American Nightmare

Happy Thursday! My 600th posting here at the beach! Yet another milestone.

I've watched American Idol since it started back in 2002. I find the competition a lot of fun, and since I love music so much, it is enjoyable for me to watch. This season has been tough so far. The first four episodes have been a trainwreck. It's full of horrible people who just make fools of themselves and waste everyone's time. Some people like to watch the early stages of the competition because all the "bad" people are shown auditioning. I enjoy the competition much better in the later stages, like the final 10.



Season 5....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

When Idol first started, a few thousand people would audition. The line would stretch around the block and down the street. Now there are tens of thousands of people auditioning that pack into stadiums, this is absurd. You could weed 3/4 of these people out right off the bat without even hearing them sing. I would have some simple elimination rules that would stop these fuckos right at the gate.

C-Mac's American Idol banned list:

OBESE PEOPLE- Yup, I said it. A fat fuck named Ruben Studdard won American Idol in season 2, and you see where his career is. The runner up, Clay Aiken has had a FAR more successful career. Ruben is appearing on Sesame Street and doing Jiffy peanut butter commercials while Clay has sold millions of records. America will not embrace a fat fuck, period. It may be a shame, but it's true. A scale should be placed at the turnstile and fat fucks should be turned away. That would eliminate 1/3 of the assholes ready to audition.

FEMININE ACTING MEN- Once again, you will never win. You waste our time auditioning with Celine Dion songs and prancing around the stage like a fruitcake. Stay home where you have access to your sister's panties and bras and where you can use your karaoke machine, or perhaps a hairbrush in front of the mirror in your mom's cocktail dress.

ASSHOLES WITH GIMMICKS- If you show up with a mannequin, magic tricks, pets, good luck charms, etc., you should be sent home immediately. If I wanted to make something disappear, I'd cut you in pieces and hide you in a trunk you sorry excuse for a singer.

PEOPLE MISSING TEETH- Enough said.

HUMAN "BEAT BOXES"- It's not 1982. I am pretty sure America isn't looking for a new "artist" with a CD full of a man spitting in a microphone.

FAD DANCERS- Break dancers, fuckos doing the robot, people doing the running man, the cabbage patch, the "New Kids" Dance or any other outdated dance should be shot on sight.

ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY "ARE THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL"- This is the kiss of death. Every asshole who claims to be "the next American Idol" before they audition suck the worst. Escort them to their cars or back to their trailer homes.

ANYONE WHO CLAIMS THAT SINGING IS THEIR DREAM- These are the assholes who give a sob story about their hard life, their kids going hungry, childhood abuse, quitting their jobs so they could come to Idol to audition, etc. Their "dream" usually turns out to be our nightmare when they hit that first note.

ASIAN MEN- Let's get real. William Hung, need I say more?

If they automatically eliminated people that fit into those categories, it would cut the number of people auditioning from like 40,000 to a respectable 10,000 or so.

Who am I forgetting?

Wacky Wednesday

This week is dragging, and it needs to end...NOW! So, to get us through the rest of this long-ass week, welcome to WACKY WEDNESDAY!!!!!!

Have any of you ever tried to masturbate with the other hand? Like if you are right handed, trying it with the left hand? I guess one can look at it as a blind date or a new pal. Something unfamiliar and new.......since we are on the masturbation topic, what's the wackiest place you ever masturbated? (ASK Sugar V about this one, he has a great wack-off story...it cracked me up when he told me) I would have to say the wackiest place I ever rubbed one out was on my pogo stick at age 13, hahaha, just kidding.....I would have to say in my car like 10 years ago.....I just got an urge.

Who remembers the first time they masturbated? I was like 14 in 8th grade, and I stumbled upon jerking off by accident. I was laying in bed, thinking about this hot girl who sat next to me in English class. I started touching and rubbing down there and before I knew it I was like, WHOA what the fuck is happening....it was quite strange, but it was all downhill from there. Once I stumbled upon that talent and craft, there was no looking back!

We all know about Sugar V's gas issues and how he can clear out a party, but have you ever been alone and had gas in a confined area like your car and startled yourself it was so bad? C'mon, it's happened to all of us, whether we are regularly gassy or not...you know you've opened all the car windows at one point or another to catch your breath.....

I saw something disturbing on the news yesterday. Joey Buttafuoco, Mary-Jo Buttafuoco, and Amy Fisher are having a REUNION show. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD???????? Amy Fisher shoots the wife of the man she is sleeping with, goes to jail for a decade, and now they are having a fuckin' reunion show. I suppose if people watch "Dancing With The Stars" and "Skating With Celebrities" they will watch anything.


Are You Talkin' To Me? 

If we were to go into Amy Fisher's pocketbook and stumble upon her IPOD, I wonder what tunes would be on there? I have some ideas, feel free to add yours......

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot" Pat Benatar
"Shot In The Dark" Ozzy
"Joey" Concrete Blonde
"Seventeen" Winger
"Young Lust" Pink Floyd
"Back on the Chain Gang" Pretenders

Have a great day everyone!!!!!

Something Right Out of Seinfeld......

Tell me this couldn't be a Seinfeld episode......

On Saturday I was up early as usual. On weekends, I have a side business that earns me some extra cash. No, it's not pimping, the lease for the whorehouse ran out in October, so I am done with that....for now. Anyway, on the way to a client of mine, I was stopped in traffic at a busy intersection waiting on a red light to turn green. I was about 20 miles from home in Great Neck. Three high school aged girls were walking on the median with a sign that said "Help Kids With Cancer" and they were carrying a big bucket. They were approaching cars and looking for donations. I reached into the console and threw about $2.00 worth of coin in the bucket and was greeted with an enthusiastic "THANK YOU!!!"

After my appointment with my client, I headed back to Long Beach. I figured I'd stop for lunch then head home to check on Bruce before my next appointment. I turned on to Long Beach road and headed towards home. When I got into Oceanside, I had to stop at a light that is NEVER green. (we all have one of those nearby, huh?) Wouldn't you know it, more high school girls looking for money for kids with cancer. Ok, even though I just donated a couple of hours ago 20 miles away, they wouldn't believe me, and I did not want to look like a mean fucko....so I looked in the console...no more change!!! I reached in my pocket, I had one single, a five, and five twenties in there, so I tossed in my single and got another enthusiastic, "THANK YOU!!!!"



A Cancer Fighting Army..... 

I then headed out to lunch. The lunch bill for Tatiana and I came to $19.25 at the pizzaria. I dumped my 75 cents change into the "tip cup" on the counter, we had lunch and headed home. I checked on Bruce and headed to my next appointment. Straight from my next appointment, which I got paid via check. I decided to do the weekly food shopping. I drove about ten minutes to the local supermarket and got out of my car. Wouldn't you know it.....MORE teenage girls, this time, outside the entrance to the store, soliciting money for the SAME charity I already donated to TWICE that day. I thought I could be slick and slip past them, but....Noooooooooooo. The girls approach me and say, "Pleeeeeeeease donate to help kids with cancer, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease." So, now I am fucked, I have NO singles, I threw my 75 cents change from the pizzaria into the tip cup...so now I only had four twenties and a five in my pocket. So I give them my five and get the "THAAAAAAAAANK YOU!!!!!, That was soooooooo nice of you" giggly voice from the girls. So, I head into the store and do my shopping.

The exit door, is FAR away from the entrance door, wouldn't you know, they had some of the army there too!!!!! Of course, different kids, who looked at me with those sad eyes. Now, do I say, I donated this morning at 10, on the road at noon, and at the store entrance 45 minutes ago? Who would believe me? They would call me a rat bastard, a fucko, and every other thing. Thankfully, I had some coin from my change in the supermarket....and dumped that in to receive the loud, high pitched, "THAAAAAANK YOU!!!!!" I said to the girls, "You have quite and army out there today, huh?" They laughed and said, "yeah, why do you ask?" I explained to them all my donations and how they appeared everywhere I went that day. It was good for a nice laugh.....

So when I got home and turned up my driveway, wouldn't you know it, three more girls soliciting money for the same charity. hahahaha just kidding, the three girls were the ho's from the whorehouse that went bust in October. They were just checkin' in with pimp cmac as to when the new whorehouse was opening.......

Have a great Tuesday!!!!

Rainy Monday

Wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day. What's up everyone and welcome to yet another Monday.

I had a really great weekend, capped off by hanging out with Tiny A. Six hours passed like it was an hour, I had so much fun. What are the odds of two people showing up wearing the SAME colored sweater, especially when it's an off color like a rust color? Very strange indeed. Have you ever met someone that you could just talk to for hours on end and never get bored? That's Tiny A. Great person and a lot of fun.....look forward to hanging again!

This weekend also consisted of a TON of clothes and music shopping. I got some great new clothes and some even better new music. If you want good "banging" music, you must pick up Jamie Foxx's CD titled "Unpredictable." That CD will get you in a pipe layin' mood real quick. hahaha I also picked up Sean Paul's "The Trinity", Eminem's greatest called "Curtain Call", The Hassidic reggae artist "Matisyahu", Damian Marley's "Welcome to Jamrock" and Notorious BIG's "Duets, the final chapter." I love all my new musical purchases.

Today I wanted to share a great story with all of you about the Sugar V. Last spring, when we worked together, a funny incident happened. Sugar V and I were on the safety committee at work. Basically, we went to monthly meetings and got involved in orchestrating fire and safety drills and stuff like that. Sugar V was on this committee for years, I had just signed on to the committee. One day we had a fire drill on a nice warm spring day. I was outside taking attendance and talking on the walkie talkie to the other safety officers making sure all employees were accounted for. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a man running out of the building at top speed, his hair flowing in the breeze, wearing an orange vest and carrying something orange. At first glance I thought it was David Hasselhoff and that "Baywatch" was being filmed on location in NY.


The Sugar V Saves the Day! 

When I looked closer, it was Sugar V running out of the building in his orange "safety vest" and carrying an orange "safety kit." Where he was running to in such a hurry, I will never know. In the middle of the fire drill I yelled, "IT'S DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!!!" The entire building was laughing so hard, knowing EXACTLY what I meant and seeing the uncanny resemblance. It was something I'd tease him about for months........

I hope everyone's week is off to a great start!!!

A Rare Saturday Post

Hey! I was inspired to write after a Friday Night/Saturday of shopping and booze. In my clothes shopping travels, I stumbled into a music store to purchase Damian Marley's CD "Welcome to Jamrock." If you love reggae, it's a must have. While in the music store browsing the reggae section, the sales clerk picked up a cd and asked, "do you know of this artist?" In her hand was a CD that read "Matisyahu." I responded, "no, is he good?" The clerk told me he was a new reggae phenomenon. I took her word and bought the CD. I popped it in the stereo when I got home and was REALLY impressed. Matisyahu is actually a Hassidic Jewish reggae artist. No joke! I did some research about this dude on the internet and he is building up quite a following. The album titled "LIVE at Stubb's" is a really really good listen. If you are a reggae fan, pick this disc up asap! Here is a song from the cd called "King Without a Crown."

K, I have a Grey Goose calling my name....enjoy Matisyahu!

King Without A Crown
By Matisyahu

Friday Video and a Couple of Thoughts

Friday is here and I am happy! As always, a Friday video here at the beach, but first a couple of tidbits.

I wonder why they call it a TV "set" when you only get one. I never quite understood that one.

I saw my neighbors last week, they stopped over my house and were telling me all about some upcoming home renovations. They mentioned a circular driveway. Yesterday they got their circular driveway. Now, they can't get out.......

I recently got interested in astronomy. I went out and bought myself a telescope and had a skylight installed. The people upstairs are pissed......

Today's video centers around one of the greatest guitarists of all time, Stevie Ray Vaughn. Stevie died in a helicopter crash back in 1990. We lost a very talented musician that day.

I've heard debates all my life about who is/was the best guitarist of all time. Jimi Hendrix is a name that comes up often in that debate along with Eddie Van Halen. Here are some of my favorites:

Randy Rhodes, from Ozzy's band. Another young guitarist who died too soon.
Eric Clapton. Need I say more?
Stevie Ray Vaughn. A unique voice, a unique guitarist.
Steve Vai- David Lee Roth's guitarist, Whitesnake, and many other roles.
Pete Townshend- The Who
Jimmy Page- Led Zeppelin

Who is you favorite of all time??

And Now, A tune from Stevie.....enjoy it and your weekend.

Pride And Joy - Live
By Stevie Ray Vaughn

Thursday Thoughts

I wonder who's voice that is on all the office voice mail systems, cell phone voice mail systems, etc. You know the voice, that woman who says stuff like "to leave a voice mail message, press one, when finished hang up or press 3 for more options." Just like our ring tones, we should get to pick the voice that gives phone mail instruction or directions to callers. Just a thought. I kinda get tired of hearing that woman's voice on every system, they should change it up a bit. Maybe a seductive ho's voice, perhaps a deep Barry White type voice, a cartoon character's voice, etc. I'd pick the Keebler Elf dude's voice just to fuck with people. Or maybe the Pillsbury dough boy's voice.

So, the dress code at my "new" job is "casual" which really means what? I meet with suppliers, vendors, and sales reps frequently so I dress in a shirt and tie each day with dress pants. The reaction I have gotten from a few others in the office has been strange. Everything from, "we're not used to having someone all dressed up in purchasing" to "do you have an interview after work?" Weird.

Now that I am back in the technology field, I notice that more and more of the calls I make to suppliers end up in some third world country where the jobs are outsourced. Whatever, I am not going to get all political, but I wish these fuckos would learn to comprehend the ENGLISH language. I had some fucko on the phone yesterday for 30 minutes for a call that should have taken 10. I had to SPELL every fuckin word for him because he could not comprehend. I am not talking about national spelling bee words here either, I am talking words like MAIN STREET and shit like that. This guy was a fuckin' moron. I wanted to climb through the phone and kick his ass. I hope he gets his balls dragged over 5 acres of rusted tin can lids, then gets dipped in vinegar, that fuck.

On a lighter note, I keep hearing that Van Halen is reuniting. The original Van Halen with David Lee Roth. This has been a dream of mine for 20 years. I would sleep outside for days for tickets to a show. What band would you love to see reunite?

And finally to L-HA....as Michael Kay would say.......SSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YA! Rocky may have had five movies (and a sixth on the way next summer), but this drama series ends after a long trilogy that spanned two years. Part one was terrible, part two was pretty good, part three was the best of them all and was rolling along just fine until creative differences got in the way. Good luck on your next project. Perhaps your next project will allow you to have full control of the set, the storyline, and everything else......something you seem to have to have.

I hope everyone's Thursday is just dandy.......I plan on having a great one!

Spicing Up My Commute

The ride to and from work can be uneventful and quite boring. Every so often, I find myself thinking of wacky shit to do on the way home. Some of you may remember my "Ed's Home Improvement" story from last year....where I created chaos on the highway. Tuesday's ride home was just as fun.....

Last week, on the way home from the office, a station wagon cut me off and was driving in and out of traffic like an asshole. He had one of those "How's My Driving" yellow stickers on his car which was a green station wagon. Today, i saw this asshole again, up to his old tricks, so I decided to fuck with him.


Watch for the toaster!!!!!!!!!! 

I grabbed my cell, dialed *67 and dialed the 800 number on his bumper sticker. A woman answered and I told her that I saw driver 23456 doing some crazy stuff on the road and that I was still following him in my black Nissan Maxima (which i don't own, but the car behind him was a black Maxima). The woman asked what he was doing and I told her he was cutting people off and I was narrating to her what I was witnessing. Here was the conversation:

Dispatch: What is driver 23456 doing now?
C-Mac: He is weaving in and out of traffic, now he's throwing stuff out the window
Dispatch: What is he throwing out the window?
C-Mac: Slices of white bread, lots of white bread!!!!!!!!
Dispatch: Did you say white bread??????
C-Mac: Yes, white bread, tons of white bread!!!!!
Dispatch: That's very odd, what's happening now?
C-Mac: Now sticks of butter are flying out of his car!!!!!
Dispatch: This is strange, bread AND butter sticks?
C-Mac: He's reaching on his passenger's seat for something!!!!!
Dispatch: What is he reaching for????
C-Mac: Oh My God!!!!! He has a toaster!!!! He's gonna toss that toaster!!!!
Dispatch: A toaster?????!!!!!!!
C-Mac: YES!!! A FOUR Slice toaster, a biiiiiiig toaster!!!!!
Dispatch: I hope he holds on to that toaster!!!! That could be dangerous!
C-Mac: (bangs phone against dashboard) and yells I am HIT!!!!!
Dispatch: What happened??????????????? Are you ok????
C-Mac: The toaster hit my windshield!!!!
Dispatch: Oh my GOD!!!!!!! Are you hurt????
C-Mac: No!!! I am ok, but there is a toaster in my front seat!
Dispatch: Where is driver 23456?
C-Mac: Stopped at a light. I am in my Maxima behind him.
Dispatch: Please hold the line......(2 minutes pass)
Dispatch: His company is calling him now to find out what happened
(I see toaster man answer his cell phone and get deep in conversation)
CMac: This man is a maniac!!!!! help me!!!!!
Dispatch: I am working on it......stay in your car!!!!!

Toaster man is now yelling on his phone as I pull along side of him at the next traffic light. He is looking frantically in his rear view and side view mirrors. Suddenly he hops out of his car and heads to the Nissan Maxima behind him.... on foot. He is talking loudly to the man inside the car. They yell back and forth for about 15 seconds when toaster man realizes this is one big hoax.

C-Mac: (to dispatch) Tell toaster man not to be such a prick on the roads from now on or I'll hit him with a blender. (c-mac hangs up)

C-Mac laughs all the way home................

C-Mac's CD Essentials

There are certain cds that every music lover should own. Last year I did a few of these cd "reviews" and shared a few of my favorites with all of you. I heard a song off Don Henley's "End of the Innocence" cd yesterday and it made me remember what a great cd it truly is.


The End of the Innocence...... 

"End of the Innocence" was released in the early summer of 1989. It capped off the 1980's on a perfect note. With the classy sound of Bruce Hornsby's piano on the title track, the cd gets better with each song. The title track, "The End of the Innocence" features one of the best lyrics ever written on disillusionment...and hope in the face of disillusionment. Henley sounds like he was put on earth to make this majestic song come alive, singing the best he's ever sung. A song filled with longing and sadness.

"New York Minute" was written in 1989 by Henley. It is a truly great song that features Toto's Jeff Porcaro on drums and Toto's David Paich on piano. This song has a terrific haunting quality. What nobody would realize is how this song would almost become a soundtrack for the state of New York City following the World Trade Center attack. Lyrics such as "Harry got up dressed all in black....went down to the station, and he never came back" and "Lying here in darkness; I hear the sirens wail" are examples of this. This song truly tells a story and moves me each time I hear it.

"Heart of the Matter" is one of the saddest songs I have ever heard. There are some wise, mature themes and lyrics on this album and "Heart of the Matter" is one them and one of the most powerful "breakup songs" I think I've ever heard..."but I think it's about forgiveness...forgiveness...even if, even if you don't love me anymore"...

"Last Worthless Evening" is a truly amazing song as well. A great tale about learning to love again after your heart has been broken an all hope is lost. This song still gives me the chills after 16 years.

Without going off the deep end, this is truly one of the greatest albums ever...definitely one of the top albums of its decade. Henley was able to craft some great songs while lamenting the loss of innocence. He was able to powerfully compare the loss of virginity to the loss of our country's innocence. "Just lay your head back on the ground, And let your hair spill all around me, Offer up your best defense, But this is the end, This is the end of the innocence" is incredibly moving stuff.

This album belongs on every list as one of the best of the 1980s. If you don't own it, and want an amazing album to sit back and really enjoy, pick it up, you'll be glad you did.

In Other Words........

Monday morning.....and the start of another work week...for some. Some of you lucky bastards actually have today off for MLK day. Not me! Anyway.....

I usually always say exactly what I am thinking. Rarely do I "beat around the bush" when I want something or have something to say. But sometimes, one has to be tactful and come up with different ways of saying things.

In the dating world, especially when you are at the "beginning" stages of dating someone, people are usually on their best behavior. People don't want to seem too carefree about their feelings for someone, yet they don't want to come on too strong either. When it comes to sex, people drop hints, or use other phrases to hint that they want to bang....here are some of the classics:

When dropping a date off at their house, they'll ask if you want to come in for "coffee." Who drinks coffee at 3am? The only people I know who drink coffee at 3am are truckers driving cross country or people who are on guard at missle silos. Coffee, 90% of the time, really means sex.

If the other person is not a "coffee" drinker, they'll invite them in for a "drink." Like the 10 rounds at the bar weren't enough, a 4am drink is really necessary. Nine times out of ten, a drink equals a bang.

Every so often you'll be asked if you "need to use the bathroom" before driving home. This is a direct invite in, not for bathroom use, but for bedroom use. Don't you think if I needed to pee I'd ask?

After a date or two, if sex has not happened, the "let's rent a movie" discussion will come up. Now we all know that when you've been dating someone a while and have had sex numerous times, a movie really means a movie. Popcorn, soda, candy, and an entire movie usually is in the cards. Now, with someone you've never had sex with yet, that you've only dated a few times, a movie will almost always lead to either some serious fooling around or all out banging. Rarely do you make it 1/4 of the way through a "movie" without becoming very occupied on something else if you've never done it with this person before......

There is also the lure of something that you are interested in, like a collection of some sort, art, furniture, or any other item. A person you are dating will bring up something they know you are interested in, that just HAPPENS to be in their bedroom. "Oh, Charlie you like art? The Mona Lisa just happens to be hanging in my room, let me show you"........anytime you are brought into a bedroom to be shown something, like art, music, or any other item, you'll certainly almost always see a hell of a lot more than a painting.

The "I'll cook you dinner" one is always good too. It takes what, 10 minutes to eat? Then what?????? Sounds like you'll be doing a lot more eating later on.....haha

What are some of your favorites?

"The Beach" One Year Later

One year ago today, "Bored at the Beach" was born. It's almost fitting that the first anniversary of this site would fall on Friday, the 13th. On the surface, it does not even feel close to a year old. It seems like this blog was just started a few months ago. But, when I take a step back and think of all that has happened in my life since January 13th, 2005...it seems like an eternity. 590 postings and 110,000 hits later....I'm still here!

Billy Joel wrote, "Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes" and how true that is. In the course of a year many people come into our lives, while our time with others ends. In the course of a year things happen that change us, sometimes ever so slightly, but enough for us to feel or see things a bit differently. Sometimes the events of a year can change us completely. Along the way, within those 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, or 31,536,000 seconds, we laugh until it hurts and cry until we can't cry anymore. We spend time looking ahead and time reflecting on what's behind us. No matter what happens to us within a year, it's what we make of it. We can choose to be happy and optimistic or we can be sad, angry, and pessimistic. That old "cliche" just may be accurate..."Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."

A year ago, this blog was not known to anyone but a few co-workers. A year later, so many of you make your way over here each day to see what's going on in the world of C-Mac...and I am grateful. I know I haven't been on many of your blogs much the last few months due to circumstances beyond my control, and I miss reading what you all have going on in your lives. I promise I'll be back. The fact that you all still come here despite me not having a lot of time to reciprocate really is amazing. I've really learned a great deal more from this blogging than I ever thought I would.

I started "Bored at the Beach" just to post random thoughts, be a clown, get sarcastic, get sentimental at times, and just as an outlet for my daily encounters. All of your comments have really enabled me to see life and the world from so many different perspectives. Some of you speak words of wisdom, some of you crack me up, many of you share your experiences, while others are critical of me. I love it all. It's been a really fun year here. For all of this, I say "THANK YOU!!!!!"

I hope this site has given something back to all of you that come here daily. I will try to make "season 2" at The Beach a place worthwhile to visit. So to all of you, the people that I know personally that I don't see anymore, the friends that read "the beach" that I see regularly, the "blog" buddies I know in blogland only, an the people that pass through....it's been a fun year an thanks for all the good times here!

As usual, here is my Friday video. I know it's kind of a "chick" song...but the words are fitting.....and besides...most of my readers are female.....so I am sure you'll enjoy it! Have a great weekend and thanks for a great year of blogging!

Thank You
By Dido

Carpool Lane Schemes

I am sure all of us has been tempted to drive in the carpool lane when we are alone in our vehicle and traffic is standing still. The lure of the carpool lane.....


People will try anything for a quick commute.... 

There are people that will try anything to shorten their commute. For instance, the Sugar V never has to worry about the carpool lane because he has his trusty blow up doll with him at all times. He breezes down the carpool lane in the weinermobile with his "companion" Jimmy Dean, the male blow up doll. Here is a quick glimpse of Jimmy:


Sugar V's "Buddy" 

Anyway, people really have been caught with mannequins and blow up dolls in their vehicles posing as passengers so that they can drive in the carpool lane. There was even an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry david picks up a prostitute so he could cruise to Doger Stadium in the carpool laneto avoid having to sit in a traffic jam. But the story I read yesterday takes the cake. A woman in Phoenix, Arizona got caught in the carpool lane driving alone. She was given a ticket and when she appeared in court, she insisted her unborn child counts as a passenger and therefore she should not have to pay the $367 fine. The judge ruled against her, citing "common sense." I suppose if he agreed with her, all highway patrol officers would have to carry EPT disposable pregnancy tests and administer them before they write a ticket out. People are fuckin' ridiculous!!!!!!!!! It's like bitch, you got caught, just pay the fine. She must have been an ugly bitch anyway, because if she was hot, the cop wouldn't have written her the ticket in the first place.......

Have a great Thursday!!!!

Mid-Week Nonsense

Well, the week is half over.....thank goodness! Hope you all are having a smooth week so far!

Who likes dirty talk during sex? I mean, maybe not the first time or two you are with someone...but eventually dirty talk, in my opinion, should be incorporated in every sex act. There's nothing worse than sex without some dialogue. It does not necessarily have to sound like courtside during an NBA playoff game, but there should be some trash talking. As a man, you have to be careful what you say during this "dirty talk." You can say quite a bit, and a woman will go along with it and get into it, but say the wrong thing, and sex will end fast and furiously.

There are still people that claim they don't masturbate. 2006, and still a few out there that deny they take care of business. Like what is the big deal? I wonder where I'd be without masturbation...how my life may have turned out. I think about all the nights I could have ventured out to bang a girl I really wasn't interested in, but stayed home to take care of business instead. What trouble I could have gotten myself into, but thanks to the king himself, masturbation, I steered clear of potential trouble. Just think of all the fuel, wear and tear on the car, and nagging I saved myself too. Whether you are a guy or a girl, we have all weighed our options. We've all had to pick between the encounter with someone we really did not like, the phone calls that would follow, the nagging, the bullshit, or a nice session alone, no hassles, no problems.....it's a no brainer.

What do you think the average number of sexual partners is for a 30 year old guy and a 30 year old girl here in 2006? I would say 28 for a guy and 24 for a girl. Your thoughts?

One last thought......are you a road team or a home team? Do you enjoy sex at your girlfriend's/boyfriend's house or do you like the home bed advantage? I like taking my show on the road, always have. I like the feeling of someplace different, less familiar, it's more exciting. Whether it was when I lived alone, or with a roomie, sex as a "road team" was always more fun than hosting....perhaps I am crazy.....are you a road warrior or do you like things at your home base?

Have a great Wednesday!!!!!

Tuesdays Have No "Feel"

Tuesday has no feel at all. Every other day of the week has it's own feel. I suppose that's why places have "two-fer" Tuesdays....to compensate for the lack of feeling a Tuesday has. That's the only identity Tuesdays have, an extra Taco and a fast food place, and an extra "Stones" song played in a row on the radio.

So, I drive up to an ATM today, and there is braille on each button. Who the fuck is driving up to the ATM blind? Is it safe to say nobody's using that braille?

Ever go to an amusement park? Why are there HUNDREDS of handicapped spots? Have you ever seen someone get out of a wheelchair and go on "Rolling Thunder?" It's overkill.

Who really orders nachos at the movies? What heppened to the standard popcorn and coke? Have you seen what's on these movie theater menus?


One popcorn, one coke, one london broil, a corn on the cob, an some jujubees 

Burgers, hot dogs, pretzels, nachos, 10 kinds of ice cream, candy, corn dogs, you name it. What's next, London Broil? I always seem to get the fucko with the exotic food sitting next to me which stinks up the entire section.

I wonder how many people are at work right now, at the job they dreamed about doing as a kid. What would you say, 3 out of 10 are working at their dream jobs? What the heck are the rest of us doing?

I saw a news report that someone put a bomb in a Starbucks bathroom in San Francisco. What did this bomber feel he/she would accomplish by blowing up a Starbucks? Gee, now there will be only 1,257,890,198 Starbucks remaining. Someone found the bomb before it went off and the bomb squad diffused it. It's gotta suck to fail at blowing something up, killing yourself, or something of that nature.

There's nothing better than coming home from a long day at work and having a dog go crazy to see you, other than Christina Aguilera naked with Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansen in the process of stripping. Bruce went wild yesterday when I came home, jumping, kissing, and howling......he rocks.

Very random today! Have a great Tuesday. A shout out to AMES! Don't check my grammar punk!

The Night Train

People are still wishing me a Happy New Year. What is the cutoff date where Happy New Year is no longer an acceptable greeting? I say as soon as the New Years hangover is gone, the New Years greetings should cease.....anyway....happy Monday to all.

There are certain "rights of passage" that all of us experience that bridge our teenage years to our young "adult" years. For some it may be a first kiss, a first sexual encounter, a first drink, a first cigarette, or all of the above. Here on Long Island, one of the "rights of passage" is your first drunken train ride back to Long Island after partying in NYC all night. It is something all of us here in suburbia have experienced. There's definitely something interesting about a train ride from NYC to Long Island between the hours of 1am and 4am on a weekend night/morning.

I know many people who have been so drunk on the train that they have passed out and have woken up in the rail yards early on a Sunday Morning. Then there are those who get off 10 stops before their's because they are too drunk to understand the conductor's voice on the train's PA system. There are also those who lose track of time because they party too hard and miss the "last" trains to Long Island at or around 3am and have to sit it out until 6am in Penn Station with very little to do but drink some more. These are some of the things the average Long Islander has seen or encountered over the years after a Friday or Saturday Night of partying in the Big Apple.


A Long Island Railroad Train Heads to Long Island as Night Turns into Day 

One Saturday, L-Ha and I ventured into NYC for some dinner and drinks. We hopped an 8pm train from Mineola and a quick 45 minutes later, we were in the heart of the greatest city in the world. We jumped in a cab and headed to a nice restaurant/bar/lounge in Chelsea over on 10th ave and 17th street. A really cool place with some great music, food, and drink. Not to mention the good company. After quite a few hours, quite a few drinks, plenty of conversation, and a nice dinner, we decided to take the party back to Long Island and continue there. We just made it back to Penn Station to catch train that was leaving for Mineola. We found our seats and were chatting. A few minutes later, three young ladies took the seats directly in front of us. I looked over to L-Ha and said, let's see what these girls are up to tonight. So, after a few wise cracks and funny remarks we got these girls talking about what they were doing in NYC and what kind of trouble they were getting themselves into that night.

The three girls were cool, let's call them sober girl, birthday girl, and pirogie. Sober girl was the youngest and the most "innocent" of the three. Birthday girl was indeed celebrating her 20th birthday that night, and pirogie was the wild one of the three. Well, birthday girl was drinking rum that she had in a Poland Spring bottle which she poured into her Haggen-Daz ice cream shake, pirogie was trashed, and sober girl was along for the ride. L-Ha and I had a real nice buzz going from our night of drinking. I decided to start my career as a buzzed train psychic. I started by trying to guess facts about each girl's life. First the obvious, their ages, their nationalities, birthdays, jobs, and all that. It got as far as how many siblings, pets, what their father's occupations were and much much more. Well, this back and forth banter continued for the entire 45 minute train ride. We all were guessing facts about each other's lives, laughing loud, and being silly. As I looked around the train car, I could see that others were getting into the game and finding it quite funny. Over the 45 minutes we were all somewhat surprised about how much we got right about each other, but most of all how way off we were on most of what we assumed about each other. At one point, I was pegged as a 28 year old British construction worker. Quite hilarious.

I think the thing I got the most out of this silly game was how the average person makes assumptions about other people and their lives solely based on their looks. It's only when you get to chat with someone that you really get to know who they are. Some of their answers were the complete opposite of what me and L-Ha thought about them. In addition, many of the assumptions the girls made about L-Ha and I were way off. It was a fun game that passed the time and gave us all a good laugh, but in an odd way I think it taught us all something.

My parting words to the girls were, "Bored at the Beach." They were like "What????" I said google Bored at the Beach and you just may see a little story about yourselves. They giggled and wished L-Ha and I well and we got off at our stop and continued our night of fun. Not that L-Ha and I are old by any means, but we have both done the drunken city thing too many times to even count. It was fun seeing those three girls experiencing their "right of passage."

Get To Know C-Mac...Friday Questionnaire

Happy Friday to all! I will leave you with the usual Friday video after a little question and answer session. I hope all of you get to know me a bit better from this. I don't often share too many personal tidbits on here, but I thought this was cool. I saw this on The Muse's site as well as Heatherly's, two women I adore here in the blog world. So here goes.....enjoy!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you have never done before?
I ran 12 miles in one shot. My previous best was 10. AND it was on a sweltering June day around noon.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I am not one to make a resolution. If I see something that needs to be done, I make the change, no matter what time of year it is.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hu Flung Pu! Big Daddy Pu's wife had a beautiful girl in 2005.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Did not leave the good ol' USA in 2005.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
The abilty to stop being nice and tell someone to fuck off when it is warranted.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 23rd- Got Bruce, my dog!!!!
June 17th- When I revealed my identity on this blog AND the Judas Priest concert at Jones Beach. Hilda appeared.
July 8th- Mellencamp/Fogerty at Jones Beach in a monsoon.
July 9th- Cmacaplaooza 3!
July 25th- Met Cai Fai
October 6th- Found my way out of the forest
November 23rd- Got my job offer


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finding a much better job. Ridding my life of negative people.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting people into my life that didn't deserve to be in it. I also took a lot more crap from certain people than I ever should have. Lesson learned.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bruised ribs/pulled ribcage muscle September 26th. that shit hurt!!! For 6 weeks!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Bruce!!!! What a bargain!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sugar V, always a friend and trustworthy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
She knows who she is.

14. Where did most of your money go?
RENT (fuckin' Long beach!), things for the house, parties at the house, COSTCO!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting my dog Bruce, what a joy!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? MUCH happier
b) thinner or fatter? same
c) richer or poorer? Same financially, richer in knowledge.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Letting go of the past and looking ahead.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about things I could not change.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents house. Nice quiet gathering with a ton of food.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
No.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Curb Your Enthusiasm, Apprentice, Survivor, Biggest Loser, The Office

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah, I hate the same assholes.

25. What was the best book you read?
Oh Boy, "My Life" by Bill Clinton

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Young Jeezy, Anon, Chris Brown, a new appreciation for Dave Matthews

27. What did you want and get?
Freedom. Freedom from a job that held me down, freedom from a girl that brought out the worst in me at the beginning of 2005.

28. What did you want and not get?
A long vacation, far away from NY. A chance to meet Hilda.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Million Dollar Baby, Cinderlla Man, 40 year Old Virgin

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday, I worked because it fell on a Tuesday, but I had a great party the Saturday before, CMACAPALOOZA III! I was 33.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Running the Long Island half marathon, meeting an amazing woman (that lives close, haha), and leaving my "old" job sooner in the year.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Running shorts, a t-shirt, New Balance sneakers, and my trusty baseball cap. (running attire)

33. What kept you sane?
My dog Bruce, The Sugar V, music, laughing, blogging, and chats with Hilda

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Scarlett Johansen, she is hot. I admired Jamie Foxx this year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Hurricane Katrina response. It was an absolute disgrace.

36. Who did you miss?
I missed Linda when we lost touch, Randa, Jen L, and my friends in the Forest when I left.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Hilda! Love her to death. Cia Fai, very interesting girl. Jen L, good person.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
So many, but the biggest one was never to be someone's consolation prize when I can be someone else's grand prize.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I am gonna quote two:

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down"

"Well, I heard some people talkin’ just the other day
And they said you were gonna put me on a shelf
But let me tell you I got some news for you
And you’ll soon find out it’s true
And then you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself
’cause I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song"

I was going to leave you with "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" since I said it was the song that reminded me most of 2005.....but I am going to leave you with something else. It's a throwback from Lenny Kravitz, this song kicks serious ass and I've loved it since the day I first heard it. I have a radio in my bathroom (as well as every other room in the house) and I heard this today while I was in the shower. I haven't stopped singing it since. Enjoy it, and the weekend!

It Ain't Over Till Its Over
By Lenny Kravitz
CodesAndLyrics.com

"The Closer"......and I ain't Talkin' Baseball

For those of you who follow baseball, you know that "the closer" is the relief pitcher that comes in to get the final outs of the game which in turn, clears the field and sends everyone home. Right here in NY we have the best "closer" in baseball history, Mariano Rivera:


Not the only "closer" in town 

This post isn't about baseball, it's about another "closer" here in NY that is the master of his craft. That closer is the Sugar V. We all know and love the Sugar V here in the blog world, but most of you don't know that he is blessed with a talent, a talent for being a "closer" with his severe and very smelly gas. This is not a lie. His gas is as big a legend as Paul Bunyan or Babe Ruth's called shot. Let me elaborate.

When I worked with the Sugar V, he would casually come into my office and chat about a variety of topics including his sausage addiction. He would then pass a silent, but very very toxic gas and leave. Within minutes the gas would infiltrate my entire office. No Glade Plug in or fan could take on this beast. This gas had a life of its own and sent me running from the room on many occasions. But recently, there was a much bigger incident.

Recently, I hosted a party at my home. Sugar V and his wife, my neighbors, and some others were cordially invited over for a night of drinking, eating, music, and other shenanigans. Everyone arrived around 9pm and started drinking and socializing. As always, the tables were full of food, and hot foods kept coming out all night. As the night wore on the music got louder and so did the laughs. We were all having a great time and all was well in Long Beach.

About 1:30am, we were all singing and dancing around to some music, when my cell phone started vibrating. I went out in the cold, on my deck to take the call because the music inside was so loud. I spoke for about 4 minutes and came back inside. When I got back into the house all my guests except Sugar V and his wife had their coats on and said "thank you, we are going to go now." One of my neighbors was already gone, he had bolted while I was on the deck. I thought this was strange how one minute a fun party was going on, the next minute, everyone was leaving. I sat with Sugar V and his wife and talked. I found out that one of the guests "got sick" from "drinking" and threw up in my kitchen sink. Not a good sight, but no biggie, water and cleanser washed that away. I was perplexed by the sudden turn of events.

A day or two later, Sugar V and I were chatting on the phone and things started to make a bit more sense. See, while I was on the deck, Sugar V went into my living room where the stereo is and my CD collection. While in a baseball catcher's position perusing my CD catalogs, Sugar V decided to pass some gas, a large cloud of gas. It just so happened the neighbor "who bolted" while I was outside, was right behind Sugar V and got a face full of his wicked fumes. He immediately went home after the gas attack without saying goodbye to anyone. Seconds later another guest took in some of this gas....turns out this was the guest who immediately made a bee line to the kitchen sink and threw up. Coincidence? I think not!!!! Sugar V was the closer that night, in record style. I finally realized what happened to this fun filled party that suddenly shut down like an illegal massage parlor.

With this knowledge of the Sugar V's powers, I have a list of jobs Sugar V could do on the side to rake in some big cash:

Here in NY bars have "last call" right before 4am....being a former bartender, there are always a few people that don't want to leave. Sugar could swing through and gas them out.

Who needs to call an exterminator for that pest problem? A minute with the Sugar V, those pests will leave and never return.

Need the insurgents out of Baghdad? Suit the Sugar V up and send him.

Need wallpaper removed? Why struggle with steams, scrapers, and other devices, gas it off the wall, call 1-800-Sugar Gas, and leave off the last S for stench.

Unfortunately, the party story is 100% accurate....no joke!

C-Mac's 2006 Predictions

No New Year is complete without some bold predictions. 2006 is no exception, so I thought I would dedicate today's post to my 2006 predictions. It will be fun to look back at the end of the year and see how I did. Hell, if Sylvia Browne the "psychic" can make millions being 25% correct on her predictions, why can't C-Mac take a crack at it????? So without further hype, here are my 2006 predictions from the Swami himself, C-Mac.

Superbowl Winner:


The Swami Says...............The Seattle Seahawks 

World Series Winner:


The Swami Says...............NY Yankees 

NHL Stanley Cup Winner:


The Swami Says...............Ottawa Senators 

NBA Champions:


The Swami Says...............Dallas Mavericks 

In U.S. Politics:


The Swami Says...............Democrats Take Control of the US Senate 

Famous people who will die:


The Swami Says...............Gerald Ford, Liz Taylor, Ed McMahon, and Big Bird (Asian Bird Flu Victim) 

Celebrity Breakups:


The Swami Says...............Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore  

Natural Disasters:


The Swami Says...............7.0+ Earthquake in Mexico before March, Category 4 Hurricane hits Savannah, GA early August, Category 2 Hurricane hits Long Island, NY in September (uh oh!!!) 

The Economy:


The Swami Says...............Dow will end year at 11,300..Nasdaq at 2500. 

I was going to make some personal predictions, but I'll hold off. Ok, your turn to make a 2006 prediction!

Phrases That Annoy Me

Welcome to a New Year here at the beach. The holidays are over, finally, so it's back to business! With 2006 upon us, I thought I would list some "sayings" or "phrases" that annoy the shit out of me that I hopefully won't hear again this year:

1) "Everything happens for a reason." No it doesn't asshole. Sometimes things just happen for no reason so don't analyze everything.

2) "Think outside the box." This "saying" is as stupid as the fuckos who say it. I'll lock the next asshole who says it in a box.

3) "At the end of the day." People use this waaaaay too much. They say shit like, "Well, at the end of the day, love is all that matters." The end of the day my ass....why not just say "In the end" or something less moronic.

4) "There's no "I" in team." Right, but there is an I in dIckhead.

5) "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Bullshit. It wears you down and kills you slowly rather than quick and painlessly.

6) "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." Nonsense, if you love someone and set them free, they go bang someone else.

7) "When one door closes, another one opens." Tell that to the douche nozzle locked out of his car.

8)"I am better off alone." Women are famous for this one, yet bitch about being single within 5 minutes of saying it.

9) "That's why you make the big bucks." Fuck off. That saying is from the fuckin 60's asswipe. You always have an asshole at work that goes around saying that.

10) "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Really makes you feel better after catching your wife banging another dude, your dog getting hit by a car, losing your job, cutting off your finger with a hedge trimmer, and finding out your dad is gay all in the same week. I am sure that would be sound advice.

11) "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I guess when the Yankees make bitches out of the Mets again this year, all the Mets players should cross the field and join 'em.

12) "Bring to the table." People will ask in job interviews "What can you bring to the table?" Bring to the table, stupid shit. Anyone who says that should be a fuckin' waiter or waitress bringing our food to the table.

What sayings annoy you?

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a fun night! I feel like a truck hit me from all the drinking....but that's a tale for another day. I hope you all had fun last night and that a great year is ahead for all of us!