Public Restroom Scenarios

It's been well documented here at "The Beach" that I have a strong dislike, perhaps even a phobia of public restrooms. I just think the whole bathroom experience is a private one, not to be shared with random strangers.

So I was at the hospital all day on Tuesday waiting while my mom had her surgery. Thanks, by the way, for all those who called, emailed, and commented, she is doing well. Anyway, about 1PM, I had to use a public restroom since I was going to be there all day. I finally tracked down a single occupancy, co-ed restroom. The only problem, no lock on the fuckin' door. Quite a dilemma. The toilet about 6 feet from the door...... So there I was, like a first baseman, right foot wedged against the door, left foot about 3 feet in front of my body, knees bent, peeing, hoping nobody would push hard on that door and knock me over while I was going. Don Mattingly and many other first baseman would have given me props for that show of talent.


CMac's Phobia..... 

From the traumatic handblower story, to many urinal tales, this is just one folly in a long line of public restroom follies.

Who invented the urinal? I always wondered about that. When did society decree it was acceptable for men to line up and urinate out in the open? The Sugar V loves urinals. It's an awkward situation to be standing there urinating with someone so close to you that you are almost shoulder to shoulder. You stare straight ahead with nothing you can really say. You can't hum or sing because everyone else will think you are insane. I don't want anyone checking out the goods, getting jealous and shit.

Then there's the pressure of actually peeing while you know others are standing behind you waiting for the urinal. This is common at baseball games, concerts, and bars. You feel like you are on a timer. It's like the final Jeopardy! answer and the song is almost done. That's why I am a stall man, always have been, always will be. I like the luxury and the comfort of a stall. Even if someone is waiting outside the stall, the pressure isn't as great to hurry and get out because that door suddenly looms as large as the once mighty Berlin Wall.

I think work bathrooms are the worst because these are people you have to see daily. There is nothing worse than going into a work bathroom where there is nobody in there but it stinks from the last person. As you pee and wash up and leave, somebody you work with comes in and thinks you created the stench....it's an awkward feeling. Seriously though, some of the odors in the work bathrooms are horrible. If my crap smelled like that bathroom after some of these people go, I'd seek immediate medical attention. What the hell are they eating????? And it never hurts to flush after you go...isn't that why we have indoor plumbing???? Some of these people refuse to flush! Is it a religious thing? FUCKERS! FLUSH!!!!!

I think I may have a phobia of public restrooms. What is that phobia called? Urinalphobia? Stenchaphobia? I don't know. The only time I go at a urinal is when I am totally drunk, then I'll pee anywhere. I say stalls across the board for men and women with doors that go all the way to the ground. There should be a red or green occupied thingy on the door to determine if someone's in there or not...not this looking for feet nonsense. Take it from me, that does not always work. I walked in on somebody at work sitting on the bowl one day because he didn't lock his stall and I didn't see his feet. Not the most comfortable situation. That image is still cemented on my brain!

Once, I was barely in the stall to pee for 5 seconds when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, Not too much!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Any public bathroom horror stories you have experienced?