I think there should be set rules for suicides. There should be certain etiquette and guidelines that are followed. Here is my list of suicide rules and regulations:
1) Always leave a note. People have the right to know why you did it. By all means, mention the names of people that drove you to it. Talk about how miserable you were and who caused it. Be very specific so the cause was is very clear to the reader. Blue or black ink is preferred, but other colors are acceptable. Pencils should not be used, as others could change shit after you die.
2) Kill yourself in such a way that it won't cause a big cleanup. Forget the guns, knives, and razor blades. Pills, vacuum hoses in the garage, rope, and other non messy ways are preferred. Why ruin a good couch, carpet, or chair? Why have others clean up the mess? Do it as cleanly as possible.
3) Don't do it right before a holiday, someone's birthday, or a vacation. Why fuck up someone's good time? Kill yourself at one of these times only if it will fuck up the person that drove you to suicide's holiday or vacation. Otherwise, pick a nice summer day, or a day in September sometime.
4) Don't do it in such a way that it will hurt other people. Parking your car on train tracks, jumping off a building (where you can hit someone), etc., are poor ways. If you want to kill yourself, don't take others with you or cause trauma by having other people witness it. If you want to die, don't take others with you fucko.
5) Do it right before bed. Nobody wants to find your body after a long day at the office. Better to find you bright and early and start the day fresh.
6) Absolutely no Nirvana CD's in the stereo when you do it. Picking the proper song is key. I'd pick "I Did It My Way" by Sinatra.
7) Leave your life insurance policy, bank book, and any cash you may have on you in an easy to find place. Why have the hassle afterwards?
Have I missed any suicide rules?
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21 comments:
Man that is morbid!!! Umm I think locking yourself in the garage with the car on is the best quiet way.
*lol*
Oh and another less messy version: Take a long bath and drop the hair-dryer for a nice finish. You will at least smell good at your own furneral. You're hair might look tredny as well... :D
Frank Sinatra is a good song but so depressive. I'd take "Always look on the bright side of life" Don't remember the band/singer.
Man that's really morbid!
If you are a woman,do the hair and makeup. I'm with Nastassja on the bath thing although I wouldn't feel right ever bathing in the same tub again. Also make sure to wear a pair of depends underwear for those escaping secretions. eewwww! And please clean your house/room so when people come over after the funeral there is less work to do. Other than that CMac I think you've covered just about everything else. I can't believe we are actually blogging about this.
Definitely make yourself presentable. Go get your hair, nails, whatever done so you can look your best and people can say "she was so pretty".
Let's see my brother covered most of your rules pretty thoroughly.
1)Left a note ... but he was rather cryptic and we'll always wonder what his real issues were. It started "I think I'm being watched, they think I'm a spy." His wife kept the original so don't know what he wrote it with
2)Guns aren't really all that messy.
3)First day of spring - a lovely day to remember
4)Well, doesn't physically hurt anyone - just live with a hole in the lifes of his wife, 5 year old son, sister, mother, father, you get the drift.
5)Yeah you're right - first thing in the morning when you're fresh it's probably easier to deal with. Getting the call earlier in the day was better for me.
6)Yeah, I think he got a budget in place before he left.
You know I can talk pretty freely about it, but it's not really a laughing matter. If you even think you might consider suicide-get professional help, please!
Other than that - I love your blog.
Fucko??
Where did that come from? New favorite word?
So is there something you are trying to share with us all.
Should I book a flight to New York. Do you need some personal attention???
Otherwise, the list is pretty accurate.
Except that suicide is a selfish deed. so most of the rules would Never be adhered to.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...
I'm very worried about you. You need more fantasizing in your life, Darling. More happy, less sad.
YESS!!!!!! love the post!!! holy shit that was great!!!!
Jeeze, suicide etiquette... what are you going to come up with next?
Yes -- Don't do it by jumping in front of a rush hour train!! It's terribly inconvenient to those passengers who get held up while emergency services scrapes you off the undercarriage.
hey do yo know a guy named they call me.....VAN WILDER!] -- what is his sites name? link thanks, he sent me a crazy email and i gotta find his link! i think i got his link from you, maybe
Charlie! Where did you find this? Hmmm, don't worry me. ;-)
Charlie, Man...do we need to have an intervention? This is a little weird, even for you hottie!
a quote by dorthey parker:
Razors pain you,
rivers are damp.
Acids stain you,
drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
nooses give.
Gas smells awful,
you might as well live.
just my 2 cents :)
This is just disturbing on a whole other level. I'm scared that you actually thought about this very thorough list.
I love #6 though, having the proper music on is the most important thing! Hmmmm...who would I have playing in the background?
I'd add a caveat to the one about being messy--drowning may seem convenient--it eventually worked for Virginia Woolfe, if somebody doesn't find you fast enough, you'll turn into a stinky ol' floater, and you may start ripping apart when the cops have to tie ropes to you to haul you back to shore.
There really is no rule for suicide, the only rule is to kill yourself.
The leaving, I have a fucked up life letter is only their way of saying why they can't take being here anymore and it might say their goodbyes or tell their FUCK YOU's to anyone. They don't think of anyone but themselves at that very moment, because if they did, they wouldn't do it knowing that it will kill someone emotionally that they left on their own will.
I can't think of any way to commit suicide because just the thought kills me.
U are wild! no wonder U get so many comments! R u a comedian? maybe U should write dark comedies
rob newman did a stand-up routine/sketch about suicide on the mary whitehouse experience years ago, and advocates that when you write your note you blame it on someone that pissed you off a little, but really has nothing to do with why you actually killed yourself: '..and so i have decided to take my life as i can no longer stand the loud stereo of my next door neighbour...'.
in the sketch he tries to hang himself, pulling the ceiling in and killing the couple upstairs; he still has the noose around his neck when he's trying to blag his way out of it with the policeman: '..well, it must have been subsidence! not someone hanging themselves. hanging themselves? did i say that? did you say that? no, anyway, it couldn't be anyone hanging themselves because you'd need rope for that, wouldn't you...?'
etc. anyway. good post; i'd also add - along the lines of the making a mess rule - that you should ensure that your body is found before it starts to smell. unless you hate your neighbours, or want to 'disappear' and be a (painful) mystery.
Don't forget to leave all the good stuff to the appropriate people!
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