"Crime and NO Punishment"

Before I start today's blog, I just want to say that I hope you are all preparing for National Masturbation Day on Friday! I hope the lube is stocked, the batteries are charged, and the wrists are loose.

Now for today's blog here on the LAST day of February. I expect some quality participation today!!!!! Ok, now this is hypothetical, I don't want all you self-righteous fuckos saying "Oh, I would never commit a crime." Here's the scenario. If you could commit a crime, of any sort, with advanced knowledge that you would NEVER be caught or punished for it, what would you do and why???


Gimme The Loot....... 

I think most people would choose to rob a bank or something of that nature. A quick financial fix is at the top of many people's lists. Mine would not be something like that. I would commit a crime so significant, that it would have an impact on the masses. Something like "taking out" a world leader that most people hate. A leader that has caused suffering or chaos for many people. I'd take one for the team and not fulfill any selfish urges.

If security was too tight and I could not "take out" that leader, I would go to plan B........Kidnapping Christina Aguilera and making her my sex slave......but then again why waste a quality crime on that, especially when I can get it from someone who is willing, and VERY able. I'll stick to my assassination.

Speaking of crime, what's up with George Michael? You think he'd learn after his arrest a few years ago for exposing his dick to an L.A. police officer in a public bathroom. This time he falls asleep in a car with a shitload of drugs in plain site. At least finish that shit before you fall asleep! Guess it beats spanking your "Monkey" in public.

Ok, in the spirit of spanking "monkeys" along with crime and drugs. Here is George Michael's "Monkey" to get you through your Tuesday. I expect some good crime scenarios from all of you! I can see Sugar V dancing already. He looooooooves George Michael and his monkey.

Monkey
By George Michael

Hit the Bullseye, Win A.......BEER??????

Happy Monday to all! (is there such a thing as a happy Monday?) I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was spectacular.

Spring training for Major League Baseball got underway last week. Before we know it, spring will be here and baseball will be in full swing. Whether you are a baseball fan or not, I am sure you'll LOVE this very hilarious story that took place back in 1991 when C-Mac (yours truly) was a 19 year old punk.

Back in the late 80's and early 90's the NY Yankees were horrible. You could get tickets for any game on any given night because nobody wanted to watch their pathetic play. My friends and I would buy the cheapo upper deck seats for a few bucks and wind up down on field level by the 3rd inning because all the seats down there were empty. One night we made SURE we got top notch seats down the left field line as we were ready to pull a stunt that would be reported on ESPN and many local news sportscasts.

Back in 1991, there was an up and coming player who played for the Cleveland Indians named Albert Belle. Belle would wind up being an all-star later in his career and he was known for his loud mouth, fights, problems with reporters, and many suspensions. 1991 was his first full year in MLB and early in May of that year he had an altercation with a fan in Cleveland. The prior year it was reported that Belle was in rehab for alcohol abuse and this was made public through the news. A fan in Cleveland was heckling Belle all night and was chanting "ALKIE" and asked Belle if he wanted to come to a "keg party" after the game. Belle got so fed up, that he picked up a foul ball and threw it as hard as he could hitting that fan in the chest from about 15 feet away. This was all over the news and Belle was suspended for a week. When he returned from his suspension, he was sent to the minor leagues for not running out a fly ball. About a month later, Belle was called back up to the Cleveland Indians and I noticed the Indians were coming to Yankee Stadium a week later.


Hit ME, I Need The Money! 

I was working for a large sporting goods chain store at the time and I told all my friends the idea I had. We bought 50 seats down the left field line (Albert Belle played left field) and we went to the game. We purchased over 300 paper bullseye targets from our sporting goods store, the ones you use at a shooting range or for BB gun practice, and taped them to our chests and handed them out to an additional 250 fans and they taped them to their chests. We bought a megaphone and an air horn. We also brought with us a HUGE white bed sheet that we painted the words "HIT THE BULLSEYE, WIN A BEER!!!!!!" on.

From the first inning on, we chanted "AAAAAALBERT, AAAAAAAALBERT" he would look over and just laugh and smile. By the 3rd inning he realized what the bed sheet said and we got a laugh out of him. After all, this was NY, and many opposing players expect heckling like this when they come to NY. He also got a kick out of the "chest bullseyes" as he knew we represented the fan he hit in the chest earlier that year. By the 5th inning, which was two hours of heckling later, Mr. Belle was no longer amused. He was pointing in our direction and our insults got louder. We led a chants of "This Bud's For You", "Betty Ford", "Just Say No", and many other insulting chants. At this point, many of the maybe 20,000 fans in attendance got in on the fun and the chants. By the 7th inning, Belle snapped. On his way out to the field for the bottom of the 7th, he came up to the stands, cursing us out and demanding that we take down the bed sheet. We refused. He put a leg into the stands and threatened to come in and "kick our asses" but we just kept taunting and we told him "Hit me, I need the money." By then, the umpires and Yankee stadium security got involved. Yankee Stadium security confiscated the bed sheet to a loud roar of 20,000 Ny'ers booing and cursing. That only got the crowd going even more as chants of "Alco-holic, Alco-holic" filled the stadium for the last two innings when Belle was on the field.

When we got home that evening, we saw that our taunts made "Sportscenter" on ESPN and we had taped the Yankees game before we left and fast forwarded it to the 7th inning melee. Although the TV cameras would not show us or the banner, the announcers described a "disturbance going on down the left field line involving Albert Belle." It was a hilarious and memorable night. Don't feel bad for Belle, he turned out to be one of the meanest, most selfish players in baseball history. I am glad we gave him a NY welcome that night.

Have a great start to the week!

"Step" In The Name Of Friday

It is the end of a week that felt like a month! I know the expression is played out but, Thank God Its Friday!!!!

A work week can be long, repetitive, stressful, challenging, and sometimes painful. But, it is the memories of great times we have had in the past, great things currently in our lives, and the optimism about what lies ahead that makes the tougher times much easier.

It could be a call from a friend, a text or an email from someone we miss, the thought of someone we really like, the smile we get from reading each other's blogs, the excitement about the weekend ahead, or a song on the radio that takes us back to a great time in our lives.... that is the difference between a disaster of a day and a good one....a horrible week or a nice one.

Whether it be an early morning chat with Sugar V, an e-mail from Hilda, a comment here on my blog from my "regulars", a text from Tiny A, Bruce wagging his tail like crazy when I come home, or anything in between, the little things make me the happiest.

Today I chose "Step In The Name of Love" by R. Kelly as my Friday Video. I chose it because it reminds me of great times I've had in the past and the optimism I have for what lies ahead. I dedicate this one to "someone special" today. Someone who makes me smile, makes me think, makes me laugh, and always manages to find the right thing to say or do. I am looking forward to "stepping" into a great weekend. I hope you all have a great weekend as well.

Step In The Name Of Love
By R. Kelly

What Would YOU Do........

For a Klondike Bar? Remember those commercials? I actually saw one while I was flipping through the channels the other night and it got me thinking.......


What Would YOU Do???? 

I'd probably just pay the fuckin' 69 cents for one rather than moo like a cow, bark like a dog, or act like a chimp. After all, it is just an ice cream bar.

Ok, say you had not eaten in 6 days, and you were in 97 degree heat in a desert for those 6 days, and you bumped into someone who offered you a frosty, sweet, Klondike Bar...but you HAD to do one of the following acts in order to get it...which would you do? If you don't eat the Klondike, you will die of starvation.

A) The dude that offered you the Klondike is 600lbs and has not showered in 3 weeks and you have to lick his ass for 5 minutes.

B) Stick a foot long piece of cactus in your ass.

c) Rub cooking oil on your genitals and sit in the desert sun for 8 hours.

D) Put a scorpion in your underwear for six hours.

E) Put a dead animal between your ass cheeks and wait for the flying vulchers to come pick it out.

F) Shave any part of your body that has hair, including your head with a rusty old razor found in the desert sand.

Which would you do for a Klondike bar? hahahahaha Have a great Thursday!

Yellow Ribbons and Other Misinterpretations

It is amazing how millions of people can misinterpret a song. Back in 1973, Tony Orlando had a HUGE hit called "Tie A Yellow Ribbon." Once the song got popular, people started tying these yellow ribbons around trees waiting for troops to come home, hostages to be released, and for other "patriotic" reasons. In the age of George W and endless war, we now see magnetic yellow ribbons stuck to gas guzzling SUV's that say "Support the Troops" and other bullshit slogans.


Tie a yellow ribbon around my......... 

Let's take a minute out to examine what "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" was really about. It had nothing to do with Vietnam, hostages, or anything "patriotic." Here are some of the lyrics:

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do
If you still want me
If you still want me

Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do ya still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree


Bus driver, please look for me
'cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison
And my love, she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please

The song was based on an actual incident that occurred aboard a southern bus bound for Miami. One of the passengers explained to the driver that he was just out of prison, having served three years for passing bad checks. In a letter to his wife, he had written that she didn't have to wait for him; but, if she was still interested, she could let him know by tying a yellow ribbon around the only oak tree in the city square. As the bus rolled down U.S. 17, nearing the man's hometown of White Oak, Georgia, the driver was asked to slow down so that all could see whether the ribbon was in place. To the man's tearful relief, it was. The driver pulled over and phoned the story in to the wire services, which spread it all over the country. Songwriters Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown read it in the newspaper, then put together their million-selling ballad.

So basically, tie a yellow ribbon around an "ole oak tree" if you still want a guy that's been gang banged by cellmates for the past three years. Perhaps the song should go:

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree
if you want VD
It's been three long years
and it burns when I pee..........

So many songs have been "misinterpreted" over the years. YMCA is played in stadiums all across America, and it is about gay men in a gym. Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" is about the mistreatment of Vietnam Vets upon their return home, yet people, including former President Ronald Reagan, thought it was a patriotic song. Reagan actually wanted to use it for his 1984 campaign theme song and Springsteen said no. So, then Reagan picks "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp, another song that talks about the hardships in America, another song people misinterpret as patriotic. Needless to say, Mellencamp said no to Reagan as well.

What song do you think is the most misinterpreted of all time?

NINE days until National Masturbation Day!!!!! Get that CVS list ready! Have a great Wednesday!

Holiday.......Celebrate March 3RD!!!!!!!!!!!

President's Day has come and gone. The next "big" holiday that many of us will celebrate is St. Patrick's Day on March 17. Most of us don't realize that there are over 300 holidays celebrated yearly in the United States. Sure, you've heard of the major ones: New Years, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day etc. Then there are the "secondary" holidays like Groundhog's Day, Halloween, Arbor Day, Flag Day, Earth Day....there's a day for just about everyone.

There are "holidays" out there that many of us don't even know about. Here are a bunch, these are all real:

January 15 is . . . . Hat Day
January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day
February 10 is . . . . Umbrella Day
March 19 is . . . . Poultry Day
April 10 is . . . . Golfers Day
May 6 is . . . . . Beverage Day
June 10 is . . . . National Yo-Yo Day
July 30 is . . . . National Cheesecake Day
August 12 is . . . . Middle Child's Day
September 5 is . . . . . Be Late For Something Day
October 16 is . . . . Dictionary Day
November 2 is . . . . . National Deviled Egg Day
December 4 is . . . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day

I have never heard of most of these. Honestly though, how many of us really celebrate the "true" meaning of the holidays? When I say "Memorial Day" the first thing most people think of is bbq's and the beach rather than those who died for our country. "Christmas" for most, means a tree, presents, and egg nog. "Easter" means, chocolate rabbits, colored eggs, and bonnets.

There should be a holiday that has a true meaning. So today, I am starting a new holiday which will be celebrated on March 3rd. I randomly picked that date, mostly because it is approaching and I am counting on all of YOU to spread the word, I am serious. I am declaring March 3rd "National Masturbation Day." Sure, we all masturbate every other day of the year, but I want everyone to to take some time out that day and really treat themselves well. I am not talking about the quick jerk or the quick finger, I am talking lotions, toys, porn, whatever it takes to really get into it. I am really counting on all of you to make this holiday happen. Each day from now until March 3rd, I will be counting down the days until National Masturbation Day. Then on March 3rd, I want you all to share your special masturbation stories. So please, pass this along to friends, co-workers, family, your place of worship, the clerk at the grocery store, your mechanic, your hairdresser, your doctors, your neighbors, etc. Let's make this a special day for ourselves.

TEN days and counting until National Masturbation Day. Mention it on your blogs and pass the word along!!!!!! :)

"If we took a holiday, took some time to masturbate, it would be, it would be so fine"- cmac 2/21/06

HOLIDAY (Madonna)

Brokeback Steakhouse

In light of the recent popularity of "Brokeback Mountain" the Outback Steakhouse chain has decided to open up a new theme restaurant called "Brokeback" Steakhouse. I sent Sugar V in there last night to do some investigative reporting to let us all know what goes on in a "Brokeback" Steakhouse.


"No Girls, Just Right" 

Here is what the menu looked like:

Salad:

The 'TOSSED' Salad- The waiter in the "chaps" will come to your table and toss your salad right in front of everyone.

Soup:

An Asian Delight. Cream of Sum Yeung Guy.

Appetizers:

Rocky Mountain Oysters, AKA Bull's Testicles.
Assorted Nuts. Nuts of all shapes, sizes and tastes.
Melon Balls.
Jumbo Meatballs.
Wieners in a blanket.

Entrees:

9" Tube Steak, cooked the way you like it.
"Suck-U-Lent" Rump Roast.
"Cock-a-doodle-DO" Delicious chicken in a KY glaze.
The 12" T-Boner.
From the sea: Steamed Trouser Trout.
An old favorite, Sausage links.

Desserts:

Fruitcake.
"Flaming" Banana Flambee.
Ben and Jerry's Chunky Spank The Monkey Ice Cream.
"Rainbow" Sorbet.

"Cock"tails:

The blow job
Jim and Tonic
Rum and Cock
The orgasm
Cosmopolitan
Sex on the Beach
Fuzzy Naval
The Hairy Nipple
Irish "cream"

Sugar V also mentioned the live band playing called the "Bath-House boys."

On the skin flute, Heyward Jahblome
On the drums, Ben Dover
On the piano, Jack Mehoff
On lead vocals, Harry Chester

Sugar V also mentioned celebrities working there. George Michael is the celebrity bathroom attendant. Boy George is a bus "boy." Elton John was the hostess. Tom Cruise was spotted in there with Keaneu Reeves. Oh, and Ricky Martin was Sugar's waiter.

Have a great President's Day Weekend, I'll be back on Tuesday!

C-Mac's Friday "Message"

Yay! We made it through another week. For many, a long weekend ahead. Once again, it is video Friday here at the beach.

The other night, Tiny Amester and I sat around talking about a host of topics, music being one of them. We talked about many different genres including rap music. Tiny A mentioned that someone once told her that rap artists are the last of the rhyming poets. I couldn't agree more.

Haters of rap music never really listen to what the songs are about, what the writer was thinking or experiencing when he/she wrote the song. Granted, most of the "new" rap music out there is about the same shit...bling, booty, booze, and bitches. But, if you go back 20 years or so, to the roots of rap music, it is an entirely different art form. Rappers spoke about real life experiences, life in the ghetto, hardships, relationships, discrimination, and other things many of us can relate to.

Today, I picked a song that I've loved since I was a kid. In my opinion, the best rap song ever written. Many people give the Sugarhill Gang's "Rappers Delight" all the credit for putting rap music "on the map" but I truly feel it was this song that got the ball rolling for rap music and rap artists. Raw lyrics, amazing beats, and a true picture of what life was like in the ghetto in the late 70's/early 80's here in NYC. Throw in a terrific video, and we are off to the weekend Grandmaster Flash style. Poetry, indeed.

THE MESSAGE (Grandmaster Flash)

Have a great weekend everyone!!!!!!

Thursday Thoughts

What is the proper amount of space to give someone, or that someone should give you at a walk up ATM machine? I say 6'-8' is appropriate. I hate people that come right in my ATM buffer zone.


Give Me Some Space! 

I also feel that you should allow a buffer zone at a drive up ATM machine. I allow about a car length's space between my car and the car in front of me at the machine. Do you know what annoys me? People on foot that walk up to drive-up ATM machines. Then you don't know how much space to give those fuckos.

Ok, I have a question for the ladies today. Since most of my readers are women, this is perfect. Let's generalize for a moment. It is safe to say that the "standard" sexual fantasy for most men is a 3-some with him and 2 women. What would you say the "standard" sexual fantasy is for most women, it may not necessarily be yours, but what do you think the female "standard" or majority sexual fantasy is? I am awaiting your replies......I think it either involves something "romantic" like the whole being swept off your feet by the "prince on the white horse" or some kind of sexual domination.........that may or may not involve a horse. hahahaha

Why does Geraldo Rivera keep getting all these new TV shows? This guy blows. Back in the 1980's this asshole made us all watch him open the "secret" vault of Al Capone, only to humiliate himself in front of millions when it was empty. That should have been the end of his career right there and then. That wasn't enough though. This guy has been pummeled by the KKK on his talk show, he drew a "map" in the sand when he was imbedded with our troops in Iraq, letting the world, and the enemy know where they were....it never ends. How is this guy still on TV getting new shows? Does anyone really like him? But then again we can say how or why to so many things....why is OJ free, why is George W president, why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one...the list goes on and on.

Anyway, have a great Thursday....hang in there, the weekend is coming up!

Laziness

We all get a little lazy every now and again. Perhaps we lounge around on a Sunday without a care in the world, doing nothing. That's fine, we work hard all week. But when it comes to getting things done, things that NEED to be done, things that our well-being, our safety, our financial security, our families, or our health depend upon, there is a time to get off of our asses and get it done.

Yesterday on the way to work, I witnessed laziness in its purest form. It has been two full days since the snowstorm, yet this asshole was riding in front of me on route 107 in Hicksville........


The definition of LAZY! 

Not only couldn't he see out his back window, his side windows and his windshield were covered as well. There was a tiny peep hole that he was looking out in order to drive, kind of like the hole on a front door that you look through to see who is ringing the bell. Well, I followed this douche nozzle for about a mile, then I pulled along side of him at a light. I blew my horn to get his attention and motioned for him to roll down the window. Here is how the conversation went:

C-Mac: Are you handicapped?
Man: What?
C-Mac: Are you handicapped, you know, unable to get around without assistance?
Man: No, why?
C-Mac: 'Cause if you were, I'd offer to help you clean your car.
Man: Clean my car?
C-Mac: Yeah, you know, the foot of snow that's covering your hood and windows.
Man: Mind your own business!
C-Mac: It is MY business. You could kill one of us by not being able to see.
Man: I can see fine.
C-Mac: Something tells me you'd see better minus the foot of snow.
Man: I'll get to it later.
C-Mac: Before or after you mame some school kid?
Man: Leave me alone.
C-Mac: Next time, instead of playing with yourself, try playing with a snow brush.

C-Mac drives off.

There was another thing that annoyed me today as well. With Valentine's Day being so commercialized, you would think EVERYONE would know it is ValentiNes Day, not ValentiMes Day. I actually heard two people call it ValentiMe's Day. Where have these people been hiding all of their lives?

It also annoys mewhen people say "old fashion" instead of "old fashioned"...."ice tea" instead of "iced tea"...the "point is mute" instead of the point is "moot".....what sayings do you hate the most that people fuck up?

Have a great Wednesday! I sure am looking forward to tonight....... :)

What Is Love?

First, a "Valentine's Day" cartoon, C-Mac style.


True Love Indeed....... 


Based on my daily conversations and interactions with people from all walks of life, I really feel strongly that the one area in most people's lives that causes stress and takes up most of their time and energy is one of the following:

1) Trying to get someone to be with you/love you
2) Trying to maintain a relationship/keep someone interested
3) Finding the "right" person for you
4) Trying to "change" someone
5) Stressing out/hoping someone will leave someone else for you

FIVE MYTHS OF LOVE:

1. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL MEET ALL MY NEEDS.
Even if you have found your "soul mate," one person cannot be the sole source of your satisfaction. That's too big a burden, and impossible besides. Your partner is a human being. You'll need multiple sources - God, friends, family, a strong sense of life purpose, healthy self esteem, and a willingness to take responsibility for your own happiness.

2. I CAN CHANGE MY PARTNER.
OK, out there, hands up if you've ever tried this one. Did it work? Both men and women fall prey to this delusional temptation. There is only one person you can change. Guess who it is? There's a famous quote, "Be not angry that you cannot make another as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."

3. LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.
Though love is ultra-powerful in its pure and spiritual form, the feelings we call love can be ultra-fragile in the face of major differences in values, backgrounds, behavioral styles, and personal habits. Face those differences and their practical implications head on before making a commitment.

4. LOVE IS A FEELING.
I hinted at this one a moment ago. Yes, real love contains feelings, but those butterfly-in-the-stomach, heart-throbbing feelings come and go. Love is a verb. It's about doing - even in those temporary times when you inconveniently don't have wonderful feelings to stimulate the positive action.

5. WE'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
There's an additional hidden assumption here: If it's real love, you won't have to work at it. Even the best relationships have potholes, tragedies, and disappointments. As Shakespeare said, "the course of true love never did run
smooth". Truth is, a marriage certificate is really a work permit. Sometimes the most important thoughts we have are those that contradict our emotions. In every stage of a relationship, especially in the early stages, love can be blind.

Get real in your expectations, and you can save yourself from many unnecessary disappointments.

Love means different things to different people. For me, it is not about the "butterflies" or the "mystery" of someone new. It is really about getting to know someone and connecting on a higher level. It is about really understanding someone, really "getting" them. It is not about the early stages and someone letting you see what they want you to see, it is about finding out all their quirks and habits and caring about them even more. It's about sharing, the sharing of knowledge, experiences, activities, cultures, and tons of other things. It is about bringing out the best in each other, encouragement, inspiration, and motivation. But you truly have to love yourself before you can love someone else. That I believe.

As you all know, I am not a fan of this day. Love should be celebrated every day if you are truly with the person you love. But in the "spirit" of the day, I will leave you with one of my favorite "love" songs. I've always said that one of the saddest things in life is when two people love each other and can't be together. This song really showcases this. No matter where I am when I hear this song, I get choked up. So, each day, including a "Hallmark holiday", cherish the times you have with the person you love and never take them for granted..........

Get Here
By Oleta Adams

Have a great Tuesday!

Rubbernecking

I hate the word rubbernecking. The only thing worse than the word "rubbernecking" is the act of rubbernecking. I've been driving since I was 17 and I've come to realize that people will slow down to look at just about anything.


Keep on moving fucko!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


Hypocrite! 

With the huge snowfall here over the last couple of days, there are sure to be some car accidents and fender benders over the next few days. I never understood why people slow down and gawk at car accidents. What are they hoping or expecting to see? Someone on fire? A head laying on the median? A corpse? What is it that the average commuter hopes to see? Let's say that head actually IS laying in the road.....and you see it....now what? You have a good dinnertime story later on that night? A good water cooler story at the office? I just don't get it.

The head may be something out of the ordinary to see, and I can somewhat understand someone slowing to take a peek, how often do you get to see a head on a highway? But what pisses me off more than anything is when you are stuck in traffic for like an hour and you FINALLY get up to what's causing the slowdown and it is some dude broken down on the side of the road looking under his hood. What the fuck???????? People acctually slow down to see some clueless asshole looking under his hood? One morning, some dude was broken down and parked over on the side of the parkway. He was in a suit, apparently on his way to work when he broke down. What was he doing? He was doing what 90% of people who break down on the road do, staring under the hood. What the fuck is that going to do??? Unless you know how to fix a car, why even bother? If it's something minor, and you are somewhat bright, perhaps you can do a quick fix to get yourself to a local service station. If it's something major why fuck with things under that hood???? You aren't going to fix your transmission with a plastic spork from last week's Taco Bell run. Just call someone!!!!! I like just watching the look on these people's faces who think they are going to fix their electrical system with a 7-11 coffee stirrer and a Big Gulp lid.

About six years ago, I came home from work, dinner in hand, and discovered that a jogger had collapsed in front of my house. All the neighbors were outside watching the EMS crew performing CPR on the man. I saw that the medics were there and that my meal was getting cold, so I headed in to eat my dinner. The next day I ran into my neighbor and he asked me why I did not come over to see what was going on. I responded by asking him what value was I going to bring to the situation? EMS was working on the guy, what was I going to do? Had I come home and discovered the guy in the road with nobody around, sure I would have helped. But since EMS was there and the man was getting care, what was I going to get out of watching with 50 other people besides a cold dinner? If I were the jogger, I would not want an audience watching me......

So the next time you see something on the side of the road, even a head, keep it moving!!! A plane crash, ok, stop and have a look. Earthquake damage, ok, I'll let that slide. A fuckin' volcano erupting, by all means, slow down and snap a picture or two, but a fender bender, get a life!!!!

Have a great start to the week everyone!

Blizzard at the Beach

It is Saturday Night and I am snowbound here at the beach. The snow started falling lightly around 3pm and is INTENSE to say the least right now at 9:30pm. We are expecting about 15" of snow tonight into tomorrow.


The Blizzard of 2006....... 

As you all know, I despise winter, but a blizzard on a Saturday Night, when I don't have to drive or be anywhere is ok with me. The only thing that is missing right now is a little snoring grizzly bear here in my room with me and Brucey boy. He was rolling around like one crazed dog earlier in the snow. He's going to have a blast tomorrow......


Little bears snore the loudest...... 

It's been a pretty mild winter so far here on Long Island. It still amazes me how people panic when they hear about a snow event that is forecasted. People take to the roads and speed to the local supermarkets in fear of being "snowed in". The first thing that always seems to sell out in the stores is milk and white bread. WHY????? Are people sitting around by their fireplaces, by their windows watching the snow, or around the TV chomping on loaves of Wonder Bread and chugging milk by the gallon? I just don't get it! If I am snowed in, I want snacks and substantial foods, not Wonder and milk! I think booze, condoms, and chocolate should be the blizzard shopping staples. People stock up when they hear we are getting snow like we live in the mountainous areas of Colorado. What's the longest we've ever been snowed in on Long Island, ONE or TWO days? People buy food and panic like we won't get out of our driveways until Easter.

I saw a woman in King Kullen supermarket right before the blizzard of '96 with about 15-20 loaves of white bread in her cart. I actually went up to her and asked her, "why so much white bread?" She replied, "Mind your own fuckin' business." I went on to say, "That's alot of French Toast lady." On that same trip to the store, I had a half gallon of milk in my cart which was stolen by someone when I was looking at other items because they had just run out of milk. Insane huh? People just snap and think the worst. I was very surprised on 9/11/01 how nice people were. You would think that people would go nuts. I think the only reason people were calm that day was because they were scared and couldn't/didn't plan for it. In a real emergency that we know about days in advance, people will kill you for a can of soup or a slice or Wonder. Six inches of snow forecasted here equals3 feet in some people's twisted minds.

Blizzard Update 11:00am 2/12/06


Blizzard Bruce! 


Silly Dog.... 


One Cold Nose! 


Sled? Where? 

Because The Night...........

Belongs to lovers. It is video Friday and I chose one of my all-time favorites. "Because the Night" 'Unplugged' by 10,000 Maniacs puts me in a cheery mood no matter where I am when I hear it. There's something about Natalie Merchant's voice that is so soothing to me. Her voice conjures up so many memories and puts my soul at ease.

This song is amazing in so many ways. Lyrically it just paints a picture.

"Have I doubt, baby, when I'm alone
Love is a ring on the telephone
Love is an angel, disguised as lust
Here in our bed 'til the morning comes"

Throw in the string section, the piano, and Natalie's voice and it is a recipe for something unforgettable. Not many people know that Bruce Springsteen wrote this song. Before 10,000 Maniacs, Patti Smith covered this tune. Bruce is my favorite artist of all time and I've heard him perform this tune hundreds of times live and on cd, but Natalie just gives it something extra.

This "Unplugged" performance took place back in October of 1993 and brings back SO many feelings and memories. I was living alone in my first apartment, going to school, and managing a retail store back then. This song takes me back to those days, when life was so simple and uncomplicated. It used to play over the store music system like every two hours back then because it was so popular. Every time I hear it, it takes me back to that job, my friends, and those times. Enjoy this great tune and the weekend!

BECAUSE THE NIGHT (10,000 Maniacs)

What REALLY Happens on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is the biggest bullshit holiday of the calendar year. It is not a genuine holiday by any means. People are "nice" and do for others because they feel they "have to" rather than because they want to.

Ladies, would you rather get a nice card, flowers, candy, or anything else on a random day throughout the year, or on a day that Hallmark tells us we have to give it to you? A day that "everyone" is doing it kind of takes the real thought out of it, huh? Love should be celebrated all year round, not on a commercialized day in February and not by bringing home $100 roses, shitty candy, and by "going through the motions." Love should be celebrated by daily actions, words, thoughts by two people GENUINELY in love.

Anyway, that's my Valentine's Day rant. Now let's talk about what REALLY happens on Valentine's Day!


Cupid is a fucko........ 

Forget the Hallmark commercials, here is what REALLY happens on February 14th:

*The battered, black and blued girlfriend will be treated to a hearty meal at the local Sizzler by her loving and caring boyfriend. If dinner goes well and she orders from the kids menu like he told her before entering the restaurant, she'll only get smacked 6 times when they get home rather than the usual 12+.

*The cheating husband who bangs his secretary each night throughout the year, will actually go home "early" that night to spend a romantic evening with his wonderful wife. Awwwww...Valentine's Day just brings out the best in all of us doesn't it?

*The girlfriend who whines and bitches every day of the year, will have her one day (MAYBE) of actually shutting the fuck up and being satisfied.

*The 400lb wife will be 420lbs by February 15th from the man-hole cover sized chocolate heart she will inhale as soon as she gets it. Her ass will go from 3 axe handles wide to a solid 5 axe handles wide.

*The trailer park dude wearing the spaghetti stained wife beater will only ask his "bitch" to get him 4 beers that night, rather than the 8 he usually makes her get him. A well deserved rest for her.

*The desperate housewife will only bang the mailman and the telephone repair man that morning so she can rest up for a nice Valentine's evening with her husband. The milkman, the electrician, the plumber, and the newspaper boy will have to wait until the 15th.

*The LIFETIME (Television for whiney bitches) Network's ratings will soar on Tuesday. Every man hater who is home all pissed off about being single will have the male bashing channel on and will be hating men even more. Lifetime's movie marathon will put the Superbowl's ratings to shame.

*Prostitutes will be working overtime. Every horny/lonely male loser will get his yearly lay on Valentine's Night. Hunt's Point in the Bronx will be a real romantic place come Tuesday Night.

*The Hallmark corporation will be laughing all the way to the bank as we all head out and buy $6 greeting cards with cheesy sayings. Perhaps if Hallmark sold shit like this, I'd buy:


Nothin' says you love her ghetto booty more than this little mofo..... 

OR:


True Love Indeed 

Don't forget, Valentine's Day is just 5 days away, SUCKERS!

Have a great Thursday!

Let's Spice Up The Olympics

I admire the athletes who train for years, many of them for a majority of their lives, for the Olympic Games. They are some of the most dedicated athletes in the world and they should be admired for their focus and determination. I do, however, have a problem with the winter olympics in general, they are boring. People have lost interest.


Let's Make These Games A Bit More Interesting 

I thought I would list a few winter olympic events and come up with some ways in which we could make the games a bit more interesting for the spectators and the people at home watching on TV.

The LUGE:


ZZZZZZZZZZZ.......BORING! 

Let's be real, this is a fucker laying on a sled and sliding down a track. Not really exciting, huh? I see many 6-year olds doing this on a snow day. I think we could easily correct this problem by installing "trap doors" on the track that just open up randomly. If a luge rider happens to hit one of these, he will fall in the hole and vanish. Race over for him, no medal, no nothing. Just some broken bones and a broken sled. The ratings would skyrocket!!!!

Speed Skating:


Skating in circles........booooooooring! 

Let's face it, this is no contact roller derby. Skaters just skating in circles, very fast. Wake me up for the next event, ok? This sport is easy to fix. Full contact. Knock the other skater on his ass. Kick him while he's down. Currently, they put bales of hay around the perimeter of the rink to "break the fall" of a speed skater. I say let's go with razor wire. Again, ratings will soar and people will one again be olympic crazy.

Curling:


Shuffleboard for younger folks...... 

If I want to watch shuffleboard, I'll head to the local nursing home. This game needs BIG changes. I say push this 42lb granite stone with a kitchen broom and let wild and angry animals out on the ice while you are trying to aim for the target. A bullseye indeed, but minus a limb. That's a sport.

Ice dancing needs to be changed too. I say nude couples ice dancing, lesbian couples. Talk about ratings......

Snowboarding is now an olympic sport. This should stay an X game sport or a Mountain Dew commercial sport.

Bobsledding. Let's make it a rule that the sleds themselves be made of aluminum beer and soda cans.....one bad turn, that shit falls apart......fun!

Skiing. It's a great Olympic sport, but I say add speeding snowmobiles to the course, zipping by the skiers, cutting them off, causing chaos and confusion. A few casualties would spice things up.

Olympic ratings and the interest in the Olympics continues to fall with each passing Olympiad. Spice things up a bit, and the fans will return. What's next, Ice Fishing? Also, don't drag this shit out for 14 days, cut it down to a long 3-day weekend. President's Day weekend would be perfect. What Olympic event would you change?

Happy "hump" Day!!!

The Blogger

We all blog and visit blogs daily for a reason. Sometimes we are in search of a laugh, sometimes in search of a good story, sometimes we're just bored at work or on the sofa at home. Whatever the reason, we all seem to gravitate to these blogs daily.

After months of commenting on each other's blogs and having the same people come and comment on our own, we have all become a big blogging community or family. Those who read blogs daily but don't have a blog of their own may not understand, but if you have a blog of your own, you understand. You get to "know" people here and you sort of track their daily and weekly happenings on here.

We all have our own unique style of writing. Each of us has our own unique and different story to tell, that's what makes the blogging world such an interesting place.


We are all "artists" in our own unique way.... 

Recently, I've seen some of the best bloggers shut down or seriously consider closing shop. It's upsetting. It's hard to describe, but it is like losing a member of the "family." The most common reason people close down their blogs seems to be the feeling that they aren't being creative, or that they have run out of things to say or whatever. I think this is silly. Take it from a blogger that started out with a following of 3 people, peaked out at 50+ comments a day, and now gets about 12 regulars and a dozen or two occasional readers weekly. You have to write for you. Even if the blog is occasionally used as just a place to vent when you have a bad day, a place to pass a long a funny story, make a silly observation, whatever, you have to write for you.

I write because it is an outlet. Sure, the fact that many of you start your morning here is a motivating factor for me each day to come up with something "entertaining" or mildly amusing, but I will write about whatever is on my mind. Some days it is going to be boring, some days sarcastic, some days bitter, some days hysterical, some days just blah. But, it is me, take me or leave me.

I've been complimented on here, praised, encouraged, motivated, and all that good stuff. But, I've also been berated, insulted, criticized, and a host of other negative things, it comes with the territory. If I want the good stuff that comes along with pouring out my thoughts in a public forum, I also have to accept the harshness that comes with it as well. It is like anything else in life.

I suppose my point today is to just be yourself, how you are feeling that day. As you all know, I play devil's advocate on here, I am sarcastic at times, I can come across like a real arrogant asshole at times, but it is what I am thinking or feeling that day at that moment in time. All of our blogs are unique and we love the variety. Everyone listed on my blog links, brings their own style and character to the blog world. I love it and the "melting pot" of ideas and lifestyles.

The only "regret" I have about blogging is having too many people that were or are close to me know about my blog. Although I don't get too personal, I don't like knowing that people I don't particularly like anymore can just come here to see what's going on with me. I feel that I have to censor myself because of some of these people as well. I think I'd be a lot more "open" about things if I had not let certain people know about this blog. But, trust me, I say enough, its not always in your face, but I always get my point across.

For those of you who are thinking about closing shop...DON'T! We love you and your unique style. I won't bust out singing "We are Family" like a cheesy wedding after the drinks are flowing, but in a way, we are family.

"I Saw The Sign"

No, not Sugar V's favorite band, Ace of Base's, "I Saw the Sign", but those stupid warning and instructional signs in restaurants and bars. Tiny A and I got to talking about this Saturday Night at a Jazz Bar in NYC. The choking instruction signs and other signs cracked us up. Look at this thing:


HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!! 

Ok, my friend (Sugar V) is choking on a sausage and is turning blue. Do I really stop and read this sign, step by step, or do I just start punching his back? I have to choose punching his back while I scream "WHY ARE YOU EATING SAUSAGES AGAIN?????!!!!!" Seriously though, what if you are a few tables away from the chart? Do you do step one, then run back to the sign, read step two, run back to the victim, then do step two and so forth? I wonder if this sign has actually saved anyone. It actually looks a little perverted. Notice the breast grab. I have to try that one, grab a breast at a bar and tell the girl I thought she was choking......that's a good ice breaker. Honestly, maybe posting this chart in a restaurant is logical, but in a bar? I think THIS sign is more appropriate for a bar.....


More Like It........ 

Let's face it.... that's all anyone will be choking on in a bar, or shortly afterwards......may as well get schooled.

The "Surgeon General's Warning" signs about pregnant women drinking alcohol is another great one.


Necessary? 

Does this need to be explained? If a woman six months pregnant walks into a bar and orders a drink, she's probably got bigger problems...like figuring out which of the twelve guys she banged is the baby's daddy.....

I hope you all had a great weekend. I can truly say this was the BEST one for me in a really long time. I had a blast. I am a bit tired, but it was well worth it. Great company, no matter what you do, is the key to having a great time or having a sucky time. This weekend, I couldn't have asked for company any better. UGH!....back to work today....enjoy the start of the week everyone!!!