Customer Service Calls

I really enjoy (sarcasm) calling customer service numbers for companies when I have a question or a problem with something. Isn’t it just a wonderful experience? First, you get a choice of hearing the “menu” in about 14 different languages. For English, press 1, for Spanish, press 2….it goes on and on, for Swahili press 14, for Ebonics press 16…….


Don't Put Me On Hold Again Fucko! 

After selecting a language (which is a topic for another post) you then have about 15 layers of menus before you get a live person on the phone. Many times none of the menu choices describe your situation, so you have to wing it and pick something close. Some of these menu choices are ridiculous with ridiculous scenarios. “If your computer is on fire and you see smoke, press one now.” “If your computer is talking to you and you are scared, press two now.” It’s like, just get me a fuckin’ human being! When you finally get a human, it is a worker in India or Pakistan because all the service jobs are outsourced to those countries. They have no clue what you are talking about and the problem is seldom resolved without asking for a manager or supervisor.

The most bothersome thing for me while calling these numbers is the “on hold” music. Some of this music is totally insane. I’ve heard circus-like music, wacky Cajun music, classical, jazz, soft rock, etc. The thing that bothers me most is the “rock” music played in classical form. If you are going to play classical, play fuckin’ classical, not Van Halen on a fuckin’ piccolo! There’s nothing more annoying than hearing Aerosmith on a violin or a harp while I am already pissed off after 19 language choices and 15 layers of menus! Pick a genre of music and stick with it. You wouldn’t hear Metallica performing Beethoven would you? So don’t have fuckin’ Kenny G doing Motley Crue.

I also hate being “transferred” to someone else who can help me. You have to tell the same story to like 12 people before someone can help you. You start off with the full story with operator one, by operator number twelve, they are getting the “Cliff Notes” version of your story because you are tired of telling it. Sometimes you are in mid-sentence describing your problem and they just transfer you. They hear one key word, like “bill”….”oh, let me transfer you to our billing department.” Meanwhile you said I’m not paying the “bill” until you fix this technical problem…….wrong department asshole!

I avoid calling these “service” lines unless absolutely necessary!