Sounds of the Season

There's Something About That Bell...... 

Well, NOW spring is officially here. Sure we've had 70 degree temperatures here in NY, baseball started over a month ago, and the flowers are starting to bloom. Tonight it became official as I saw the ice cream man pass the house for the first time this year. There's something about that music or ringing bell that lures us from whatever we are doing.

Remember when you were a kid? The Ice Cream Man was like a living legend. You suddenly developed a bionic ear and could hear him about four miles away. Everything came to a halt when you heard that bell, baseball games, kickball games, hide and seek, you name it. As soon as that bell rang or music was heard, kids scattered in every direction to head home for money. The ice cream man is the kid's version of a crack dealer. People go ape shit for ice cream. In my house we ALWAYS had a freezer full of ice cream, yet there was something about getting it from the ice cream man that was special. Suddenly the five gallons of ice cream in the freezer at home was not good enough. The shitty stuff the ice cream man sold was suddenly better.

The ice cream man was usually an older dude. He at least wore something that said "Good Humor" on it. Now the ice cream man is like a 20-something dude in jeans and a wife beater. What the fuck is that all about? The prices are insane too. A chipwich is like $3 now.

I used to love to torment the ice cream man. The standard abuse was to yell "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of your lungs out your bedroom window when he'd pass. He would jam the breaks, not knowing where the voice came from. His truck would buck and come to a stop, where he'd sit patiently and wait for his $1.00 sale, but I'd never go out. I would test him to see how long he was willing to wait. As he started to drive away after the four minute wait.....I'd yell, "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!" again and the moron would stop and wait again until he finally caught on that we were fucking with him. Those were the days. I may actually try that again this year from my deck...just for old time's sake.

Just Flush!

Why do people find it so difficult to flush a toilet after they go? There's NOTHING worse than going into a public bathroom, especially at work, on a Monday, to see that someone did not flush after they went. What is wrong with people? It's 2005 and how many years has indoor plumbing been a staple in homes and businesses? Yet these fuckers can't flush? There are just some things I will never understand. People not flushing, people not washing their hands after they go, people who still wear Member's Only Jackets, people that have 1980's hair styles, people with body odor, I just don't get it!

Anyone caught not flushing should be exiled to a fuckin' hole in the ground out in the parking lot to take care of their business. Let the fucker squat in the lot as traffic passes by. Odds are, they won't even care....

I Love Music and I Couldn't Resist This....

I got this fun little music profile from Molly's site. Thanks! You choose one of your favorite bands or musical artists and use their song titles to answer the following questions:

NAME OF BAND: BILLY JOEL

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE: "AN INNOCENT MAN"

DESCRIBE YOURSELF: "THE ENTERTAINER"

HOW DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT YOU: "I GO TO EXTREMES"

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF: "KEEPING THE FAITH"

DESCRIBE AN EX GIRLFRIEND: "MODERN WOMAN"

DESCRIBE CURRENT GIRL: "STATE OF GRACE"

DESCRIBE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE: "SUMMER HIGHLAND FALLS"

DESCRIBE HOW YOU LIVE: "RIVER OF DREAMS"

DESCRIBE HOW YOU LOVE: "THROUGH THE LONG NIGHT"

SHARE A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM: "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG"

This was fun!

You Have Entered......"The Blue-Light Zone"

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Awkward Situation

Every Saturday is food shopping day. Food shopping is something I actually enjoy. I've loved it ever since I moved out on my own at age 19. It's wonderful having the ENTIRE store at your disposal and the ability to buy whatever you want. Back when you were like five, you'd be strapped in that child seat asking for everything you saw and you always got the lecture by Mom or Dad as to why you couldn't have 14 kinds of cookies. Food shopping as an adult is great, you can buy whatever you want and as much as you want.

When I get to the checkout I like to bag my own groceries. I have a system and I like to keep frozen stuff together, cleaning products together, etc. Four out of the last six or so times I've gone shopping, I've had this disabled kid as a bagger who insisted on bagging my groceries for me. Let me preface my story by saying that I think it's wonderful that young people with disabilities are out working and being independent. Over the years some of my best employees were those with autism, cerebral palsy, or down's syndrome. Honestly, when I really need help while shopping in any store or in a fast food place, I always seek out the disabled worker because of their willingness and eagerness to help. They are really into their jobs and are wonderful to interact with.


Watch My Eggs, FUCKER! 

The issue I had today and the last four times this kid bagged my groceries was that he fucked everything up. I am talking bread with 2-liter diet cokes, pineapples with paper towels, cheese with Tide detergent, just an entire fuck up. Not to mention he created 20 bags, when there should have been maybe 10. The awkward part of it is, can I really say something without being politically incorrect? I know the guy is trying and I was actually bagging my own today when he appeared out of virtually nowhere, nudged me out of the way and took over the operation. I was cringing as I saw english muffins go into the bag with a half gallon of OJ right behind it. I basically had to sit there and bite my tongue as not to offend him, the cashier, or the people behind me on the line, if I said something or showed him what he was doing wrong. It's a shame that in 2005 you basically have to watch everything you say or do even if your intentions are good, in fear of offending someone. So, I wheeled my $110.00 worth of crushed groceries to the car, and headed home.

Anyone up for a 1cm thick english muffin? How about some crushed grapes? Personally, the fresh strawberry jam that was made from my fresh strawberries being pummeled by a whole watermelon is my favorite. Perhaps I can spread that on the new "Ultra-Thin" Thomas's English Muffins I now have.

You Start To See Things Differently

Happy Saturday to all. Another shitty, rainy one here in good ol' NY.....but a rainy day not having to go to work still beats a picture perfect day at the office.

I read a post over at the Freaky Virgin's blog this morning which got me thinking. So, I figured I'd elaborate on my thoughts.

As a guy in my early 30's, it's cool to look back on the wildness of my 20's. That's not to say I am not still wild and crazy at times, but as you mature, you see the world differently. When I was in my late teens and 20's I had a thought process that many guys do at that age.....never turn down a piece of ass when you have the opportunity. Even if the girl wasn't your "type" so to speak, you still thought it was cool to hook up just to hook up because it made you feel good and you felt like you had to get this craziness out of your system before you got married and settled down. You had sex just to have sex when you weren't in a committed relationship and in your own mind it was acceptable.

Now that I am in my early 30's and have seen more female ass than a ladies room toilet seat at Macy's on a sale day, you realize what's really important. It isn't about just banging anyone that gives you the opportunity, it's about things a lot deeper. Sure, I still have a VERY high sex drive and am horny all the time just like most guys, but now I think beyond just the moment. In my 20's I thought just of that moment, getting laid, and that's it. Now I think of the aggravation involved if you hook up with someone that likes you but it's someone you are not really into. The phone calls afterward, and everything else that goes along with it. In 15 minutes I could just jerk-off and save myself the trouble. It's simpler and I don't have to deal with bullshit afterwards. Masturbation is and always will be king. It keeps you out of LOTS of trouble.

On a serious note though, you do see things differently as you mature. Now it's about being with a girl that you are really into. Someone you have a strong connection with, someone you can be yourself with, someone you can laugh your ass off with, someone who understands me, someone who brings out the best in me and who I bring out the best in. Someone who after I have sex with for hours, there is actually shit to talk about afterwards. Yeah it's about love but it's also about who you can most tolerate. I know that sounds wacky, but it's true. How many times have we been with someone we can only take in doses? Someone, although nice, and attractive, just gets under your skin after a while. We have all been there. Guys, when you find a girl you are attracted to, who is funny, who you can actually talk to, and who you can tolerate for long periods of time, marry her. Seriously.

Yeah, we have to be sexually compatible with our choice of partner, but that's only one component. A freak shouldn't marry a prude...we know that is a recipe for disaster. Unless someone is REALLY bad sexually, isn't it all the same? Isn't it more about how you feel about that person that makes you get into things more both sexually and non sexually anyway? I'd rather have a cute girl who knows what she's doing sexually, who I have a blast with ALL the time than a "HOT" girl who's a pro in bed, but who offers nothing in other areas of life, it's that simple and that's where my mind is now. Suuuuuure, while I am running down on the beach daily I see hot girls everywhere and think "Wow, I'd love to have her on all fours" or some other nasty guy thought...but when I really think about what makes me happiest it's just being with someone I can share things with, laugh, have fun, experience things with, and just be myself with. That lasts a lot longer than a few nights of just banging one of the beach bitches only to find out that's all they have to offer.

I like where I am at now in life. I like thinking with a mature mind. Trust me, I love all the experiences I've had both good and bad. I am smarter, tougher, and happier because of them. You bet your ass I still have fun and get rowdy, but I enjoy it more now because of where I've been and what I've seen in life so far. Knowledge, experience, and maturity make you feel more complete and confident.

Ok, that's my Saturday speech...... :)

Classic Phone Scam: Free Turkeys For All!

Here's Another Classic Revisited:

Back in the 80's when I was a kid and into the very early 90's my friends and I were the kings of prank phone calls and practical jokes. I actually still have over two hours of some of these calls on tape which are hilarious. Many of my friends and co-workers over the years have heard these tapes and thought they were a riot. I was doing these tapes long before "The Jerky Boys" and many other phone scam artists. I have so many favorites. One of them is this crazy prank we played on a butcher shop two days before Thanksgiving in 1988. This butcher shop would always put a HUGE weekly ad in the local papers advertising their shop. So one day around 3pm my brother and I got a crazy idea. I picked up the phone and dialed the butcher shop. A guy answered by saying "ABC(fictional name) Meats, Craig speaking may I help you." I hung up, all I wanted was a person's name that worked there. My brother and I then proceeded to call approximately 75 homes in the vicinity of the butcher shop that we found in the white pages. We told each person that we were Craig from ABC Meats and that they had won a free 25lb Thanksgiving turkey in a raffle that we had conducted by taking local names out of the phone book. Almost every person we called was so excited that they had won a turkey and asked how to claim their prize. I told them to simply come down to the shop with ID and claim their turkey. Well, after about 75 calls, we decided to call ABC Meats to see what was going on. A very winded Craig answered the phone "ABC MEATS, may I help you." In the background you heard people yelling and screaming, the other phone lines ringing off the hook. I said to Craig, "Hi Craig, I am calling to verify that I won a free 25lb turkey", he said "Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on, I have about 30 people in here asking for free turkeys, the phone is ringing off the hook with people confirming winning a turkey, I'M NOT GIVING AWAY ANY GOD DAMN TURKEYS!!!!!!!" and he hung up. Poor Bastard.......that is one of my favorites...I'll share more with you over time.

Classic Phone Scam: The Free Lawnmower

An Oldie But a GOODIE!!!!!!

Another one of my favorite phone scams was the "free lawnmower" call. My brother and I called the neighbor across the street from our house. We told him we were from Sears at the local mall. We told him that we had conducted a raffle for a brand new Sears Craftsman lawnmower. He claimed he did not enter any raffle and seemed a little reluctant to claim his prize. We assured him it was legit and that we had taken the names of all our Sears charge customers and did various "Customer Appreciation" raffles. He said, ok, "What's the Catch." I said, well there is a catch. All you have to do is trade in your old lawnmower and we'll upgrade you to a brand new Sears Craftsman. He started laughing and said, "You can have my old mower, it's 10 years old, now what do I do to get my new mower?" We told him to bring his old lawnmower and 2 forms of ID to the local Sears to claim his prize within the next 4 hours. About 20 minutes after we hung up with him, the neighbor and his son were hoisting the old mower on top of their station wagon and tying it down. They drove off with the mower tied to the car's roof and headed for Sears. About 40 minutes later, they came back, visibly angry, with the SAME old mower tied to their car. They untied it, threw it in the garage, slammed the garage door, and went inside. A classic indeed.

Friday Hodgepodge

Just some random stuff for this Friday:

Why do athletes especially baseball players point to the sky (to God) after they hit a home run? Do they think God was a factor in that home run? Why don't they point up to God after they make a game ending error or strike out? With all the messed up shit going on in the world, do they really think God cares about a Royals/Twins day game? I don't think God gets too involved in trivial shit. Just this morning I saw a "Church of God" van broken down on the side of the parkway, obviously, God's not involved in these small matters.....

There's an urban legend that says porn stars get their names from a wacky source. Apparently their first name is the name of their first pet growing up and the last name is the name of the street they grew up on. In that case, my porn name is Pete Hyman. What's yours?

Why do douche bags on three or four lane highways wait until the absolute last second to go from the left lane all the way to the right lane to exit? Don't they realize a half mile back that their exit is approaching? Fuckers. They deserve a mouthful of pop rocks and soda.

People will eat anything that is free, whether they are hungry or not. I randomly clean out my cabinets and bring stuff into work and place it on the counter in the breakroom, stuff vanishes within minutes! I am convinced that if someone shit on that counter, people would ask where the crackers and butter knife was.

Ok.....more later. TGIF everyone, enjoy!

Just Start Digging!

Can't Dig Fast Enough! 

Have you ever gotten yourself in such an awkward or embarrassing situation that your only option to escape it would have been to have dug yourself a hole and hid in it? I mean where all eyes were focused on you and you could not go anywhere and you were mortified over something? I have a great story from when I was about 19 years old.

I was dating this girl named Donna. She was about a year and a half younger than me. She was my first real "girlfriend" and I was her first boyfriend. We were also each other's first sexual partner. At the time of this story I had been dating her about a year and a half and we had just started having sex about six months prior to what I am about to mention. In addition to condoms, we thought it may be wise for her to go on the pill as well, just to be safe. So she went to the doctor and went on the pill. Keep in mind, she came from a strict Italian family and her parents had NO idea she was having sex. After all she was 18 and I was 19.

She had a sister who was married with a small child. Her niece was adorable and Donna and I would take her everywhere. Her niece had a curious side of her, as all kids do and would get into everything. So, one night I was invited to a huge family dinner at Donna's home. ALL of her relatives were there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Siblings, Grandparents, and of course, her parents. So we had just finished dinner and everyone was sitting around talking. Donna's little niece was roaming about and nobody was paying much attention. All of a sudden the niece yells to Donna's Mom, "Grandma, can I have some of this candy?" Everyone looked as Donna's niece was waving her birth control pills that she had taken out of Donna's purse. Well all eyes went from her niece right to me. Everyone in the room basically had just been made aware that I was having sex with Donna. Quite an embarrassing moment. I couldn't just leave, I had to kind of pretend that it did not happen and just act normal, but I felt SO awkward. If I had a shovel I would have dug myself a hole right there and hid!

Have any of you ever had an embarrassing experience like this?

Here We Go Yo, So What's the, What's the Scenario?

My friends and I always come up with "scenarios" about things we'd do for a million dollars. Some are really twisted and most of them usually involve a sexual act. It makes the lunch hour go quick and it always makes us roll with laughter. Ok here are some scenarios, decide if you'd do it or not for a million dollars cash, no taxes.

1) Picture the dirtiest, most unattractive member of the opposite sex you work with. Would you have sex with them for 30 minutes for $1 Million?

2) Picture that same person, who just played 5 hours of volleyball in sweltering 98 degree heat with 100% humidity. Would you lick them from head to toe for a million? I am talking every crack and crevace! hahaha

3) Picture this same person. Would you go an ENTIRE year parading them around to everyone you know, family, friends, co-workers, etc. telling them they were your boyfriend/girlfriend for a million? The catch is here, you can NEVER tell anyone it was a stunt for money, everyone would have to go to the grave thinking you guys truly were in love and a couple.

4) Would you have sex with a member of your gender for $1 Million?

5) Would you have sex with the most unattractive member of the same sex that you know for $1 Million??

These crack me up......ok let the bidding begin! haha

Neon Pee

I hate when you take a bunch of vitamins in the morning and forget you took them by like 11am and you go to pee and it comes out that alarming neon yellow color. For a minute you get scared and think you've been exposed to some kind of radiation before you realize it's the bunch of viatmins you took an hour or two ago. Just thought I'd share. Nothing like some good pee talk!

Crazy Shit Done For Money/Dares

I was thinking of some crazy stuff I've done over the years for either money or on a dare. You know the money deal, your buddies say, "I'll give you $20.00, if you do_______" Here are a list of things I've done or I've had my friends do for cash or a dare, some of this is pretty wacky shit.

1) The Polar Bear- I swam in the Long Island Sound on a January Night (35 degree water) for 10 minutes for $32.50 I was never so cold in my life. The deal was I had to stay in the water for 10 minutes (timed of course) and I had to be up to my shoulders in water. This was on a whim. We were coming back from a dinner somewhere and we got to talking about how cold the water must be, and you know what happens from there...everyone starts talking shit, before I knew it I was swimming.

2) Christmas in Summer- On a dare, I dressed up in a Santa Suit and got into my friend's convertible with a bunch of other friends where we cruised up and down Deer Park Avenue (which is the cruisin' strip here on LI) with Christmas music blasting at 10PM on a hot summer night. I stood in the car yelling "ho, ho, ho" and waving for about an hour. People actually reacted well, waving, blowing horns....it was actually fun.

3) Car Rodeos- For a cash jackpot we would have car rodeos in supermarket parking lots. There would be eight contestants. Each of us, one at a time, would sit on the roof of a car. The driver would then do crazy moves at high and low speeds to try to knock us off the cars. Each person was timed. The top four best times would go to the final four and of those four, there would be one grand prize winner after another round of rodeo. The prize was usually about $40 or a case of beer. There was many a night at the ER. Thankfully I never got too hurt! Just a few scrapes!

4) The Hatchet- This was just for fun too. We did this mainly in summer. My friends would dress me up in a combination of all crazy old Halloween costumes, part Superman, part goblin, part whatever was found in the garage. I looked like a total freak. I would then get a mini hatchet out of the garage and we'd all get in the car. I would then have to hide in bushes outside restaurant windows. When people would be seated in that booth by the window I'd hop out of the bushes and tap the window with the hatchet, scaring the shit out of the people eating at the booth. I would then run to the waiting getaway car and we'd speed off. One night they told me to run into a Taco Bell weilding the hatchet dressed in this freak costume. My friends said run in on the South side doors, run across the restaurant and exit the north side doors, we'll be waiting with the car there. Well, nobody told me the north side doors get locked at 9pm. It was about 9:30pm now. So I go running at top speed in one door yelling with the hatchet (people start scattering every direction).....I run at top speed toward the north side doors where the car loaded with my buddies are waiting. BOOM, I run into a locked door and fall right on my ass. Three employees of the store hop the counter and chase me back out the door I came in. I am lucky I did not get my ass kicked.

5)The Lemon Ice- So me and my friends are on a long-ass roller coaster line at Six Flags in NJ. We are bored just waiting for the line to move....when a light bulb (a very dim one) goes off in my head. There was this big steroid dude eating a lemon ice like 5 people ahead of us. I dared one of my friends (who of course was about 5'7 and all of 140lbs) to just go up to the dude, say nothing, and just take a big lick of his lemon ice. We pooled money together which totaled $26.00 and told him it was his if he did it. My friend marches up, sticks out his tongue and just licks this dude's lemon ice. This dude FLIPPED OUT! We all had to calm this guy down because he was frantic over his $2 lemon ice. We gave our buddy the $26.00 and bought the crazy dude a new ice. It was HILARIOUS!

I have plenty more of these stories, but I'll save some for a rainy day......

I'd love to hear some of yours!

"Reality" Television

What Will They Think Of Next? 

It all started with the "Real World" and has not let up. Reality television has been dominating the networks for quite a while now. We've seen it all from strangers living together, to people on an island, bachelors, bachelorettes, singing competitions, modeling competitions, nanny rescues, wife swapping, you name it. How real is this shit? I've got some ideas to make "reality" television truly real.

1) You get 5 in shape guys and 5 in shape girls, each of them has to live with a 500lb+, dirty, nasty member of the opposite sex where they have to live like husband/wife. They have to have sex, do everything couples do. Whoever holds out the longest wins the $1,000,000.

2) "Survivor Compton" You are left out in the ghetto where you have to wear racially insulting t-shirts, yell racial slogans, and piss the 'hood off. If you last a week, the cash is yours.

3) A show where you are handcuffed to a smelly, filthy person 24/7. I am talking bedtime, toilet time, dinner time, you get it......

4) Zoo reality. You have to live in a zoo cage with animals for weeks on end. Eat what they eat, live the way they live.

5) They have not had a "job" switch show yet. Maybe a lawyer works on a garbage truck for a week, a construction worker works as a CEO...that would be a riot.

6) Homeless reality, instead of an island paradise like Survivor, you have to live on city streets and be homeless and see what it's like.

7) The Biggest Gainer. Instead of a losing weight show, you take skinny people and make them fat by making them eat like crazy. Whoever gains the most wins.

Ok, I want to hear your ideas....this was fun.

Rest Up Tonight, Big Day Tomorrow!

Another Excuse To Drink! 

As if we don't have enough drinking holidays and weekends, we need a Mexican Holiday to celebrate too right? I am certain our livers will appreciate the festivities. I hope everyone gets to bed early tonight to rest up for lots of drinking that is ahead of us tomorrow! Happy Cinco De Mayo Eve everyone! Bottoms Up!

American Idol Predictions

Ok people, so who's departing tonight? Will Scott survive another week, or have people had enough already? I am placing my bets on Anthony Fedorov getting the boot tonight. I think Scott has the prison vote and the Ohio crooked ballot vote. Wouldn't it be hysterical if he actually wins this whole thing? I think Idol would be ruined.

Tonight is also that 20/20 special about Paula Abdul and that contestant from 2003. I don't think it's true. That dude is just looking to make a quick buck. I'm not sure I'd even want to bang Paula Abdul.....it would take quite a few beers.

Ok, your thoughts on Idol?

Background Music

I listen to music constantly. I wake up and head to the bathroom to get ready and showered and I turn on the radio in there. I proceed to the garage, hop in the car, and I play CD's all the way to work. At work I listen to the radio in my office all day. I can play cd's in here, but it's too much of a hassle to tote them in, so I play some cheesy local station because the radio reception sucks in this building. Why is is that every time I get on the phone or someone comes in my office, the absolute WORST song is always playing? Songs like "It's Raining Men" "Dancing Queen" and "I Will Survive?" The absolute gayest songs known to mankind always come on when I am talking to people. Rumors are going to start around here! I was on the phone yesterday and a vendor commented on the song playing...I think it was Barry Manilow....I had no real answer for their comment. I did assure them that I have an unblemished record of heterosexuality and I left it at that. They got a good chuckle. Damn, I want better reception in here! I find myself humming ABBA at the water cooler.

TRIX, No Longer Just For Kids Fuckers!

You Have Anymore In The Back? 

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. The TRIX Rabbit finally got his box of cereal. After years of torment he finally scraped up enough cash to buy himself a box. After years of selling his furry little ass on the streets for cash, he's finally come up with enough to buy himself a box of that fruity goodness. The picture above was captured by a convenience store security camera in Grand Forks, North Dakota last night. The TRIX rabbit marched in and finally got himself some TRIX. He even had enough loot for a second box, but the store was low on stock. He got his box and disappeared into the North Dakota night. After tasting the cereal he had been craving all his life, he released this statement to the press:

"Alright, first things first. I know that most of you have seen me on TV commercials throughout your childhood and probably think I'm always smiling and bouncing around like an ignorant bitch, scrambling endlessly for some stupid bowl of cereal. Well, that was the old me. I'm not proud of that time, but it's something I'm told I have to deal with, and I did.

"But Mr. Rabbit, what kind of asshole would go that crazy over a bowl of sugary cereal?", you are no doubt asking aloud. Well, I'll tell you what kind - the kind that's been BRAINWASHED over decades to believe that some crappy lumps of puffed corn with rainbow colors are the best things to happen since sliced bread and hookers.

Don't get me wrong, some people really like Trix: but those people haven't spent their whole lives trying to get their grubby little hands on just one bowl of it! For so long, they all told me, "Trix is the corn cereal with the natural taste of fruit! You can't resist the fruity flavors! You want them more than ANYTHING in the world!" And after a while, I started to believe them.

I can't even remember the amount of times I got excited about those fruity flavors: "Raspberry red, lemony yellow, orangy orange, grapity purple, lime green, wildberry blue, and watermelon" were literally haunting me. I used to have nightmares about giant grapes the size of boulders crushing me alive while cackling, "SILLY RABBIT!!! SILLY RABBIT!!!".

During one of my low points, I began fashioning nasty Trix replicas out of food coloring and rolled up lumps of cardboard. I would spend days at a time making enough pieces to fill just one bowl, then dance around in my apartment like a lunatic for a while, gloating about how I'd "finally gotten my Trix!!!" Then I'd try to eat the stuff and nearly choke to death. But just pretending to have Trix would make the pain go away, even if just for a little while. That's how pathetic I was.

But just wait, this story gets better. All the crazy get-ups and comical schemes designed to trick people into thinking I was a kid, just so I could have a taste of Trix? Well, I learned pretty early on that I wasn't getting anywhere with that junk. No matter how clever a scheme I came up with, some random little fucker would always expose me and PHYSICALLY TAKE the Trix from me, calling me a "silly rabbit" and asserting that Trix are just for kids. Oh, how I wanted to kick their little asses or send them packing to the Neverland Ranch.

For so long, I'd just fume for a while after each of these episodes, then dream up a new crazy plan. I knew they weren't going to work, I guess I just kept doing it because I didn't know anything else. I mean, I can't remember a time when I wasn't "working" for General Mills. Of course, it's more like slavery. But that's a story for another time. I decided I needed to change my angle. No more messing around with pirate costumes and stupid kids. I needed to go professional. So I saved up my meager salary for a while, nights of walking the streets strutting my furry little ass.

Well, I finally bought this Trix and HATED it. The stuff tastes like ass! I was expecting a fuckin' high or something: it's a bunch of puffed corn dyed different colors with faint flavoring. In fact, the stuff all tastes the same, there's no difference between "raspberry red" and "lemony yellow", except for the fact that one looks like an oblong lump and the other is some kind of weird bumpy triangle. Here I had been preaching for half a freaking century about all the "fruity flavors", and the stuff ends up tasting like a giant lump of shit, lightly sprinkled over a tiny bit of tasteless puffy corn. I had just learned that my entire adult life up to this point was a complete and utter WASTE.
.
And don't even get me STARTED on discrimination issues. I had to sit and watch while hundreds of kids were openly handed bowls of deliciously fruity -- see, I'm doing it again -- of SHITTY Trix cereal, then told to eat them RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The reason? I'm not a kid. I'm a rabbit. I can't begin to imagine how many laws that's in violation of. But I don't want to get political here.

By the way, didn't anyone ever realize the sick irony of making me the spokes rabbit for Trix, but NEVER LETTING ME TASTE IT?!? What marketing wizard came up with THAT gem? How am I supposed to accurately depict the quality of a cereal I've never eaten?!? Idiots.

I'm ashamed to know that for so long, I was an advocate of such a low-grade, mass-produced pile of shit. I was the unwitting puppet of the General Mills corporation, and for that I apologize to you, the masses. I beg of you you, stop the anti-rabbit discrimination, and stop supporting the grandiose delusions of cereals like Trix. Yeah, more like "Shit in a box".

T. Rabbit

Low Morale In EVERY Profession

We Want Better Working Conditions Boss! 

I got a kick out of this story today. Apparently the insurgent terrorists in Iraq sent a letter to their boss (Abu Musab al-Zarqawi) complaining about morale. The letter was intercepted by the US Military. This cracks me up. I thought my job was the only place with low morale. What could they have to bitch about? I am trapped in an office all day, they get to roam about. They get to chill with their terrorist buddies all day, hang out, work when they want. They aren't dealing with phones, e-mails, faxes, and bullshit all day. Low morale my ass.

What would cause terrorists to complain to their boss? Not enough explosives? Eighteen hour sniper shifts with no coffee break? Suicide cars that need a jump start before heading out? No pension plan? The 90's model rocket launchers? I'd like to know. What kind of project manager is this Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? He certainly will be fired at the next boardroom meeting.

Good News for al-Zarqawi is that he just saved a load of money on his car insurance by switching to GEICO.

Bitchin' About Bananas

Yeah, I am going to discuss bananas, you have a problem with that?

Bananas are a pain in the ass to buy. If you buy them too green you have to wait like three fuckin' days before the banana is even close to edible. If you buy them yellow, they are good for about two or three days and they rot and turn brown. I am starving right now with a green banana on my fuckin' desk that is of no use to me. I like a banana in the morning for breakfast. Basically, I am shit out of luck today. Last week, they all rotted before I got to eat them all so this week I figured hmmmmm I'll buy them a bit greener, now the fuckers refuse to ripen. I guess fruit is now a fuckin' gamble. The fuckin' produce aisle is now a damn casino.

E-Mail Chain Letters

Is anyone sick of those STUPID chain letters or forwarded e-mails that pop up in your inbox from people you know? When I see the subject heading with the letters FW in it, I cringe. Unless you are forwarding me pictures of your girlfriend naked or something really good to look at, leave me off the list!

E-chain letters have been around since e-mail began. You've seen them before: Send this e-mail to 15 people in 5 minutes and you will have good luck for a year, send it to 10 people and you will have good luck for a month, send it to 5 people and have good luck for a week, send it to no one and you die a bloody and painful death with forks jammed in your head. Ugh, I hate them so much. But...maybe my lack of forwarding e-mails along is why I work a job where I am underpaid and I meet crazy girls. I suppose that explains the 24 piece fork set protruding from my head also.

The newest fad is to send that ugly yellow ribbon, the one for "Our Troops", via e-mail and say that if you don't forward it on you are a communist bastard that wants our troops to die in bloody combat in Iraq. Or maybe they are about Iraq itself and give a couple images of soldiers standing next to a child, smiling, or a guy petting an Iraqi dog. These e-mails usually say something about how God is watching over them and that if you send this e-mail to 100 people the war might end and God will come down from the Heavens and turn all Iraqi infidels into kind and caring citizens. I hate these e-mails. I delete them. Every American supports our troops, even if we are against the war. They didn't start it and have nothing to do with the bureaucrats and politicians who play a game of Risk with the world. I don't need to forward a yellow ribbon along electronically or plaster one to my car to prove I care.

As an experiment, I created a chain letter myself. I made it just as annoying full of cliche drivel such as the shit that appears in my inbox everyday. I even put "return this to me to prove that you are a good friend" like A LOT of similar e-mails. I made it so cheery and upbeat that you couldn't tell it was made by a cynical bastard like me. But here's the twist: at the end of the e-mail, in small font but plainly in sight I put the words: If you send this e-mail back to me, I'll fucking hunt you down and kill you, you piece of shit. I hope you learn to either stop forwarding messages through the internet or rot in Hell like a serial killer.

And guess what? I got the e-mail back from almost everyone I sent it to. Sigh. It's probably out infesting the world as we speak.

If you see this e-mail or any other e-mail that requires you to forward it on, do me a favor and NOT send it to me, okay? Because I WILL hunt you down and kick your ass.

Forgive and Forget??

The Latest In Bridal Fashion... 

Well, we have all heard the Runaway Bitch, I mean Runaway Bride story by now. The latest is that her fiance forgives her and was quoted as saying that "we all mess up, we all make mistakes." Apparently this dude still wants to marry her despite her lies and bullshit. Would you forgive this person if she (or if it was a he) did this to you?

I found this website that defines forgiveness as the following:

Based on Philosophical, Traditional (Hebrew, Christian, Islamic, Confucian, and Buddhist traditions, among others), Psychological and Developmental principles. Gleaned from a large survey of readings, professional dialogue, and stories of forgiveness written by volunteers.

1.What it is:

Moral
It is a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).
It is a turning to the "good" in the face of this wrongdoing.

Goodwill
Merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
Generosity or offering good things such as: attention, time, remembrances on holidays.
Moral Love or contributing to the betterment of the other.

Paradoxical
It is the foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.
As we give the gift of forgiveness we ourselves are healed.
Beyond duty
A freely chosen gift (rather than a grim obligation).
The overcoming of wrongdoing with good.

2. What it is not:

Forgetting/Denial
Time passing/ignoring the effects of the wrongdoing.

Condoning
Nothing that bad happened. It was only this one time. It won't happen again.

Excusing
The person did this because.....it wasn't really their responsibility.

Condemning
She/he deserves to know they have wronged me.
"Forgiving" with a sense of moral superiority.

Seeking Justice or Compensation
Forgiveness is not a quid pro quo deal--it doesn't demand compensation first.

3. Important Distinction:

Forgiveness: One person's moral response to another's injustice
Reconciliation: Two parties coming together in mutual respect

Pretty Interesting.

What's the biggest act/behavior/thing that someone did to you that you were able to forgive? I am a pretty forgiving person but I NEVER forget what someone did and usually my trust is eroded with that person to a point. If the person shows genuine remorse for what they did and can rebuild the trust I can be very forgiving, but I don't like it when people never genuinely apologize and still make excuses for what they did, that pisses me off. I think forgiving takes up a great deal less energy than holding a grudge. There are, however, certain behaviors that can't be forgiven. I have a huge issue with liars. People who lie straight to my face over and over, then justify it with bullshit excuses really bother me. I usually don't forgive liars. A white lie is one thing, I am talking about pure deceit.

Can you forgive liars, cheats, or other acts?

10 Reasons The Yankees Are Finished

All Good Things Must Come To An End 

What's happened to my beloved Yankees? It's sad to say, but the dynasty/run is officially over. A few weeks ago, I thought it was just the spring rust that needed to be shaken off. I have watched closely the past two weeks, this team is done.

The Beatles once sang that "Money Can't Buy You Love" and I agree with that. Money also can't buy you a championship. Players have to want it in their hearts, this team doesn't. Their payroll is $200 Million and it means absolutely nothing. The Yankees as we knew them from 1996-2004 are done, finished, and have departed. It was a great run. I suffered as a child from 1982-1995 without seeing them make the playoffs. They won't make it this year for the first time since. Here are my 10 reasons the Yankees are done:

10) Farm System- The farm system is what built the dynasty. Home grown players like Jeter, Bernie, Mariano, and Petitte were the corner stones of the dynasty. The only thing the Yanks have left in their farm system are a couple of hens and maybe a cow or two. They have traded all their young talent away over the years for high priced superstars, many of which were past their prime.

9) Mariano- Opposing teams no longer fear Rivera. They know he is beatable. Years ago batters were out before they even stepped to the plate because of the aura he once had. He is a hall of famer for sure and maybe the best closer of all time. He has aged and he was at the top of his game for longer than any other reliever in baseball history. He is not the same. He is no longer dominant.

8) Mike Mussina- This guy is no longer the great pitcher he once was. He gives up too many hits, walks too many batters. He makes close to $20 Million a year and he is no longer worth it. He is past his prime and no longer a key component to the team.

7) Bernie Williams- Once my favorite yankee, Bernie could cover more ground than a John Deer tractor. He has slowed down to a snail's pace. He is a switch hitter that can no longer be a threat from the left side of the plate. His throwing arm is gone. It's tough to watch a great guy like Bernie deteriorate right before our eyes.

6) Jason Giambi- What a waste. The guy had everything going for him. Once an MVP, Giambi took steroids then had to cycle off of them and his body is paying the price. He is making about $19 Million a season and can't even make contact with the ball. His fielding at first is a disgrace and he only DH's now.

5) Teams no longer fear the Yankees- After the Marlins World Series victory at Yankee Stadium in 2003 and the biggest collapse in baseball history against the Red Sox last year, teams know they can come into the stadium and beat the Yankees. They are no longer feared by opponents.

4) Too Many "Superstars"- The team has no chemistry and no heart. The team has too many big egos in the clubhouse and they don't work well as a unit. Nobody seems hungry to win like back in the 90's. Too many big egos and big salaries are a recipe for disaster.

3) The Bench- What bench? Who's a threat coming off the bench? John Flahrety? Rey Sanchez? Bubba Crosby? They have NO depth at all.

2) The Curse of the Bambino is over- After the collapse last year against the Red Sox, the whole mystique and aura in Yankee Stadium is not the same. It just has a different feel. It's just weird, the World Champion Red Sox.

1) The Curse of A-Rod- Sure he'll hit you THREE homeruns against The Angels, he'll smack one when the Yanks are up 10-2 or losing 13-3. This guy is not clutch and can't handle NY. He's been a cancer everywhere he's played. He leaves Seattle and they win 116 games, he leaves Texas, suddenly they contend for the division/wild card last year, he comes to the Yanks and they collapse to the Red Sox. He is a selfish cancer on the team. They should have kept Soriano.

Love, Love, Love

Based on my daily conversations and interactions with people from all walks of life, I really feel strongly that the one area in most people's lives that causes stress and takes up most of their time and energy is one of the following:

1) Trying to get someone to be with you/love you
2) Trying to maintain a relationship/keep someone interested
3) Finding the "right" person for you
4) Trying to "change" someone
5) Stressing out/hoping someone will leave someone else for you


Loves Me, Loves Me Not 

THE FIVE MYTHS OF LOVE:

1. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL MEET ALL MY NEEDS.
Even if you have found your "soul mate," one person cannot be the sole source of your satisfaction. That's too big a burden, and impossible besides. Your partner is a human being, not an all-knowing, all-compassionate, love machine. You'll need multiple sources - God, friends, family, a strong sense of life purpose, healthy self esteem, and a willingness to take responsibility for your own happiness.


2. I CAN CHANGE MY PARTNER.
OK, out there, hands up if you've ever tried this one. Did it work? Both men and women fall prey to this delusional temptation. There is only one person you can change. Guess who it is? There's a famous quote, "Be not angry that you cannot make another as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."


3. LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.
Though love is ultra-powerful in its pure and spiritual form, the feelings we call love can be ultra-fragile in the face of major differences in values, backgrounds, behavioral styles, and personal habits. Courageously face those differences and their practical implications before making a commitment. (I hear a resounding "Amen!" from those who did not!)


4. LOVE IS A FEELING.
I hinted at this one a moment ago. Yes, real love contains feelings, but those butterfly-in-the-stomach, heart-throbbing feelings ebb and flow. Love is a verb. It's about doing - even in those temporary times when you inconveniently don't have wonderful feelings to stimulate the positive action.


5. WE'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
There's an additional hidden assumption here: If it's real love, you won't have to work at it. Even the best relationships have potholes, tragedies, and disappointments. As Shakespeare said, "The true course of love will never run smooth." Truth is, a marriage certificate is really a work permit. Sometimes the most important thoughts we have are those that contradict our emotions. In every stage of a relationship, especially in the early stages, love can be blind.

Get real in your expectations, and you can save yourself from many unnecessary disappointments.

Weekends Go WAY Too Fast....

The Sun Sets On Another Weekend... 

Well, it's Sunday Night and the sun is setting. I took the above picture a few minutes ago down the block. Is it me or do the weekends really go way too fast? Two work days go SO SLOW and NEVER END! Two days at home go so fast.

This weekend it rained from Friday Night until this afternoon, so the sun you see in the picture we only saw for about 6 hours this weekend. That blows. We got spoiled with 75 degree temperatures for two weekends, now the last TWO weekends have been stormy. I hate rain on weekends. It BETTER be a good, hot beach summer!

Despite the rain and the Yankees losing two out of three to the BLUE JAYS, it was a pretty good weekend. Lots of drinking, lots of cooking, a pretty ok weekend overall. What makes it better, I have tomorrow OFF! (It's supposed to rain again though) Still beats a day in the office!

And You Ladies Complain About US!

Just One Of Many Crazy Bitches 

Chalk one up for the guys. You think you ladies have it bad when a dude does not call you after a date, how would you like to be this crazy bitch's fiancee? It just goes to prove the point that I write about time after time. Being an asshole, a coward, a liar, a cheat, or whatever else isn't a male or female issue. It's a society issue. Women bitch and moan about men and vice versa, but there are bad seeds in every gender, race, religion, ethnic background, and sexual orientation. Being an asshole isn't limited to one gender or one group of people, it's rampant.

This woman apparently thought faking a kidnapping, tying up crews of police and FBI, making her family worry sick, having a community out searching for her, and probably having the town think her fiancee killed her was a better option than having the balls to meet the dude for dinner and postpone/cancel the wedding. What the fuck is wrong with people? To top it off, the police ARE NOT pressing charges!!! What the FUCK???? I'd have this bitch locked away because she's obviously not fit or sane enough to be among us walking around in society. Lying to police and putting everyone through what she did is not a crime? Since when? It's total bullshit. So ladies, next time you complain about guys, just look, we men deal with crazy shit just like you do!

Bruce Gets A Clean Bill Of Health

Bruce Visits The Vet 

This morning was Bruce's visit to the Vet for his post-rescue checkup. I am pleased to report that all tests came back great and that he is a healthy dog! The toughest part of the day was getting him into the pet carrier to take him there. At the Vet, he was loving life. He was mingling and working the room and flirting with all the female dogs. He is a real ladies dog! He got tons of attention in the waiting room from all the people too.He was eating treats, drinking water, and watching cartoons. He was great during the exam as well. I can't believe what a great dog he is. I am so pleased and happy to have Brucy Boy around. He is like my shadow though, EVERYWHERE I go, he follows me. He waits by the bathroom door when I shower, sits by the window and waits for me to return when I go someplace. He is the coolest.

The worst part of the Vet visit, the cheesy shirts the Vet and his staff wore. (See picture)!

Vodka Challenge:Taste Test

Take The Grey Goose Challenge 

Ok, so this is my first official drunken blog post. I just got in from Happy Hour up the street here in the beautiful City By The Sea, known as Long Beach, NY. Tonight, I did something different. The half price drinks helped me out on this one. I decided to take the Vodka challenge. I Had a FULL drink of EVERY Vodka the bar carried, starting with the cheapest and working my way up to top shelf. Here are my results:

The Worst:

Georgi
Leeds
Smirnoff
Finlandia

If you want a violent hangover, these are the ones to pick. Cheap at the bar, cheap at the liquor store, these will get you sick in a HURRY!

Middle Of The Road:

Absolut
Stoli
Belvedere
SKYY

These won't make you as sick, but still have an after-taste. They are par for the course

Top Of The Line:

Kettle One
Grey Goose

These have no taste, go down SMOOTH as silk! Cost a great deal more, but well worth it!

All of you that know me are aware that I have a bar in my home as large as some bars you patronize. I have a big range of vodkas on hand as well as 100's of other liquors. On top of that, I am indeed a NYS licensed bartender. Grey Goose is the way to go when ordering a Vodka drink. Great taste, and NO hangover! Off to shower and head back into town for a crrrrrrrrrrrrazy night! later peeps!

Buried Treasure, My ASS

The Go Directly to Jail, Asshole! 

When I wrote about this story two days ago, it sounded fishy. You remember this white trash dude claimed he was digging in his backyard and he found a century old box filled with money, gold certificates, and silver certificates? It turns out he and his buddy are roofers and they found/stole this box from the rafters of a roof that they were working on at someone's home. Instead of just taking the money, which they would have gotten away with cleanly, these assholes decide to go on a TV show tour and brag. Not only did they brag, but their story on how they found the box was different on every show. Police caught on, brought them in for questioning, and one of the dudes ratted them out and confessed. REAL BRIGHT!

Lesson 1: If you find/steal money and make off with $100,000 that even the owner of the house didn't know existed, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't go on Regis and Kelly, Good Morning America, The Today Show or Nightline, just go to the fuckin' bank dumbass!

Lesson #2: When telling a lie, stick to ONE story! Don't put yourself on national TV telling a dozen versions of how you supposedly found the cash. Even a kid who reads Nancy Drew can figure this one out!

Lesson #3: Don't rat your friends out. Lie all the way to trial! Once you confess it's OVER!

I am curious if they were at least smart enough to dig a hole in the backyard they claimed to have dug this up from.......from what I've seen so far, probably not.

I would have just told the bank the bills were so old B/c my grandfather passed away years ago and left me the money and I didn't have the heart to cash it in years ago, but now I am broke and want to cash it in. At least come up with something believable!

Good Sport, Good Guy

The Sugar V, Hangin' Tough! 

I must say, the Sugar V is a good sport. I've played joke after joke on this poor bastard over the last few months and he still actually talks to me. Maybe he has pity for a fool like me, maybe it's just the candy dish on my desk. Regardless, he is a good sport and a great guy and this post is dedicated to him.

Before I left work yesterday for my four day weekend, I decorated his cubicle in "New Kids On The Block" pictures and memorabilia that I got off the internet. The picture above is the view from my office to his work area. You can see all the papers hanging all over, those are indeed photos of the boy band! I then proceeded (with some help) to autograph these photos as if the band themself autographed it thanking the Sugar V for his support of the band. It was quite fun to do.

This follows decorating his cubicle with "Neverland Ranch" photos, Saran wrapping his phone, hiding his jacket, switching his chairs, switching all the keys around on his keyboard, taking the rollerball out of his mouse, and various other fun stuff. He has gotten me back here and there and it makes work fun.

What can I say about the Sugar V? He is a great guy. He's the one who got me started on the blogging back in January. "Bored At The Beach" owes it all to him. The Sugar V has been a great friend the last six months or so, since I got to really know him. He is not a friend who bullshits you or says what you want to hear. He tells you things like they are, something/someone we all need in our lives. He is always there to offer a logical and thought provoking view of the world, of people, and of life. He has been there for me through some difficult dilemmas and has always listened and showcased a perspective on things that I may have not seen otherwise. He makes a very dull work environment fun and enjoyable. I am lucky to have gotten to know him. It's difficult to "make new friends" once you get to be about 30 or so. Everyone seems to have their own lives and agendas to deal with and most of the time people don't extend themselves the way he has. I declare today National SUGAR V DAY! Your friendship is appreciated. Thanks to the Sugar V, C-Mac is "Hangin' Tough" at a dull job. The Sugar V has "The Right Stuff" to make everyone's day a bit more enjoyable.

Something Shady In Ohio.....Again!

More Lives Than Morris the Cat 

It wasn't enough that Ohio was the state that tipped the scale in Bush's favor last November to screw us for four more years. Now Ohio is up to no good again!

This Scott dude from American Idol has to go! This guy should have been gone WEEKS ago! What the hell is going on? He can't sing, he can't dance, he is useless! I thought the domestic violence arrest report that came out a few weeks ago would have done him in, but NOOOOOO, we have to look at this guy some more! What's wrong with OHIO??? Is the entire state calling in for this guy weekly? That's the ONLY way he can be surviving at this point. The talent pool in this year's contest is not as good as years past, but that's no excuse. This dude needs to go! "Dance With My Father" MY ASS, YOU BLOW!

Ohio, you fucked us once last November, have MERCY on us and stop calling in for this guy!

Bring Your Kid to Work Day

Today is bring your child to work day here at my company. Hopefully they will binge on the 15lbs of candy I have in my office so I can get rid of it all. By 3PM the offices will surely be trashed.

As far as I know, I have no children.(haha) I am pretty sure there are no little C-Macs running around anywhere. I think the Maury show would have called me for a paternity test already! I wonder what they would have said if I brought Bruce in today. After all, he's kinda like my new child.

I have not had a dog since I moved out of my parent's home for good at age 19. I forgot how much care and responsibility it is. Believe me, I love it and it's no hassle when you love someone or something. Which brings me to my point. When you go to adopt a pet you get screened and a bit scrutinized, yet anyone can just bang and have a baby with no questions asked. Each day on the news we see horror stories involving innocent children and the poor care many kids receive. I just don't understand it. All kinds of people have kids, immature people, mentally/emotionally unstable people, people who can't afford them, abusive people, etc. It is frightening. Adults should realize that the things they do to kids stay with them for LIFE. There's no erasing it from a kid's memory or life. This is why I don't understand why people who know deep down that they are not suited for children, have them anyway. Couples yell and fight in front of kids, and do all kinds of things that kids should not be seeing. It's really scary.

What amazes me is when two really great people try and try to have kids and they can't get pregnant, yet two 15 year olds bang, or two people that aren't very suited for children, and they get pregnant right away. Is this a big joke from God? Is he up there laughing at us? I just don't get it.

It's good to see the kids parading through here today with smiles on their faces. Hopefully they will all have fun here and learn something today. I hope the biggest lesson they learn today is to not grow up too fast and enjoy the times they are having right now. Time goes way too fast and they should not be in any rush to jump into our "real" world.

Jackpot

The White Trash Jackpot 

Can you believe this story? These dudes dig in their yard and find a box full of money. The box is about a century old containing cash, gold certificates, and silver certificates. It's estimated to be worth about $100,000! This guy can finally take a shower and get himself some new clothes, and maybe move out of his trailer home. What the hell? I dig in my yard, it's dog shit, rocks, and maybe some buried tin cans. Talk about luck.....digging and finding $100,000. This dude can step it up from Old Milwaukee Beer to maybe Budweiser. He can throw away his 12" black and white TV with the rabbit ear antenna and get himself a nice color set. Maybe throw out that spaghetti sauce stained wife beater and get himself a new pack of wife beaters. Some guys have all the luck.....

Small Talk

If there's one thing that annoys me more than anything it's idle chit chat. You know, small talk. You run into someone you sort of know on the street and you feel obligated to stop and listen to their small talk. It annoys me. I am a friendly guy, but I enjoy good conversation. The stop and chat and the small talk irritates me.

Even on the phone, I call vendors and suppliers all day and all they do is make small talk. The standard small talk is the weather chat. Suddenly everyone becomes a meteorologist and wants to discuss weather and weather patterns of the last six months. "Oh bad winter we had, huh?" they say. Just take my order or have something interesting to talk about! I'm not saying I have to have "deep" conversation with strangers, but at least make it interesting! If I want the weather forecast, I'll look out the window or turn on the TV!

If I run into you on the street or call you on the phone, humor me. Say something clever and somewhat interesting. Most of all, when telling a story, HAVE A POINT! It makes it so much more enjoyable for the listener!

Another Amazing CD

Devils & Dust in stores 4/26 

I've always admired Bruce Springsteen's work. He has a way of connecting with all of us. He writes about things we have all dealt with in our lives from sadness, to heartbreak, to loss, to happiness and memorable times. I own every CD Bruce has ever put out and have seen him over 15 times in concert. His 3-4 hour shows leave you physically and emotionally drained. I've seen about 50 different famous bands in concert in my life, nobody has come close to the shows Bruce puts on.

Shortly after the tragic events of 9/11/01 Bruce was driving in his home state of NJ feeling what we were all feeling at the time. Bruce was approached time after time by residents and strangers. They all had the same message, "Bruce, we need you now." Bruce went to work and released "The Rising" in July of 2002. This was one of the most amazing albums of our time. On "The Rising" he speaks of loss, tragedy, hope, faith, and the human spirit. "The Rising" is a very personal album for me and i cherish it.

Three years and two tours later, Bruce is back with "Devils and Dust." This is a solo album without his famous E Street Band. I've heard some of the songs and seen him on VH1 Storytellers talking about his new work. From what I saw, this appears to be another winner.

In the title track "Devils and Dust" Bruce speaks about the war in Iraq and gives us a look inside the mind of a soldier and the decisons that have to be made there. Here are the amazing lyrics:

Got my finger on the trigger
But I don't know who to trust
I look into your eyes
There's just devils and dust

We're a long, long way from home Bob
Home's a long, long way from us
Feel the dirty winds blowin'
Devils and dust

I got God on my side
I'm just trying to survive
But if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Fear is a powerful thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

Well I dreamed of you last night
In a field of blood and stone
Blood began to dry
And a smell began to rise

Well I dreamed of you last night Mom
In a field of mud and bone
And your blood began to dry
The smell began to rise

Got God on our side
We're just trying to survive
But if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Fear is a powerful thing
It'll turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

Now every woman and every man
They wanna take your right to stand
Find the love with God wills
The faith that He commands

I've got my finger on the trigger
Tonight faith just ain't enough
And I look inside my heart
There's just devils and dust

But I've got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
But if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Fear is a dangerous thing
It'll turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

Check out the new Bruce CD, in stores Tuesday, April 26th! :)

Bologna Smuggler Caught

No Phoney Bologna 

It's good to see that US Customs and Homeland Security are right on top of things. They caught a dude smuggling 845lbs. of bologna into the United States from Mexico. There were 80 rolls of bologna in his suitcases mixed in with his clothes. I'm sure the nasty smell alone gave this dude away. Did he think the bologna sniffing dogs weren't going to find this? He apparently was going to sell this bologna at a swap meet. Now that's a new one, peddling bologna. Why haven't I thought of this? There's a TON of cash in bologna sales. MMMMM nothing like bologna that was mixed in with some Mexican dude's dirty boxers. Yummy.

Meanwhile, I'm sure 100 illegals crossed the border with guns and weapons while the bologna task force attented to this big find. The guy was actually on a bus on his way to Albuquerque when they stopped at a checkpoint and the bologna was found. I'm sure the bologna smuggler had that famous Bugs Bunny quote in his head when he hit the checkpoint....."I knew that I should have made a left turn at Albuquerque!!!!"

We Never Learn

Friends Forever.......Like Father Like Son 

With gas prices continuing to soar, President Bush feels the solution is to meet with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah to kindly ask him to increase production in order to get prices down. First Congress decided to drill up the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge and now Bush meets with this clown. When are we going to realize that these are not long term solutions?

The solution to the problem is to offer incentives to corporations to develop and implement technologies for their products that don't require gas/oil to operate. Then offer incentives to consumers to purchase these products. Our entire foreign policy revolves around oil, isn't enough enough already? In all fairness to Bush, no President thus far has taken an aggressive stance to eliminate our dependency on foreign oil. The time is now. But honestly, how can we expect an oil man President to go against his financial interests to do what's best for the country? He won't.

People are under the impression that Bin Laden orchestrated attacks against us nearly four years ago because he hates our way of life. You know, he stumbled across the US Constitution one day in his cave and became jealous and outraged and said that he had to put a stop to this. The reason we were attacked and these people hate us is simple. They are pissed off after years and years of US aggression and policy which revolves entirely around oil. If we developed,IMPLEMENTED,and FORCED companies to produce these non-oil related products, our foreign policy problems would be much easier to solve. When is someone going to wake up and get us on the right track?

Strike A Pose

Bruce's Sunday Morning Pose 

Bruce is adjusting to life at the shore. He woke up at 6AM ready for his walk. I got up dazed and took him for a walk in the fog and mist. He took it easy today and is LOVING the new doggie bed purchased for him today. He is spoiled already, a total of $300.00 on beds, leashes, collars, toys, and other doggie treats. It's almost 8PM and he is snoring away in his little bed with the bone shaped pillow. Hopefully he won't be wide awake when it's MY bedtime!

That's the Bruce update. Off to watch "The Contender." Back to work and some non-Bruce blogging tomorrow! Night everyone.

A Dog It Is!!!!!!

Bruce's First Moments In Long Beach 

Meet Bruce, the newest member of the C-Mac family. I adopted him today around 4PM. He is loving his new home and life by the shore. Bruce is a hound mix. He looks like a beagle, at least that's what everyone who has seen him so far has said. Perhaps he has some beagle in him. He is adorable isn't he?

Bruce was up for adoption at an animal shelter in Wantagh, a town not too far from here. He was abandoned and was in the shelter for about three weeks. According to the workers at the shelter, he is three years old. His profile was posted on their website and I saw it this morning and went to check him out. The minute I saw him I loved him. He was friendly but he was scared. He barked a great deal and I thought he may be too hyper a dog for me. After a while he calmed down and the decision to take him was an easy one. Once he got in the car he was loving life again. Straight to the pet store we went for food, a bowl, toys, and all kinds of doggie stuff.

After the pet store he came home to his new house. He checked out every room and started running all over. He ate some dinner then went for a walk. Then I went to dinner for an hour or two. When I came home he was so happy and excited. He did, however, tear up the vertical blinds, but it's his first day here and those can be replaced. Maybe it wasn't wise to leave him alone so soon but I wanted to give him a little taste of running the house alone because he will have to get used to it when I go to work. I took him for a little jog in the light rain, now he is snoring on the couch in the den. I am sure he is loving this life compared to a life in a cage. Hopefully the sun will be out and he can take in the sights and sounds of Long Beach tomorrow.

The name Bruce was chosen for none other than "The Boss" himself, Bruce Springsteen. A new dog named Bruce today and a new "Bruce" cd this coming Tuesday.....a good week indeed.

Dog or Cat?

I love both dogs and cats. I like dogs better, but cats are less maintenance than dogs. I am thinking about adopting a pet this weekend...they are having this big pet drive at the North Shore Animal League. What should I get? It's hard to pick!

I woke up to Channel 7 Eyewitness News this morning here in NY and they were showing all the animals up for adoption live from there....decisions.

Line of the Day

The Human Resources dude just came into my office and said to me "Charlie there's a financial presentation going on in the conference room about making your money work for you, if you'd like to attend." I said "what money?" He laughed and I said "Maybe if I had made some money here, perhaps I'd join you and see how I could get my money to work for me." It was quite humorous seeing the look on his face. I'll probably be fired later.

Stupid Things I've Done While Drunk

I was talking to a friend this morning about the history of our drunkenness. We got to talking about the wackiest shit we've ever done while drunk...here are a few of my favorites:

10)The standard calling of the ex-girlfriend or ex-booty call. You always regret these calls the next day and for weeks to come. I have a policy now, if you don't speak to someone for two months after you have dated/hooked up, their number comes out of the phone to avoid these late night follies.

9)Passing out on the floor of a Bennigan's bathroom on my 25th birthday. Not the nicest place to rest your weary head. A bottle of Absolute after two 40oz Buds will do that to you.

8)Told my girlfriend's (at the time) indentical twin sister that I couldn't wait to have sex with her later that night. I thought it was my girlfriend, not her sister..there were no hard feelings, thankfully.

7)Invited a bunch of thugs into my house for Alize and Henessey that were passing through the neighborhood. Glad I wasn't robbed later in the week!

6)Rode bikes with my friend Melissa to and up on the boardwalk when both of us were too drunk to even stand. Not a smart idea. I think she may still have a scar on her knee from this.

5)Climbed off my deck and onto the roof, which is very steep and narrow to dance to the Humpty Dance at last years birthday (C-Macapalooza)party.

4)Played beer pong with Hennessey. I don't recommend this! :(

3)Poured white baby powder all over the hardwood floors of my last house so me and my friends could skate in socks and play hockey in the house in winter. Many injuries that night. It took weeks to get all that powder up.

2)Chicken bowling. We had a long hall in my last house. We took empty beer bottles and put them at the end of the hall as pins. We then took a frozen whole chicken out of the freezer and played bowling. Quite fun.

1) The oven mitt. Ok, so it's 3am at C-Macapalooza 2003 and we are all shitfaced. We are all in my backyard being VERY loud. One of the neighbors must have called the police. I was dancing/moonwalking to Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, using an oven mitt as the "glove" to do the moves and grab my crotch. Just as I did the spin move and turned around, 2 cops were standing there laughing their asses off. Needless to say, they stayed a bit, had some food and chilled, they wanted to see what other moves we had up our sleeves.

Drunken stories rock...I want to hear yours!

Good Mood?

It may be because it is Friday. It may be because the sun is shining (for now). It may have been my summer CD I was playing in the car today. Whatever it is, I am in a good mood today. For me to be here at the office and be in a good mood is quite rare. I am usually very cheerful outside of this office or with select people here at the office, but normally I dread coming here. But today, for some reason, I am feeling on top of the world. I am sure I'll fall right off my mountain as soon as the first wave of work comes or someone does something to piss me off over here. I've been feeling great the past two weeks, both mentally and physically. I think it's been the change of weather and the intense running I've been doing. Both create a high for me that is hard to explain.

I was driving in this morning, playing my summer CD and thinking about the fun ahead in the next few months. I was thinking about the Saturdays on the beach, the Yankee games, the bbq's, the nights out and about in Long Beach, the parties, and everything else that is summer. I really can't wait!

Today I should be like the Bubble Boy and put plastic around my office so nobody can put me in a bad mood. I may have some saran wrap around here somewhere. Just a little bubble, where I can enjoy my good mood without anyone ruining it. Although around here, I could armor my office and stress and grief would still find a way penetrate it, so I suppose saran wrap won't do the trick. Just don't be the one to piss me off and "burst my bubble" today! :)

Products and Technology In Our Lifetime

Think of all the technology and products that have been made available to the public since we were born. There are so many things that have either been invented or made available to the common person in our lifetime. We have so many things around us daily that we take for granted that weren't even available to the average person, and in some cases, to anyone, back when we were kids 20 years ago. I thought of a quick list of some of the things that are so common now that we probably take for granted:

The Internet: We just log on daily without even thinking. We blog away, e-mail, and do most of our daily functions online. Can you even remember life without it?

The Microwave Oven: Although this was invented a long time ago, the microwave oven became commonplace in the 1980's. I do remember being a small child before the microwave. Heating things up took forever! TV dinners took like an hour in the oven!

The VCR: Another 1980's boom. Before the VCR, if you were out and missed your show, tough luck! The VCR made it easier to catch up on your shows and to see movies you missed at the theaters.

Cell Phones: This tehnology was around during the Vietnam War, but not really made very available to the average person until the mid 90's. Ten year olds walk around with these now. We've come a long way with these just in the past 10 years.

CD/CD Player: I clearly remember the cassette tape and the vinyl album. Both were cool, but the first time I heard a CD, I was hooked. The quality was amazing.

IPOD: Personal electronics at it's finest. The idea of carrying 10,000 songs with you still blows my mind.

Digital Camera: Taking pictures without fumbling for film or heading to the local drug store to have the film developed. How cool is this?

Camcorder: Another 1980's big hit. The average family was able to catch some memorable moments on tape and just pop it into your VCR for viewing right after. This was exciting when it first was affordable to the average Joe.

Cable TV/Satellite TV: Where would we be without this? MTV put many artists on the map, movies, cooking channels, home improvements, nature, you name it, there's a channel for everyone.

Walkman: This started the personal electronic gadget craze. Back in the early 80's you were cutting edge if you paraded around with one of these.

ATM Machine: No more waiting on lines at the bank to withdraw $40.00! How did we survive before these? I don't think I've physically been in my bank in over two years.

Calculator: This was more a mid to late 70's deal. They were downright expensive when they first came out. Now you can get one for $5.

Fax Machine: Before e-mail, the internet, and the scanner, faxes were the shit. I was fascinated by the fax when they first came out. That an image of a document could be transmitted through wires to someone else.....wow. Now it's like whatever.

UPC Barcode Scanners: Remember stores before the scanners? They would hand ring everything. If something did not have a price sticker on it, they would call for a price and the line would never move.

DVD: The VCR on a whole new level. Who does not love the DVD???

All these things became mainstream in our lifetime. Not a bad time to be alive, huh? I wonder what things we'll be adding to the list 20 years from now that have not even been thought of yet. I couldn't picture life without any of these today. Did I miss any good ones?

Personality Test

Thanks Liz, for the link...here are my results....

According to the test, I just want to be neat, eat, get laid, and romance women....sounds good to me!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 70% Stability 40% Orderliness 70% Empathy 50% Interdependence 33% Intellectual 73% Mystical 36% Artistic 43% Religious 23% Hedonism 36% Materialism 43% Narcissism 43% Adventurousness 36% Work ethic 50% Self absorbed 43% Conflict seeking 50% Need to dominate 50% Romantic 83% Avoidant 23% Anti-authority 70% Wealth 43% Dependency 50% Change averse 43% Cautiousness 43% Individuality 70% Sexuality 90% Peter pan complex 43% Physical security 70% Food indulgent 70% Histrionic 56% Paranoia 50% Vanity 50% Hypersensitivity 70% Female cliche 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Trait Snapshot:

clean, self revealing, open, organized, outgoing, social, enjoys leadership and managing others, dominant, makes friends easily, does not like to be alone, assertive, hard working, finisher, optimistic, positive, likes to stand out, likes large parties, respects authority, practical, high self esteem, perfectionist, dislikes chaos, busy, not familiar with the dark side of life, controlling, high self control, traditional, tough, likes to fit in, conforming, brutally honest, takes precautions

Now Batting......

If you are into Major League Baseball, you know that in almost every stadium now, players get to choose what song plays over the stadium PA while their name is announced and they step up to the plate. I was thinking of some songs I'd want playing as they announce, "Now batting....first baseman, #23, Charlie Mc".......

1) "Blow It Out Your Ass" Ludacris

2) "Heartache Tonight" The Eagles

3) "Lose Yourself" Eminem

4) "Move Bitch (Get out Da' Way) Ludacris

5) "Freak A Leek" Petey Pablo

6) "Me Against The World" Tupac

7) "Eye of the Tiger" Survivor

8) "Juicy" Notorious BIG

9) "The Message" Grandmaster Flash

10)"Run to the Hills" Iron Maiden

How about you guys?

I know Sugar V would have "It's Raining Men" or some Neil Diamond Song.....

$205 Million

I am not a lottery player. The only thing I really gamble on is football during the fall and winter and that's not really for any big stakes. I am not a person who is obsessed with money by any means. I think people place too much emphasis on money and "things" that they have. Money surely can't buy health or happiness....but it can help you do things you couldn't do without it. The NYS Mega Millions jackpot is $205 million dollars tomorrow. I may just play for the hell of it. I am sure I won't win, but I was just thinking about what I would do with all that money......

1) Buy a nice house (nothing crazy, just something nice)
2) Buy houses for my parents and brother
3) Pay off all my family member's and close friends' bills
4) Buy a couple of cars for myself (nothing crazy like a Ferrari)
5) QUIT THIS JOB
6) Do some traveling
7) Go back to school and become a radio DJ, even if it's for like 18k a year overnight somewhere in some hick state.
8) I would seek out families in need that have medical bills, or other financial struggles, and help them out.
9) Invest a good portion of it
10) Buy lots of things for the people I care about

I really would not want $205 million dollars, maybe just $2 million. Money is short term happiness. It can't get you well if you have a disease with no cure, it can't make you genuinely happy if you aren't, it can't bring back a loved one that has passed on, it can't make someone you love, love you back if they don't feel it too, and it can't erase everything that's happened to you in your life. All it can do is allow you to have things you couldn't maybe have without it. That's not real happiness though.