The HOV Lane

As in many parts of the country, the traffic situation here on Long Island is horrible. The highway system, for the most part, was designed about 70 years ago. The parkways on Long Island were built so that New York City residents could take leisurely drives out to the beaches along tree lined and scenic roads. Well, 70 years later we have the same parkways with the population and volume of cars probably 15 times what it was back then, yet nobody tries to come up with wise traffic solutions. The big "solution" these politicians come up with is using the HOV lane on the Long Island Expressway. They have a website you can go on to arrange carpools with strangers. Yeah, that's something I want to do....ride with a potential criminal, sex offender, crazy mofo, etc. Nothing like a little sodomy on the way to work. Hey, where did my wallet go???? I am a guy and I would not want to ride with some strange dude, would you as a woman? So after work, say I want to stop off for something at the supermarket, do I bring these carpool people with me? Or do I say hang out here in the car Mr., I need a bag of Oreos. Wait here Miss, I need that new DVD porn. In the morning, all I want to hear is music. I don't want someone in my car talking. If it's a new or strange person, it's going to be all small talk, like the weather, how are the kids, wow this is a nice car, shit like that...spare me. I think I'd rather pull all the hair out of my ass with a dull tweezer than listen to that shit. If it's a choice between the HOV lane or sitting in traffic, I'll take the traffic. Either that or I can borrow the Sugar V's blowup doll and get in the HOV lane hoping it will pass as a human when I drive by the highway patrol. No carpool lane for me!

C-Mac has been "Tagged"

Ok, so Steph "tagged" me with this survey. Here it is. I "tag" Liz, Molly, Bridget, and The Muse with it to complete on their sites:

Here are my questions...

Three names I go by:
1. Charlie
2. C-Mac
3. Mac

Three screen names that I have had:
1. Mattingly23c
2. CmacNY
3. Cmac23Ny

Three things I like about myself:
1. Sense of humor
2. Caring/Concern for others
3. My eyes

Three things I don't like about myself:
1. A Bit of OCD
2. Impatient at times
3. I take things too personal sometimes

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Italian
2. Irish
3. American

Three things that scare me:
1. Bees (yeah I am a pussy)
2. Leaving this life without fulfilling my purpose
3. Losing someone I love

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Laughter
2. Music
3. Hot Shower

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. Blue Button Down Shirt
2. Grey Pants
3. Grey socks

Three of my fave bands or musical artists:
1. Bruce Springsteen
2. Billy Joel
3. Tom Petty

Three of my fave songs:
1. What’s Goin’ On (Marvin Gaye)
2. Midnight Train to Georgia (Gladys Knight & Pips)
3. Moondance (Van Morrison)

Three new things I want to try in the next 12 months:
1. New Job
2. Running a half-marathon
3. Doing some Community Work

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. HONESTY
2. Laughter/Fun
3. Wild Sex

Two truths and a lie:
1. I am sad more often than people can tell
2. I walked out on a restaurant bill once
3. I owned a pet Kangaroo

Three physical things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. Eyes
2. Laughter
3. A great ass

Three things I can't do without:
1. Music
2. Friends
3. Love

Three of my fave hobbies:
1. Writing
2. Running
3. Music

Three places I want to go on vacation:
1. Hawaii
2. Australia
3. Ireland

Three things I just can't do:
1. Play Basketball
2. Be a phony
3. Keep quiet more than 5 minutes

Three kids' names:
1. Bruce (my doggie)
2. The Sugar V (he needs supervision)
3. Moondance (stuffed dog I’ve had for years)

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Have ONE at-bat at Yankee Stadium
2. Meet Bruce Springsteen
3. Find the love of my life

Three celeb crushes:
1. Jessica Alba
2. Cristina Aguilera
3. Scarlett Johansen

Construction Zone Flag Guy

On my way to work today I realized what I really want to do for a living. I passed a construction zone down on Ocean Parkway near Jones Beach and I was intrigued by the Flag Waver. Talk about a great job! This dude was relaxing, waving a flag and watching cars pass by. He is out in the sun all day, near the beaches, how great is that? I am sure he's union and probably makes about $50.00 an hour to wave that flag. The only thing I'd do differently is get more into the flag waving. I'd probably dance a bit, maybe throw in a few old school moves like the running man, the cabbage patch, or the robot. You know, give the drivers something to laugh about while they are sitting in construction zone traffic. I am sure it will make good dinner conversation for them at home later that night.

Have you ever taken a close look at these construction zones? There are usually about 25 workers on the site, but only 4 of them are actually working. The other 21 are just watching, drinking Gatorade, laughing, and chatting it up. I wonder if 4 names are drawn out of a hat early in the morning to determine who is actually going to be the "workers" for that particular day. One other observation about construction zones is that they close off a mile or two stretch of road (lane) all to work on a piece of road the size of a postage stamp. It's absurd.

I'm off to seek out a Flag Waver job application........

Office Traffic Cop for Hire

Not sure how many of the daytime "Bored at the Beach" readers work in an office, but if you do, you'll be able to relate to what I am going to write. Thankfully, I have my own office at work and don't sit in the dreaded cube anymore. Not sure how I landed an office, but that's another topic. My point is, when I leave my office and have to go to other parts of the building, it's a pain in the ass to see around the corners of these cubicles! I almost run about 10 people over a day! Either that or some douche bag is carrying a boiling cup of tea and is not watching where they go and he almost spills it all over me. Just what I need, a 3rd degree burn from a fuckin' cup of Lipton. They should have mirrors you can look in to see people coming around these bends. Either that, or an office traffic cop. Hell, we waste enough money around here, what's another salary? There are about three dozen people I can think of off the top of my head that don't do anything here, what's another employee? At least he/she will be doing something useful. When I come around these bends I usually almost always come close to running over the 5'1 woman that you can't see over the wall. Either that or the 400lb woman comes close to steamrolling me. I say an office traffic cop on every cubicle corner to avoid these mishaps. Is that asking too much? Where is that suggestion box? Hope it's on an anonymous basis only.......

Religion and Ignorance

There is a direct link between religion and ignorance. There, I said it.

Sometimes it IS a shock to come across people who appear both intelligent and cultured to open their mouths and fuck that all up. While I do believe that the Bible can teach some good lessons to live your life by, it is outdated. Just think about this: People are still live their lives by a book that was written BEFORE the world was known to be round. What?! Yes, it's true...the majority of people thought that if you walked far enough you would fall off the edge of the world. Hey, God never promised to make you SMART!

I reason I bring this all up is because daily I am bombarded with this utter bullshit. Now that Bush has a "mandate" to rule this country and bring it to the edge of ruin (a thing that evangelistic Christians and Republicans don't even NOTICE because they are so concentrated on taking humanity away from homosexuals and stopping abortions) religion has gotten a booster shot in the arm. It's gotten me so sick. I get pissed each day that I see politics mixed in with religion. I've even experienced times when I've found myself interacting with a pretty girl and we start talking and hitting it off nicely...only to have her say something about Bush or religion or anti-gay/abortion...and my stomach churns. She might as well have drooled and said "My genital warts are itching today.”.

I think I made an untrue statement earlier; religion and ignorance aren't directly related...religion and flat-out stupidity are. That's why an astounding majority of voters picked Bush not because of the economy or war or other justifiable reason...but because of MORAL VALUES. Are you kidding me? Because the nitwit thinks that gays should be hog-tied and thrown in the river and woman who have abortions should be beheaded...THAT equals moral values?!

Sometimes I think America is a fuckup.

Religion is not wholly bad...I guess. Some people are capable as seeing the Bible for what it is and don't interpret it fanatically. Just do me a favor...if you are religous and don't want your children to grow up being as fucking stupid as you are...don't teach them the Bible. If they decide to flock to the ankles of God, let them do it voluntarily and of their own free will later in life. When they are older and hopefully smarter, that's when they are of the age to decide. Forcefeeding them Jesus while still in diapers...well you might as well drop them on their heads from two floors up. The end result will be the same anyway.

Polygamy

So while I was eating dinner, I was watching that stupid show called "A Current Affair" which is like a tabloid news program. They had a pretty interesting segment about the practice of polygamy by the Mormons out in Utah. This is just something I don't understand.


I Just Don't Get It............. 

I am a guy in my early 30's who has never been married but who has been in many long term relationships and I have lived with girlfriends. Why would any man want more than ONE wife??? I am not talking about the sexual part here, I am talking about just dealing with say five women. Five different personalities, with five different sets of needs, five different PMS weeks, and five different pains in the ass. Living with ONE is MORE than enough.

So, when it's time to go food shopping, do they all go? Who cooks? Say it's a Saturday Morning and one wife wants to go with hubby to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and the other feels it's a Macy's day....do they flip a coin? Is sex like a five person rotation like a major league baseball pitching staff? If one gets tired, do you make a call out to the bullpen for relief? I wonder how this all works. I wonder what the sleeping arrangements are. I don't think 1-800-MATTRESS (leave off the last S for stupid) sells beds big enough for more than say, two wives.

Trying to make one woman happy is a job in itself, but to want marry a few, you truly have to be insane!

SPAM E-Mails

I don't know about you, but I am tired of those junk e-mails. If you go a weekend without checking your e-mail, you wake to dozens of these in your inbox on Monday. Apparently the demand for penile enlargement is greater than we all think. I'm sure you all get e-mail advertisements for that, whether you have a penis or not. Last time I checked, my penis was just fine and not in need of any surgery or enlargement pills or creams. I get a kick out of that, penile enlargement cream....wouldn't your hand get bigger too when you come in contact with the cream to apply it on the penis? You'd be walking around like the Hamburger Helper Mascot. Cracks me up. Apparently the penis is an obsession for many because a good portion of the junk mail is about the penis. Make it bigger, fatter, stronger, harder, and healthier with Acme Penile Pills. Watch your penis grow 14 inches right before your very eyes. New from Acme, it's Chia Penis. Enough penis e-mails already!

Then there are the e-mails for everything from home equity loans, free computers and ipods, on-line degrees, and free pizza, to "meet singles in your area." If I want to meet a single in my area, I'll go out! If I want an IPOD, I'll go out and buy one. If I want pizza, I'll pay the fuckin' $1.50 for the slice.....just leave me alone already! I wonder how these people even get my e-mail address......all that I know is that I am tired of having to clean these all out of the inbox.

The Sidewalk Mascot

The sidewalk mascot, one of the most misunderstood figures in society. I saw a lonely sidewalk mascot today as I drove along the highway. He/she was dressed up in a very low-budget Scooby-Doo costume. Sort of like Scooby's welfare cousin. Not sure what store he was trying to drum up business for, but Welfare Scooby was just going through the motions, waving to cars. Welfare Scooby was not very enthusiastic, he was just kind of waiting for his shift to be over. It was about 70 degrees today so whoever was inside definitely was not comfortable in that costume.


Poor Bastard........ 

I wonder if having a dancing dog, coffee cup, or superhero actually helps business. I have never stopped off for lunch just because I saw a slice of pepperoni pizza dancing on a sidewalk, have you? I wonder if these employees volunteer to be the mascot, or if they are forced to do it. I suppose it beats scrubbing a greasy grill in the kitchen, but I suppose after closing, when the costume comes off, that poor bastard is also the toilet scrubber and the dish washer.

So the next time you see a sidewalk mascot, blow your horn, wave, or shake his hand. The sidewalk mascot is one of society's unsung heroes. There should be a national sidewalk mascot appreciation day......so here's to you sidewalk welfare Scooby, here's to you sidewalk dancing banana, and here's to you sidewalk waving burrito, you are not going unrecognized any longer!

Saturday the 14th........

Well, I made it through "Friday the 13th" and so did you if you're reading this! No black cat sightings, no walking under ladders, and Jason was nowhere to be found yesterday. I'm not too sure I believe in any of that superstitious stuff anyway. Some people live their lives around superstitious rituals.

Wade Boggs, a very famous baseball player from the 80's and 90's who played for the Red Sox and Yankees was wacky. He would eat the same exact dinner every day until he went hitless in a game, then he would switch. It was always chicken, just cooked differently. He took exactly 150 ground balls during infield practice and had a fixation on time. He entered the batting cage at exactly 5:17 p.m. and ran wind sprints at 7:17 p.m. Before each at-bat, he would write the Hebrew word "Chai" meaning life into the dirt of the batter's box. Between pitches, he had a habit if he was playing defense at 3rd base: he'd swipe the dirt in front of him with his left foot, tap his glove two or three times and adjust his cap.


One superstitious man..... 

He did all these things and believed all of this, yet he wasn't smart enough to keep the woman he was having an affair with away from the stadium when his wife and kids were there. He eventually got busted and went through all kinds of hell. Guess cheating on his wife was not on his list of superstitions........

Being half Italian, that side of the family had a few superstitions they would "enforce" in the house growing up. We were told not to open an umbrella in the house, step on cracks in the sidewalk, new shoes could not be put on a table (even if still in the box or bag), and putting a hat on a bed. These were all supposedly "bad luck." I think it was more like dysfunction. That is a more logical explanation.

What are some superstitions that you believe or some that were enforced in your family?

10 Things That Annoy Me At Work

Yup, it's that time again, morning. Time once again to start the work day. Before I officially start at 8:30, I wanted to list the top 10 things I hate most about work....in no particular order:

The Commute: Although I am only 20 miles away and it really does not take me all that long, just dealing with douche bags on the road in the morning starts each day on the wrong foot. I want to work from home, from my deck!

Phony People: We all have these people at work. People who pretend to be your friend then talk shit behind your back and everyone else's. In the spirit of Friday the 13th, I hope Jason catches up with these morons sometime later tonight.

Miserable People: You know these people, the ones who forgot how to say hello, smile, or even speak for that matter. These people need to either get laid or get a laxative.

People Who Steal Your Ideas: You have to love these geniuses. These are the people who can't think on their own so they listen in on your ideas or someone else's and present it as their own just for credit. The key with these nozzles is to make up a crazy idea so they hear it and run with it. Let the fucker get fired.

People Who Try To Look Busy But Do Nothing: These people are my favorite. You can spot them a mile away. They take deep breaths, sigh, wipe their brow, scatter papers all over their desk, walk around with papers all the time, stay until the boss leaves, and always look annoyed....you know the Costanza method of working. These people need to be put on bathroom duty after a Mexican luncheon.

People Who Cook Fucked Up Food In the Microwave: We've all dealt with these assholes. They bring in some exotic seafood dish and the whole fuckin' office smells like a whorehouse or they burn popcorn and the office smells like the towering inferno. These people need to be banned from the kitchen.

The 50 Cigarette Break Worker: This person needs to actually do some fuckin' work. They spend half the day racking up Marlboro points. At their homes they have the fuckin' Marlboro couch, Marlboro kitchen set, Marlboro car, and even the fuckin' Marlboro Jet from all the fuckin' cigarettes they are smoking at work. Get back to your desk you lazy prick and work! You don't see me out taking a vodka break or a sex break do you? Maybe I should!

The Pass The Buck Douche Bags: You know these people. People who don't give a shit, they just want it off their desk at any cost. They pass along shit to you that is half complete, 90% inaccurate, or that makes no sense whatsoever. They feel they did their part of it and just want it over with. Haunt these assholes, make their lives miserable right back.

People Who Try and Act Smart: You know these people too. We have people in offices here that have had the same scientific formulas on their dry erase boards for 2 fuckin' years....ok douche bag, I can look that up on the internet too. You have no idea what that even means so get the eraser and erase it before I carve the Pythagorean Theorem on your forehead with a knife.

Meetings: These are always fun. You discuss the SAME shit at every meeting and nothing ever gets done. You have people who don't know how to shut the fuck up at these meetings and make them drag on for HOURS! When they ask does anyone have any questions, shut up and be done with it! The most petty and trivial shit is discussed at these meetings, shit that could be solved in 30 seconds if someone had the balls or actually gave a shit.

Ok, that's my top 10...I want to hear your work gripes!!!!!

More Cheese Please!

Ok, it's time for all "Bored At The Beach" readers to come clean. I want to know some of the CHEESIEST cd's that are part of your collection. I know there are at least FIVE that you hide or are a little ashamed of. CD's that you bought back in the day but cringe when you come across them now. I own about 1300 cd's, so I have quite a few cheesy ones. Here's my Hall Of Shame:

Rick Astley- Yeah, I actually own this! Back in the day, "Never Gonna Give You Up" was a big hit and so was "Together Forever." Looking back, this CD is a disgrace.

Debbie Gibson- A local Long Island girl, Debbie was hot stuff back in the late 80's/early 90's. Come on, we all loved "Shake Your Love" and got teary eyed over "Lost In Your Eyes."

Milli Vanilli- Girl, you know it's true, that C-Mac owns this one. At the time, this CD was ass kickin'. Who cares who was really singing? "Blame It On the Rain" "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby, Don't Forget My Number" were pretty good tunes.

Bobby Brown- Wife beater, crack addict, and a pretty good dancer. Bobby Brown was all over the radio back in the 1988-1991 days. "Every Little Step" "Don't Be Cruel" and "On Our Own" were HUGE hits. Not to mention his slow jams, and pipe laying tunes. He was the R. Kelly of the 80's.

Color Me Badd- Ok, I admit it, I own the Color Me Badd CD. I actually saw them on a rerun of 90210 like a month ago. We ALL cranked up "I Wanna Sex You Up" back in the summer of '91!! The other big hits were "I Adore Mi Amore" and "All For Love." It really does not get any worse than Color Me Badd, unless of course, you own a New Kids CD, just ask the Sugar V!!!

Life In The Fast Lane

Back in the 70's, the Eagles sang about "Life In The Fast Lane," but they were referring to a fast paced, stressful lifestyle. The fast lane I want to chat about today is the LEFT lane of the highway, where all the douche bags seem to drive at or below the speed limit. I was aware that the left lane was the "fast" lane or passing lane when I was still riding a big wheel, yet you have people in the left lane daily that are out joy riding in rush hour traffic. Does it not occur to them as EVERYONE is passing them on the right, staring them down, and cursing at them, that JUST MAYBE they should pick up the pace or move the fuck over? Sometimes I am in the left lane doing 75-80MPH and a car starts to approach me from behind at a higher rate of speed than I am traveling, and I still move over to let them pass even though I am already breaking the speed limit by 20MPH! It's called etiquette and common sense!

Once my brother-in-law and I were heading out to Eastern Long Island to play golf. My brother-in-law was driving, who by the way, is a little insane. Someone was driving at about 50MPH in the left lane and would not move over. My brother-in-law proceeded to just hold the horn down right behind this guy for about 5 miles. We just went about our conversation, discussed the weather, and the golf day ahead. The slow dude finally got rattled and moved over. It was pretty hilarious. Or you can try the handful of pennies trick, as you pass them and get in front of them, toss a handful of pennies out the window, especially at night, they will think it's rocks kicking up and move over. If that does not work, try a master lock...haha

Bright Ideas............

Burn Baby Burn!!!!!!! 

Have you ever heard of a crazy promotion or seen a crazy commercial for a product and wondered what the hell the person who thought up the idea was thinking at the time??? These "promotional" nights at baseball stadiums really happened and turned into disasters:

June 4th 1974, Cleveland: 10 Cent Beer Night-
I'm not sure the Cleveland Indians Management would have been dumber if they offered free gasoline and matches and invited all the pyromaniacs in town to the game. The Indians offered the fans all the beer they could guzzle for 10 cents a cup. This was basically nothing more than an open invitation for every thug in town to come start a drunken riot. Basically, that's what they got. By the third inning fans were running on the field harassing players. As the night wore on and the booze really kicked in, things got ugly. Fans started tossing the beers and firecrackers into the visiting Texas Rangers bullpen and dugout. Chairs started being ripped out and tossed on the field. One of the umpires was hit by a flying chair and called the game. Dozens were arrested and dozens more hurt as riot police were called in. Incredibly, the Cleveland management had scheduled three more 10 cent beer nights and planned to go ahead with them. Major League Baseball forced them to cancel the promotions.

July 12th 1979, Chicago: Disco Demolition Night-
The Chicago White Sox owner and a local radio DJ came up with this brilliant idea. They thought it would be a good idea for fans to bring disco albums to the stadium for a 98 cent admission price for a DOUBLEHEADER. The plan was to build a bonfire in centerfield and burn the disco records between games. More than 50,000 disco hating fans showed up for the game. Right away the fans started using the records as Frisbees and hundreds of records were flying all over the stadium. By the time the between game ceremony began, the fans were primed for craziness. When the “fire goddess” named Loreli came on the field and lit the bonfire, the fans went ape shit. About 7,000 fans stormed the field and rioted. The second game was cancelled and dozens were injured and arrested. Another brilliant scheme.

July 5th 1985, Atlanta: Fourth of July Fireworks-
The Atlanta Braves fireworks show lit up more than just the sky. After a 19 inning game with the NY Mets that started at 8pm on July 4th and ended at 3:55am on July 5th, the Braves management thought it was ok to proceed with the July 4th fireworks at the end of the game. Only about 8,000 fans remained in the stadium. As the fireworks started, residents within a 7 mile radius of the stadium were shaken out of bed thinking they were being bombed. Hundreds of calls were phoned into the Police and people were running out in the streets. After about an hour, order was restored in the city.

ZZ TOP

Guys, it's over! 

Don't you think it's time these guys shave? Yeah, the whole beard gimmick was funny and cool back in 1985, but it's TWENTY YEARS LATER! Buy a fuckin' razor! We get it, hahaha, the beards, yeah......it was stale by 1990!

Why do bands/famous people refuse to let go of the past? Nobody is listening to "Sharp Dressed Man" anymore guys! Your cd's are on the $2.99 rack, shave already! They could make more endorsing the Mach 3 razor for Gillette by shaving than they are making off record sales right now. Let it go!

The Retail Years

Have any of you ever had the misfortune of working in retail? I did from my high school years until about 1997. The things I have seen and heard will AMAZE some of you. I want to share some of my favorite retail stories:

1) The Store Gym: I worked for a large sporting goods store from my Sophmore year in high school until I was about 20. We had a HUGE area where we had all of our exercise equipment on display for people to look at and try. We had this "customer" come in EVERY night at 5:20, towel in hand, to work out on the machines. Why spend the money on a gym membership when you can get it free at your local sporting goods store? This guy was INSANE!!!! We loved the spectacle so much, we never threw him out of the store.

2) The National Anthem: Same store, same job. We had this "special" kid come in after school a few days a week to play the demo we had set up of Sega Genesis. He loved to play the NHL hockey video game, but he did it with a twist. Before the game, he'd take his baseball cap off, hold it against his heart and sing both the American and Canadian National Anthems. He would then play the game, imitating Marv Albert's voice and doing the play by play, "the pass to Messier, Scoooooore!!!!"

3) The Kiddie Pool- I managed a retail store similar to Target years ago. We had a seasonal section where we had all of our summer stuff on display including the kiddie turtle pools. I was doing a store walk-through with my department managers when we got to the seasonal section. Something smelled really foul. We looked and looked and could not figure it out. We then looked in the direction of the kiddy pools and saw what was causing the odor. Someone had squatted and taken a shit right in the kiddie pool. It was nasty!

4) The Watch Battery- Same store as #3. We had a jewelry counter in the store where we sold all kinds of jewelry and watches. A well dressed customer approaches my clerk who was behind the jewelry counter and asked if we installed watch batteries. My clerk told her that we did not install them, but she'd be glad to show her which battery was the right one for her watch and that she could change it at home. The woman hacked up a big wad of spit and spat at the clerk. All because we did not install watch batteries.

5) The Men's Shirt Sale- An all out brawl took place over the last men's dress shirt. Two women grabbed for the same shirt and an all out brawl took place complete with blood, hair pulling, and Police activity. Neither woman got the shirt, but headed to the Police station instead.

6) The Old Lady- Ok, it's two days before Christmas 1995 and my 6am-6pm shift just ended as a manager of the same "Target" like store. I figured I would buy some last minute things before I headed home. There were 25 registers going, 15 people on each line. the store was packed. I was quietly waiting in line like everyone else, when all of a sudden an old lady collapsed on line. The heat/stress of the store must have gotten to her. Instead of people helping her, they pushed her cart aside and took her place in line!!!!!

7) I was managing a pharmacy store. One of my cashiers had a slight cold but came to work anyway. Some customer gave her an attitude for coming to work sick and asked for the manager. when I approached him he accused ME of forcing my employees to come to work sick just so I could drum up pharmacy business!

We'll have a retail years part 2 another time...I could write a book of stories!

Song Lyric Fillers

Morning to all! Week is just about half over!

I was thinking this morning about songs which contain wacky "words" or sounds that aren't necessarily in a dictionary. Some can be quite annoying, but some stick in your head and you find yourself singing it, and of course it makes no sense. Here are some examples:

From GREASE:

We go together, like ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka dinga kading-a-dong
Remember forever, as shoo-wop shoo-waddy-waddy yippity
boom-de-boom
Chang-chang changity-chang shoo-bop that`s the way it should be
wahoo yeah

We`re one of a kind, like dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop
da-doo-dee-doo
Our names are signed, a-boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy shooby
shoo-wop she-bop
Chang-chang changity-chang shoo-bop we`ll always be like one
wa-wa-wa-one


From LADY MARMALADE

Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)

From WHITE LINES

Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang
Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang
Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang
Diggedy dang di-dang diggedy dang di-dang

From WHOOMP THERE IT IS:

Whoomp, chak-a-laka, chack-a-laka
Chak-a laka, chak-a
Whoomp, chak-a-laka, chack-a-laka
Chak-a laka, chak-a
Whoomp, chak-a-laka, chack-a-laka
Chak-a laka, chak-a
Whoomp, chak-a-laka, chack-a-laka
Chak-a laka, chak-a

From JAM ON IT:

Wikki-wikki-wikki-wikki
(Shut up)
Wikki-wikki-wikki-wikki
(Diggy dang diggy dang da dang dang da diggy diggy diggy dang dang)
(Diggy dang diggy diggy)

From SUPERSONIC:

I saw my llama llama llama
Do my nama see me?
now my llama nama do
my llama llama nama see me
now my llama nama do
my llama llama nama see me
now my llama nama see me,
I'm a do my llama hum uh

I always get a kick out of those....I know there are plenty more...help me out folks!

Pageants and Beauty

This Is What Society Calls Beauty????? 

I'm not a woman. I am also not gay. Maybe that explains why I don't understand a lot of the things going on around me. Intense materialism, thousand dollar handbags, fake nails, padded bras and fake eyelashes...these things astonish me. Maybe I should do some undercover research and dive into the world of excess that many females like to call home. For now though, I'm going to use the following paragraphs to state my case...

For well over a century, humans have been dressing up their dogs for presentation at various shows, hoping to earn trophies for their fine pedigrees. Before a show starts, owners brush their dogs, wash them, put ribbons in their hair, shave them, teach them how to walk the floor, hold their heads up high, and much more. Judges then give scores to these dogs and a winner is selected. It's not very fascinating. That is, unless you compare it to...

Beauty pageants. Miss America, Miss Teen USA, Miss Universe. Beauty pageants put females on display, place them on a stage and have judges vote on who looks, acts, and behaves the best. Before a pageant starts, women must brush their hair, wash themselves, put ribbons in their hair, shave their legs and bikini zones, learn how to walk the floor, hold their heads up high, and much more. It's not very fascinating. That is, unless you compare it to...

WOW, has anyone else ever seen the correlation here? We put women on display just as we do dogs, and vote on the prettiest and finest pedigree of both. Pretty women think that being in a pageant is a truly wondrous experience...but it's not. These women are the shallow, idiotic, retarded dredges of humanity that we put on a stage to gawk at because they are "pretty". At least dogs don't have any choice in the matter; their owners break them down through intense training and are being led by a fuckin' leash. Dogs do it unwillingly; human females do it because they want to feel special, different, superior. Why else enter a competition where no skill other than appearance is involved. Oh, don't fool yourself with the talent and "question" part of the pageant. These women are as talentless as they come but don't seem to know it. If they are frequently complimented on their beauty, marry rich and/or fuck their way to the top of the human food chain, they will feel content. Discovering breakthroughs in Physics or developing the cure for cancer, these women will not. They are here for our viewing pleasure. Like cute plastic dolls sitting on a shelf.

I could go on another rant about the whole ancient art of face-painting and how it has spun out of control, making women into strange caricatures of beauty these days. A half inch of foundation, a coating of various eye goops, a buffer of rouge and lipstick. Don't get under hot lights or you'll start to melt like butter left in the sun. Hell, washing and waxing the entire surface of my car doesn't require that many chemicals. Hooray for innocent bunnies and monkeys to test this hazardous stuff on before sending it off to market, eh?

Show me a woman who has wit, an ingenious sense of humor; a lover of quiet time and relaxation, intelligent AND immature conversation; a lady who can do without makeup or expensive clothing when going out for the night; a woman who doesn't go out of her way to seek attention and acceptance from her peers, and I will show you a woman who is beautiful. Plain and simple. Painting your face and throwing on fake nails, eyelashes and padded bras will only make you look like a clown. Self-esteem doesn't come from Loreal or lacquered nails, Botox or Gucci.....it comes from who you are.

If you have to seek store shelves or pageants to feel beautiful, you've already lost.

The Handblower Mystery Revisited

The Sugar V's bathroom post this morning made me think of a famous bathroom story that I have: ENJOY!

Some of you already know this story, some of you don't. I've had to deal with an unsolved mystery since 1991. Back in 1991 when I was a youngster, I was a manager for a large retail pharmacy chain here on Long Island. As part of my duties as manager I would have to meet with about 50 sales reps from various companies weekly to place orders to stock the store with product. There was this one sales rep named Maryann. Maryann was about 5'1, about 150lbs who had an ass that was about 6 axe handles wide. One day I was eating lunch with my employees in the employee lounge when Maryann arrived. Maryann came into the employee lounge and said hello. She then proceeded to ask me if she could borrow a metal folding chair from the break room. I assumed she was going to use it to sit on and place her picture frame order. I said sure Maryann, help yourself. She then left with the chair. About 4 minutes passed and my employees and I heard a large crashing sound which seemed to come from the bathroom area which was right around the corner from the employee lounge. Fearing that an elderly customer may have fallen in the restroom, I jumped up from my lunch to investigate. I came upon the ladies' room where the door was slightly open. I peeked into the room to see if someone had fallen. To my surprise there was Maryann, standing on the folding chair with her pants and underwear around her ankles bent over with her huge ass hovering over the hand blower. She had pointed the blower upwards and her ass was hovering over the stream of heat. Her back was to me, so she didn't know what I had seen. I went running back to the employee lounge stunned. When my employees asked what had just taken place they were stunned as well when I told them. A few minutes later Maryann came back in with the chair and said, "thank you." She then proceeded to her aisle to place her order. She had no idea I had seen her. Fourteen years later, this is still a mystery. What was Maryann doing with her ass in the blower? Did she have an accident and had to wash and dry herself? Did she simply like the "hot air" feeling? Anyone I've ever told this story to has their own theory. Your thoughts?

No More Mr. Nice Guy?

Have you noticed that when your are courteous and considerate out in public you always end up screwed!!!??? I am a guy that is very considerate of others and I do my best to accommodate others. I always end up in an awkward or bad situation after I am nice. Here are examples of what I am talking about:

You are on the road and you are stopped at a light. To your right is a gas station and someone is trying to get out onto the road. So, you let them out when the light turns green. You usually DON’T get the thank you wave, but whatever. Then, the asshole proceeds to go 5MPH in front of you and ties up traffic. You are SCREWED!

You have about 10 items at the express lane and a seemingly nice old lady is behind you with ONE item. Out of courtesy, you allow her to go ahead of you. She thanks you in that sweet voice. When it’s her turn to get rung up, she argues over the price of the cat food. It scans at $2.49 and she insists it’s $2.39. They call for price checks and 10 minutes later they concur on the price. The little old lady then proceeds to pay in coin. Once again you are SCREWED!

You are in the elevator, headed up to the 15th floor doctor’s office. You have the flu and want medicine bad. You can’t wait to get there. The door is just about to close and some woman comes dashing toward the door. You could have very easily let it close, but you are nice and hold it for her. She coincidentally, is headed for the same floor. You are a gentleman and let her exit the elevator before you. She is headed for the same doctor’s office. She signs in before you, has the same appointment time, and gets treated before you. Of course she has some rare disease from the tropics and is in with the doctor for 90 minutes. Once again, YOU ARE SCREWED!!!!!

These are just some classic examples. I’d love to hear how you got screwed from being nice!!!

Sounds of the Season

There's Something About That Bell...... 

Well, NOW spring is officially here. Sure we've had 70 degree temperatures here in NY, baseball started over a month ago, and the flowers are starting to bloom. Tonight it became official as I saw the ice cream man pass the house for the first time this year. There's something about that music or ringing bell that lures us from whatever we are doing.

Remember when you were a kid? The Ice Cream Man was like a living legend. You suddenly developed a bionic ear and could hear him about four miles away. Everything came to a halt when you heard that bell, baseball games, kickball games, hide and seek, you name it. As soon as that bell rang or music was heard, kids scattered in every direction to head home for money. The ice cream man is the kid's version of a crack dealer. People go ape shit for ice cream. In my house we ALWAYS had a freezer full of ice cream, yet there was something about getting it from the ice cream man that was special. Suddenly the five gallons of ice cream in the freezer at home was not good enough. The shitty stuff the ice cream man sold was suddenly better.

The ice cream man was usually an older dude. He at least wore something that said "Good Humor" on it. Now the ice cream man is like a 20-something dude in jeans and a wife beater. What the fuck is that all about? The prices are insane too. A chipwich is like $3 now.

I used to love to torment the ice cream man. The standard abuse was to yell "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of your lungs out your bedroom window when he'd pass. He would jam the breaks, not knowing where the voice came from. His truck would buck and come to a stop, where he'd sit patiently and wait for his $1.00 sale, but I'd never go out. I would test him to see how long he was willing to wait. As he started to drive away after the four minute wait.....I'd yell, "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!" again and the moron would stop and wait again until he finally caught on that we were fucking with him. Those were the days. I may actually try that again this year from my deck...just for old time's sake.

Just Flush!

Why do people find it so difficult to flush a toilet after they go? There's NOTHING worse than going into a public bathroom, especially at work, on a Monday, to see that someone did not flush after they went. What is wrong with people? It's 2005 and how many years has indoor plumbing been a staple in homes and businesses? Yet these fuckers can't flush? There are just some things I will never understand. People not flushing, people not washing their hands after they go, people who still wear Member's Only Jackets, people that have 1980's hair styles, people with body odor, I just don't get it!

Anyone caught not flushing should be exiled to a fuckin' hole in the ground out in the parking lot to take care of their business. Let the fucker squat in the lot as traffic passes by. Odds are, they won't even care....

I Love Music and I Couldn't Resist This....

I got this fun little music profile from Molly's site. Thanks! You choose one of your favorite bands or musical artists and use their song titles to answer the following questions:

NAME OF BAND: BILLY JOEL

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE: "AN INNOCENT MAN"

DESCRIBE YOURSELF: "THE ENTERTAINER"

HOW DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT YOU: "I GO TO EXTREMES"

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF: "KEEPING THE FAITH"

DESCRIBE AN EX GIRLFRIEND: "MODERN WOMAN"

DESCRIBE CURRENT GIRL: "STATE OF GRACE"

DESCRIBE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE: "SUMMER HIGHLAND FALLS"

DESCRIBE HOW YOU LIVE: "RIVER OF DREAMS"

DESCRIBE HOW YOU LOVE: "THROUGH THE LONG NIGHT"

SHARE A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM: "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG"

This was fun!

You Have Entered......"The Blue-Light Zone"

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Awkward Situation

Every Saturday is food shopping day. Food shopping is something I actually enjoy. I've loved it ever since I moved out on my own at age 19. It's wonderful having the ENTIRE store at your disposal and the ability to buy whatever you want. Back when you were like five, you'd be strapped in that child seat asking for everything you saw and you always got the lecture by Mom or Dad as to why you couldn't have 14 kinds of cookies. Food shopping as an adult is great, you can buy whatever you want and as much as you want.

When I get to the checkout I like to bag my own groceries. I have a system and I like to keep frozen stuff together, cleaning products together, etc. Four out of the last six or so times I've gone shopping, I've had this disabled kid as a bagger who insisted on bagging my groceries for me. Let me preface my story by saying that I think it's wonderful that young people with disabilities are out working and being independent. Over the years some of my best employees were those with autism, cerebral palsy, or down's syndrome. Honestly, when I really need help while shopping in any store or in a fast food place, I always seek out the disabled worker because of their willingness and eagerness to help. They are really into their jobs and are wonderful to interact with.


Watch My Eggs, FUCKER! 

The issue I had today and the last four times this kid bagged my groceries was that he fucked everything up. I am talking bread with 2-liter diet cokes, pineapples with paper towels, cheese with Tide detergent, just an entire fuck up. Not to mention he created 20 bags, when there should have been maybe 10. The awkward part of it is, can I really say something without being politically incorrect? I know the guy is trying and I was actually bagging my own today when he appeared out of virtually nowhere, nudged me out of the way and took over the operation. I was cringing as I saw english muffins go into the bag with a half gallon of OJ right behind it. I basically had to sit there and bite my tongue as not to offend him, the cashier, or the people behind me on the line, if I said something or showed him what he was doing wrong. It's a shame that in 2005 you basically have to watch everything you say or do even if your intentions are good, in fear of offending someone. So, I wheeled my $110.00 worth of crushed groceries to the car, and headed home.

Anyone up for a 1cm thick english muffin? How about some crushed grapes? Personally, the fresh strawberry jam that was made from my fresh strawberries being pummeled by a whole watermelon is my favorite. Perhaps I can spread that on the new "Ultra-Thin" Thomas's English Muffins I now have.

You Start To See Things Differently

Happy Saturday to all. Another shitty, rainy one here in good ol' NY.....but a rainy day not having to go to work still beats a picture perfect day at the office.

I read a post over at the Freaky Virgin's blog this morning which got me thinking. So, I figured I'd elaborate on my thoughts.

As a guy in my early 30's, it's cool to look back on the wildness of my 20's. That's not to say I am not still wild and crazy at times, but as you mature, you see the world differently. When I was in my late teens and 20's I had a thought process that many guys do at that age.....never turn down a piece of ass when you have the opportunity. Even if the girl wasn't your "type" so to speak, you still thought it was cool to hook up just to hook up because it made you feel good and you felt like you had to get this craziness out of your system before you got married and settled down. You had sex just to have sex when you weren't in a committed relationship and in your own mind it was acceptable.

Now that I am in my early 30's and have seen more female ass than a ladies room toilet seat at Macy's on a sale day, you realize what's really important. It isn't about just banging anyone that gives you the opportunity, it's about things a lot deeper. Sure, I still have a VERY high sex drive and am horny all the time just like most guys, but now I think beyond just the moment. In my 20's I thought just of that moment, getting laid, and that's it. Now I think of the aggravation involved if you hook up with someone that likes you but it's someone you are not really into. The phone calls afterward, and everything else that goes along with it. In 15 minutes I could just jerk-off and save myself the trouble. It's simpler and I don't have to deal with bullshit afterwards. Masturbation is and always will be king. It keeps you out of LOTS of trouble.

On a serious note though, you do see things differently as you mature. Now it's about being with a girl that you are really into. Someone you have a strong connection with, someone you can be yourself with, someone you can laugh your ass off with, someone who understands me, someone who brings out the best in me and who I bring out the best in. Someone who after I have sex with for hours, there is actually shit to talk about afterwards. Yeah it's about love but it's also about who you can most tolerate. I know that sounds wacky, but it's true. How many times have we been with someone we can only take in doses? Someone, although nice, and attractive, just gets under your skin after a while. We have all been there. Guys, when you find a girl you are attracted to, who is funny, who you can actually talk to, and who you can tolerate for long periods of time, marry her. Seriously.

Yeah, we have to be sexually compatible with our choice of partner, but that's only one component. A freak shouldn't marry a prude...we know that is a recipe for disaster. Unless someone is REALLY bad sexually, isn't it all the same? Isn't it more about how you feel about that person that makes you get into things more both sexually and non sexually anyway? I'd rather have a cute girl who knows what she's doing sexually, who I have a blast with ALL the time than a "HOT" girl who's a pro in bed, but who offers nothing in other areas of life, it's that simple and that's where my mind is now. Suuuuuure, while I am running down on the beach daily I see hot girls everywhere and think "Wow, I'd love to have her on all fours" or some other nasty guy thought...but when I really think about what makes me happiest it's just being with someone I can share things with, laugh, have fun, experience things with, and just be myself with. That lasts a lot longer than a few nights of just banging one of the beach bitches only to find out that's all they have to offer.

I like where I am at now in life. I like thinking with a mature mind. Trust me, I love all the experiences I've had both good and bad. I am smarter, tougher, and happier because of them. You bet your ass I still have fun and get rowdy, but I enjoy it more now because of where I've been and what I've seen in life so far. Knowledge, experience, and maturity make you feel more complete and confident.

Ok, that's my Saturday speech...... :)

Classic Phone Scam: Free Turkeys For All!

Here's Another Classic Revisited:

Back in the 80's when I was a kid and into the very early 90's my friends and I were the kings of prank phone calls and practical jokes. I actually still have over two hours of some of these calls on tape which are hilarious. Many of my friends and co-workers over the years have heard these tapes and thought they were a riot. I was doing these tapes long before "The Jerky Boys" and many other phone scam artists. I have so many favorites. One of them is this crazy prank we played on a butcher shop two days before Thanksgiving in 1988. This butcher shop would always put a HUGE weekly ad in the local papers advertising their shop. So one day around 3pm my brother and I got a crazy idea. I picked up the phone and dialed the butcher shop. A guy answered by saying "ABC(fictional name) Meats, Craig speaking may I help you." I hung up, all I wanted was a person's name that worked there. My brother and I then proceeded to call approximately 75 homes in the vicinity of the butcher shop that we found in the white pages. We told each person that we were Craig from ABC Meats and that they had won a free 25lb Thanksgiving turkey in a raffle that we had conducted by taking local names out of the phone book. Almost every person we called was so excited that they had won a turkey and asked how to claim their prize. I told them to simply come down to the shop with ID and claim their turkey. Well, after about 75 calls, we decided to call ABC Meats to see what was going on. A very winded Craig answered the phone "ABC MEATS, may I help you." In the background you heard people yelling and screaming, the other phone lines ringing off the hook. I said to Craig, "Hi Craig, I am calling to verify that I won a free 25lb turkey", he said "Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on, I have about 30 people in here asking for free turkeys, the phone is ringing off the hook with people confirming winning a turkey, I'M NOT GIVING AWAY ANY GOD DAMN TURKEYS!!!!!!!" and he hung up. Poor Bastard.......that is one of my favorites...I'll share more with you over time.

Classic Phone Scam: The Free Lawnmower

An Oldie But a GOODIE!!!!!!

Another one of my favorite phone scams was the "free lawnmower" call. My brother and I called the neighbor across the street from our house. We told him we were from Sears at the local mall. We told him that we had conducted a raffle for a brand new Sears Craftsman lawnmower. He claimed he did not enter any raffle and seemed a little reluctant to claim his prize. We assured him it was legit and that we had taken the names of all our Sears charge customers and did various "Customer Appreciation" raffles. He said, ok, "What's the Catch." I said, well there is a catch. All you have to do is trade in your old lawnmower and we'll upgrade you to a brand new Sears Craftsman. He started laughing and said, "You can have my old mower, it's 10 years old, now what do I do to get my new mower?" We told him to bring his old lawnmower and 2 forms of ID to the local Sears to claim his prize within the next 4 hours. About 20 minutes after we hung up with him, the neighbor and his son were hoisting the old mower on top of their station wagon and tying it down. They drove off with the mower tied to the car's roof and headed for Sears. About 40 minutes later, they came back, visibly angry, with the SAME old mower tied to their car. They untied it, threw it in the garage, slammed the garage door, and went inside. A classic indeed.

Friday Hodgepodge

Just some random stuff for this Friday:

Why do athletes especially baseball players point to the sky (to God) after they hit a home run? Do they think God was a factor in that home run? Why don't they point up to God after they make a game ending error or strike out? With all the messed up shit going on in the world, do they really think God cares about a Royals/Twins day game? I don't think God gets too involved in trivial shit. Just this morning I saw a "Church of God" van broken down on the side of the parkway, obviously, God's not involved in these small matters.....

There's an urban legend that says porn stars get their names from a wacky source. Apparently their first name is the name of their first pet growing up and the last name is the name of the street they grew up on. In that case, my porn name is Pete Hyman. What's yours?

Why do douche bags on three or four lane highways wait until the absolute last second to go from the left lane all the way to the right lane to exit? Don't they realize a half mile back that their exit is approaching? Fuckers. They deserve a mouthful of pop rocks and soda.

People will eat anything that is free, whether they are hungry or not. I randomly clean out my cabinets and bring stuff into work and place it on the counter in the breakroom, stuff vanishes within minutes! I am convinced that if someone shit on that counter, people would ask where the crackers and butter knife was.

Ok.....more later. TGIF everyone, enjoy!

Just Start Digging!

Can't Dig Fast Enough! 

Have you ever gotten yourself in such an awkward or embarrassing situation that your only option to escape it would have been to have dug yourself a hole and hid in it? I mean where all eyes were focused on you and you could not go anywhere and you were mortified over something? I have a great story from when I was about 19 years old.

I was dating this girl named Donna. She was about a year and a half younger than me. She was my first real "girlfriend" and I was her first boyfriend. We were also each other's first sexual partner. At the time of this story I had been dating her about a year and a half and we had just started having sex about six months prior to what I am about to mention. In addition to condoms, we thought it may be wise for her to go on the pill as well, just to be safe. So she went to the doctor and went on the pill. Keep in mind, she came from a strict Italian family and her parents had NO idea she was having sex. After all she was 18 and I was 19.

She had a sister who was married with a small child. Her niece was adorable and Donna and I would take her everywhere. Her niece had a curious side of her, as all kids do and would get into everything. So, one night I was invited to a huge family dinner at Donna's home. ALL of her relatives were there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Siblings, Grandparents, and of course, her parents. So we had just finished dinner and everyone was sitting around talking. Donna's little niece was roaming about and nobody was paying much attention. All of a sudden the niece yells to Donna's Mom, "Grandma, can I have some of this candy?" Everyone looked as Donna's niece was waving her birth control pills that she had taken out of Donna's purse. Well all eyes went from her niece right to me. Everyone in the room basically had just been made aware that I was having sex with Donna. Quite an embarrassing moment. I couldn't just leave, I had to kind of pretend that it did not happen and just act normal, but I felt SO awkward. If I had a shovel I would have dug myself a hole right there and hid!

Have any of you ever had an embarrassing experience like this?

Here We Go Yo, So What's the, What's the Scenario?

My friends and I always come up with "scenarios" about things we'd do for a million dollars. Some are really twisted and most of them usually involve a sexual act. It makes the lunch hour go quick and it always makes us roll with laughter. Ok here are some scenarios, decide if you'd do it or not for a million dollars cash, no taxes.

1) Picture the dirtiest, most unattractive member of the opposite sex you work with. Would you have sex with them for 30 minutes for $1 Million?

2) Picture that same person, who just played 5 hours of volleyball in sweltering 98 degree heat with 100% humidity. Would you lick them from head to toe for a million? I am talking every crack and crevace! hahaha

3) Picture this same person. Would you go an ENTIRE year parading them around to everyone you know, family, friends, co-workers, etc. telling them they were your boyfriend/girlfriend for a million? The catch is here, you can NEVER tell anyone it was a stunt for money, everyone would have to go to the grave thinking you guys truly were in love and a couple.

4) Would you have sex with a member of your gender for $1 Million?

5) Would you have sex with the most unattractive member of the same sex that you know for $1 Million??

These crack me up......ok let the bidding begin! haha

Neon Pee

I hate when you take a bunch of vitamins in the morning and forget you took them by like 11am and you go to pee and it comes out that alarming neon yellow color. For a minute you get scared and think you've been exposed to some kind of radiation before you realize it's the bunch of viatmins you took an hour or two ago. Just thought I'd share. Nothing like some good pee talk!

Crazy Shit Done For Money/Dares

I was thinking of some crazy stuff I've done over the years for either money or on a dare. You know the money deal, your buddies say, "I'll give you $20.00, if you do_______" Here are a list of things I've done or I've had my friends do for cash or a dare, some of this is pretty wacky shit.

1) The Polar Bear- I swam in the Long Island Sound on a January Night (35 degree water) for 10 minutes for $32.50 I was never so cold in my life. The deal was I had to stay in the water for 10 minutes (timed of course) and I had to be up to my shoulders in water. This was on a whim. We were coming back from a dinner somewhere and we got to talking about how cold the water must be, and you know what happens from there...everyone starts talking shit, before I knew it I was swimming.

2) Christmas in Summer- On a dare, I dressed up in a Santa Suit and got into my friend's convertible with a bunch of other friends where we cruised up and down Deer Park Avenue (which is the cruisin' strip here on LI) with Christmas music blasting at 10PM on a hot summer night. I stood in the car yelling "ho, ho, ho" and waving for about an hour. People actually reacted well, waving, blowing horns....it was actually fun.

3) Car Rodeos- For a cash jackpot we would have car rodeos in supermarket parking lots. There would be eight contestants. Each of us, one at a time, would sit on the roof of a car. The driver would then do crazy moves at high and low speeds to try to knock us off the cars. Each person was timed. The top four best times would go to the final four and of those four, there would be one grand prize winner after another round of rodeo. The prize was usually about $40 or a case of beer. There was many a night at the ER. Thankfully I never got too hurt! Just a few scrapes!

4) The Hatchet- This was just for fun too. We did this mainly in summer. My friends would dress me up in a combination of all crazy old Halloween costumes, part Superman, part goblin, part whatever was found in the garage. I looked like a total freak. I would then get a mini hatchet out of the garage and we'd all get in the car. I would then have to hide in bushes outside restaurant windows. When people would be seated in that booth by the window I'd hop out of the bushes and tap the window with the hatchet, scaring the shit out of the people eating at the booth. I would then run to the waiting getaway car and we'd speed off. One night they told me to run into a Taco Bell weilding the hatchet dressed in this freak costume. My friends said run in on the South side doors, run across the restaurant and exit the north side doors, we'll be waiting with the car there. Well, nobody told me the north side doors get locked at 9pm. It was about 9:30pm now. So I go running at top speed in one door yelling with the hatchet (people start scattering every direction).....I run at top speed toward the north side doors where the car loaded with my buddies are waiting. BOOM, I run into a locked door and fall right on my ass. Three employees of the store hop the counter and chase me back out the door I came in. I am lucky I did not get my ass kicked.

5)The Lemon Ice- So me and my friends are on a long-ass roller coaster line at Six Flags in NJ. We are bored just waiting for the line to move....when a light bulb (a very dim one) goes off in my head. There was this big steroid dude eating a lemon ice like 5 people ahead of us. I dared one of my friends (who of course was about 5'7 and all of 140lbs) to just go up to the dude, say nothing, and just take a big lick of his lemon ice. We pooled money together which totaled $26.00 and told him it was his if he did it. My friend marches up, sticks out his tongue and just licks this dude's lemon ice. This dude FLIPPED OUT! We all had to calm this guy down because he was frantic over his $2 lemon ice. We gave our buddy the $26.00 and bought the crazy dude a new ice. It was HILARIOUS!

I have plenty more of these stories, but I'll save some for a rainy day......

I'd love to hear some of yours!

"Reality" Television

What Will They Think Of Next? 

It all started with the "Real World" and has not let up. Reality television has been dominating the networks for quite a while now. We've seen it all from strangers living together, to people on an island, bachelors, bachelorettes, singing competitions, modeling competitions, nanny rescues, wife swapping, you name it. How real is this shit? I've got some ideas to make "reality" television truly real.

1) You get 5 in shape guys and 5 in shape girls, each of them has to live with a 500lb+, dirty, nasty member of the opposite sex where they have to live like husband/wife. They have to have sex, do everything couples do. Whoever holds out the longest wins the $1,000,000.

2) "Survivor Compton" You are left out in the ghetto where you have to wear racially insulting t-shirts, yell racial slogans, and piss the 'hood off. If you last a week, the cash is yours.

3) A show where you are handcuffed to a smelly, filthy person 24/7. I am talking bedtime, toilet time, dinner time, you get it......

4) Zoo reality. You have to live in a zoo cage with animals for weeks on end. Eat what they eat, live the way they live.

5) They have not had a "job" switch show yet. Maybe a lawyer works on a garbage truck for a week, a construction worker works as a CEO...that would be a riot.

6) Homeless reality, instead of an island paradise like Survivor, you have to live on city streets and be homeless and see what it's like.

7) The Biggest Gainer. Instead of a losing weight show, you take skinny people and make them fat by making them eat like crazy. Whoever gains the most wins.

Ok, I want to hear your ideas....this was fun.

Rest Up Tonight, Big Day Tomorrow!

Another Excuse To Drink! 

As if we don't have enough drinking holidays and weekends, we need a Mexican Holiday to celebrate too right? I am certain our livers will appreciate the festivities. I hope everyone gets to bed early tonight to rest up for lots of drinking that is ahead of us tomorrow! Happy Cinco De Mayo Eve everyone! Bottoms Up!

American Idol Predictions

Ok people, so who's departing tonight? Will Scott survive another week, or have people had enough already? I am placing my bets on Anthony Fedorov getting the boot tonight. I think Scott has the prison vote and the Ohio crooked ballot vote. Wouldn't it be hysterical if he actually wins this whole thing? I think Idol would be ruined.

Tonight is also that 20/20 special about Paula Abdul and that contestant from 2003. I don't think it's true. That dude is just looking to make a quick buck. I'm not sure I'd even want to bang Paula Abdul.....it would take quite a few beers.

Ok, your thoughts on Idol?

Background Music

I listen to music constantly. I wake up and head to the bathroom to get ready and showered and I turn on the radio in there. I proceed to the garage, hop in the car, and I play CD's all the way to work. At work I listen to the radio in my office all day. I can play cd's in here, but it's too much of a hassle to tote them in, so I play some cheesy local station because the radio reception sucks in this building. Why is is that every time I get on the phone or someone comes in my office, the absolute WORST song is always playing? Songs like "It's Raining Men" "Dancing Queen" and "I Will Survive?" The absolute gayest songs known to mankind always come on when I am talking to people. Rumors are going to start around here! I was on the phone yesterday and a vendor commented on the song playing...I think it was Barry Manilow....I had no real answer for their comment. I did assure them that I have an unblemished record of heterosexuality and I left it at that. They got a good chuckle. Damn, I want better reception in here! I find myself humming ABBA at the water cooler.

TRIX, No Longer Just For Kids Fuckers!

You Have Anymore In The Back? 

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. The TRIX Rabbit finally got his box of cereal. After years of torment he finally scraped up enough cash to buy himself a box. After years of selling his furry little ass on the streets for cash, he's finally come up with enough to buy himself a box of that fruity goodness. The picture above was captured by a convenience store security camera in Grand Forks, North Dakota last night. The TRIX rabbit marched in and finally got himself some TRIX. He even had enough loot for a second box, but the store was low on stock. He got his box and disappeared into the North Dakota night. After tasting the cereal he had been craving all his life, he released this statement to the press:

"Alright, first things first. I know that most of you have seen me on TV commercials throughout your childhood and probably think I'm always smiling and bouncing around like an ignorant bitch, scrambling endlessly for some stupid bowl of cereal. Well, that was the old me. I'm not proud of that time, but it's something I'm told I have to deal with, and I did.

"But Mr. Rabbit, what kind of asshole would go that crazy over a bowl of sugary cereal?", you are no doubt asking aloud. Well, I'll tell you what kind - the kind that's been BRAINWASHED over decades to believe that some crappy lumps of puffed corn with rainbow colors are the best things to happen since sliced bread and hookers.

Don't get me wrong, some people really like Trix: but those people haven't spent their whole lives trying to get their grubby little hands on just one bowl of it! For so long, they all told me, "Trix is the corn cereal with the natural taste of fruit! You can't resist the fruity flavors! You want them more than ANYTHING in the world!" And after a while, I started to believe them.

I can't even remember the amount of times I got excited about those fruity flavors: "Raspberry red, lemony yellow, orangy orange, grapity purple, lime green, wildberry blue, and watermelon" were literally haunting me. I used to have nightmares about giant grapes the size of boulders crushing me alive while cackling, "SILLY RABBIT!!! SILLY RABBIT!!!".

During one of my low points, I began fashioning nasty Trix replicas out of food coloring and rolled up lumps of cardboard. I would spend days at a time making enough pieces to fill just one bowl, then dance around in my apartment like a lunatic for a while, gloating about how I'd "finally gotten my Trix!!!" Then I'd try to eat the stuff and nearly choke to death. But just pretending to have Trix would make the pain go away, even if just for a little while. That's how pathetic I was.

But just wait, this story gets better. All the crazy get-ups and comical schemes designed to trick people into thinking I was a kid, just so I could have a taste of Trix? Well, I learned pretty early on that I wasn't getting anywhere with that junk. No matter how clever a scheme I came up with, some random little fucker would always expose me and PHYSICALLY TAKE the Trix from me, calling me a "silly rabbit" and asserting that Trix are just for kids. Oh, how I wanted to kick their little asses or send them packing to the Neverland Ranch.

For so long, I'd just fume for a while after each of these episodes, then dream up a new crazy plan. I knew they weren't going to work, I guess I just kept doing it because I didn't know anything else. I mean, I can't remember a time when I wasn't "working" for General Mills. Of course, it's more like slavery. But that's a story for another time. I decided I needed to change my angle. No more messing around with pirate costumes and stupid kids. I needed to go professional. So I saved up my meager salary for a while, nights of walking the streets strutting my furry little ass.

Well, I finally bought this Trix and HATED it. The stuff tastes like ass! I was expecting a fuckin' high or something: it's a bunch of puffed corn dyed different colors with faint flavoring. In fact, the stuff all tastes the same, there's no difference between "raspberry red" and "lemony yellow", except for the fact that one looks like an oblong lump and the other is some kind of weird bumpy triangle. Here I had been preaching for half a freaking century about all the "fruity flavors", and the stuff ends up tasting like a giant lump of shit, lightly sprinkled over a tiny bit of tasteless puffy corn. I had just learned that my entire adult life up to this point was a complete and utter WASTE.
.
And don't even get me STARTED on discrimination issues. I had to sit and watch while hundreds of kids were openly handed bowls of deliciously fruity -- see, I'm doing it again -- of SHITTY Trix cereal, then told to eat them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The reason? I'm not a kid. I'm a rabbit. I can't begin to imagine how many laws that's in violation of. But I don't want to get political here.

By the way, didn't anyone ever realize the sick irony of making me the spokes rabbit for Trix, but NEVER LETTING ME TASTE IT?!? What marketing wizard came up with THAT gem? How am I supposed to accurately depict the quality of a cereal I've never eaten?!? Idiots.

I'm ashamed to know that for so long, I was an advocate of such a low-grade, mass-produced pile of shit. I was the unwitting puppet of the General Mills corporation, and for that I apologize to you, the masses. I beg of you you, stop the anti-rabbit discrimination, and stop supporting the grandiose delusions of cereals like Trix. Yeah, more like "Shit in a box".

T. Rabbit

Low Morale In EVERY Profession

We Want Better Working Conditions Boss! 

I got a kick out of this story today. Apparently the insurgent terrorists in Iraq sent a letter to their boss (Abu Musab al-Zarqawi) complaining about morale. The letter was intercepted by the US Military. This cracks me up. I thought my job was the only place with low morale. What could they have to bitch about? I am trapped in an office all day, they get to roam about. They get to chill with their terrorist buddies all day, hang out, work when they want. They aren't dealing with phones, e-mails, faxes, and bullshit all day. Low morale my ass.

What would cause terrorists to complain to their boss? Not enough explosives? Eighteen hour sniper shifts with no coffee break? Suicide cars that need a jump start before heading out? No pension plan? The 90's model rocket launchers? I'd like to know. What kind of project manager is this Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? He certainly will be fired at the next boardroom meeting.

Good News for al-Zarqawi is that he just saved a load of money on his car insurance by switching to GEICO.

Bitchin' About Bananas

Yeah, I am going to discuss bananas, you have a problem with that?

Bananas are a pain in the ass to buy. If you buy them too green you have to wait like three fuckin' days before the banana is even close to edible. If you buy them yellow, they are good for about two or three days and they rot and turn brown. I am starving right now with a green banana on my fuckin' desk that is of no use to me. I like a banana in the morning for breakfast. Basically, I am shit out of luck today. Last week, they all rotted before I got to eat them all so this week I figured hmmmmm I'll buy them a bit greener, now the fuckers refuse to ripen. I guess fruit is now a fuckin' gamble. The fuckin' produce aisle is now a damn casino.

E-Mail Chain Letters

Is anyone sick of those STUPID chain letters or forwarded e-mails that pop up in your inbox from people you know? When I see the subject heading with the letters FW in it, I cringe. Unless you are forwarding me pictures of your girlfriend naked or something really good to look at, leave me off the list!

E-chain letters have been around since e-mail began. You've seen them before: Send this e-mail to 15 people in 5 minutes and you will have good luck for a year, send it to 10 people and you will have good luck for a month, send it to 5 people and have good luck for a week, send it to no one and you die a bloody and painful death with forks jammed in your head. Ugh, I hate them so much. But...maybe my lack of forwarding e-mails along is why I work a job where I am underpaid and I meet crazy girls. I suppose that explains the 24 piece fork set protruding from my head also.

The newest fad is to send that ugly yellow ribbon, the one for "Our Troops", via e-mail and say that if you don't forward it on you are a communist bastard that wants our troops to die in bloody combat in Iraq. Or maybe they are about Iraq itself and give a couple images of soldiers standing next to a child, smiling, or a guy petting an Iraqi dog. These e-mails usually say something about how God is watching over them and that if you send this e-mail to 100 people the war might end and God will come down from the Heavens and turn all Iraqi infidels into kind and caring citizens. I hate these e-mails. I delete them. Every American supports our troops, even if we are against the war. They didn't start it and have nothing to do with the bureaucrats and politicians who play a game of Risk with the world. I don't need to forward a yellow ribbon along electronically or plaster one to my car to prove I care.

As an experiment, I created a chain letter myself. I made it just as annoying full of cliche drivel such as the shit that appears in my inbox everyday. I even put "return this to me to prove that you are a good friend" like A LOT of similar e-mails. I made it so cheery and upbeat that you couldn't tell it was made by a cynical bastard like me. But here's the twist: at the end of the e-mail, in small font but plainly in sight I put the words: If you send this e-mail back to me, I'll fucking hunt you down and kill you, you piece of shit. I hope you learn to either stop forwarding messages through the internet or rot in Hell like a serial killer.

And guess what? I got the e-mail back from almost everyone I sent it to. Sigh. It's probably out infesting the world as we speak.

If you see this e-mail or any other e-mail that requires you to forward it on, do me a favor and NOT send it to me, okay? Because I WILL hunt you down and kick your ass.

Forgive and Forget??

The Latest In Bridal Fashion... 

Well, we have all heard the Runaway Bitch, I mean Runaway Bride story by now. The latest is that her fiance forgives her and was quoted as saying that "we all mess up, we all make mistakes." Apparently this dude still wants to marry her despite her lies and bullshit. Would you forgive this person if she (or if it was a he) did this to you?

I found this website that defines forgiveness as the following:

Based on Philosophical, Traditional (Hebrew, Christian, Islamic, Confucian, and Buddhist traditions, among others), Psychological and Developmental principles. Gleaned from a large survey of readings, professional dialogue, and stories of forgiveness written by volunteers.

1.What it is:

Moral
It is a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).
It is a turning to the "good" in the face of this wrongdoing.

Goodwill
Merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
Generosity or offering good things such as: attention, time, remembrances on holidays.
Moral Love or contributing to the betterment of the other.

Paradoxical
It is the foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.
As we give the gift of forgiveness we ourselves are healed.
Beyond duty
A freely chosen gift (rather than a grim obligation).
The overcoming of wrongdoing with good.

2. What it is not:

Forgetting/Denial
Time passing/ignoring the effects of the wrongdoing.

Condoning
Nothing that bad happened. It was only this one time. It won't happen again.

Excusing
The person did this because.....it wasn't really their responsibility.

Condemning
She/he deserves to know they have wronged me.
"Forgiving" with a sense of moral superiority.

Seeking Justice or Compensation
Forgiveness is not a quid pro quo deal--it doesn't demand compensation first.

3. Important Distinction:

Forgiveness: One person's moral response to another's injustice
Reconciliation: Two parties coming together in mutual respect

Pretty Interesting.

What's the biggest act/behavior/thing that someone did to you that you were able to forgive? I am a pretty forgiving person but I NEVER forget what someone did and usually my trust is eroded with that person to a point. If the person shows genuine remorse for what they did and can rebuild the trust I can be very forgiving, but I don't like it when people never genuinely apologize and still make excuses for what they did, that pisses me off. I think forgiving takes up a great deal less energy than holding a grudge. There are, however, certain behaviors that can't be forgiven. I have a huge issue with liars. People who lie straight to my face over and over, then justify it with bullshit excuses really bother me. I usually don't forgive liars. A white lie is one thing, I am talking about pure deceit.

Can you forgive liars, cheats, or other acts?

10 Reasons The Yankees Are Finished

All Good Things Must Come To An End 

What's happened to my beloved Yankees? It's sad to say, but the dynasty/run is officially over. A few weeks ago, I thought it was just the spring rust that needed to be shaken off. I have watched closely the past two weeks, this team is done.

The Beatles once sang that "Money Can't Buy You Love" and I agree with that. Money also can't buy you a championship. Players have to want it in their hearts, this team doesn't. Their payroll is $200 Million and it means absolutely nothing. The Yankees as we knew them from 1996-2004 are done, finished, and have departed. It was a great run. I suffered as a child from 1982-1995 without seeing them make the playoffs. They won't make it this year for the first time since. Here are my 10 reasons the Yankees are done:

10) Farm System- The farm system is what built the dynasty. Home grown players like Jeter, Bernie, Mariano, and Petitte were the corner stones of the dynasty. The only thing the Yanks have left in their farm system are a couple of hens and maybe a cow or two. They have traded all their young talent away over the years for high priced superstars, many of which were past their prime.

9) Mariano- Opposing teams no longer fear Rivera. They know he is beatable. Years ago batters were out before they even stepped to the plate because of the aura he once had. He is a hall of famer for sure and maybe the best closer of all time. He has aged and he was at the top of his game for longer than any other reliever in baseball history. He is not the same. He is no longer dominant.

8) Mike Mussina- This guy is no longer the great pitcher he once was. He gives up too many hits, walks too many batters. He makes close to $20 Million a year and he is no longer worth it. He is past his prime and no longer a key component to the team.

7) Bernie Williams- Once my favorite yankee, Bernie could cover more ground than a John Deer tractor. He has slowed down to a snail's pace. He is a switch hitter that can no longer be a threat from the left side of the plate. His throwing arm is gone. It's tough to watch a great guy like Bernie deteriorate right before our eyes.

6) Jason Giambi- What a waste. The guy had everything going for him. Once an MVP, Giambi took steroids then had to cycle off of them and his body is paying the price. He is making about $19 Million a season and can't even make contact with the ball. His fielding at first is a disgrace and he only DH's now.

5) Teams no longer fear the Yankees- After the Marlins World Series victory at Yankee Stadium in 2003 and the biggest collapse in baseball history against the Red Sox last year, teams know they can come into the stadium and beat the Yankees. They are no longer feared by opponents.

4) Too Many "Superstars"- The team has no chemistry and no heart. The team has too many big egos in the clubhouse and they don't work well as a unit. Nobody seems hungry to win like back in the 90's. Too many big egos and big salaries are a recipe for disaster.

3) The Bench- What bench? Who's a threat coming off the bench? John Flahrety? Rey Sanchez? Bubba Crosby? They have NO depth at all.

2) The Curse of the Bambino is over- After the collapse last year against the Red Sox, the whole mystique and aura in Yankee Stadium is not the same. It just has a different feel. It's just weird, the World Champion Red Sox.

1) The Curse of A-Rod- Sure he'll hit you THREE homeruns against The Angels, he'll smack one when the Yanks are up 10-2 or losing 13-3. This guy is not clutch and can't handle NY. He's been a cancer everywhere he's played. He leaves Seattle and they win 116 games, he leaves Texas, suddenly they contend for the division/wild card last year, he comes to the Yanks and they collapse to the Red Sox. He is a selfish cancer on the team. They should have kept Soriano.

Love, Love, Love

Based on my daily conversations and interactions with people from all walks of life, I really feel strongly that the one area in most people's lives that causes stress and takes up most of their time and energy is one of the following:

1) Trying to get someone to be with you/love you
2) Trying to maintain a relationship/keep someone interested
3) Finding the "right" person for you
4) Trying to "change" someone
5) Stressing out/hoping someone will leave someone else for you


Loves Me, Loves Me Not 

THE FIVE MYTHS OF LOVE:

1. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL MEET ALL MY NEEDS.
Even if you have found your "soul mate," one person cannot be the sole source of your satisfaction. That's too big a burden, and impossible besides. Your partner is a human being, not an all-knowing, all-compassionate, love machine. You'll need multiple sources - God, friends, family, a strong sense of life purpose, healthy self esteem, and a willingness to take responsibility for your own happiness.


2. I CAN CHANGE MY PARTNER.
OK, out there, hands up if you've ever tried this one. Did it work? Both men and women fall prey to this delusional temptation. There is only one person you can change. Guess who it is? There's a famous quote, "Be not angry that you cannot make another as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."


3. LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.
Though love is ultra-powerful in its pure and spiritual form, the feelings we call love can be ultra-fragile in the face of major differences in values, backgrounds, behavioral styles, and personal habits. Courageously face those differences and their practical implications before making a commitment. (I hear a resounding "Amen!" from those who did not!)


4. LOVE IS A FEELING.
I hinted at this one a moment ago. Yes, real love contains feelings, but those butterfly-in-the-stomach, heart-throbbing feelings ebb and flow. Love is a verb. It's about doing - even in those temporary times when you inconveniently don't have wonderful feelings to stimulate the positive action.


5. WE'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
There's an additional hidden assumption here: If it's real love, you won't have to work at it. Even the best relationships have potholes, tragedies, and disappointments. As Shakespeare said, "The true course of love will never run smooth." Truth is, a marriage certificate is really a work permit. Sometimes the most important thoughts we have are those that contradict our emotions. In every stage of a relationship, especially in the early stages, love can be blind.

Get real in your expectations, and you can save yourself from many unnecessary disappointments.

Weekends Go WAY Too Fast....

The Sun Sets On Another Weekend... 

Well, it's Sunday Night and the sun is setting. I took the above picture a few minutes ago down the block. Is it me or do the weekends really go way too fast? Two work days go SO SLOW and NEVER END! Two days at home go so fast.

This weekend it rained from Friday Night until this afternoon, so the sun you see in the picture we only saw for about 6 hours this weekend. That blows. We got spoiled with 75 degree temperatures for two weekends, now the last TWO weekends have been stormy. I hate rain on weekends. It BETTER be a good, hot beach summer!

Despite the rain and the Yankees losing two out of three to the BLUE JAYS, it was a pretty good weekend. Lots of drinking, lots of cooking, a pretty ok weekend overall. What makes it better, I have tomorrow OFF! (It's supposed to rain again though) Still beats a day in the office!