The Blue-Light Zone

With the holiday shopping season in full effect, I thought I'd re-post a Wal-Mart blog I wrote back in May....enjoy your Monday!!!!


Enter At Your Own Risk...... 

Everybody has someone they dont want to run into. (I have at least 5, but who's counting). Maybe an ex-girlfriend, a friend you wronged, or maybe some girl you didn’t call back after banging her in the backseat of her daddy's Lexus in 1998...we all have someone we could go forever without seeing again. So what is the easiest way to avoid running into this person?

Don't go to Wal-Mart.

It's as simple as that. Oh, the odds are against you if you hope to NEVER see them again...but by going to Wal-Mart your chances of running into this person greatly increase. You see, Wal-Mart is a pardox in the avoid-like-the-plague equation. People hardly ever take it into consideration when they suddenly realize they are running low on kitty litter, toiletries, paper towels, or Poland Spring. See, when we need these types of things we just hop in the car and drive over to our nearest All-In-One (Wal-Mart) without a thought of the potential risks involved.

And then you see him/her. In an aisle with toothpaste and feminine hygiene products. Pushing their cart across your path as you come out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your heel. Or in that clusterfuck near the electronics section, where they dont clear the lanes of DVD displays for easier cart and pedestrian travel. You hesitate for a moment, contemplate diving head-first into the next aisle in the hopes they didnt see you...but then you are too late. They spot you, smile and acknowledge you. Shit.

And that's a GOOD scenario. What if you see a lover you just broke up with hanging off a new guy/girl, laughing and giggling. You are there to fill your supply of Prozac or Zoloft at the pharmacy because that bitch ripped your heart out. Or what about running into someone YOU never called back? Quite awkward.

ANYWAY, the bottom line is that Wal-Mart is a place everyone goes to at one time or another. It's unavoidable. And you WILL run into someone you know. Maybe it wont be an enemy or someone on your bad list, but you WILL see someone. You can't hide. And it doesn't just include Wal-Marts you reside around. Travel all the way to Florida, duck into a Wal-Mart for a jug of kool-aid or maybe some suntan lotion, and you'll see Billy, that cocksucking punk from high school math who sold your buddy John oregano instead of weed, or Susie, the whore who gave your best friend an STD. Wal-Marts are breeding grounds for chaos....they KNOW when you are coming and they almost magically conjure up someone from your past just to ruin your day.

So, the next time you are in the car with a friend and he takes that turn off the main drag and you ask, "Hey, where we going now?" and he says, "Oh C-Mac, I just gotta stop by Wal-Mart for something real quick." "Fuck! I dont want to go to Wal-Mart," you say. "I hate that place." He then soothingly, convincingly says, "Oh it's just for a minute...we'll run in and run right back out."

Don't believe him. If you have to, stay in the car and hide under a blanket. Or bail out of the vehicle while it’s moving, right then and there. Make sure you tuck your arms in so that your shoulders take the brunt of the asphalt.

You are not safe. There is really nothing you can do, except pray. Or maybe shop at Target or Sears.

But in the end, Wal-Mart will win. It always does…….when you enter......... “The Blue-Light Zone.”