"LIFETIME" Movies

"Lifetime, TV for Women" is their slogan. We've all seen the movies on that channel. Where do they come up with some of this shit? I have a few issues with Lifetime:

1) Almost every male character in their movies is a rapist, a molester, an abuser, or something evil.

2) Meredith Baxter-Birney or Shannon Dougherty star in almost every movie. (Throw in Tory Spelling quite a bit too)

3) The jury always finds the woman "not gulity" when she snaps and kills her husband or boyfriend.

4) There is always a long drawn out drama where a woman meets a guy, he is soooo nice, then she marries him, he turns into this monster, then she makes many attempts to get away, calls upon a male "friend" to help her, who in turn, gets beat up by the bad guy. She then finds a way to kill the husband, then she is either not charged with the crime or the jury finds her not guilty at trial, then she ends up with the male "friend" aka the good guy at the end.

5) Most of these movies could be wrapped up in 90 minutes. Lifetime Network, however, likes to make each one an all day extravaganza. These movies start at like 1pm and run until 7pm.

6) The saddest part is that once you pass the channel on a rainy Saturday afternoon and see what's going on, you get sucked in sometimes and actually find yourself watching this crap. You fall asleep for three hours and wake up, the same movie is still on and barely anything has happened.

7) Every commercial is for Tampons, Douches, or Birth Control patches.

They should come out with a channel called "Dealing With Drama", Television for men. They could show long drawn out movies about crazy chicks, psycho chicks, and all the other stuff men have to deal with. Of course, to get a male audience, there would have to be tons of nudity and lots of beer commercials.......and the movie could only last for about 30 minutes.

Hootie Selling Burgers

Talk about a fall from grace. Hootie (Darius Rucker) is playing guitar in a fuckin' Burger King Commercial! Think back 10 years ago to the spring/summer of 1995, you couldn't put the radio on for more than 5 minutes without hearing a Hootie song, now the dude is pitching Whoppers. What a shame. Granted, Hootie and the Blowfish weren't great, but they were still better than 75% of the shit you hear on the radio now. Now the fucker is singing songs about burgers, fries, and shakes. "Cracked Rear View" their 1995 album sold 15 MILLION copies in the USA alone....which is one of the best selling debut albums in history. Add 2 Grammy Awards to their list of accomplishments and three top 20 hits. Now the dude is in a cowboy hat, strumming a guitar, selling fast food.............

I always loved "Let Her Cry" it was an amazing song. Now it should be called "Watch Him Cry", the poor Bastard!

$114,000.00 ATM Receipt

I was chatting with my friend Rich on Friday Night and he reminded me of a classic joke I played on someone back in 2000 at my previous job.

I had just been promoted to the Purchasing Department at the computer firm I used to work at. It was the summer of 2000. Business was great and we had so many employees in Purchasing, there weren’t enough desks for everyone now that I was promoted into the department. So, the company bought me a new desk at Staples and set it up about 10 feet behind this girl named Tina. Tina was a “phony” type of person. She was friends with the owner of the company and had been employed there for about 8 years at that point. She was materialistic and was not always the nicest person in the world. Tina and I sat so close to each other because of the space limitations in the department that we very quickly started getting on each other’s nerves because we were almost sitting on top of each other. She was always rude to me and really mean at times. Tina, for the most part, liked to date guys with lots of money. Tina was also nosey and would listen to everything I’d say on the phone, casually look at what was on my desk, look at the e-mails I was typing, etc.

One day I was at Roosevelt Field Mall for lunch with my coworkers. I went to the ATM to take out some money to buy my lunch. While I was waiting for my cash to dispense, I noticed a pile of ATM receipts that were left behind by other people who got cash that day. One in particular caught my eye. It was an ATM withdrawal for $100 and the person’s balance in their CHECKING account was $114,000.00!!! A million light bulbs went off in my head. I took this $114,000.00 receipt and placed it in my wallet. The idea I had was to put this receipt on my desk so that Tina would think I had $114,000.00 in the bank. To make it seem more “real” I staged for a few of my coworkers to periodically come by my desk where she could hear us talk and ask to borrow large sums of money from me.

When I got back from lunch I strategically placed the receipt on my desk and left the area. I watched, with my friends at work, from a distance to see if she would snoop. Sure enough she saw it and her eyes almost shot out of her head. I went back to my desk and put the receipt away and went about my work. Tina turned to me and asked how my day was going, how my lunch was, and that she was heading to the break room and asked if I needed any water or anything. Suddenly she was so nice to me. Later that day, Rich (in on the joke) stopped at my desk and asked if he could borrow $1,000 because he was short on his bills. I told him no problem, we’d go to the ATM after work and I’d take it out for him. About an hour later another friend at work came by and said “Charlie, I did not forget about that $500 I owe you, I just don’t have it right now.” I was like, “No Problem! I don’t need it right now, take your time paying me back.” Then my sister (who worked there also) came by and asked to borrow a few hundred to buy her husband a nice watch. Tina was taking this all in and commented later in the day how generous and nice I am with my friends and family. She then admitted she saw the ATM receipt and was like, “How did you save that much money at 28 years old??” I said I saved all my money growing up and made good investments. She was like “That is so admirable, you really are smart with your money.” Tina was like my best pal for about a month until someone finally told her it was a big joke. Needless to say, Tina and I went back to getting on each other’s nerves.

Waiting On Line at Supermarkets

Don't you just hate waiting on long lines at supermarkets? I always seem to pick the wrong line. The line where the old lady is writing a check always kills me. Checks should be BANNED at stores now in the day of debit. There is absolutely no reason to write a check at a store! You always think you are outsmarting everyone by getting on a line that is shorter, and then it happens. Someone bitches that the price on the fuckin' Uncle Ben's Rice is wrong and they send a fuckin' search and rescue team to aisle 7 to investigate while you stand there like an asshole with your 3 items. I hate when the cashier tells you, "after you I'm closed" and they expect you to play traffic cop and tell everyone that gets behind you that she's closing. Hey bitch, are you paying me to do this shit? I'm not a Waldbaum's employee, tell them yourself. I've tried to be the nice guy before by telling people she's closed after me and they give me attitude like I'm shutting her down for her break. There really is nothing to do when you wait on line but wait. I look in people's carts to see what they are buying. When it's a really heavy person with all junk food, I can't help but think mean thoughts and think to myself, "no wonder you are fat." I know it's mean, but I can't control my thoughts. I would never say anything mean like that to anyone, but I think it. I also look in my own cart and evaluate what I'm about to buy. Most of the time, I'll drop an item or two when I think to myself "do I really need this?" Then you get to the beginning of the belt. You are greeted by the tabloids and all the hysterical headlines. "President Bush Meets With Alien Leaders" and there's a "picture" of him around a big table with the aliens. Then you start putting your stuff on the belt. You are trying to keep it all together and they keep moving the belt. The asshole on line in front of you rarely puts the divider thing down for you so you have to reach across his/her groceries to get it. Then when it's your turn you have to give them your "store card" to get the sale items. I have fuckin' 100 of these in my wallet for every store I shop at. Why can't it just come off automatically? I like to bag my own groceries, not only to help the cashier, but I like all my frozen shit together and my refrigerated stuff together. I hate when you are trying to get to the spot to bag and the person who just checked out is checking their receipt, looking through their wallet, chatting on a cell....all the while your shit is piling up, your bread is getting mashed by 10 cans of soup. and your blood starts boiling. It's like moooove bitch, get out da' way, get out da' way! (Thanks to Ludacris) Then it's time to pay, you have like 10 options now. They always ask you if you want cash back when you are paying with debit. If I wanted cash back I'd ask!!! I love food shopping, but I hate the checkout!

Saying "No" to Sex

Ok, I have a question. Why is it that in a dating situation it is always ok for a woman to not be in the mood or "ready" for sex and can say no, but a man can't? If a man says no, the world falls off it's axis and the woman goes into panic mode. Why can a woman just say no at any time but a man can't? Is it that men are expected to be horny all the time? I know it does not happen often, but men should be allowed the same latitude. Sometimes a woman will annoy us or piss us off to the point that no matter how hot they are, you don't want to be "with" them at a particular time or moment. I think it's a double standard in society. If you say no to a woman or avoid sex even ONE time, they think you aren't attracted to them, that you are getting it someplace else, or you are gay. It's crazy. It's the same situation when you are dating, guys have the pressure on them and women call the shots. If we "make a move" too soon then the woman will think that's all we are after, if we are a gentleman and wait a while because we like and respect the woman, then they think we are not into them. Women don't realize they call the shots. They just say yes or no and we have to deal with it. So the next time you ladies bitch and moan about how tough it is to be a female, think about our point of view! :)

"Road Kill" Candy

Did you hear about this new candy Kraft is putting on the market? It's called "Road Kill Gummy Candy." It is gummy candy that looks like animals that were run over by cars. It even has the tread marks over the animal where the tire ran it over. What marketing genius thought up this idea? Can you picture this asshole in the board room rolling out this idea and everyone going, "Yeah Jimmy, that's a great idea!!!!" Did this genius wait until the night before an idea was due and just get high and think this up???? Of course animal rights groups are pissed off. They feel this sends the wrong message to kids, that it is ok to harm animals. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of all these "rights" groups and acitivist groups taking on these bullshit causes. So, a five year old that eats this stupid candy is going to get an idea to hop on his big wheel and mow down squirrels? All the kid wants is the candy, he could give a shit what it's shaped like. I am all for animal rights, but stick to the fur issue, animal testing, and shit like that, not gummy candy.

I am also tired of all these religious groups saying Sponge Bob promotes gayness, the Teletubbies are gay, analyzing every fuckin' cartoon, every song, every show. Don't these people have jobs? They seem to have way too much free time on their hands to analyze all this shit. We all knew Ernie and Bert were gay for years, nobody said shit about it.....we got beyond it. In today's world every fuckin' thing is broken down and dissected. Last year we had the 10 month issue and debate over Janet Jackson's nipple, for me, it was old news by the first commercial break. You see more on the beach! I think our country moves more backwards sometimes than forward. These religious groups, if they are so holy, should be out working to feed poor kids, get them healthcare, work on raising monies to find cures for diseases, working in the inner cities to end poverty, shit like that. Not locking themselves up in a room analyzing an episode of Sponge Bob and then holding a press conference saying it's evil. There's so much to be done, let's put aside all this petty shit and get to the real shit....unfortunately someone's always going to be "outraged" or annoyed by something and make a big issue out of it. It's called getting a life.

"The Family Feast"

One of my favorite stories is the tale of the "Family Feast." Whenever I see my friend Rich, I make him tell the story. He gets annoyed at times, but I laugh so hard each time he tells this story.

Rich was a pizza delivery boy in high school. The pizza place where he worked had a daily special called a "Family Feast." This feast included one large pizza, 12 garlic knots, a meatball parmasean hero, a 2-liter coke, and a salad for like $20.00. One day Rich was told to go to this house for a delivery of a Family Feast. He arrived at the house with the food and rang the doorbell. A few minutes later this 300lb woman answers the door and greets him. She thanks him and pays him for the food. He drives away, headed back to the restaurant. As he pulled away, he looked down on the passenger's seat of his car and realized he forgot to give the woman the salad. He drove back to her house and rang the bell to give her the salad. He rang it and rang it and nobody answered. He couldn't figure out where these people were. He walked to the side of the house and looked through the window to see if he could locate the people and get their attention. As he looked in he saw the woman that answered the door in a recliner, with the food spread out all over the coffee table in front of her. She was all alone eating this family feast. She was in a recliner, with her head cocked back, holding the hero with two hands, licking the cheese off the meatball parmasean hero. Rich finally got her attention. Rich went back to the front of the house to meet her at the front door. She came to the door with sauce all over her face and said, "Gee, I was wondering where the salad was" and thanked him for coming back. Rich was stunned that she was eating all this food by herself and drove back to the restaurant in disbelief......a classic indeed.

More Snow, More Assholes

The IQ of the average person walking(or driving) around in society amazes me. People are just plain STUPID! Whenever it rains or snows, the douche bags seem to come out in droves. This morning, my normal 40 minute ride to work was 75 minutes because of all the assholes out and about. How fuckin' hard is it to brush off your car? You have these assholes driving around with just a circle on the windshield cleared and the rest of their car covered in snow. How fucking lazy are you? Then all the snow blows up on everyone else's car and we can't see anything. They have like a foot of snow on top of their car, which includes 6 inches from the last storm. Buy a fuckin' snow brush asshole, they are only $3.00! If you don't have one or can't afford one, try a fuckin' broom at home, be creative! Then we have the SUV drivers who feel the laws of science (physics, (Sugar V) don't apply to them. They can drive 60MPH on ice and won't spin out or kill someone else. They get the douche bag of the day award! Pick up a science book asshole and read it. So, to all the douche bags that were out and about this morning, when the next storm hits, stay home and eat the milk and bread you loot from the supermarket in a frenzy the day before the storm.

Old Story, Newspaper Route

When I was young, I had a newspaper route. (Now adults do this shit from their warm cars) Anyway, each year, I'd bust my ass everyday after school, and on weekends to get these papers delivered. Rain, snow, hail, fuckin' lightning, my little ass was out pedaling my "Huffy" with the milk crate tied to the front full of Newdays. Most of the people on the route were appreciative and tipped me at the end of each week. Then you had the cheap fucks that thought I did this shit for charity and wouldn't buck up even 50 cents at the end of each week. Keep in mind, we got no "salary", we worked soley off tips. When Christmas would come most people would toss you a $10 or a $20 and thank you for your good service all year and say something nice. Again, you had the cheap fucks that wouldn't give you a nickel. So what I would do with my friends to these cheap people was this....after the Holidays when people threw their Christmas trees out for the garbage me and my friends would round them up at night. We would then bring them to all the cheap people's homes, open their storm doors and lean the trees against their wood (interior) doors. When they opened their doors the next morning the tree would come crashing in their house and they never would know who did it. "Payback's" a BEEEEEOCH! I was a little bastard when people were mean to me!

ATM Buffer Space

So what's the appropriate amount of space you should allow someone at an ATM. You know, you are waiting to use it and someone is using it. Is there a mathematical formula or proper etiquette to figure this out? I say at least 6 feet. I had a guy today that was practically breathing on my neck. It was very uncomfortable. I politely turned and asked him to step back and give me a little privacy. He looked annoyed but he did what I asked. I mean come on Mr. , you have to give me more that a foot of buffer zone! Why the hell would he think being right up against me was appropriate? Maybe he was gay and liked my ass a whole lot, I don't know....but it was freaky. Maybe the buffer zone should be the approximate height of the person using the ATM? Or just a standard 6 feet? Maybe far enough so if you mumble something bad about them they can't hear you? Ladies, you don't have to deal with this, but it's WORSE in a crowded men's room. Try peeing with a dude waiting for your urinal like 2 feet behind you, it sucks...that's why once again, I am a stall man!

"Depressed" Celebrities

I get a kick out of reading or hearing these stories about these "stars" that are "depressed" or "need a break" from everything. What the FUCK? Like a few years ago, one of the members of one of these "boy bands", I think it was the Backstreet Boys, was depressed and checked himself into some clinic. What the fuck does he have to be depressed about? The guy is rich, good looking, gets more female ass than a Macy's bathroom toilet seat on a One Day Sale day, travels the world, and he's fucking depressed? What the hell would he do if he lived my life, shoot himself? I say to all these "stars", walk in someone else's shoes for a week or two and remember what it's like. There are so many talented singers, writers, actors, etc. that never get a shot and some of these "stars" bitch and moan about stardom. Look at American Idol for instance, these kids want it so bad, they have a talent and they have such a passion for what they do. Let this "boy band" dude come sit at my desk for a week or two, drive my 1999 car, get my paycheck, deal with the wacky girls I come across, and the rest of the bullshit in the world of C-Mac, then he'll know what depression is all about! I'll switch roles with you anyday pal!!!!

Happy Ending Dessert

I listen to the radio or CD's all day at work. Lately the local radio station (one of only like 3 I can pick up in this office) has been advertising for Friendly's Restaurants. You all know Friendly's, home of awful food and pretty good ice cream. One of the "famous" things they are known for is their "happy ending" sundaes. I don't have a perverted mind by any means, but from watching TV shows on cable such as Curb Your Enthusiasm and others, they call a jerk-off at the end of a massage a "happy ending." So every time I hear "Come to Friendly's and enjoy one of our famous Happy Endings today", I can't help but crack up every time. I can picture eating a grilled cheese and a coke then being asked to "come with me" for my happy ending. I know it's stupid, but it's just one of those things I find amusing. I suppose the food wouldn't taste so bad after all and business would soar if their happy endings were the same as cable TV happy endings.

Happy Endings aside, I am hungry now......I guess all the talk of grilled cheese and ice cream got me thinking of lunch.

Life Before E-Mail/Technology

Does anyone remember the world before e-mail? What the hell did we do? We called everyone everytime we wanted to make a nonsense comment? Or did we actually write on paper, lick the stamp, and drive to the post office? I know at work e-mail is great. You can talk shit about someone in the room to someone else without them knowing, you can keep in touch with people in other areas of the building, and you can deal with people you really don't want to deal with on a screen rather than seeing their annoying face or hearing their screechy fucking voices. haha I think before e-mail we just didn't bother with little Bs stuff. I think e-mail has enabled the average moron who would normally be too scared to come out of their cube and talk to actually communicate now. I get annoyed at voice mails now at work...I'm just like type it out you lazy prick, especially when it's a fucking 20 minute voice mail explaining something. Now I have to grab a pen and write your sorry ass information down because you were too lazy or too stupid to send me an e-mail. I hate that shit! Personal e-mail is great because you keep in touch with people you may not have otherwise without e-mail. We all have our few "e-mail only" friends. Maybe occasionally you see them, but without the e-mail to hide behind, you'd never hear from them.

Now we are all "connected", even 8 year olds have phones. The only phone I had at 8 was a fuckin' Snoopy phone with a Woodstock handle. Now kids have phones and CREDIT CARDS! I saw a 12 year old girl in Target the other day paying with a credit card! What the Hell? I had the fake credit card with the fake cash register from Playskool.... that's about it! The only "real" technology I had when I was 8 was a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine, That electronic Game "Simon" that lit up and you had to repeat the colors which was a fuckin' nightmare, and a Mickey Mouse radio.

I remember life before answering machines when I was a small kid. You called someone, they didn't pick up you were shit out of luck. The answering machine started it all. Having to hunt someone down by leaving them a message. Then the beeper craze. Then the mobile car phones that were the size of a fuckin' cement block. Now everyone has cell phones. How fucking annoying is it with 95% of the population carrying phones? You are on line at the movies and the clerk is yelling "NEXT, NEXT" and some douche is yapping away on his phone tying the line up. Or the assholes driving 20MPH on the parkway bullshitting with grandma. What I don't understand is who are these people talking to at 645am? I leave the house for work and people are driving in their cars on the phone. What the fuck is so important at 645 in the morning? First of all, unless I was bleeding to death, I wouldn't call anyone at 645am. Secondly, I'd kick the ass of anyone calling me at 645am unless they were in a hospital or a jail cell. It's bad enough I am going to deal with 100 e-mails and calls at work later in the day, why the fuck would I want to start the day yapping on a phone in my car? It's all about music and NOTHING else in the morning for me.

I am a big fan of the text message. Sometimes I want to let someone know I am thinking of them or I just want to say hi without a fuckin' 4 hour conversation. Texts rock. How much does it suck to call someone back that you really don't want to talk to? You always pray for the voice mail so you can leave a message and get credit for the call back. You call at strange hours when you know they won't pick up and you leave a message. Occasionally you get fucked and they pick up and you are caught off guard because you thought the voice mail would kick in and you're like "oh, hi, how are you?"....while on the inside you are saying "Shit, why the fuck did I call now!!!!!" You can't text someone you don't want to talk to because they know you are by your phone and if they are a pain in the ass they will try calling the second the text gets to them.

Technology, so good, yet so annoying.

Sleep, Rest, and Naps

Who doesn't love sleep? There's nothing like a good, long sleep. I think we all have our little sleeping "quirks." For instance, I'm a pillow flipper. I looooove flipping that pillow anytime I wake up to get the "cool side" of the pillow. They should make plug in pillows that have a cooling element in them so the pillow is always cool. That would be awesome. I also love a comforter/blanket ALL year round. I have to have the weight of a blanket on me when I sleep. In summer, I crank the A/C to make the room about 60 degrees and still bundle up under that blanket. I have not woken to an alarm clock since High School. I automatically wake up at least 15 minutes before I have to get up every day including weekends. I don't like to be startled by a clock anyway, so I am glad I have the gift of an accurate internal clock. I never understood the snooze button that people seem to love. How can you tap it and relax and go back to sleep when you KNOW it's going to buzz again in a few minutes? I don't get it! I don't find those 20 minutes of broken sleep every 5 minutes very relaxing or refreshing! I am so weird that if I wake up within 60 minutes of having to get up, I can't fall back to sleep. I will just rest and think and usually end up getting up shortly after that. I have one of those laser clocks that point the time on the ceiling, I couldn't live without it. You just open your eyes and the time is in HUGE red numbers on the ceiling. I hated fumbling to look at the clock for a time check. I loooooove just looking up and seeing the time. i am kind of obsessed with time at night, mainly on weeknights. On weekends I could care less about the time. On weekends, unless I am out until a crazy hour the night before, I can't really sleep past 9 or so anymore. I can lay in bed until 11 watching TV and stuff, but I can't really sleep later than 9. If I wake up and it's cold and snowy or rainy out I can force myself to go back to sleep....but it is usually only for a short time.

As far as naps, I am not a huge fan, but a nap is sometimes great, especially on a rainy weekend day. I always seem to nap for 5-10 minutes and wake up thinking I've been asleep for hours. Ever have those naps? You wake up all disoriented thinking you've been asleep for a long time and it's been like 7 minutes and the same episode of "The Real World" or some stupid Saturday Afternoon show is on and you've only missed like a commercial break and maybe 2 minutes of the show. It's a weird feeling. Long "naps" usually give me a headache, so I try to avoid them.

Weeknights I am weird about sleep. I like to be in bed by 1030-11 the latest. I watch like 30 minutes of TV and then go to sleep. I am weird about anything disturbing my sleep routine on weeknights. On weekends, I'll sleep anywhere at any time(does not sound right, haha)....but during the week I like some sort of routine.

I want to hear some of your sleeping or nap "quirks."

C-Mac Product Idea

Like I had mentioned in a post back in January, I am always thinking of new ideas or improvements to existing products. I thought of a new product last week. I mentioned it on Friday Night at dinner (L-Ha was the first to know). Fragrant body sprays in different scents are huge sellers at the Bath and Body Works store and other similar stores. Women love these vanilla, cucumber melon, sweet pea, and a million other scents sprayed on them. Why don't they make fabric softener sheets (Like Bounce or Downy Dryer sheets) with some of these scents built in? This way, when you dry your clothes, they will come out smelling like your favorite scent. I'm sure it will smell real nice and it won't have a dryer sheet smell to it. I think dryer sheets smell good, but why not capture the essence of your favorite body spray fragrance right in your own dryer? Thoughts?

Showering

I think the best place to take a shower is in your own house. Not only for the comfort and familiarity, but for the hot and cold water knob calibration knowledge. At your own house, you know exactly how far, even if it's one millimeter, you need to adjust that knob if you want your water hotter or cooler. When you are at a friend's house or at a hotel you are all disoriented when it comes to the water temperature calibration. In some places you move the knob less than a millimeter and it raises the water temperature like 100 degrees. In some places you move that knob like halfway around and the water does not change temperature. It sucks when you have to get familiar with this process while you are already under the water. You find yourself jumping all over the shower when you are adjusting the temperature at an unfamiliar place because you want to avoid the stream of water in case that slight of hand turns the water boiling or freezing. Also, at home, you are used to a certain water pressure. You go to some places and it like trickles, at other places, you get to power wash your ass!

What's the deal with the hotel soaps? Can they get any smaller? I throw soap out when it gets that small!!! If the soap is like smaller than the palm of my hand, it gets tossed. Nothing like a fresh, full sized bar...and a TON of shower gels.....I have about nine bottles of it in my shower....all different scents. It's quite refreshing. Nothing like a shower at home, full of variety and a familiar hot and cold water knob.

Pizza and Soda

Pizza and soda, what a combination. The meal of champions. Why is it that when I go to a pizza place to eat, I always get full on just 2 slices but when I order a pie and bring it home or have it delivered I can eat 4 or 5 slices? Is it that the pizza is freshly made when you order a full pie and it tastes better? Is it that the dough is soft on a fresh pie and it's easier to eat than a reheated slice you get at the pizza place? I often wondered why I can eat so much more when I bring it home.

With soda, why is it that when you drink soda from a can, it lasts forever? It takes a long time to hit bottom on that can, but if you pour your can of soda in a cup, you drink it fast and usually need more. I wonder what that phenomenon is called. Maybe it's because the soda that's still in the can contains more carbonation and you drink it slower? Maybe it's all mental, the fact that you can't actually see the soda?

No matter the reason for either, pizza and soda will always be on my training table.

Played Out Lines

Everyone has heard them. Everyone has probably said them too. What I'm referring to are the lines used in a relationship or at the end of a relationship, you know them, the played out bullshit ones. Here are some of my favorites:

"I need some space" This is the nice way to tell someone you don't want them around anymore, to stop coming by, calling, writing, or even breathing. Once the "space" line is given, it's pretty much over.

"I need some time" This is similar to the "I need some space" line but this one means you better buy a new watch battery. It also means you'll be waiting forever for whatever it is they need this time for. Once this line is given, go out, get drunk, and bang someone else to ease the pain.

"It's not you it's me" This is a great way to get rid of someone by making them think you are the fucked up one.

"Let's still be friends" This means they look at you or you look at them (if you are saying it) like a relative and you don't turn them on anymore. It's also the nice way of telling someone they suck in bed.

"You'll always have a special place in my heart" This is the nice way of telling someone that they have permanently scarred you and fucked you up.

"You're too good for me" This is someone's way of telling you they are fucked up and will most likely dick you over. It's kind of a warning signal to start running.

"I don't deserve you" This is the same as you're too good for me, only this is said when someone has done bad shit behind your back that you don't know about and they are feeling really guilty about it.

I'd love to hear some of your favorites............

Lending People Money

I believe in helping friends, family, or co-workers any way I can. Sometimes people ask you to spot them a few bucks. I think it's great when you can help a friend in need. Once I lend someone money, I am not the type to ask or remind someone to pay it back. I feel it is up to them to pay me back when they can. But what I hate is when you lend someone say $50.00 and it's been like two months and they never mention it again but they'll say, "Oh, I just bought the Back to the Future trilogy on DVD, what a sale, it was only $40.00." Or they brag about something else they just bought, all the while they still owe you money. That irritates me. Like if I borrowed $50.00 from someone and I have not payed them back for whatever reason, I'm not going to brag about shit I bought. I am going to keep pretending I am busted until I pay them back. I strongly believe that when you do a good deed for someone, you never bring it up or throw it in their face because it takes away from the deed, but it does piss me off when people only think of themselves and have no shame whatsoever. Then there are the people who borrow and just avoid you until they muster up the cash to pay you back, like they are ashamed or something. People are wacky I tell you.

President's Day

A nice three day weekend approaches as we celebrate yet another President's Day. It's funny, but when we think of former Presidents we always think of the same names. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, and Reagan are some of the big ones that come to mind. How about Millard Fillmore (1850-53), we never hear anything about him. Or perhaps James Knox Polk (1845-49). Personally, I am a huge Chester A Arthur fan (1881-85). It's amazing how some leaders leave their mark for centuries and others are forgotten. Some are remembered for great accomplishments, some for shameful acts. Some are remembered for the impact they had on the lives of others, some for their selfish deeds.

I suppose that's true for all of us. If we were to tragically perish today, have we left our mark on those around us? Have we really left something behind for our loved ones to learn and grow from? Can we rest each night knowing we give our best to our friends, family, lovers, co-workers, or even strangers that we come across daily? Making an impact on others has always been something very important to me. I managed a few businesses over the years and making an impact on my employees' lives on a daily basis was so important to me. In my personal life, making an impact on those close to me is important as well. I often wonder how I am remembered by those I don't speak to or see anymore. I like to think I am looked upon in a positive light for the most part. There are always going to be people in life that you can't reach or those that you just don't get along with, that's normal. I am talking about the people we have all had some sort of relationship with, whether it be personal or professional. I think the things we do daily without even knowing it make an impact on others, both positively and negatively. For instance, the janitor that comes around and empties the garbage in my office two or three times a day I always thank and strike up a simple conversation with. I'm sure many people don't do that and he may feel insignificant about his job. After all, he is part of the team here and he should feel like a part of it. Or smiling and saying hi to someone you pass while you are out jogging or on line at the market. All these little things add a spark to someone's day. I think we should all take a step back once in a while and take stock in what we are all throwing out there to others. We should evaluate it every so often to ensure we are giving our all and making that positive impact on other people's lives and our own. Unlike the Presidents and their history that is carved in stone, we are all alive and well and we get a fresh chance each day to continue or start making a great impact on those around us. So, on this Presidents day, when you are home enjoying the extra day off, take a minute and think about how you are remembered by those that have come in and out of your life and how you'll be remembered by those currently in your life.

Consumer Complaints

Ever have an issue with service or the quality of a product or food and make someone who represents the company that screwed up aware of it? I find some of the remedies they offer amusing. "Excuse me, there's a foot long hair in my salad" you tell the waiter. He runs and gets the manager. When you tell the manager what happened he offers to not charge you for the hairy salad, offers you another hairy salad, or offers you a gift certificate to come back for a hairy salad at a later time. How many chances at a hair free salad do you give a restaurant before you cut them loose? Almost every product you purchase in the supermarket comes with a "questions or comments" phone number to call to comment or complain about the product. Same thing happens here, you tell them that their Rice A Roni tastes like crap and they send you coupons for MORE Rice A Roni. I wonder if anyone calls up just to make a comment. "Green Giant, may I help you?".....the consumer says, "MMMMMMMMM these peas are bursting with country fresh flavor, just thought you'd like to know." How many people call up to compliment the products on those 800 numbers? I'm sure it's mostly bogus complaints to get free shit from them.

I think the remedies should be different for poor food or product quality. Perhaps a rub down from the hottest waitress on duty the night of the hairy salad. (Or the hottest waiter if you are a woman or gay) How about $100 cash for every fly in your soup? How about a special "apology" song rather than the cheesy birthday songs they sing at tables? How about open bar for 2 hours, all you can drink to make up for the cold steak? I want their apology to mean something!

The Free Lawnmower

Another one of my favorite phone scams was the "free lawnmower" call. My brother and I called the neighbor across the street from our house. We told him we were from Sears at the local mall. We told him that we had conducted a raffle for a brand new Sears Craftsman lawnmower. He claimed he did not enter any raffle and seemed a little reluctant to claim his prize. We assured him it was legit and that we had taken the names of all our Sears charge customers and did various "Customer Appreciation" raffles. He said, ok, "What's the Catch." I said, well there is a catch. All you have to do is trade in your old lawnmower and we'll upgrade you to a brand new Sears Craftsman. He started laughing and said, "You can have my old mower, it's 10 years old, now what do I do to get my new mower?" We told him to bring his old lawnmower and 2 forms of ID to the local Sears to claim his prize within the next 4 hours. About 20 minutes after we hung up with him, the neighbor and his son were hoisting the old mower on top of their station wagon and tying it down. They drove off with the mower tied to the car's roof and headed for Sears. About 40 minutes later, they came back, visibly angry, with the SAME old mower tied to their car. They untied it, threw it in the garage, slammed the garage door, and went inside. A classic indeed.

1988 Free Turkey Scam

Back in the 80's when I was a kid and into the very early 90's my friends and I were the kings of prank phone calls and practical jokes. I actually still have over two hours of some of these calls on tape which are hilarious. Many of my friends and co-workers over the years have heard these tapes and thought they were a riot. I was doing these tapes long before "The Jerky Boys" and many other phone scam artists. I have so many favorites. One of them is this crazy prank we played on a butcher shop two days before Thanksgiving in 1988. This butcher shop would always put a HUGE weekly ad in the local papers advertising their shop. So one day around 3pm my brother and I got a crazy idea. I picked up the phone and dialed the butcher shop. A guy answered by saying "ABC(fictional name) Meats, Craig speaking may I help you." I hung up, all I wanted was a person's name that worked there. My brother and I then proceeded to call approximately 75 homes in the vicinity of the butcher shop that we found in the white pages. We told each person that we were Craig from ABC Meats and that they had won a free 25lb Thanksgiving turkey in a raffle that we had conducted by taking local names out of the phone book. Almost every person we called was so excited that they had won a turkey and asked how to claim their prize. I told them to simply come down to the shop with ID and claim their turkey. Well, after about 75 calls, we decided to call ABC Meats to see what was going on. A very winded Craig answered the phone "ABC MEATS, may I help you." In the background you heard people yelling and screaming, the other phone lines ringing off the hook. I said to Craig, "Hi Craig, I am calling to verify that I won a free 25lb turkey", he said "Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on, I have about 30 people in here asking for free turkeys, the phone is ringing off the hook with people confirming winning a turkey, I'M NOT GIVING AWAY ANY GOD DAMN TURKEYS!!!!!!!" and he hung up. Poor Bastard.......that is one of my favorites...I'll share more with you over time.

Pumping Gas

Unfortunately, it's something we all need to do....gas up our cars. I was filling my tank last night after work (which by the way now costs an arm and a few toes from my right foot) and I came across the situation at the pump which I despise. Why does the last 20 cents of fuel take longer to pump than the previous 20 dollars? Those last few cents take forever! WHY???? It pisses me off when it's cold or windy and you are standing out there waiting 10 minutes for the pump to go from $19.80 to $20.00!!!!! It's not too nice in summer either when you are sweating your ass off at the pump. Sometimes you go to a gas station where the entire pumping process is slow. Like you can count with the pump EVERY penny from $0.01 to whatever you are putting in the tank. I need to come up with gas pumping activities to pass the time. Would people think I am insane if I jogged in place or did jumping jacks? Maybe I can crank up the tunes and do a little dance. There has to be something to do to make the self serve process more fun.........I guess it still beats letting the gas dude pump it for you for $3.00 a gallon.

McDonald's Characters

What exactly was Grimace? He was a big blob of purple crap. Was he a monster? Was he human? What the HELL was he? Then you had the Hamburglar. He was a thief with a mask on that stole hamburgers. Does anyone know if he stole cheeseburgers too? Then you had Mayor McCheese. The Democrats may want to turn to him to rebuild the party in 2008. Then there was Big Mac. He was the dude with the Big Mac head. I'm pretty sure he was responsible for keeping law and order in McDonaldland and hunting down the Hamburglar. Then there is Birdie the Early Bird. I think it's a she dressed in a pink jumpsuit and flight cap and scarf. Not sure what her role was other than to promote breakfast I suppose. Then there were the Fry Kids. They are differently, colored shaggy ball-like creatures with long legs and no arms. Their only facial feature are bublous eyes. They used to steal the other character's fries. Then of course Ronald himself. I always felt uncomfortable around Ronald....even if I only ever saw him on TV. He has molester written all over that painted face. His hand on a shake the other......well you know. Am I forgetting any of these misfits?

Wacky Song

Ok, I think I have a nominee for the WORST love song of all time. I heard this song over the weekend, it's sung by the group Heart. It's called "All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You" and it was a top 10 hit in 1990. The title sounds good, but check out these lyrics, verse by verse, along with my sarcasm of course:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight,
standing by the road,
no umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside
and I offered him a ride.
He accepted with a smile,
so we drove for a while.
I didn't ask him his name,
this lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me it's right,
is this love at first sight?
Please don't make it wrong,
just stay for the night.

Ok, so in verse one, this woman picks up a hitchhiker on a rainy night. A hitch hiker in the rain with no coat, that is. Like all hitch hikers, he was polite and appreciative. So, they just drove as she wondered if this was love at first sight........

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
So we found this hotel,
it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke
all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there

Ok, so in verse two, they go to a seedy hotel, a place this very prim and proper woman knows very well. She bangs the hitch hiker all night. She then leaves him there with a note basically telling him she used him for his "seed" and for him never to look for her.

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
Then it happened one day,
we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
when he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too

Ok, so nine months or so passes and she happens to run into this hitch hiker again(which is a common occurence) and he sees his eyes in her baby and realizes he knocked her up on that rainy night of hitch hiker/driver loving. Then she proceeds to tell the nice hitch hiker to understand that she's in love with another man and that because he shoots blanks, she felt the need to get knocked up by another man. (Ever hear of adoption????) I find this song so romantic. There really is nothing like a driver/hitch hiker bond. How does she explain to the man she's with who shoots blanks that she's pregnant? Hmmmmm....too much wacky stuff in this song for me. I can't believe this was a top 10 hit!

2005 MLB Predictions

After reading Molly's "Baseball Fever" post on Random Rants and with pitchers and catchers reporting tomorrow, it's time for C-Mac's 2005 MLB Predictions:

AL EAST

YANKEES 102 60
ORIOLES 88 74
RED SOX 86 76
DEVIL RAYS 80 82
BLUE JAYS 69 93

AL CENTRAL

TWINS 91 71
INDIANS 85 77
TIGERS 82 82
WHITE SOX 75 87
ROYALS 66 96

AL WEST

MARINERS 92 70
ANGELS 90 72
RANGERS 85 77
A'S 72 90

NL EAST

BRAVES 101 61
METS 84 78
MARLINS 83 79
PHILLIES 71 91
NATIONALS 64 98

NL CENTRAL

CARDINALS 97 65
REDS 88 74
ASTROS 81 81
CUBS 75 87
BREWERS 71 91
PIRATES 55 107

NL WEST

DODGERS 102 60
PADRES 91 71
GIANTS 84 78
ARIZONA 79 83
ROCKIES 65 97

AL WILD CARD WINNER: ANGELS
NL WILD CARD WINNER: PADRES
ALCS: YANKEES BEAT ANGELS IN 6
NLCS: DODGERS BEAT BRAVES IN 7
WORLD SERIES: YANKEES BEAT DODGERS IN 6

Cheating

It's amazing how people's opinions on cheating vary. The definition of "cheating" depends upon who you ask. Some people think it's a male-female thing, that a guy's opinion of cheating is different than that of a girl's. I disagree there. I think it depends not only on a person's conscience, but on their moral fiber. Some people think cheating on someone means that you have to have sex with someone else, kiss someone else, etc. Then there is debate over whether or not an "on-line" affair is cheating or not. I think people rationalize things to suit their situation for the most part.

I think cheating is taking action on something that you wouldn't be able to either do in front of your partner or something you do that you couldn't tell your partner. For instance, just going on a "date" behind someone's back is cheating whether something physical happens or not if you can't tell your partner about the "date." This "on-line" chatting isn't cheating unless it gets sexual and overly flirtatious, then it's crossing the line. I don't think having a "thought" about someone else is bad unless you either act upon it or your heart really wants to be with the other person. If you think about someone else too much or you yearn to be with them, then that's really not being honest with the person you are "with." I suppose being emotionally attached to someone else beyond the realm of something normal or healthy is cheating because you might be with your current partner physically, but mentally and emotionally you are with someone else. When you are with someone you "love" there should be no other person at that moment you'd rather be with, or what's the point? If you are thinking about being somewhere else or with someone else, then go! Innocent flirting or occasionally "checking out" someone attractive is normal for everyone as long as it's done tastefully and not done with disrespect to your partner.

What's your opinion on cheating???

Before and After Photos-Weight Loss

I love these weight loss commercials with these "before and after" photos of people who have dramatically lost weight. Is it me or is this total bullshit? If you look close at the pictures, the "before" picture always shows a person with unbrushed hair, no makeup, in a skimpy outfit to make them look even fatter, and a sad look on their face. The "after" photo always shows them smiling, in trendy (loose fitting) clothes, fully made up, hair brushed, and stomach sucked in. Then they give their testimonials. You definitely need some tears and some bullshit story of how these miracle pills changed your life. "I still eat $50.00 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting, but thanks to these miracle pills, I've lost 75lbs." Then you have some cheesy motivational "trainer" telling you to pick up the phone and call NOW. "While Supplies Last." I always like that line, while supplies last...like the phones are ringing off the hook. Or, "If you call in the next 10 minutes, we'll deduct a payment." That commercial runs all day on 6 channels, who are they fooling about calling in the next 10 minutes? Any commercial that claims you'll lose weight without diet or exercise is full of it!

Teacher-Student Sex, Another Case in the News

I was just reading about this 27 year old (VERY HOT) married teacher in Tennessee who had sex with a 13 year old student. This is followed by Debra LaFave, another (VERY HOT) 20-something year old married teacher in Florida who had sex with a 14 year old student a few months back and of course the Mary Kay Letourneau case a few years back.

Let me preface this post by saying I think any adult having sex or sexual contact with a minor is insane and wrong. On that note though, where the hell were all these hot teachers when I was in Junior High and High School? Most of the teachers in my schools were half dead. There was maybe one hot teacher for every 50 nasty-ass ones. If I'm 15 and a hot teacher is putting the moves on me, I'm not telling a soul! It would definitely be my little secret. Why are these kids bragging about it to their friends? The art of it is to brag at the 10 year reunion, not when you are getting some when you can risk the chance of getting caught! (I am just being silly here!)

On a serious note, why is it that these female teachers that have sex with young male students are glamourized in the press but when a man does it to a female student he is massacred in the media? Isn't it the SAME crime? Is it that a man teacher doing it to a female student is more common? Either way it's wrong and will probably mess a kid up for a long long time.

Valentine's Day

Ok, so here's my position on Valentine's Day, it's a load of crap. Love for someone should be celebrated each day. If you are truly in love with someone, it will be demonstrated on a daily basis with kind words, thoughts, and gestures. Valentine's Day is just another excuse for Hallmark and retailers to make a buck, a very important 1st quarter buck.

There are men who treat their women like shit all year round and then run out and get a card, candy, and flowers on February 14th. It's a bunch of nonsense. Like the dude sitting in his recliner, with his spaghetti stained wife beater T-shirt on, yelling "Bitch, get me a beer" the other 364 days of the year, but he's suddenly such a nice guy because he gets you flowers on a February day. Or the woman who's banging the cable guy while her husband is at work....I'm sure that Valentine's Day card will make all the difference in your relationship.

Here are my words of wisdom:

If you really love someone show them daily
Don't take someone you love for granted
Do nice things on days that society and retailers don't tell you to do them
I know it's cheesy, but HONESTY is the root of any healthy relationship
Communicate, even over petty things
In addition to romance, be "friends" with your partner
Learn new things from each other and be open to new experiences
Bring out the BEST in each other
Help each other reach your goals and dreams

Make it "Valentine's Day" all year round.

Weekly Report: C-Mac Spring Training

What I thought was going to turn into a horrible week because of the Superbowl eating, turned out to be a good week. Last week I lost 2.5lbs, this week another 1.5lbs. A total of 4lbs in 2 weeks! So I am 4lbs down 10lbs to go by March 25th. I am well on my way to mid-summer form. I weighed in at an even 200 this morning. Being 6' tall, and having a big frame, that is actually good, but I want another 10lbs off. I have the 4-mile "Snowflake" run in town tomorrow morning at 11. I am looking forward to it. Hopefully it won't be as windy as it has been down by the ocean. I am hoping to finish it in under 36:00. Normally, I would shoot for about 33:00, but it's the middle of winter and I'm still a bit sluggish. Sunday is supposed to be nice for another run....I'm excited about the next few weeks.

Whats in a Word?

I was reading an article about a doctor that fondled a patient and got arrested for it. I always wondered if the word "fondle" derives from the word "fond." Like if you are fond of someone you will fondle them. I guess we'll ask Michael Jackson. Or how about YOGA and YOGURT? Perhaps anything that starts withYOG is something healthy. I went to yoga class, then I had some yogurt. Yoga, yogurt, perhaps.

2005 Grammy Award Predictions

The 2005 Grammy Awards will be handed out this Sunday Night. Here are some of my predictions on who will win: (I'm predicting a HUGE night for Usher and Kanye West)

RECORD OF THE YEAR
"Yeah!" Usher featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Confessions, Usher
SONG OF THE YEAR
"If I Ain't Got You," Alicia Keys
BEST NEW ARTIST
Kanye West
BEST FEMALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"The First Cut Is The Deepest," Sheryl Crow
BEST MALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"Cinnamon Girl," Prince
BEST ROCK SONG
"American Idiot," Green Day
BEST ROCK ALBUM
The Reason, Hoobastank
BEST FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"If I Ain't Got You," Alicia Keys
BEST MALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"Burn," Usher
BEST R&B SONG
Yeah!, Usher featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris
BEST RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE
"Just Lose It," Eminem
BEST RAP SONG
"Jesus Walks," Kanye West
BEST RAP ALBUM
The College Dropout, Kanye West

Cereal Mascots

What's up with these cereal mascots? Many of them have been around for years and years. Most of them have serious issues. Cap'n Crunch has his eyebrows on his hat. Ever notice that? White eyebrows on his big-ass blue hat. The Lucky Charms dude looks like Satan's child or a child molester at best. The Trix Rabbit, well we covered him a month or so ago on here. The dude cross-dresses for a bowl of cereal. He'd actually do anything for a bowl. He's like a crack-hoe for cereal. Tony the Tiger has a serious speech impediment. They're Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat my ass. Get some phonics Cd's. Then there's Toucan Sam. Follow my nose he says. He is useless. Flying around promoting Froot Loops in some enchanted forest. Snap, Crackle, and Pop, very homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). They are not fooling anyone. They should just come out of the closet, I mean the box already. Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and BooBerry....not scaring anyone. That Sugar Snaps bear was pretty cool. I forget his name. He was somewhat normal. What about that VERY gay honey nut Cheerios bee? Talk about a flame. I'd love to spray his ass with a big can of Raid. There are so many, who am I forgetting?

Out of Date Fashions

What is wrong with people? I actually saw a man in a Members Only jacket yesterday at the gas station. MEMBERS ONLY!!!!! He is definitely the LAST remaining member of that club. Why can't people part with things that are out of style? Ok, maybe you can keep them tucked away in a box, but to wear a Members Only jacket in 2005 is insanity. What's next, a woman in the supermarket in a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt? I am well aware that certain things make a "comeback" and get back into style, but Members Only is something that will never return. Nor will parachute pants, neon, HUGE shirts with belts, and velcro sneakers. What about the men/women that refuse to update their hair style? They still have the 1985 feathered hair or some other way out of style cut. Don't these people have friends to inform them that maybe they should "update?" Or maybe their friends still have the same cut too. After seeing that Members only jacket yesterday, I went home and looked for my Rubix cube.

Expiration Dates

Expiration dates....now there's a topic I am obsessed with. Some people pay little or no attention to expiration dates on food, but I have an obsessive and strict refrigerator and food expiration policy. It is as follows:

Cold Cuts: Only good for 2 days after purchase, then they get tossed.
Milk: Milk gets tossed three days before the expiration date posted on carton.
Leftovers: Only good for a maximum of 36-48 hours after cooking the food.
Eggs: I don't eat them within 3 days before the expiration date posted on carton.
Cream Cheese/Butter: Gets discarded 7 days before date posted.
Salad Dressings/Mayonaise: Gets tossed 3 weeks-1 month before posted date.
Orange Juice: Gets tossed 4-7 days before posted date.
Potato Chips/Snacks: I'll eat up until about 3 days before expiration.
Soda: I'll drink up until about a week before the posted date.

Many times I'll buy and use fresh stuff even though I already have it at home and it is well within the expiration date windows I have set. It's kind of a compulsion. At any given time I can have 4 or 5 of the same salad dressings open in the fridge because I hate eating things that are already open. I always want a fresh bottle. I do the same with cream cheese, sour cream, milk, and other dairy products. I always want "new", not one that's already open. Pretty bad huh?

What's your expiration date policy?

Social Misfits

Have you noticed the amount of socially inadequate people there are walking around? I'm talking about people who don't even possess the very basic social skills. I notice it especially in the office. You walk by someone, look them right in the eye, and say a nice hello and smile, and they just walk by. It is that fucking difficult to smile and say hello? Whether you know someone well or not, does it hurt to make an effort? I like the ladies I hold doors for at supermarkets, or public places. I go out of my way to wait and hold the door and I don't even get a thank you a good portion of the time! How rude is that? Or you let someone get in front of you on the road, I expect the "thank you wave." It is that hard to stick up your hand? Or you get to the checkout at the store and you try making small talk with the cashier just to make their day a little brighter and they have a major attitude. Basic social skills are all I ask people to demostrate. It's the places that you don't want to talk that people want to bullshit with you. The gym. The gym is a personal and private time, not a social gathering. Yet, people dress up, wear makeup, and work the room like it's Studio 54. Or the public restroom, sorry I'm not George Michael, I want nothing social in the bathroom. In and out, that's the way to go.

News Phrases

I was watching a bit of local news last night. It seems as though all these stations use the same stupid phrases in every broadcast. For instance, John Smith is armed and considered dangerous. Doesn't armed say it all? I'd like to meet someone armed and safe for a change. Do they really need to say "and dangerous" after saying someone is armed? I always liked this one, Jane Doe was an "innocent bystander." Why do we always have to use innocent before the word bystander? Dooesn't the word bystander already tell us the person was "standing by" and not involved with whatever was going on? They always have to throw the "innocent" in there for some reason. Have you ever met a guilty bystander?

Expressions

There are certain expressions or phrases that really make no sense to me. For instance, if someone is in a bad mood in the morning, people say, "You woke up on the wrong side of the bed." What the hell does that mean? What if one side of your bed is against the wall? How is it possible then? What does getting out of bed on a certain side have to do with your mood? Then there is "It's raining cats and dogs." I'm still trying to figure that one out. Is it that the rain is coming down so fast it looks like dogs are chasing cats? Speaking of cats, then there is the expression, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." What are we working in a Chinese restaurant? Who skins cats? Or how about "Don't beat a dead horse" or "Let dead dogs lie." Why all these references to dead animals or the killing of animals? "Kill two birds with one stone" is another violent animal reference. Who sat and thought of all these? "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth", what the hell? "Don't have a cow" is another animal reference. Who's popping out a cow? Then there is "Wait until the cows come home", another cow reference.

Here are few of my favorite funny expressions:
"You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit no matter how much mayonaise you use"
"If my Aunt had a dick, she'd be my Uncle"
"If my dog had a square ass and ate mud, he'd shit bricks"

I'd enjoy some of your favorites..............

The Butter Knife

Was it just in my dysfunctional family or did everyone's family use a butter knife as a tool? I can remember how vital the butter knife was in keeping our house together, literally. Keep in mind, we had about a dozen tool boxes in our shed FILLED with tools, yet the butter knife was the tool of choice. My Mom would put everything together with a butter knife. I am talking swing sets, barbeque grills, furniture, bicycles and all kinds of toys. She would never really read the instructions, she'd just have the cigarette in her mouth burning down to the filter with a 6" ash hanging off of it, parts to what she was building spread out all over the ground, and she'd yell, "GET ME A BUTTER KNIFE!!!!!!" She'd sit on the ground all frustrated with that cigarette hanging out of her mouth cursing until she put it together with that handy dandy butter knife. It didn't matter if it was a regular or phillips screw, the butter knife was used. Did anyone else experience the legend of the butter knife?

And just who was Philips, the guy the screw head was named after anyway?

No Feel Tuesday

Tuesday is really the only day of the week that has no "feel" to it. Like when we get up on Monday, it has a feel, an I can't believe the weekend is over feel, back to work/school feel. Wednesday has that "hump day" feel, like you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thursday has a feel, you know tomorrow is Friday and that the week is over. You maybe stay up a bit later on Thursday Night. Friday has a feel, that goes without saying. Saturday and Sunday also have a certain feel to them. Tuesday has no real identity. What's unique about Tuesday? It's just a blah day.

"Fear Factor Diet"

We have the Atkins, the South Beach, Weight Watchers, and about a million other diets out there. I thought of a terrific one last night, the "Fear Factor Diet." There was nothing on last night so I decided to watch "Fear Factor" at 8pm. I've seen it before, but last night was absolutely gross. These couples had to eat like 6lbs of bugs, brains, intestine, you name it. I was hungry for snacks before I put it on, after about 3 minutes of watching that I had no appetite at all. That got me thinking.....NBC should patent a Fear Factor Diet plan. Anytime you are hungry and ready to binge you pop in a dvd or vhs tape of these people eating and gagging on all this nasty stuff and you won't want to eat. I am 100% certain this would work. These couples were eating all this stuff for a 2 week trip to Belize, BELIZE!!!!! I wouldn't eat that stuff for a trip around the world! How do these people not get violently sick from eating this stuff? There has to be tons of bacteria in these animal and bug parts. Next time you are trying to lose weight, turn on Fear Factor, you won't eat the rest of the night.

"Monday" Songs

It's so tough getting up and getting started on Mondays. I think Monday is everyone's least favorite day of the week. I was thinking of songs this morning that are about Mondays. Here's what I came up with:

"Manic Monday" by the Bangles
"Monday, Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas
"Rainy Days and Mondays" by the Carpenters
"I Don't Like Mondays" by the Boomtown Rats
"Come Monday" by Jimmy Buffet
"Home on Monday" by the Little River Band
"Blue Monday" by New Order
"Here's Monday" by Bonnie Tyler
"Stormy Monday" by Eric Clapton

Hmmmmmmmm, I think I am out of Monday songs, any I missed that you may know?

"The Middle of the Night"

Why do people always say they woke up to a noise in "the middle of the night", got up to get a drink of water in "the middle of the night", or got up to go to the bathroom in "the middle of the night?" Why is "the middle of the night" always emphasized? Do people calculate? Well, I went to bed at 10pm, got up at 6am.......so that bathroom visit would HAVE to be at 2am to make it truly the "middle of the night." Why not just say I got up during the night? I heard a noise at "some point" last night. Do people choose the "middle of the night" to show they were in a deep sleep, like the exact middle of their rest? Actually our deepest sleep comes toward the end of our sleep. I heard that on one of those 20/20 type shows once. Does the person they are telling the story to care if they heard gun fire in the middle of the night or early in the night? The good part is the gun shot part, not the time of the shots. Did you hear screams, did the police come? Not, what exact point in your sleep did these shots occur? People want the nuts and bolts to the story, not the frivolous details.

Menu Writers

Just when you thought Greeting card writers were the absolute worst and cheesiest, come restaurant menu writers. Where do they come up with some of the nonsense in those food descriptions. I was at Applebee's on Wednesday Night for dinner and we were reading the dessert menu and just laughing. I actually stole the menu so I could comment on these:

Maple Butter Blondie: "Say hello to the eighth wonder of the world! Your blondie is baked with pecans and topped with a scoop of ice cream and chopped walnuts. Served warm and covered at your table, with rich, sizzling maple butter sauce. And you thought the pyramids were breathtaking." Now the real deal...I ordered this. Eighth wonder of the world? It's a fucking dessert!!!!! There was no sizzling, no ooohs and aaaaahs, and no tourist photos. It was a fucking brownie with ice cream on it with a small cup of maple whatever it was that looked like a cup of mayo. I heard no sizzling and saw nothing that resembled a wonder of the world.

Triple Chocolate Meltdown: "This rich and magnificently moist chocolate cake is topped with both dark and white chocolate. It's fudge filled center will erupt upon first bite, richly rolling into vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate fudge." Now the real deal, K-FO got this. There was no eruption, no Mt. Saint Helens activity. It was a piece of fucking cake! They make it sound like an orgasm, erupting at first bite. What the hell? Just say it's a piece of cake! I am surprised the chocolate and vanilla weren't emphasized more for "racial harmony." They could have made it a unity of the races dessert.

I think menu BS is more annoying than greeting card BS. The meal always sounds great until you order it. Then there's no cake being "hugged" by 2 scoops of ice cream. No Dairy fresh flavor. No country fresh goodness. Not like Grandma used to make. It's annoying.

Superbowl Predictions

Well, I have been wrong in predicting almost every NFL playoff game this year because I predicted with my heart rather than with my mind. Today that changes. Although I am pulling for Philadelphia to win it, I am predicting a Patriots win.

C-Mac's Prediction

New England 26
Philadelphia 17

Three out of four ain't bad, (superbowls in the last 4 years) that is for the New England crew. Sorry to Meatloaf for the choice of words. Hope everyone enjoys the game!

C-MAC Spring Training Update

Ok, so this morning at 6:20 was weigh in. I am pleased to say, despite a slight Wednesday night binge at Applebee's, I lost 2.5lbs. I started the week at an even 204.0lbs and I weighed in this morning at a nice 201.5lbs. I attribute the nice loss this week to tons of water, veggies, fruit, and exercise. Ok, so 2.5 down and 11.5 to go! I am well on my way. Highs in the upper 40's this weekend should help even more, as I plan on some hard core boardwalk running! Next update on the progress will be next Friday........

Christmas in July

Back in 2003 the house next door to the house I lived in was demolished to the ground and rebuilt. This process took more than a year. During that year it was an around the clock construction HELL. Town ordinance stated the workers could only work between 9am and 6pm, yet they would start at about 630AM every morning, and yes, on weekends too. It was a nightmare. One particular morning at 7AM, my doorbell rang. I woke from bed and answered the door, it was one of the construction workers who said, "The cement trucks are coming to pour today, so unless you want concrete on your car, I suggest you move it out of your driveway." Nice and polite huh? I moved the car and as I walked up the driveway to go back in the house, the 6 months of hell (to that point) finally caught up with me. I started yelling at the foreman about the rudeness of him and his crew. He said, "Shut up or I'll make your life even more miserable." I said, "I'll make your lives a living hell." He was like, "How are you going to do that?" I said nothing and went in the house. Keep in mind this was a 90 degree July day. I proceeded to put these stereo speakers I had in my room (which faced the construction zone) in the window. I then loaded a chipmunks Christmas CD in the CD changer. I programmed it to repeat the "Hula Hoop" song. I then turned the volume up on the stereo to the max, left my room and went about my day. That song played for 9 straight hours at top volume. Needless to say, the workers never bothered me again..........

DVD vs. VHS PORN

The Sugar V and I just had a quick chat about the developments in porn watching since the DVD. I seriously don't have any kind of porn collection. I may have like 2 VHS tapes and 2 DVDs that I borrowed from friends and never returned. I must say, the convenience of DVD as opposed to VHS when you need to "take care of businees" is amazing. The old way you were taking care of business with one hand and aiming the remote with the other fast forwarding or rewinding to the scene you wanted. It's funny seeing people bang at fast forward speed though. I always crack up. The tracking would get bad after a while and the picture would be jumping and you'd try to see what's going on in some kind of detail. Now, the clarity and the hands free option of the DVD is amazing. You pick the scene and spank away. Your hands are where they belong when the porn is on. No more fuss, no more mess.

I never had a porn collection because I was scared of dying tragically in a car accident and my Mom would be summoned to my house to gather all my belongings and stumble across the collection. There should be a spot on your driver's license for "first responder." This is a friend you put down who is first to be notified of your demise and who's job it is to go to your home and clean out the porn stash before family is notified of your death. I can see me laying on the side of the Southern State Parkway, bleeding to death, saying "get the porn!" Nice last words huh?

New Invention

I am always thinking of new inventions or new ideas that build on an existing product and I never do anything about it. Then like a year later I see it on the market and I get pissed off. I was thinking, why don't they make caramel oreos? Oreo cookie with a caramel flavored creme? Or peanut butter Oreos? They make half peanut butter half chocolate creme Oreos, but not full peanut butter ones. They should make Hershey's Kisses with peanut butter in them. Or a mixed bag with some peanut butter, some jelly inside them. Ok, enough peanut butter ideas, I don't mean to sound like George Washington Carver. How about soft pretzels with the mustard baked in the crust....like when you bite it you have your mustard already inside. Will save a big mess at baseball games and other sporting events. How come they don't make grape pie? Grape soda, grape juice, grape gum, grape candy, but no grape pie. Never caught on as a pie filling.......

Groundhog Day

Well, another Groundhog Day is upon us. Last I heard, he did not see any shadows so spring is around the corner. I wish it was that easy! Now, do we go by what the official groundhog does in PA, or do we go by a local groundhog? I wouldn't trust a Bronx groundhog, he hears a gunshot he may run back in and hide, so we'd never know how accurate he is. I haven't seen too many groundhogs hanging out in Long Beach, guess they don't like the salty air.

I was hoping I'd have like 100 chances at the perfect day today like Bill Murray did in the movie Groundhog Day. Wouldn't that be awesome? Coreect your mistakes, tell people off, do crazy and reckless things, eat whatever you want, and know it would all be forgotten "tomorrow." I think I'd try robbing a bank, just to see what it's like. I'd definitely tell a few people off, eat, drink, and have lots of sex. Sounds like a normal day anyway. haha Seriously, I would definitely do some things that I probably would never do if I could hit the rewind button and start all over again the next day. What would you do?

Greeting Card Etiquette

On Sunday I was rummaging through and organizing these huge rubbermaid bins that I have of old pictures, greeting cards, and all sorts of nostaligia. I have EVERY greeting card given to me by EVERYONE for EVERY occasion since 1990. That's kind of crazy huh? As I was reading them and cruising down memory lane I wondered what is the appropriate time period to wait before you can discard a greeting card? Like if someone sends me a card today saying "Thinking of You", what is the appropriate amount of time to keep the card without feeling bad about throwing it out? Is there a statute in place for this. Article 25A, section 301 of Greeting Card Etiquette states what? I may carry it to the extreme by keeping them for 15 years, but I like to look back and reflect every so often about people that have come in and out of my life, and those of you who still remain. Pictures are nice, but someone's heart-felt writing in a card means a great deal to me as well. Don't you hate when someone gives you a card and just signs their name? I like a little something written in there from the person. Hallmark does not know me like the person does and I like people to come up with words of their own to describe a feeling or a moment in time. Your thoughts??????

"Tuesday's Tune of the Day"

"MORE THAN A FEELING", BY BOSTON

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling,
when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
as clear as the sun in the summer sky

It's more than a feeling,
when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold, I hide in my music, forget the day
and dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away. She slipped away.

It's more than a feeling,
when I hear that old song they used toplay (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

Urban Legends

We've all heard them. Stories that are so far fetched, yet they become folklore. Some are so ridiculous they are funny, some are "old wives tales", and some bring out fear in people. I am talking about Urban Legends. Here are some of my favorites of all time:

1) If you eat pop rocks candy with soda, your head will explode.
2) Kentucky Fried Chicken is now called KFC because they can't use the word chicken in their name because they use/breed genetically altered chickens that grow without heads and the government does not consider it "chicken."
3) Drug users that have the AIDS virus put their old needles in coin return slots on pay phones so that when you stick your hand in there to get your change, you will become infected.
4) Gang members drive without headlights on at night and if you flash them to let them know their lights are off, they kill you.
5) If you shave hair, it grows back thicker and darker.
6) If you swallow chewing gum it stays in your system for 7 years.
7) The UPC code on Michael Jackson's "Thriller" Album contains his phone number.
8) If you forward that e-mail from Bill Gates and Microsoft, he will send you money.
9) In the movie, "Three Men and a Baby", an image of a dead boy appears in the window.
10) The song "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins was written after he witnessed a drowning.
11) On 9/11/01 a man on the top of the WTC rode the building all the way down as it collapsed and he survived.
12) Employees of Arab descent at Dunkin Donuts and National Wholesale Liquidators danced in the aisles as the attacks took place on 9/11/01.
13) Everyone was to light a candle on 10/1/01 for the 9/11 victims so that a sattellite photo could be taken from space.

I'd love to hear some of your favorites.