Exxon Mobil Corp. has posted record profits for any U.S. company - $10.71 billion for the fourth quarter and $36.13 billion for the year - as the world's biggest publicly traded oil company benefited from high oil and natural-gas prices and solid demand for refined products.
This makes me furious! Our paychecks are being squeezed to the last drop and these fuckos are making a killing by gouging us. It's safe to say that the price at the pump is not going to be lowered anytime soon. With that being said, I came up with a few value added services the oil companies can provide for all of us at the service station each time we fill up. I fully intend on sending these ideas to Exxon-Mobil:
1) Peel my fruit. If I have an orange or an apple in my lunch bag, a service station employee should wash their hands and peel my fruit while the gas is pumping.
2) A cold or hot beverage, depending on the season. While the gas is pumping a drink server should come around and pass out beverages of choice.
3) A Happy Ending. A hot (female, nice try Sugar V) gas station attendant should take me in the "happy ending" booth and jerk me off while the gas is pumping. For women, a hot man should play with them as well. They should hire a staff of hot women and men to do just this.
Give Me A Happy Ending!
4) A quick car wash. Nothing fancy, just get some clean rags and wipe down the vehicle and make it shine a bit. If there is time, shake out my floor mats and throw out any trash.
5) A quick shoe shine. Hell, I am on my way to work and I want to look good. Bust out that black polish and get crackin' fucko!
6) Snacks. With the fuel pries as high as they are, would it kill them to pass out packs of cookies, pretzels, candies, or other treats?
7) A TV at each pump. I want to catch up on news and sports highlights while I am fueling up, get some LCD screens at each pump and hand me the remote.
8) Free stamps. We all have a bill, a letter, or something of that nature in our car that we have to mail. Let these fuckos lick a stamp and get that shit mailed for us.
9) A massage. A nice quick massage would be perfect. Have some hot gas beoch sit in my backseat and massage my shoulders while the gas is pumping.
10) A human "punching bag." Someone we can yell and scream at, curse out, and abuse if we had a bad day. We'd all get home in a great mood at the expense of that fucko.
What would you like included with your fill-up? And by the way was that speech "The State of Iraq's Union" or the State of OUR Union? What a jackass.
10 comments:
take me with you when you "fuel up." I'll jerk you off.
What a great idea - have someone peel my orange or grapefruit! I hate the way my fingers feel even after they're washed...after peeling fruit that is :). And while you're at it, give me free stamps - you're a genius!
Dear Chaz~
I think there should be an expresso bar with a barrista who will serve me a non-fat-soy-single shot-caramel macchiato with no whip. Oh, and I think a cannoli on the side would be nice to snack on, too.
xoxo
Tiny A.
Anonymous has your jerking off handled.
I'll just take a cute drink guy handing out Diet Coke. Hmmmm...also I'd like handyman to fill me up...because..baby it's cold outside!
xoxo
"Peeeeel my fruit" What an imagination you have.
Here are my suggestions:
A pedicure-Just make sure they disinfect and sterilize those instruments.
Stick their hand in my window so my dog can practice his biting. He doesn't get to do it much anymore.
Remember getting a free glass when filling up. I want my glass dammit!
A scratch off ticket with fill up.
I don't think I'd want a massage from a gas station attendant ;)
I'd like $2 back for every dollar I spent fueling up, thank you very much :)
I don't know what YOUR gas station attendents look like...but I don't think I want any of ours giving me a massage :-)
I'll take a free car wash EVERY time...even if I only put 2 bucks worth of gas in.
I'd also like free stamps...stamps are stupid...I think they should always be free...I never use them for anything fun anymore after all :-)
A nice foot massage and mocha latte would be nice. Actually some chilly mornings I'd be happy for someone pumping my gas so i don't have to get out of the car. No full-serve in MD.
I'll take a cafe to go plz!
I want most of those things... Kinda fearful of the "Sexual Favors" station, but I'd definitely like it if someone would at least START my orange...
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