "onslaught" of work.
4) Deep breaths or sighs. They breathe in deep to emphasize the physical an emotional toll that "ton of work" is having on them.
5) They seem glued to their computers. They are really playing video games, doing their banking, or some other personal stuff, but it gives the impression they are busy.
6) The messy desk. A clean desk is a sign of not having enough work. They spread papers all over the desk and guest chairs to make it look like they are overwhelmed.
7) They bring binders and papers home. Those binders could be lunch menus, but it gives the impression they are slaving at home too and that they are just too busy here to finish it all.
8) They always let their voice mail pick up. This gives the impression they are swamped and can't even take a call. They then call back 20 minutes later explaining how busy they are and they say sorry for missing the call.
9) They appear to work late. They stay until the minute the boss leaves and fly the coop. They probably just read magazines or surf the net to look busy and kill time until the boss leaves.
10) They stack books, manuals, and catalogs all over their office to give that busy effect.

Gettin' The Song Wrong

Ok, we all have a song or songs that we sang the wrong lyrics to for YEARS until we finally found out what they really were saying. It's always a shock when we find out the "REAL" words and not our own made up ones. I am usually pretty good with lyrics, as music is a key part of my life, but I've screwed up a few in my life. My favorite "screw up" was from a 1970's song I used to hear as a small child. It was called "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan and John Ford Coley. You all know it, they still play it on all those "Lite FM" type of stations. Ok here's the "real verse" which is the chorus to the song:

I'm not talking 'bout moving in,
And I don't want to change your life.
But there's a warm wind blowing,
The stars are out,
and I'd really love to see you tonight.

I used to sing:

I'm not talking 'bout THE LINENS
And I don't want to change your life.
But there's a warm wind blowing,
The stars are out,
and I'd really love to see you tonight.

In retrospect, why would he talk about linens? This song came out in 1976 when I could barely walk, but I remember it as a kid and throughout my life. I think it was like 1996 when I finally realized what I'd been singing wrong. I'd enjoy hearing your lyric "screw ups."

To Tell, Or Not To Tell.............

Have you ever had a conversation with someone at work and they keep touching their nose? Like they rub it or itch it? I hate when this happens because I always think that they might be hinting that I have something on my nose. So then I start touching my nose. When they leave, I run to the bathroom mirror to make sure there's not something on my nose. Am I just paranoid? What is the rule about telling someone they have something hanging from their nose or something in their teeth, or body odor? Is it how close you are with them? I don't think I'd ever tell anyone they stink unless:

A) I knew them VERY well
B) The stink was not an isolated incident, like they just played volleyball in 100 degree heat.
C) The stink would have to be smelled on them at least three times from non-activity related causes.
D) A booger is something I'd tell anyone regardless of how well I knew them. Stink is a much more personal matter.
E) Something in the teeth, another "must tell" issue no matter how well you know them.
F) Breath issues, I wouldn't mention if they just ate garlic or something of that nature. If it's a daily thing that is absolutely terrible, I'd mention it if I was in close contact with them often.

I get paranoid about things. I always chew gum and have a ton of mints in my car and office. It's weird when you go for a mint and you are with someone. I always like to offer anyone I'm with candy, gum, or mints, but I always worry that they will think I am hinting something to them rather than just being nice and giving them a treat..........

Missing Out on "Something"

Have you ever sat around on a Saturday or Sunday or even a weeknight after work, bored and watching TV and thinking to yourself that EVERYONE else in the world is out having fun except for you? You picture them dancing, partying, doing all kinds of fun and entertaining things, only to find out the next day that everyone you talk to was doing the same thing you were doing? I think it's funny. Unless we are doing something fun and crazy (which we can't ALWAYS be doing), we always think everyone else in the world is having a blast. Especially now in winter, the weekends aren't as dazzling as the summer weekends are, so as you are sitting in front of the TV on a Saturday afternoon with Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs all over your shirt you think like "what the hell is wrong with me, everyone in the world is probably out having fun." Then when you get to work on Monday and ask everyone what they did on Saturday, they are like "food shopping", "errands", "laundry", and it's then you realize the TV and the Doritos were the thing to be doing on Saturday! After my workouts and dinner on weeknights, it's like 730pm, and I always feel bored like I am wasting time until I go to bed. I feel like the weeknights need more excitement......then I talk to people at work and they were either watching "Reality TV Shows" or doing something more boring than me.......I guess the moral of the story is, the grass isn't always greener......