"The Closer"......and I ain't Talkin' Baseball

For those of you who follow baseball, you know that "the closer" is the relief pitcher that comes in to get the final outs of the game which in turn, clears the field and sends everyone home. Right here in NY we have the best "closer" in baseball history, Mariano Rivera:


Not the only "closer" in town 

This post isn't about baseball, it's about another "closer" here in NY that is the master of his craft. That closer is the Sugar V. We all know and love the Sugar V here in the blog world, but most of you don't know that he is blessed with a talent, a talent for being a "closer" with his severe and very smelly gas. This is not a lie. His gas is as big a legend as Paul Bunyan or Babe Ruth's called shot. Let me elaborate.

When I worked with the Sugar V, he would casually come into my office and chat about a variety of topics including his sausage addiction. He would then pass a silent, but very very toxic gas and leave. Within minutes the gas would infiltrate my entire office. No Glade Plug in or fan could take on this beast. This gas had a life of its own and sent me running from the room on many occasions. But recently, there was a much bigger incident.

Recently, I hosted a party at my home. Sugar V and his wife, my neighbors, and some others were cordially invited over for a night of drinking, eating, music, and other shenanigans. Everyone arrived around 9pm and started drinking and socializing. As always, the tables were full of food, and hot foods kept coming out all night. As the night wore on the music got louder and so did the laughs. We were all having a great time and all was well in Long Beach.

About 1:30am, we were all singing and dancing around to some music, when my cell phone started vibrating. I went out in the cold, on my deck to take the call because the music inside was so loud. I spoke for about 4 minutes and came back inside. When I got back into the house all my guests except Sugar V and his wife had their coats on and said "thank you, we are going to go now." One of my neighbors was already gone, he had bolted while I was on the deck. I thought this was strange how one minute a fun party was going on, the next minute, everyone was leaving. I sat with Sugar V and his wife and talked. I found out that one of the guests "got sick" from "drinking" and threw up in my kitchen sink. Not a good sight, but no biggie, water and cleanser washed that away. I was perplexed by the sudden turn of events.

A day or two later, Sugar V and I were chatting on the phone and things started to make a bit more sense. See, while I was on the deck, Sugar V went into my living room where the stereo is and my CD collection. While in a baseball catcher's position perusing my CD catalogs, Sugar V decided to pass some gas, a large cloud of gas. It just so happened the neighbor "who bolted" while I was outside, was right behind Sugar V and got a face full of his wicked fumes. He immediately went home after the gas attack without saying goodbye to anyone. Seconds later another guest took in some of this gas....turns out this was the guest who immediately made a bee line to the kitchen sink and threw up. Coincidence? I think not!!!! Sugar V was the closer that night, in record style. I finally realized what happened to this fun filled party that suddenly shut down like an illegal massage parlor.

With this knowledge of the Sugar V's powers, I have a list of jobs Sugar V could do on the side to rake in some big cash:

Here in NY bars have "last call" right before 4am....being a former bartender, there are always a few people that don't want to leave. Sugar could swing through and gas them out.

Who needs to call an exterminator for that pest problem? A minute with the Sugar V, those pests will leave and never return.

Need the insurgents out of Baghdad? Suit the Sugar V up and send him.

Need wallpaper removed? Why struggle with steams, scrapers, and other devices, gas it off the wall, call 1-800-Sugar Gas, and leave off the last S for stench.

Unfortunately, the party story is 100% accurate....no joke!