C-Mac's Holiday Tips

The Holidays are fast approaching, so I decided to dedicate today's post to offering some friendly holiday advice. I figured that offering these holiday tips 3-4 weeks before the holidays would benefit us all. So here we go with C-Mac's Holiday Tips:

* Don't over extend yourself by acting like a big shot and buying gits you can't afford. The joke will be on you when you can't pay your rent in February and your lights and gas are turned off by the end of January. Don't be a cheap fuck, but don't act like a big shot either. The person you bought the plasma TV for will know you overspent when you are living with them by Superbowl Sunday, so use your head.

* Don't put anything together that requires assembly while drunk, especially items such as kid's bikes or furniture. Reward yourself with some spiked egg nog or another beverage AFTER you put all the shit together. You don't want to spend Christmas morning in the ER.

* If you can see the Christmas lights on your house from Saturn or if your electric meter is spinning faster than an old 78 record, you probably over did it. Sometimes less is more.

* Take the price tags off the shit before you wrap it. Especially if you are a cheap fuck. Peel the $2 price sticker off the bottle of wine you got for the neighbor BEFORE you put that metallic silver bag around it.



"Listen to C-Mac's Tips, Fuckos!!!!" 

* If you are married or in a relationship and you are cheating, don't promise the "other person" you will spend any significant time with them on Christmas. Chances are, the only time you will have for them on Christmas is a quick lie telling your partner you are heading to 7-11 for dip or something else wacky. Unless you wanna bang them or give them their gift under the Slurpee machine, come up with a good lie about a sick relative in Utah and see them before or after the holiday.

* If your kid gets straight F's, has been in trouble all year at school, and is a little fucko, DON'T buy him/her ANY gifts. Running down the stairs on Christmas morning to find NOTHING will snap them out of whatever is causing their fucked up behavior. Send a message this Christmas!!!!

* Unless you want a George Forman grill wedged in your ass, or your dick in a Hamilton Beach blender on the puree cycle, guys, DO NOT buy your woman any kitchen gadgets for the holidays. You know you are not buying it to make their life any easier, you are buying it so you can sit your fat ass on the sofa and eat better food. Buy them something for THEM!!!

* Even if it is 20 degrees below zero the day you go shopping, dress in light spring clothes and leave your coat in the car. You'll be glad you did. It's about 100 degrees in the mall between the heating system and the body heat of 5,000 savages rummaging through the clearance racks. You will freeze your ass off for sure in the 2 minute walk from the car to the store, but you'll be very comfortable for the next few hours not having to wear or carry your coat with 100 packages in hand.

* Don't try to impress your significant other with a technologically advanced gift they will NEVER figure out. Impress them when/where you should, in bed. Leave the gifts simple.

* Don't get too hammered at the office Holiday party. Doing the Forbidden Dance with the 500lb dude from shipping isn't going to get you a bigger bonus. Nor is telling Peggy from accounting that she has B.O. Have a drink or two, then get the hell out of there!

* Steer clear of "Grab Bags" or "Secret Santas"...you always get screwed. You always buy someone something really nice and you walk away with a Chia Pet or a "Sweating to the Oldies" cassette.

* The only "Yule Log" your woman should be watching on Christmas Morning is the one in your pants.

Ok, so I got carried away, once I started, I couldn't stop. Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!!!