Sunglasses Indoors

There are two types of people who wear sunglasses indoors, blind people and assholes. I am not talking about someone who comes in from outside and hasn't had the opportunity to take them off or may forget they are on. I am talking about people who think "it's cool" to wear them indoors. Nine out of ten times, the person is an asshole or certainly acts like one.


A Douche Nozzle Indeed! 

It's the same breed who feel the need to wear sunglasses at night. Yeah, Corey Hart did a song about that very topic back in 1985, it wasn't cool then and it's certainly not cool now. What are these people trying to prove? OOOOOOOOH LOOK AT ME, I LOOK SO FUCKIN' STYLISH IN MY SUNGLASSES here at 11pm. Asshole, take them off, it's very fuckin' annoying.

Didn't they sell sunglasses on an infomercial years back to wear at night while driving? I think they were called "Night Vision".


Did Anyone Actually Buy These? 

Very stylish huh?

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday and a great start to the week. Summer is winding down, make sure you get out and about each night the next few weeks and soak it all up!!!! Today is vote day for TOP BLOG, if you are still enjoying "Bored at the Beach" be sure to vote for me. As always, thanks to all of you for your daily visits! :)

E-Mail "Forwards" and Chain Letters

Is anyone sick of those STUPID chain letters or forwarded e-mails that pop up in your inbox from people you know? When I see the subject heading with the letters FW in it, I cringe. Unless you are forwarding me pictures of your girlfriend naked or something really good to look at, leave me off the list!

E-chain letters have been around since e-mail began. You've seen them before: Send this e-mail to 15 people in 5 minutes and you will have good luck for a year, send it to 10 people and you will have good luck for a month, send it to 5 people and have good luck for a week, send it to no one and you die a bloody and painful death with forks jammed in your head. Ugh, I hate them so much. But...maybe my lack of forwarding e-mails along is why I work a job where I am underpaid and the reason I meet crazy girls. I suppose that explains the 24 piece fork set protruding from my head also.

The newest fad is to send that ugly yellow ribbon, the one for "Our Troops", via e-mail and say that if you don't forward it on you are a communist bastard that wants our troops to die in bloody combat in Iraq. Or maybe they are about Iraq itself and give a couple images of soldiers standing next to a child, smiling, or a guy petting an Iraqi dog. These e-mails usually say something about how God is watching over them and that if you send this e-mail to 100 people the war might end and God will come down from the Heavens and turn all Iraqi infidels into kind and caring citizens. I hate these e-mails. I delete them. Every American supports our troops, even if we are against the war. They didn't start it and have nothing to do with the bureaucrats and politicians who play a game of Risk with the world. I don't need to forward a yellow ribbon along electronically or plaster one to my car to prove I care.

As an experiment, I created a chain letter myself. I made it just as annoying full of cliche drivel such as the shit that appears in my inbox everyday. I even put "return this to me to prove that you are a good friend" like A LOT of similar e-mails. I made it so cheery and upbeat that you couldn't tell it was made by a cynical bastard like me. But here's the twist: at the end of the e-mail, in small font but plainly in sight I put the words: If you send this e-mail back to me, I'll fucking hunt you down and kill you, you piece of shit. I hope you learn to either stop forwarding messages through the internet or rot in Hell like a serial killer.

And guess what? I got the e-mail back from almost everyone I sent it to. Sigh. It's probably out infesting the world as we speak.

If you see this e-mail or any other e-mail that requires you to forward it on, do me a favor and NOT send it to me, okay? Because I WILL hunt you down and kick your ass. :)

What chain e-mail do you remember most, that was most absurd?

True Freedom

I was thinking, who do you think has more freedom, the married man/man in a relationship in America or the single man in Communist China? I have to go with the single guy in China. He may not be able to leave the country, but he can leave his house without any explanation or problems. Hell, who needs to go to Europe or wherever else overseas, men just want to be able to leave their homes without permission or explanation. :)

***For those of you with no sense of humor, I am just playing around...this is a joke of a post.***

When You Care Enough To Give Only The Best

It's still summer, but many people are already looking forward to the holidays. Some people love the hustle and bustle of the holiday shopping season and love searching for that "perfect" gift for a family member, a friend, or a co-worker.

I think prostitutes should sell gift certificates. This would be the perfect secret santa gift for the loser in the office that you know hasn't been laid since the Johnson administration. It would also be a perfect gift choice for that perverted uncle or the nymphomaniac in your life.


Cash or Charge? Gift Certificate please!!!! 

These gift certificates could be sold in denominations. $20 for a half hour with a crack whore, $100 for some quality time with a fine street walker, or $1000 for a few hours with a "classy" call girl.

If you don't want the gift recipient to know how much you spent, you could just give them a gift certificate for specific sex act. "This coupon entitles you to one 15 minute blow job" or perhaps "This coupon entitles you to one hour of anal sex with the hooker of your choice". Nothing says Christmas like an anal encounter with a hooker.

Of course these certificates would have to be signed and approved by the pimp at the time of purchase, but hey, it's money in his pocket and there should be no issue or problem completing the transaction. With the holidays not too far off in the distance, why not think ahead now and get the pervert or unfuckable person in your life the gift that keeps on giving?

One Hungry Fucko

Ok, THIS STORY takes the cake for douche nozzle of the week. Apparently 2 drivers, a 71 year old man, and a 45 year old man with his 3 year old daughter in the car approached the McDonald's Drive-Thru at the same time. Rather than just decide who should go first, they start fighting. They get out of their cars and the 71 year old dude stabs the 45 year old guy right in front of his daughter. He then proceeded through the drive-thru, orders FIVE double cheeseburgers and drives off. The stabbed dude gets his license plate number and calls police. An hour or so later the old dude is arrested. my question to this crazy fuck is:

WERE YOU THAT FUCKIN' HUNGRY??????????????????

10 Random Day To Day Annoyances

Although I am in a rather good mood today, I figured I'd chat about some shit that really annoys me throughout a typical day. Any of the following could ruin my rather good mood in a hurry:

1) I can't stand when people leave you a voice mail and say "I need to talk to you about something". Well fucko, would you be calling me if you didn't have to talk to me about something? What's worse is when they leave you a message saying "I need to talk to you about something that's bothering me" or "I need to talk to you, it's REALLY important". I hate that shit. After hearing that, you have to sit and wonder what the fuck it is until you can get a hold of them. Either say what's bothering you or what's important on the voice mail, or just say call me back.

2) People on all these "diets" bother me. The Atkins, The South Beach, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. You don't need these plans. Dieting is really simple. You want to lose weight? Ok, stop eating crappy foods, eat a ton of fruits and vegetables, eat every 3-4 hours, drink a ton of water, but most of all, get off your ass and exercise. I am not talking about a walk around the block after dinner. I am talking 40 minutes 4-5 days a week where you get your heart rate up and keep it up for at least 40 minutes. You'll shed weight like a maniac. The whole office does not need to know what specific diet you are on, nobody fuckin' cares.

3) Daytime road construction bothers me. Get this shit done at night when we are all asleep. Gas is fuckin' $3.00 a gallon, I don't need to burn the tank sitting in traffic watching one guy work while 16 others watch him in the middle of the day.

4) Greedy fucks who get engaged and have to have an engagement party, a bridal shower, and a wedding. How many fuckin' gifts do you really need? Just fuckin' get married and get it over with, I don't need to be showering your cheap ass with gifts for 2 years leading up to the wedding.

5) The price of gas going up a nickel every fuckin' day. ENOUGH already. I paid $2.74 for REGULAR 87 octane yesterday. Do I get a blow job with that fill up???

6) Listening to ugly and out of shape girls be really choosey about the guy they want. Just be fuckin' happy anyone would look at your sorry ass. Often I'll be at a restaurant or a mall and I'll hear these types of girls judging guys that walk by like their standards are so high. It amazes me that they expect guys to overlook their shortcomings like weight, yet they expect to land an underwear model and they judge men. Give me a break. Be happy anyone looks at you. If a toothless fucker with a peg leg tries to pick up on you, better take him up on it while your stock is still high.

7) People/friends who don't give you your change back when you buy something or give them money to pick something up for you. I've had many $20.00 ice cream cones and many $50.00 pizzas. Oh, how they conveniently "forget".

8) Cocksuckers who still pay for their groceries with checks. Douche NOZZLE, welcome to the 21st century!!!!!! Ever hear of a fuckin' debit card? Now my ice cream has to melt and I am forced to read "The Enquirer" while you give them your fuckin' life story on the check. These people should be dragged onto the road like Reginald Denny.

9) People at work that don't say hello when you look right at them and say hi. What the fuck is your problem? Perhaps they need to be taken outside with the check writers.

10) Nightly News. Show me a happy fuckin' story. I am tired of hearing about murders, rapes, riots, child molesters, kids falling out of windows, floods, hurricanes, celebrity news/gossip, robberies, and all that other bullshit. Somewhere, something good had to happen today.

What are some of your day to day annoyances?

The Game of Memory

We all remember where we were on 9/11/01 when we heard about the attacks on the United States. It was such a big event in our history that we'll never forget where we were or how we heard about the news. There have also been other "big" events in the news that we will never forget because of the impact they had on our country or on the world.

I was thinking the other day about the earliest "newsworthy" event/current event that I can remember as a child. For some reason, it was the 1976 Presidential Election when Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford.


My earliest childhood "newsworthy" memory.... 

Other events that I can clearly remember from my childhood (under age 12) are:

Reggie Jackson hitting 3 home runs in Game 6 of the 1977 World Series giving the Yankees the victory and the championship. I remember hearing my mom screaming and cheering from my room.

Elvis Presley's death in August of 1977. I remember watching TV and the news cutting in and announcing his passing.

The huge nuclear scare at 3 Mile Island nuclear plant in Pennsylvania in 1979. We all thought we were going to get fried.

John Lennon's death in December of 1980. He had just released his "Double Fantasy" album and the song "Just Like Starting Over" was played every second on the radio for weeks after his death.

The assasination attempt on President Reagan in March of 1981. This was announced on the loudspeaker at school and we went home a couple of hours early.

What are some of your earliest childhood "newsworthy" memories????

Scary Characters

Growing up, we all had a villain or a character in a movie that scared the shit out of us. Many people say the witch from the "Wizard of Oz" was someone that scared them at a young age. For me, it was her:


Scaaaaaaary Stuff!!!!!!!!!! 

The witch from the Bugs Bunny cartoon used to send me running for the blankets so I could hide. There was something about her laugh and her voice that still has me shaking. Here is a short list of other scary characters that have always made me cringe over the years:

That little lady from "Poltergeist"
The girl from "The Exorcist"
The kid from "The Shining" that was possessed and kept saying "Redrum, Redrum"
That evil creature from the "Salem's Lot" movie.


Salem's Lot scared me for years............ 

What characters scared you the most?

The Birthday Song

Can't you go anywhere to dine now without having to hear 15 waiters and waitresses sing their version of "Happy Birthday?" I was at a great Italian restaurant last night and they even had to sing their version of the douche bag birthday song there. It's annoying! I don't mind if it's for a small child who is being taken out by their parents or grandparents for their birthday, let the kid enjoy their day, you are only a kid once. I am talking about these people who are over 25 that somehow feel the need to be sung to by strangers for their birthday or their friends who feel the need to let the restaurant staff, and the world for that matter, know it's their buddy's birthday.


Shut Up Fuckos, I am trying to eat!!!!!! 

What makes me wonder the most is, who's writing the lyrics to all these wacky birthday song versions? Every restaurant seems to have their own now. In some places it's just vocals, in others it's poor vocals and lyrics combined with annoying clapping, maracas, and other small instruments or gadgets you really don't want to hear directly in your ear when you are trying to have a conversation with someone. Are the CEOs of some of these chains like Fridays giving out homework assignments to the staff to see who can come up with the most annoying song? Or is it some marketing genius in a boardroom somewhere that is completely out of touch with the world? Either way, it needs to stop! We need to take a united stand against the cheesy birthday parade and song at restaurants! The "original" birthday song sucks bad enough, we don't need 1,000 different versions and remixes.

Monday "Trash"

Good morning everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. Here we go, yet another week. Let's all savor the next 3 weeks, then summer is "unofficially" over. That sucks huh?

It was a very hot weekend here in the NY area. Highs in the upper 90's with brutal humidity. I spent a good portion of the weekend in the A/C, but I did get out and about also, which brings me to today's topic, garbage cans.

Why are people so fuckin' protective of their garbage cans? I was walking down the street, about a mile from home enjoying an ice cream. When I was finished, rather than tossing the wrapper and stick on the ground, I passed a house who had put out their trash cans for Monday's trash pickup. I proceeded to place my refuse in the pail and started walking home. This angry dude, who apparently lived in the house, yelled at me for putting garbage in his trash can. I said to him, "It's garbage, where am I supposed to put it?" He responded "Put it in your own pail!!!" I then said "It all goes to the same place right, so what's the big deal????" He replies, "It's MY garbage can, that's what the big deal is!!" I was like, "You need help buddy, you have serious issues!!!"

Now explain to me why I couldn't put a wrapper in this asshole's pail? I wasn't dumping an old refrigerator or a dead body in his trash, it was a fuckin' ice cream stick! I just don't understand some people!

Anyway, it's Monday, let's make the best of it! It's also TOP BLOG voting day, so if you'd be so kind and vote for "Bored at the Beach" by clicking on the Top Blog icon to the left, I'd be most grateful! :)

C-Mac's "Lost In Translation"

Men and women have a difficult time understanding each other very often. Many people say it's a lack of communication, I say it's a lack of proper translation. Here, let me show you:

Translation of commonly used women's phrases:

•We need. = I want.
•It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious because I already explained it to you.
•Do what you want. = You'll pay for this later.
•This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
•I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you jackass.
•I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
•We have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
•Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

Translation of commonly used men's phrases:

•I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
•I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
•I'm tired. = I'm tired.
•Do you want to watch a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
•Can I take you to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
•May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
•I love you. = Let's have sex now.
•I'm bored. = Let's have sex now.
•Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you what a deep person I am so you will have sex with me.
•Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Meanings Behind Tattoo Design

I get a big kick out of people who go and get "tribal" or other wacky tattoos plastered on their bodies. They walk around claiming that the design is a symbol for some big, meaningful ancient concept. How the fuck do they know? They were drunk at 3am when they got the tattoo, yet it is such a spritual thing for them. They go around claiming the tattoo is the ancient symbol for strength when in fact it is a food selection off of a Chinese menu. What the fuck do you think, that the dude in the tattoo shop is going to tell you what it really means? "It really means you are a whore, but tell everyone it's the ancient symbol for purity." I doubt he/she knows anyway.


I'll Take The Lo Mein........... 

I love the girls who walk around with crosses or some other "religious" symbol tattooed to their lower back as they parade around half naked. The last time they were spiritual or prayed was when they took a pregnancy test and promised God they'd never have sex again if the test came back negative. Give me a break already.

I am not against tattoos one bit, I just get annoyed when people are uneducated or clueless and walk around thinking things mean something that they don't and they haven't even researched what they got plastered to their own body.

Bad Blogging Buddy

I've been bad with making it around to everyone's blog the last few days and I apologize. I've had a lot going on at work and home. I am a BBB, Bad Blogging Buddy! :(

No Lock???????

Have you ever gone to someone's home, perhaps a friend, a co-worker, or a realtive's house and discovered there was no lock on their bathroom door?


Where's The Fuckin' Lock???? 


This can be quite a difficult situation. Here you are, absolutely dying to pee, you go into the bathroom, flip on the light, shut the door, then go to lock it, only to find there is no lock. All kinds of thoughts run through your head, can I pee fast hoping nobody will walk in, should I try to lean against the door and aim across the room? All kinds of crazy scenarios and ways to pee enter your mind. Hmmmmm, that sink right by the door may do the trick, I'll just hold the door with one hand and pee in the sink. Then the thought of not going crosses your mind, just holding it in until you get home. Women would have it worse in this situation. You have to sit and it takes a bit longer.

Other than a stable roof and foundation, isn't a lock on the bathroom door the next thing you look for when buying a home? Isn't this an absolute staple? If you buy a home with a bathroom dor without a lock, wouldn't you buy one right away?

Have any of you encountered this situation? If so, what did you do?

Douche Nozzle of the Week

"I Believe I Can Fly" 

Did everyone hear about this asshole? At last night's Yankee game this douche nozzle jumped from the upper deck and fell 40' onto the netting that protects the seats behind home plate from foul balls. This guy truly gets the douche nozzle of the week award.

What if the net would have ripped? I don't care that this asshole would have died, but what about the innocent people below him? They should lock this prick away for a while. Let the inmates jump on him for a year or two.....

Quitting Your Job

Why is its that you can be fired from a job with absolutely NO notice, yet when you want to leave a job they pretty much expect at least two weeks notice if you want a reference? What the fuck is that all about?


Not a bad idea............ 

I think it's absurd. When you want to leave, you should be free to leave without any repurcussions. Instead, they blackmail you with the "bad reference" bullshit unless you give two weeks notice. So, if you are an excellent employee and just get fed up or tired of dealing with a situation at a job, you should suffer an additional two weeks just so you might get a nice reference? I think not. Just as they would escort any of us out to our cars on any given day and tell us "See Ya", is the way we should feel about leaving on our terms.

Keebler Elves vs. The Seven Dwarves

I could never live with The Seven Dwarves. I could not deal with all the different moods and bullshit. I may as well check into an institution. For starters, who wants to deal with "grumpy" all the time? Screw him and his attitude. His ass would be out on the street after one night. Then you have that "dopey" fuck who would ruin everything in the house. He'd probably microwave metal objects and cause a fuckin' fire. Then there is "Happy", fuck him and that grin on his face. He won't be smiling when I beat his ass senseless. Then there is that "sleepy" fuck who wouldn't work and chip in for the rent. I'd get a fire hose and blast his sorry ass out of bed. Fuck "sneezy" and all his germs. I'd be out of sick days by January 15th each year. I'd hire a stripper for "bashful" and he would not be so fuckin' bashful anymore. I'm not sure what Doc's deal is, but he looks untrustworthy, sort of like a molester.


These fuckos should die a cruel death.... 

Now these guys I could totally live with:


I like these little fuckers..... 

They keep a fuckin' spotless hollow tree. I'd have them doing everything. Bring me a beer you little fucko!! Wash those dishes now!!! Rub my feet! Not to mention the cookies. I'd be at the end of that conveyor belt nightly loading up on those cookies. Sugar V would be there also, but just for their famous "fudge". Sugar V looooooves fudge. The Keebler crew always seem upbeat, but not "happy" like that other little bastard. Their moods are on an even keel, which I would enjoy. I also think in a drag 'em out fight, the Keebler crew would kick some serious ass on the Dwarves. They's bust out rolling pins, wood spoons, rubber spatulas, it would be a massacre.

Which group would you rather live with?

"Thank You" on Garbage Pails

No problem, fucko! 


I've always wondered what the "thank you" on the garbage pails at fast food places, coffee shops, etc. was for. Are they thanking me for my business or are they thanking me for getting up off my ass to dump my tray and garbage? Or is it just a "thank you" for being the kind and caring guy that I am? haha Don't you hate the people that leave their trash on the table that think they are in a 5 star restaurant and the bus boy is going to clean up after them? It amazes me how lazy some people are. I think there should be a big THANK YOU on the exit door of every business. I want to feel appreciated at Wendy's or Taco Bell. I want to feel like part of the Starbucks family after spending $24.50 on a small coffee.

I was at a company function all day, I'll do my best to visit all of you tonight/tomorrow!!! :) Oh, and just an FYI...the suicide post was random and meant as humor.....like most everything I write on here...so no need for anyone to be concerned! :)

Suicide Etiquette

I think there should be set rules for suicides. There should be certain etiquette and guidelines that are followed. Here is my list of suicide rules and regulations:

1) Always leave a note. People have the right to know why you did it. By all means, mention the names of people that drove you to it. Talk about how miserable you were and who caused it. Be very specific so the cause was is very clear to the reader. Blue or black ink is preferred, but other colors are acceptable. Pencils should not be used, as others could change shit after you die.

2) Kill yourself in such a way that it won't cause a big cleanup. Forget the guns, knives, and razor blades. Pills, vacuum hoses in the garage, rope, and other non messy ways are preferred. Why ruin a good couch, carpet, or chair? Why have others clean up the mess? Do it as cleanly as possible.

3) Don't do it right before a holiday, someone's birthday, or a vacation. Why fuck up someone's good time? Kill yourself at one of these times only if it will fuck up the person that drove you to suicide's holiday or vacation. Otherwise, pick a nice summer day, or a day in September sometime.

4) Don't do it in such a way that it will hurt other people. Parking your car on train tracks, jumping off a building (where you can hit someone), etc., are poor ways. If you want to kill yourself, don't take others with you or cause trauma by having other people witness it. If you want to die, don't take others with you fucko.

5) Do it right before bed. Nobody wants to find your body after a long day at the office. Better to find you bright and early and start the day fresh.

6) Absolutely no Nirvana CD's in the stereo when you do it. Picking the proper song is key. I'd pick "I Did It My Way" by Sinatra.

7) Leave your life insurance policy, bank book, and any cash you may have on you in an easy to find place. Why have the hassle afterwards?

Have I missed any suicide rules?

Customer Service Calls

I really enjoy (sarcasm) calling customer service numbers for companies when I have a question or a problem with something. Isn’t it just a wonderful experience? First, you get a choice of hearing the “menu” in about 14 different languages. For English, press 1, for Spanish, press 2….it goes on and on, for Swahili press 14, for Ebonics press 16…….


Don't Put Me On Hold Again Fucko! 

After selecting a language (which is a topic for another post) you then have about 15 layers of menus before you get a live person on the phone. Many times none of the menu choices describe your situation, so you have to wing it and pick something close. Some of these menu choices are ridiculous with ridiculous scenarios. “If your computer is on fire and you see smoke, press one now.” “If your computer is talking to you and you are scared, press two now.” It’s like, just get me a fuckin’ human being! When you finally get a human, it is a worker in India or Pakistan because all the service jobs are outsourced to those countries. They have no clue what you are talking about and the problem is seldom resolved without asking for a manager or supervisor.

The most bothersome thing for me while calling these numbers is the “on hold” music. Some of this music is totally insane. I’ve heard circus-like music, wacky Cajun music, classical, jazz, soft rock, etc. The thing that bothers me most is the “rock” music played in classical form. If you are going to play classical, play fuckin’ classical, not Van Halen on a fuckin’ piccolo! There’s nothing more annoying than hearing Aerosmith on a violin or a harp while I am already pissed off after 19 language choices and 15 layers of menus! Pick a genre of music and stick with it. You wouldn’t hear Metallica performing Beethoven would you? So don’t have fuckin’ Kenny G doing Motley Crue.

I also hate being “transferred” to someone else who can help me. You have to tell the same story to like 12 people before someone can help you. You start off with the full story with operator one, by operator number twelve, they are getting the “Cliff Notes” version of your story because you are tired of telling it. Sometimes you are in mid-sentence describing your problem and they just transfer you. They hear one key word, like “bill”….”oh, let me transfer you to our billing department.” Meanwhile you said I’m not paying the “bill” until you fix this technical problem…….wrong department asshole!

I avoid calling these “service” lines unless absolutely necessary!

Reader Feedback Requested

Ok, this post will require lots of feedback from my loyal readers.

The Sugar V and I got into a lunchtime discussion the other day about different life scenarios. The topic of masturbation came up, a good topic for any man...or woman for that matter. We are in agreement that most people masturbate and we think it's great.

The part of the discussion we could not seem to agree upon was the masturbation thought process and who we "think" of when we take care of business. I stated that it is a waste of time and silly to masturbate thinking about someone we can have at ANY time, for real. Like say you are dating someone for four years and live with them, why masturbate thinking about them? You can have them at any time. Masturbate thinking about a fantasy or a scenario thay may or may not ever happen, or perhaps something hot that you experienced in the past. I can't see masturbating about someone you can have at any point in time, whenever you want.

What's your view? Do you think of a current boyfriend/girlfriend when you do it, or do you think of "fantasy" scenarios with others?

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Way Too "Specific"

Have you ever gone to a restaurant with someone that wants their food so fuckin' specific that it takes them 20 minutes to place their order with the server? It annoys the shit out of me.


On The Side Please........... 

I can understand telling the server how you want your steak cooked, telling them to hold the mayo or onions on a sandwich, I can even deal with dressing "on the side" so one can control their dressing distribution throughout the life of the salad. I can't stand the fuckers that re-write the menu. They ask for shit that isn't on the menu or they completely change the dish like they are the fuckin' menu writers. Here's an example, say the menu reads like this:

Rigatoni Alla C-Mac

Rigatoni with sauteed mushrooms, green peas, seasoned ricotta and battered eggplant in a plum tomato sauce.

The annoying/fussy fucker you go to dinner will do the following:

"Ok, I'd like the RIGATONI alla C-Mac, but can I have penne instead of Rigatoni, hold the mushrooms, extra peas, ricotta on the side, and grilled eggplant instead of fried. OH, and can I have a vodka sauce with that instead of the plum tomato sauce?" ..."Oh and can I get that sauce on the side?"

Come on, we all know someone who orders like this! I say if you are going to be that fuckin' specific about the menu, stay the fuck home and cook it yourself, to your specifications. Don't annoy the shit out of the server, the cook, and most of all, ME!

Don't forget...it's Monday, voting for Top Blog starts again today! :) hint hint. :)

Paper Route

When I was young, I had a newspaper route. (Now adults do this shit from their warm cars) Anyway, each year, I'd bust my ass everyday after school, and on weekends to get these papers delivered. Rain, snow, hail, fuckin' lightning, my little ass was out pedaling my "Huffy" with the milk crate tied to the front full of Newdays.


Tip Me Fucko!!! 


Most of the customers on the route were appreciative and tipped me at the end of each week. Then you had the cheap fucks that thought I did that shit for charity and wouldn't buck up even 50 cents at the end of each week. Keep in mind, we got no "salary", we worked exclusively off tips. When Christmas would come most people would toss you a $10 or a $20 and thank you for your good service all year and say something nice. Once again, you had the cheap fucks that wouldn't give you a nickel. So what I would do with my friends to these cheap people was this....after the Holidays when people threw their Christmas trees out for the garbage, me and my friends would round them up at night. We would then bring them to all the cheap people's homes, open their storm doors and lean the trees against their wood (interior) doors. When they opened their doors the next morning the tree would come crashing in their house and they never would know who did it. "Payback's" a BEEEEEOCH! I was a little bastard when people were mean to me!

"Thank You"

I am a big fan of the "thank you". I am always grateful to those who do kind things for me and for others. For example, if a friend takes me out for lunch, I'll thank them right after lunch, thank them again before we part ways, and I usually follow up with a thank you e-mail. Most people I know are "thankful" people also.

Then there are the people that thank God for everything. They have a meal, they say grace and thank God for the food, they hit a home run in baseball, they point at the sky as if God put some power in their bat, they get sick, they look to God to cure them, God, God, God.


Thank You for this shitty meal...... 

I am all for thanking God, but can't we do it as a blanket statement as we are unwinding at the end of each day? Do we need to individually thank God for everything that happens? Is God really up there listening to billions of prayers per minute pulling the strings like we are puppets? I think not. I think there is a God but I think people are silly to believe that God is playing a role in every menial task and chore we do. It's just absurd. Our free will and our proper choices in life carve our life paths, not a prayer or thank you for everything. Perhaps I should be thankful for the following and say individual prayers for each:

Thanks for me never getting struck by lightning.
Thanks for me never getting caught by a girlfriend's Dad while I was banging her.
Thanks for me not having a small dick.
Thanks for this Mexican food, even though it will give me the runs.
Thanks for my job even though it sucks and I am mistreated.
Thanks for the inconsiderate assholes that live across the street.
Thanks for me never wetting my bed as a child.
Thanks for me never mistaking crazy glue for KY.
Thanks for me never falling through a subway grate.
Thanks for me never being castaway on a deserted island holding a volleyball.

Let's start thanking people/God when it's necessary!

A "Pit Stop" With Heather

This week's Friday interview features one of my favorite bloggers, Heather. She is always amusing, her comments on this site are something I look forward to daily, and her site kicks some serious ass. Definitely check it out if you haven't already. Here is the Heather interview:

CMAC- Looking back, what was your greatest/happiest childhood moment and why?

HEATHER- I think that any time spent with my parents created this giant, globby memory. Although they are recently divorced, the times that I spent with the 2 of them together were most important to me. I have racked my brain trying to think of one specific moment, but there isn’t. The times that we laughed together were most important. Those moments were few and far between, but they were the most important to me. They are the best friends I could ever have and they keep me in check.


Heather is always on the right "track" 

CMAC-Recently you've written about being distracted or in a "funk", what do you think is the root cause of it and how do you feel you'll tackle it?

HEATHER-There are so many contributing factors. I have described it as my “tornado.” I’m just waiting for the winds to die down so I can see again. Work sucks. I enjoy the industry that I’m in, but my creativity and imagination are screaming to get out of this sales job. I’m bored and underpaid and VERY tired of it. Approximately 2.5 months ago, I ended a 2.5 year relationship. Someone that I went through the ringer with. Someone that I loved with everything I had. But he didn’t trust me and he fought with me constantly and for self-preservation reasons, I had to leave. It’s weird to be on your own again. I don’t know HOW to date! I’m totally screwed up! I think part of the problem is that I lie in bed at night and can’t sleep. I know that I made the right decision ending the relationship, but I hate to sleep alone. My 85-year old grandmother is having extremely serious surgery sometime this month and that’s constantly on my mind. She’s the only one I have left and I don’t know what I would do without her.

Now, tackling the funk. Truthfully, I need a vacation. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen the ocean. It’s been 10 months since I’ve gone on a delightful weekend road trip. Part of the problem is that now that I’m single, I have no one to vacate with. So, I’m kinda stuck. I’m not saying that I need to have someone in order to go on vacation, because that’s not the kind of girl that I am, but I like to be able to share moments like those with SOMEONE! I’ll get out of the funk—I just need some sun and frozen beverages with umbrellas in them.

CMAC-Tell us about a guy from your past that you were maybe just friends with that you never dated that you now wish you would have.

HEATHER-We met in a Fiction Writing course in college. He had these amazing eyes that almost looked through me and his voice gave me chills… In a writing class like that, you get close to your classmates because you’re putting yourself out there in a public forum (like blogging) and you start to see each other differently than anyone who hasn’t “read” you. We would exchange our work with each other and rip the pieces to shreds, walked campus for hours and hours and talked like no one I have been able to talk to before or since then for that matter. The trouble you ask? Well, he was engaged. He would cry to me and tell me that he knew it was a mistake, but when I would ask him why he didn’t just leave her, all he would say to me was, “She needs me.” I never COULD have dated him, but I believe that in some form, we were kindred spirits. We made each other’s lives hell, but at the same time all the more worth living. It brings tears to my eyes right now knowing that I can’t talk to him and have that feeling again. I will probably spend the rest of my life chasing that feeling that I can’t even identify, but 4 years later still crave.

CMAC-If you were President for a day and had the power to have Congress approve anything you suggest/wanted, what 3 things would you change in the country right now?

HEATHER-
1. Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death for ages 16-24. Did you know that 65% of those deaths occur because the driver gets 2 wheels off the road and overcorrects? Something so simple… With that gruesome statistic in mind, I would make DEFENSIVE driving programs mandatory and to be completed by age 17. We can prevent this—why aren’t we?
2. In the state of Georgia, we have this fantastic thing called the HOPE grant. We use lottery money to help kids pay for college. It certainly saved my life a time or two. Let’s make that national.
3. With the “funk” that I’m in, I would like to make 21 days of vacation mandatory for everyone. And a little of that defense money should go to each citizen to have a vacation fund. Kind of like a 401K, but for the beach. (Sorry, I couldn’t get on my soapbox in all three of these!)

CMAC-Tell us about the best date you ever went on in your life. Who was it with, when was it, and why was it the best date?

HEATHER-When I started to think about this, there has never been a date that stuck out for me. Lots of nights going out where a look exchanged in the car on the way there or a joke between us made the entire night memorable. But, there is one “date” that I think of often because I laughed so much…

Doug Becker. Summer of 2000. Doug and I didn’t have too many dates. He lived 800 miles away from me for the majority of time that we were dating, so every date that we went on was amazing. We traveled back and forth to see each other a lot and spent some time at his family’s “farm.” It wasn’t really a farm though. It was about 360 acres of manicured woods with an old house and a man-made lake in the middle. We went out there to hang out, drink, watch movies and be in the woods. His mom and dad showed up—I LOVED THEM. The 4 of us ate dinner together and when I stood up from the table, I realized I was completely shitfaced—and so was he, his mother and his father. We drove all around the property on over-powered golf carts laughing. He and I took off on our own across the property laughing and drinking while heat lightning shot across the sky. The moment overcame me and I told him that I loved him. We got out of the cart laughing and running through the fields. The rain came down on us hard and I could not stop laughing. The next morning, his mother woke me up at 10 and asked if I would be ready for a margarita when I got out of the shower… Best.date.ever.

CMAC-From a creative standpoint, what TV show do you think was/is the best of all time?

HEATHER-There has been a lot of creative television… It all depends on how you mean it… Although I don’t watch a lot of TV nowadays, I’m going to say The Real World changed television forever. It created reality television. I was 12 and I was in love with Eric Nies. I wanted to move to NYC and become a dancer like Julie or a painter like Norman. But, that said, I’m realizing there wasn’t much creativity…just a beautiful apartment where people fought with the girl from Alabama a lot.

Creatively, the Simpsons has this—hands down. And, Tiffany (tiffanysutopia.blogspot.com) will like this. They have been on TV forever. They have found new generations consistently each season they come out. The subject matter is entertaining and refreshing and we don’t even care that Bart has been 8 for the past 12 years! I have deep respect for that kind of longevity in our fickle world.

CMAC-And finally, tell all of us 3 things you've never done that you want to or plan on doing in the near future.


HEATHER-
1. I want to go skydiving. I have a few friends that have done it—some more than others. I don’t think I’ll get attached to it being that I have a horrible fear of heights, but it’s just something I want to do.
2. I want to learn to speak Italian. There is something so sexy about the language and I have been long obsessed with the country and their culture. I’m starting to get the idea that in order to get out of my funk I’m going to need to escape for awhile…that may mean a month somewhere else…and, if I go where I want to go, I’ll need to be able to speak Italian.
3. Realize my full potential and live up to it. This may never happen, but I’m planning on it!

Thanks to Heather for taking time out to be featured on this week's Friday interview. Thanks to all of you for taking the time out to get to know her a bit better. Be sure to check out her site!

What Scares You?

In light of recent events in Toronto with the plane crash and other wacky things in the news, I got to thinking of things that terrify people. Most people list a plane crash, spiders, heights, snakes, elevators, terrorism, and things along those lines as things they are most afraid of. Here is my list of things that terrify me:

*Getting my next electric bill after running the a/c continuously for the past month
*Running out of propane while I am hosting a huge bbq
*The alcohol-free section of any ballpark
*Fanatical "religious" people
*Dick Cheney becoming our next President
*The Kool-Aid pitcher busting down the walls of my house saying "Oh yeeeeeah"
*Those "sporks" at Taco Bell
*Waking up with a severe hangover, in a strange bed, looking over and seeing The Sugar V naked, eating a sausage
*The Red Sox winning another World Series
*Public bathrooms
*Girls who say "I am not used to being treated so well" (run like hell!!!!)
*A Spice Girls reunion
*Being gang-banged by the Keebler elves
*Dying while jerking off and having to have my mom come and identify my body at the scene.
*Having a trans-sexual kick my ass in a bar fight


What things scare you?

Microwave Etiquette (Revisited)

Most people don't have public microwave etiquette. Most people don't even know what public microwave etiquette is. Okay, well maybe I just made up the term, but there are simple rules to follow when using a microwave at work:

1) Keep your exotic seafood dishes at home. Nothing sickens me more than the office smelling like the boat from "The Perfect Storm."

2) Put a lid on it! Don't splatter up the microwave with your hamburger helper or whatever that is on your plate, put something over it!

3) Watch the cook times. Burnt popcorn is not a pleasant aroma for anyone fucko! The directions on the bag are simple even for a moron like you.

4) Keep it limited to ONE microwave. Don't be occupying several microwaves for side dishes and other bullshit. This isn't fuckin' Thanksgiving and grandma's.

5) Don't torment us with small time intervals, if something takes 3 minutes to cook, punch in 3:00. Not :30 six times making us look like Pavlov's dog running to the microwave thinking it's free everytime the buzzer goes off.

If you can't follow these rules, go out for lunch fucko...or bring cold cuts.

Things I'd Rather Do.........

Than float at a speed of 17,000MPH in space having to fix the space shuttle, hoping not to burn up on the way home. I feel so bad for these shuttle astronauts. They have to fix the shuttle with homemade tools. Can't NASA get this right? Here are things I'd rather do than float in space fixing a shuttle with a homemade hacksaw:

*Swim open mouthed in a kiddie pool after a bunch of 8 year olds pissed in it.
*Wake up next to Star Jones naked, telling me what a tiger I was last night.
*Watch Roseann Barr take a shit after a Taco Bell binge.
*Suck the farts out of a subway seat.
*Watch another episode of "Being Bobby Brown"
*Tie my balls to a sports car and have it go 0-60 in under 5 seconds

What would you rather do then have to float in space, praying you fixed the shuttle correctly so you don't burn up?

Let's Be Real

I am far from becoming a model. I don't pretend to be something I am not. I run, exercise, eat well, and I try my best to take care of myself. I also try to motivate others that are trying to do the same, that's why I got my personal training certification back in 2003.

The problem I have is with people who see themselves COMPLETELY different from the way the rest of us see them. I don't want to hear that bullshit expression "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", that's nonsense. I am talking about the people who claim they are "in shape" or "hot" when they totally aren't.


Let's Get Real 

Let me give you a great example. On Friday Night, Tatiana and I were out and we ran into a couple while we were out that we had never met before. They were engaged and in their late 20's/early 30's. The guy was in shape and it was apparent he exercised at least 5 days a week. He was toned, slim, in great shape and carried himself well. His fiancee was very heavy, sloppy, out of shape, and quite honestly, very unattractive. Right from the start I thought to myself "What a mismatch", but whatever it is what it is.

Tatiana mentioned that she was going outside to smoke. The out of shape woman said, "Oh I quit smoking two weeks ago". Tatiana went outside and the woman followed. I got to talking to the guy and he was a nice dude. While the women were outside Tatiana later told me that the woman asked for a cigarette. Tatiana said "Oh I thought you quit", the woman responded "I did, but I just feel like smoking". Tatiana then asked the woman why she quit smoking. The woman replied "Oh, it's because I am an athlete, I can't smoke anymore".

AN ATHLETE!!!!!! Are you fuckin kidding me???????????? What is your athletic event lady, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest? This woman is in serious denial. I run 30+ miles a week and I don't even consider myself "an athlete". An athlete is someone dedicated to their skill, someone who trains, exercises, and keeps themselves in top shape. This woman was anything BUT an athlete.

Why do people claim to be something they are not? Does this woman REALLY believe she is an athlete? Does she think people believe her when she tells this story??? I know a few people who claim to have been this, that, or the other who I know are blatently lying....should I be calling these people out on their lies, or letting them think I believe them???

"Support Our Troops"

You know, I've had it with the statement "Support Our Troops." It's a loaded, full of crap, partisan driven litmus test for separating "True Patriots" from the "Commie Liberal Scum." Yet behind the bravado, the machismo, the pissing contest, what this whole statement comes down to is do you honor or dishonor the troops? I honor the troops.


Pure Bullshit 

Every American supports the troops. You know why? We all pay taxes. My tax dollars, just like every American's, goes to pay for the military. Yet those in charge dishonor our troops by not supplying them with the armor and supplies they need and cutting the benefits they deserve when they return, while their friends get rich on the profits of war. (Halliburton and many others)

I honor the troops by working hard, playing by the rules, and gladly paying my share of taxes that go to pay for our military. I do not dishonor them by incorporating myself, setting up a PO Box in Bermuda, and asking my lawyers and accountants to figure out ways I can pay less tax.


I honor the troops by paying my fair share, and supporting politicians who demand that others pay their fair share as well. Cutting taxes in a time of war dishonors our troops. It starves our government of the resources it needs while millionaires reap the profits.

I honor the troops by understanding freedom isn't free, and neither is our country's dependence on oil. Those who rally for war, riding around in their SUV with a yellow magnet above the gas cap, are the first to claim "freedom isn't free." But how do they honor the service of the troops? By placing a feel-good yellow magnet on a vehicle of vanity that gets 13MPG while it feeds our habit for foreign oil and drives our foreign policy towards war and away from energy independence.

I honor our troops by trying to change our leaders to ones that will not dishonor our veterans or our country. I do not dishonor them by supporting an administration that supports torture, ignore the Geneva Conventions, weaken our military, or promote our "moral" leadership through a hypocritical bullying world posture.

I say honor our troops by flying the flag they die for. Do this because our troops deserve respect, not because the flag is a political symbol you can wrap your politics in.

I honor our troops by not supporting this war based on lies. The war is the Bush administration's. Bush and his administration own it. Bush and the rest of those so willing to go to war will reap the consequences of their war in this life or the next. The troops are doing their duty to the Commander in Chief and trying to survive. Bush and his administration dishonor them by putting them in a position where getting themselves killed is more likely than any real lasting victory.

Support our troops? I honor them. I wish many others would also by standing up for what's right.

And just to set the record straight, they are not in Iraq, defending or fighting for "our freedom" or "our way of life". Iraq never attacked the United States, this is a war we chose strictly for economic reasons. Saudi Arabia treats its people and its women just as poorly, but the Bush family are pals with them, we have a double standard. It's a shame these young people are getting killed for a ridiculous cause.

Movie Songs

Since I had such a good response from all of you yesterday about my "Movie Theater Annoyances" blog, I figured I'd stay with a movie theme. All that movie talk got me thinking of all the great songs that have come out of movies or songs we associate with movies. We all have favorite movie songs. Here is a list of mine, in no particular order:


What A Feelin'!!! 

Irene Cara "Flashdance, What a Feelin'" From Flashdance
Eminem "Lose Yourself" from 8 Mile
Tina Turner- "We Don't Need Another Hero" from Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome
Christopher Cross- "Arthur's Theme" from Arthur
Bobby Brown- "On Our Own" from Ghostbusters 2
John Parr- "Man in Motion" from St. Elmo's Fire
Phil Collins- "Against All Odds" from Against All Odds
Coolio- "Gangsta's Paradise" from Dangerous Minds
Simon and Garfunkel- "Mrs. Robinson" from The Graduate
Johnny Lee- "Lookin' for Love" from Urban Cowboy
Michael McDonald- "Sweet Freedom" from Running Scared
Lionel Ritchie- "Say You, Say Me" from White Nights
Madonna- "Live to Tell" from At Close Range
Bee Gees- "You Should Be Dancin'" from Saturday Night Fever

Ok, enough of mine, let's hear your favorite movie tunes!!!

Pick A Disorder

I suppose if I absolutely had to pick a disease/affliction/condition to be affected by, it would be Tourette Syndrome. I could just blurt out curses all day, grunt, groan, and I'd actually have an excuse. "You mother fuckin' cock suckin' whore!!!!!!" coming from my office and I could not be reprimanded or fired. People would actually feel bad for me.

What condition would you pick if you HAD to have one?




Please Vote for C-Mac!!! :) You are all the best!

Movie Theater Annoyances

I enjoy going to the movies every now and again. I rarely go in the summer because I'd rather be out and about doing other stuff. But in the fall and winter, I try to get to the movies twice a month. There are things that take place in the theater that get on my nerves though:


Sit Down Fucker!!!!  

1) People who arrive just as the movie starts and want to come down my aisle. Listen fucko, I want to see Jessica Alba's ass, not your fat cellulite ridden ass. Leave your hosue earlier and spare me the up close and personal view of your fat smelly ass.

2) People with bladder issues that get up 5 times in two hours. Don't drink the fuckin' 64 ounce soda if you have bathroom issues you stupid prick. I want to watch the movie, not you going by every 20 minutes.

3) Fat fucks who are in their seat and half of mine. Wait until it comes out on DVD asshole and watch it on your super sized sofa, stay the hell off of me.

4) People who never shut the fuck up. Discuss your drama and bullshit in the lobby or at home before I jam these milk duds down your throat.

5) Ringing cell phones. Fucko, they even remind you before the movie to turn them off, yet it never fails, there's always one asshole with the "Big Pimpin'" ringtone.

6) Crying babies. You cheap fuck, get a $5 an hour babysitter. I don't want to hear some out of control kid whimpering the entire movie. Use some common sense. Also, don't bring your 5 year old to a fuckin' serial killer movie and have the kid shit his/her pants, once again, use your head.

7) People who chew like fuckin' horses. Ok, you got popcorn, great. Now chew it like a human. I don't want to hear you devour each kernel like a fuckin' animal eating out of a bucket. Nor do I want to hear you slurp up every last fuckin' drop of that beverage. Fucko, it's gone, you aren't going to suck the ice through the straw that's as thin as your little dick.

Other than that, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

What pisses you off at the movies?

Keep those "Top Blog" votes coming!! :)

Take His/Her Pen Away!!!

So, I went out for dinner tonight. This cute little Italian place has great specials on Monday Nights. As we were seated, we were handed the "Specials" menu:



A Menu Full of Laughs 

Look at this thing. Did they outsource their menu writing to the local elementary school? Let's see how many spelling, punctuation, and grammar miscues you can find....

The person who wrote up these menus should be banned from doing this task ever again. Didn't the manager or anyone check this over? Perhaps the manager was the culprit. Ok, let's see if you can locate all the errors..........

Gimme some lovin' tonight, click on the top blog icon and vote for this wacky site!!! :)

Who Did You Want To Be Like?

Whether you are male or female, whether you grew up on the East Coast or the West Coast, North or South, we all had an "idol" growing up. Perhaps it was an athlete, a musical artist, a religious figure, a politician, or an astronaut. After 9/11 it became politically incorrect to have a "hero" or an "idol" that wasn't a fireman or a Marine. The media and the government jammed that way of thinking down our throats and suddenly looking up to a baseball player or a musical artist was taboo. I say that is nonsesne. Pop culture is where we have always gotten our "idols" from and looked to these people for inspiration. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I mean let's get real, half of our "big" musical artists got their start by idolizing the Beatles. The Beatles inspired and influenced so many people to get into the art of making music. Mickey Mantle inspired a generation to play baseball and Oprah Winfrey has inspired a generation of women to be all they can be regardless of their race or any other hardship they may have encountered. I think having these "idols" is a healthy thing for kids if the right people are picked as "idols". As long as these "idols" send a good message, give something back to the community, and set a good example for everyone, I don't see the harm in having an "idol". So often I hear the media mentioning that our teachers should be our idols, or our policemen, or the firemen, and that is fine too, bit there is nothing wrong with a good natured celebrity or athlete being a role model for a child.


Who Was Your Idol? 

My celebrity/sports "idol" growing up was Don Mattingly of the New York Yankees. I wasn't a Mattingly fan just because of his baseball talent, I was a fan because of his work ethic, his treatment of the fans, and what he meant to the city of New York for so many years. Mattingly would get to the ballpark hours before the other players to practice and master his craft. He was a team player that always helped the younger players grow and develop. Because of his work ethic and his influence on others, he was made the NY Yankees Captain. He is the current batting coach for the Yankees and is still having an impact on the team. He is still talked about on sports talk radio here in NY and is remembered as the ONLY New York athlete that was never booed by the hometown fans. NY fans are tough on their athletes, when they play poorly they are booed even if they are loved, Mattingly was respected so greatly, the fans never booed him.

As a kid, I played tons of baseball. I always wore his #23 and tried to emulate his batting stance, his mannerisms, and his work ethic. I had the posters, the Mattingly baseball jerseys, and the memorabilia. My biggest thrill was in 1993. I got company tickets to a Yankee game at Yankee stadium in the front row right along the first base line. During batting practice Mattingly was in the field at his first base position fielding ground balls and pop ups. A pop up came right in front of me and Mattingly caught it. He stopped to sign some balls for the kids and as he went along the line of kids, he passed in front of me, I asked him how his back was feeling (he had been hurt most of the year with a back injury), he smiled, said "It's feeling great, thanks for asking" and he extended his hand and shook my hand. I was in awe. The guy I grew up wanting to be like actually talked to me and shook my hand.

Obviously today I look up to people that have done more for mankind and I look up to people who make a direct difference in people's lives, but having a childhood idol was fun and I think everyone should have one. Who was your childhood "idol"?

It's Monday, voting day! Please cast your vote for "Bored at the Beach!!!" :)Have a great day everyone!