The Great Compromise

  

"Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer." How true is that? On a daily or weekly basis we make a bunch of compromises that we may not even realize. You and your significant other may want different things for dinner, but you come to an agreement and eat something that you both perhaps didn't REALLY want, so that both parties are somewhat satisfied.

The sign of a really good compromise is when both parties feel just a bit dissatisfied, but still come to a mutual and amicable agreement. The little things in life are easy to compromise. Things like what should we eat, what movie should we see, where should we go on vacation, and those types of things are easy to compromise. But there are things in life that are non-negotiable. We all have them.

For me, there are just a few things I will never negotiate or compromise for anyone or anything. They are things I hold dear to my heart and things that I feel very strongly about. Here are a few:

* I will never date or marry someone that does any kind of illegal drug. I just don't believe in it. If you tried in back in college or whatever, no biggie, but I am talking about grown people that still make it part of their lifestyle.

* I will never again be someone's "consolation prize." I will only date or be with someone who GENUINELY wants to be with me. I won't settle for any less.

* I will never compromise and be with someone for anything other than love. I would never stay with someone for convenience, money, for the "sake of the children", or anything in between. Perhaps I am naive, but I still believe that love, in it's true form will always find a way.

* I will never compromise my political views. I am very passionate about my views. While I am very open and always listen to other people's viewpoints, I have been around long enough to see what works and what does not. I could never ever ever think "conservatively."

* I will always give my best to a job, a team, or anything I am involved with even if the environment or situation isn't the most ideal. I was taught an excellent work ethic as a child and it has stayed with me as an adult and it is something I am passionate about.

* I will never compromise my passion for my sports teams! I will support The NY Yankees and The NY Islanders whether they are champions or chumps!

* I will always speak my mind, good or bad. You will always know where you stand with me. Sure, you need to say things with tact, but I will always say how I feel.

* I will not celebrate bullshit holidays like Valentine's Day no matter what anyone says!!!! :)

What are some things you will never compromise?

The Original "Jackass"

  

Long before the "Jerky Boys" became famous, I was recording crank calls with a homemade device and making people laugh until they cried. I never thought of selling those calls or marketing them in any way. I should have, I'd probably be rich and retired on a beach in the tropics right now. The same holds true for "Jackass" type stunts.

Back in the late 80's and early 90's my friends and I would think of wacky stunts and dares to perform. Most of the time, I was nominated to perform these wacky stunts. Here are some of the crazy things we did, or should I say, the things they made ME do:

Car Rodeos- We would meet up in a supermarket parking lot about 10 or 11pm. There would be about 20 of us with cars. Two cars would pull into the center of the lot and a person would sit on the roof of each car. The drivers would then do donuts and crazy moves trying to knock the person on the roof off the vehicle. The person who stayed on the longest won and moved on to the next round. This car rodeo would go on for hours. There were many trips to the ER back in those days.

Public Annoyances- I was on line at Six Flags and there was this big steroid dude eating a lemon ice. My friends dared me to go up to this guy and lick his lemon ice and walk away. Well, I went up to him, licked his ice, and ran like hell. This dude went fuckin' crazy and had to be held back by like 5 guys. We laughed and bought him a new ice to calm him down.

Frozen Swim- We were out to dinner about 10 years ago with 5 couples at a nice restaurant on the water. It was January and about 30 degrees outside. As we ordered dessert, a friend of mine dare dme to go to the side of the restaurant, strip down to my underwear and run into the water for a quick swim. If I did it, $50.00 was mine. I thought it over for about 5 minutes and asked my girlfriend at the time if she had a blanket or towels in the car to dry myself off with if I did it. She said yes. Minutes later, to the surprise of the entire restaurant glued against the window, I ran into the Long Island sound head first for a January swim. Afterwards, Ii dried off, got dressed, and enjoyed my dessert to an ovation by the entire restaurant.

hatchet man- One July night my friends and I were bored. We came across old Halloween costumes in my garage and they dared me to dress up in a wacky costume, complete with a fake hatchet and scare people. So, I had my friends pull up at diners and restaurants. I would hide in the bushes right next to the diner windows where people were seated and eating. As they enjoyed their meals, I would hop out of the hedges wielding that hatchet. People would scream and run out of their seats away from the windows. By the time they realized what was going on, I was in the car and we were driving away.

Santa in July- Another dare, dress up as Santa on a hot and humid night and stand up in my friend's convertible while blasting Chipmunks Christmas music and wave to people. I did it and got a good reaction from most. My friends then told me to get out of the car and wave, so I did, they took off and left me on the side of the road for about 30 minutes dressed as Santa. I got stuff thrown at me from cars, cursed at, it was quite an experience.

The lawnmower- I called my neighbor across the street and told him I was from Sears and that he won a free Craftsman lawnmower. I told him we ran a raffle of all our Sears charge customers. He laughed and asked "what the catch was." I told him he had to trade in his old lawnmower and bring 2 forms of ID to the local Sears within 2 hours to claim his prize. About 20 minutes later the neighbor and his son were tying their lawnmower to the top of their car. They drove away in a hurry to Sears. About an hour later they were back, VERY angry, with.....the SAME mower.

That's just a sample of what a "jackass" I really was. Ok, I know you all have crazy stories.......

My Hat Is In The Ring

  

The 2008 Presidential Election is fast approaching. I am not enthusiastic about any candidate that is on the horizon for either party. Honestly, it is going to be more of the same shit from both parties. By November of 2008, I will be 35 and eligible to run for President. I am declaring today that I, C-Mac, am a candidate in 2008. Here are some of the things I will do if elected:

* Shorten the work week from Monday-Friday to Monday-Thursday for all.
* Remove all handblowers from public restrooms.
* Gay marriage will be legal for all HOT lesbian couples between the ages of 18-30.
* "Born To Run" will replace "The Star Spangled Banner" as our National Anthem.
* Opening day of Major League Baseball will be a Federal holiday.
* Don Mattingly will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.
* Bruce Springsteen will replace Grant on the $50 bill.
* Cmacapalooza will be held yearly on the White House lawn.
* A life in prison sentence will be issued to anyone caught watching "Dancing With the Stars."
* A "Best Porn" category will be added to the Academy Awards.
* Men in speedos will be banned from all beaches in the U.S. both public and private.
* A Presidential pardon will be granted for anyone serving time in prison for ripping the tag off their mattress.
* National Masturbation Day will be celebrated and honored each year across America.
* Unlock the vault where the cure for cancer papers, the JFK assassination truth documents, the engine that runs on water rather than oil blueprints, and the ballots from the 2000 election are.
* Stop wasting money on NASA and space exploration. We've seen too many $100 billion robotic Mars landers crash and burn, too many Space Shuttles explode, etc. Let's use the money to fix the shitty infrastructure we have here on earth first. Let's master traveling around here first!

Those are just a few things I will do. I don't have my cabinet or my running mate picked out yet. I do know that Sugar V will be my White House Press Secretary though. He has an answer for everything!

Have a great start to the week everyone!

Irish Friday

  

Top O'the Mornin' to ya! Friday and St. Patrick's Day, does it get any better? Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my Irish friends and readers! But, then again, we are all Irish on this day anyway! Kick back, grab a Guinness and enjoy the day!

Video Friday as usual! There have been many great irish rock bands, I will leave you with one of the best, U2.

On Sunday January 30, 1972, in an incident since known as Bloody Sunday, twenty-seven people were shot by British soldiers after a civil rights march in the Bogside area of the city of Derry, Northern Ireland. The march was organized by Derry MP Ivan Cooper to protest the internment of Irishmen in Northern Ireland.

Thirteen people were shot dead, with another man later dying of his wounds. The official army position was that the Paratroopers had reacted to the threat of gunmen and nail-bombs from suspected IRA members. However, many witnesses (including marchers, local residents, and British and Irish journalists) challenge the army's account - their claims include that soldiers fired indiscriminately into the crowd, or were aiming at fleeing people and those tending the wounded. Some also claim that the soldiers were not fired upon. No British soldier was hit by any bullet, nor were any bullets recovered after the fact. In the rage that followed, the British embassy in Merrion Square in Dublin was burned by an irate crowd. Anglo-Irish relations hit one of their lowest ebbs, with the Irish Minister of Foreign Affairs, going specially to the United Nations in New York to demand UN involvement in the Northern Ireland troubles.

This incident was featured in U2's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday."

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY (U2)

CHEERS!

Dude, Where's My..................Change!

 

Those of you who know me well know that I am quite generous. People can call me a lot of things, but cheap isn't one of them. I spend way above my means and I am always throwing money around like I have lots of it...which of course I do not. There is one "pet peeve" that I have and that is when you give someone money for something and you don't get change back. It is annoying.

You would think it would be simple math, like the illustration shown. If something costs $3.75 and you give someone a $5 bill, you should get $1.25 back, simple. Yet, there are so many people that don't believe in giving you change back.

This happens most frequently when a bunch of people order lunch at the office and you clearly see your meal is about $8 and you only have a $20. You hand in your $20...and you never see change. What the F? It happens to me at home too. Tatiana and I will order Chinese food. I will put $30 on the table and she will go down to pay the guy when he comes. I will either see NO change or a buck will be sitting on the table. Once again, what the F? I will ask her, where's the change?....and I'll always get the same answer, well, you know the tip and all.....the tip? What the fuck, is this guy pulling a rickshaw or bringing the food FROM the Orient that he needs a $5 to come up the block? Big spender with my money...SUDDENLY she is a high roller, like a tycoon tipping people at the Plaza Hotel with my cash......

Going out to dinner with other couples can be a whole lot of fun. I am a believer in just dividing the bill evenly per couple when the check arrives. But how many times do people take advantage of this? Some keep round after round of top shelf drinks coming and go insane on other shit, while the other couples eat and drink normally then have to foot the big bill. I hate that shit. If I went overboard on something, I would definitely offer to pay more. Or when you go out with a group and some people "can't stay for dessert." They run up $50 each of booze and food, and leave you with a $20 and bolt before the check comes. Fuckos.

I lived with a roommate years ago that would spend $1500 a night in a strip club without batting an eye, but when it came to getting half the grocery money from him, you'd have to call Paulie from Goodfellas to come beat it out of him. Of course he ATE more than half of the food with no problem though! That shit bothers me too.

I had this friend I went to high school with and we were close for years, but he was a cheap fuck. I got him a job where I worked and each morning when we got to work, I would buy him breakfast. I never asked for the money and he never offered. One day, I forgot my money at home and I asked him for $3 to get something out of the vending machine. He gave it to me. The NEXT day, he ASKED for his $3 back!!!!!!! What the fuck?

Let's hear your cheap fucko stories!!!!!!! Have a great Thursday! 

Maximum Strength and Sickness

 

I had a bit of a "sore" throat over the weekend and through Monday. Sore meaning a bit scratchy, but not really painful. So I went to the local CVS drug store to buy some lozenges to soothe my throat. I noticed that the entire cough/cold and medicine aisle has nothing but "Maximum" strength medications now. You can't get "strength" or "medium strength" everyone makes and wants the MAXIMUM dosage for some reason. It's like the drug companies figure out what dosage will kill you and subtract a little. Why are people so obsessed with maximum dosages? People want the maximum dosage allowed by law. I think our society has turned into a bunch of fuckin' cry babies.

The whole pharmaceutical industry is a joke in general. I mean with all the money donated to cancer research we still have NO cure? All the AIDS money and research, NO cure? But, we have a few different kinds of "boner" pills and pills to grow hair. I see where our society's priorities are. Getting hard at 85 is more important than someone dying young of cancer. Old women must really hate Viagra and all those hard-on pills....don't you think?

I saw a report that Mad Cow disease was discovered here in the U.S. the other day. A day later Tiny A invites me out for steak! Tiny A wants me whacked and what better way to kill me than feeding me a mad cow steak???? :) I suppose it less messy than a fatal gun shot wound or a stabbing.......and I thought I was liked by Tiny A. ;)

The Asian bird flu everyone seems to be something everyone is also worrying about. I am more worried about some douche nozzle at work coming in with the regular flu or virus and passing it around. If I were a sparrow living in Thailand, perhaps I'd be a bit more worried about Asian bird flu. The assholes that come in coughing and sneezing in the small confined work area concern me more than some diseased bird. I'll take my chances with the fowl. Besides, there is not enough vaccine for this bird flu anyway, so even if it spreads we are fucked. We'll all be clucking like chickens in a few months anyway. If you think the supermarket is insane right before a snow storm, imagine the vaccine center when bird flu hits? Bring your gun.

On that note, I just got the craving for some chicken salad. Have a great day! 

The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack To "C-Mac's Life"

 

Every great motion picture has a great story to tell. But, a great movie isn't complete without an amazing soundtrack. You need songs that fit the moods, the characters, their highs and their lows, their successes and their failures, and everything else in between.

We all have our own story to tell. Perhaps that's why we blog. We blog to share experiences and stories from the present and some from the past while we look ahead and wonder what awaits us around the bend.

As I drove to work this morning blasting the "Boston" album from my childhood, I asked myself what my soundtrack would be. If they were to make a movie about my life, what songs would have to be included to get it right and make my story complete and clear? I gave it quite a bit of thought today and I came up with a fitting list.

"More Than a Feeling" by Boston
"Scenes From An Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel
"New Kid In Town" by The Eagles
"Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison
"Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon
"Lonesome Day" by Bruce Springsteen
"Ignition/Remix" by R. Kelly
"Every Rose Has It's Thorn" by Poison
"Winds of Change" by The Scorpions
"All Those Years Ago" by George Harrison
"New York Minute" by Don Henley
"Bobby Jean" by Bruce Springsteen
"Tiny Dancer" by Elton John
"Doctor My Eyes" by Jackson Browne
"Reelin' In The Years" by Steely Dan
"Shake You Down" by Gregory Abbott
"Against The Wind" by Bob Seger
"I Need A Lover That Won't Drive Me Crazy" by John Mellencamp
"Runnin' Down A Dream" by Tom Petty

That would be my soundtrack. A double CD for sure! Hopefully, I'll look back on this list in a few years and have lots more to add. What songs would HAVE to be on "The Soundtrack To YOUR Life?

Better yet, what actor would play me in my movie? I'd pick Edward Norton...talented actor, he would play me well.....who'd play you in your movie?

Every Rose Has It's Thorn
By Poison

 

Monday...Already?

 

Well, I did not go as far as to wear 'Sopranos' underwear, but I sure was glad to see them back after a two year hiatus. I've been waiting for this day since early 2004. Rather than head out to my parent's house today, I stayed home, slept a lot, made eggplant Parmesan (which came out great, I may add.), did some household chores, and waited for the 'Sopranos' to come on. It was another great weekend. I did not leave Long Beach at all, and loved every minute of it. It was so warm on Saturday that I was inspired to take down my Christmas tree and the lawn full of Santas and reindeer. (hahaha, fooled ya!) Truthfully though, there are people who leave their Christmas lights up all year. How fuckin' lazy can you be?

What's the deal with bananas? I buy them every week and I try to eat one each morning for breakfast but it seems like you have a 12 hour window to eat the fuckers. When I buy them they are way too green to eat, so I wait the two days for when they are just right. I bring one to work on Tuesday and enjoy it, but by the time I wake up on Wednesday to bring another to work, the fuckers are way too ripe. I feel as though I should scarf down like 5 every Tuesday just to avoid throwing them away. I already feel like a caged animal at work, why not act like one by eating a bunch of ripe bananas every Tuesday? Quite fitting I suppose.

Speaking of ripeness, or freshness, I was in the bakery the other day and a customer actually asked the lady behind the counter if something was "fresh." Like even if it wasn't fresh, like the bakery lady was going to admit it. I can see it now:

Customer- "Are those cannolis fresh?"
Bakery Lady- "Nope, they have been here for about 3 weeks."
Customer- "Oh, only three weeks?"
Bakery Lady- "Yes, sorry. They haven't aged to perfection yet."
Customer- "Ok, I'll take a layer cake instead."

People are just dumb. The same people ask waiters and waitresses if things on the menu are "good" or not. Like what the fuck is the server going to say? "Nope, it tastes like dirty ass."

Friday is St. Patrick's Day. Like we Irish folk need a reason to drink and get rowdy. It is something to look forward to regardless, especially since it falls on a Friday this year. No green beer or green bagels for me, just a night to celebrate the drunken side of the family with some Guinness and a night out and about. It seems like the Italian side of me is celebrated a whole lot more, so I have to give it an extra effort come Friday.

Sunday Nights are important for a very big reason. Each Sunday night, I peruse my 1400+ cd collection and choose 20 or to put in the car for the upcoming week. What I choose kind of sets the mood for the week. This week, I made sure to include the Irish favorites like Van Morrison, U2, and The Cranberries.

Have a wonderful start to the week everyone! 

The 'City By the Sea" Comes To Life

 

I am not naive enough to believe that winter is over here in NY. I've seen it snow in April, on opening day at Yankee Stadium and I've witnessed a snowy Easter or two. But, today was a special treat for us. It was a day close to 70 degrees, a day my town, one that I adore so very much, came back to life.

Long Beach, NY, a town known for it's boardwalk, it's summer nightlife, it's recreation, it's beaches, it's restaurants, and it's summer feel had a burst of life today. You see, come October, this town "dies" in a way. Only us locals stick it out and deal with the long, cold winters in this beautiful seaside town. From October-April we can get a table in our restaurants without a wait, drive across town in a few minutes, have the boardwalk and beaches to ourselves, and the peace and tranquility of the ocean waves. But come May-September, it all changes. We share our beautiful town with the rest of the 'world.'

Today, I got a feel for how things will be here once again in just two short months. About 11am, I went down to the garage and dusted off my bike. The poor thing has been sitting since mid-October. I filled the tires with air, dusted it, oiled the chain and hopped on in my "running gear" complete with my radio/headphones. I rode the few short blocks to the boardwalk and saw that everyone both local and out of town had the same idea. The town was brimming with joggers, bikers, walkers, strollers, kids laughing on the seaside playground, and dogs galore. I rode that 4.4 stretch three times and just took in all the sights. Girls in tank tops and shorts, people laughing, joggers trying to shed that winter 'insulation', kids playing, older couples holding hands, etc. It all reminded me once again as to why I live here.

After my 13.2 mile trek, I hopped in the jeep with Brucie and headed down to another beach in Lido where there is a dog park. A park Brucie knows well. He knew we were going there and started howling as we got a half mile from there or so. He was reunited with some of his doggie pals from last summer and introduced to some new pals. He frolicked and played for an hour or so while I chatted with the other dog owners. Then we headed home. Today was a perfect sampler of what's to come in the next 6-8 weeks.

Tonight, I will take in more of my town. Dinner and then a night out in the town I call home, the City By the Sea....Long Beach, NY. 

Tick Tock It Don't Stop......

Friday indeed. We saw this video on VH1 Classic last night and thought it would be a good theme for the weekend. For sure, these guys were flaming, but the song was catchy! Hope you all get "some" this weekend! :) Here's to pipe laying!!!

I Wanna Sex You Up
By Color Me Badd

Cheating

 

No, not that kind of cheating! I am not talking about banging the plumber while hubby is at work or mounting the secretary at the front desk after hours, I am talking about cheating at stupid shit like games.

I actually knew people who would peel the stickers off the Rubix Cube and place them back on in the right order so they could brag about solving the "puzzle." That's just fuckin' funny to me! Like solving the Rubix Cube was going to get you laid or rich, who gave a shit?

I also knew people who would "accidentally" unplug the video game system when the ATARI computer was kicking their ass at pong or some other bullshit game. Cheating yourself is just a riot. My friend Anthony in Jr. High and High School would play an entire NFL season on Sega and get to the playoffs.If he was losing late in the game of a playoff game he would "accidentally" lean on the power button, kick the AC adapter out of the wall, or something like that.

I've seen people cheat at CROSSWORD puzzles and word searches by looking at the answer key. What's the point?

When we would play kickball or baseball in the streets as kids, when the other team came up to "bat" we would always push the bases back a foot or two. Many times this was the difference between someone being "safe" or "out." On our way up to bat, we would casually push the bases back in.

I must admit, I cheated and stole more money while playing Monopoly than the CEOs of Enron and Tyco combined. I would always "volunteer" to be the banker and I would stash a stack of $500 bills under the board on my side for later use. I would also steal more property than the English settlers did from the Native Americans. Only difference was, I didn't get to bang Pocahontas. I must say, I did this not so much for bragging rights, but to shorten an already long ass game. With my theft, came the ability to bankrupt the "honest" players. This would cut a 6 hour game down to 2 hours.

Other than Monopoly, I would say the only other thing I ever cheated at was golf when I first started playing back in like 1995. I was so bad that I had no other choice but to cheat. I would hit my ball into the woods but it would "miraculously" end up a foot outside the woods because it "hit a tree" and bounced back onto the fairway. I would also throw my ball from a difficult spot when nobody was looking which always made for a great shot. Once I got better, I gave up cheating at golf.

Ok, what childhood sport, game, or activity did you cheat at? Is there anything you STILL cheat at???? 

Toilet Tales

  

I have never been able to understand the people that enjoy reading on the toilet. It is something that has baffled me for years. Why would anyone want to spend any extra time in the bathroom? I've been to homes where I have seen magazine racks filled with newspapers, magazines, and books in the bathroom. Are these people insane? I don't know about you, but I do what I have to do then get the hell out of the bathroom. The less time in there the better. I'd rather read in the sanitary environment of my living room than right next to urine and feces, but, that's just me. Once a book or magazine hits that bathroom, it pretty much can't be brought anywhere else. If you don't finish the book in the toilet, you certainly can't bring that thing to the breakfast table!

I know I've spoken about bathrooms a million times on this blog, but bathrooms are very important. As you all know, I hate public restrooms, I kind of have a public bathroom phobia. But going into a "strange" bathroom at someone else's house can be just as bad. Have you ever gone to the bathroom at someone's house only to realize there was no toilet paper? What the hell do you do?

I have a really funny bathroom story from when I was about 16. My grandmother was ill and came to live with us. My parents gave her my room and I had to move downstairs where there were 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. My sister had one room and I had the other and we shared the bathroom. After 10pm, my mom asked that I not come upstairs for anything because once my grandmother woke up, she would not fall back to sleep so my mom did not want any noise or anything upstairs. So, one night, my sister was out and I was watching TV in my room and I felt the urge to go to the bathroom....#2 in case you are wondering. I did my business and went to grab some toilet paper, only to see an empty spool. Damn my sister! Anyway, with my pants around my ankles, I looked under the sink and in the vanity, NO toilet paper. I was desperate now, what the hell was I going to do? I couldn't go upstairs where I knew there was a HUGE supply because I may wake up my grandmother and my mom would be upset.

So, with my pants around my ankles, I wandered through the door into the garage. I knew that my mom would shop in bulk and sometimes store paper towels or toilet paper in bulk in there, but that night, NONE! I got as far as the laundry room and now I was desperate. I noticed a HUGE box of Bounce fabric softener and thought, "wow, this will work." I grabbed the box and waddled back to the bathroom. This stuff actually worked, and worked well. I was all clean and I went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and my ass crack was VERY itchy. It was then I realized that my ass was irritated from the fabric softener chemical. I looked at my ass in the mirror and it was bright pink and irritated. When I told my parents that morning, my mom and dad laughed so hard that I thought they would need oxygen. It was a holiday or family gathering story for years, about Charlie and the Bounce Fabric softener. My advice, don't ever wipe your ass with it. My ass hurt for days!

By the way, the squirrel in this picture looks familiar, like Spanky who lives in Tiny A's wall! :)

Have a great Wednesday!

Sick Days

 

Playing "hookie" was something that most of us did as a child and continue to do as adults. Taking a "sick" day for the heck of it. Is it wrong?

Unlike Ferris Bueller, I really never took a "fake" sick day as a child because my mom would never go for it. There were many school years where I had "perfect attendance." I know it sounds nerdy, but that's the way my mom was. In order to be allowed to stay home one or more of the following criteria had to be met:

1) At least a pint of blood had to be lost due to a wound or an injury, anything less, my ass was on the bus.

2) A broken bone that came through the skin (compound fracture) had to occur to be considered for a day off. Anything duct tape and a homemade splint could fix would eliminate any chance of a sick day.

3) Diarrhea to the point that you were shriveled like a raisin from the loss of fluids. After trying to replenish you with a gallon of gatorade and an IV, you were allowed to stay home if it continued.

4) Chicken pox, only because the school would have sent me home anyway and my mom would have had to leave work.

5) A fever of 110, anything less than 110, an ice bath followed by a bus ride to school occurred.

6) A team of Austrian doctors would have to be flown in whenever I claimed to be sick to verify and approve the day off from school.

7) Vomiting worse than the exorcist chick, complete with 360 degree head spinning....otherwise you made a vomit trail to the bus stop.

Of course I am exaggerating (slightly) but that's the way my mom was. It has carried over into my adult life. I really only take a sick day when I am sick (either physically or mentally). I always feel very guilty when I take a sick day and usually never leave the house during the day because of guilt. I know it sounds strange, but when you are raised that way, it stays with you.

I would say that I have taken more "mental" sick days the last few years than "physical" sick days. I rarely get sick (knock on wood) but I get mentally run down quite often. A day here and there to regroup is always a good thing.

What's your sick day policy? 

The Great Escape

I hope you all had a great weekend! Mine was pretty good once again. I have a streak of these good/great weekends going don't I? Great company makes all the difference.

This weekend was a "going away" party for my friend Rich. He is going up to Albany, NY for 3 months for bootcamp for his new job, a Nassau County Court Officer. Rich and I have been good friends for about eight years. He is a lot of fun and I know we'll be friends for a very, very long time.

The party was on Saturday Night and I did not know many of the people that were going to be there. I knew his friend Rick from NJ and a few other faces looked familiar. The party was held at this "dive" bar. Seriously, it does not get any more "dive" than the bar we all went to. I dragged Tiny A along (I'm Sorry!!!) and we got there not knowing anyone until Rich got there.

As we waited for Rich to arrive, we noticed this really good looking/in great shape girl at the bar with this really FAT, nasty dude. She was kissing him and all over him. Tiny A and I could not figure this couple out. Did he have millions of dollars, an 18" dick, what was it that she saw in him? The answer later.

Anyway, Rich got there at 8:15 and made his rounds and thanked everyone for coming to a "party" in his honor. I am glad I went, but I wanted out of there so bad, the bar sucked, the music sucked, the crowd sucked, there was SMOKING going on in the bar, something we have not seen in NY in almost two years. I just hated the entire experience, but I knew I had to stay at that bar for at least a couple of hours. Tiny A and I sat at the bar and started debating each other about silly shit. We got a little intense, but it was good to see that side of each other. It is usually mostly funny and silly stuff. By 9:45 I was talking to Tiny A about a plan of escape.


I Am Outta Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

We left the bar area and scooted over to the open area by the pool table with our coats on. Rich was deep in conversation but was near the front door, so he would have seen us bolt. Tiny A thought a story of a cousin and a band playing nearby would be our escape plan. Rich was so into conversation that I could not interrupt and use that excuse. We noticed the jukebox by the front door. We thought if we went up to that and tinkered with it, we could just slither out the door. But for some reason, the fuckin' bartender was loading that up with another 1000 horrible songs. After about 15 minutes, he left the jukebox area and we went over there. Rich was just a few feet away, deep in conversation, but he was looking right at us. Damn, we could not bolt. Then a HUGE lightbulb went off in my head. The.Cell.Phone.

I pretended that I was getting a call and I pretended like I was having trouble hearing the person on the line so I told Tiny A to come with me outside to take this imaginary call. When we got to the sidewalk, we just kept going, right to the diner! I know Rich's drinking...it is heavy and he would not even remember who left and at what time in an hour or so. I was so relieved to be out of that bar!!!!!!

When I spoke to Rich later on, he was cool about me bolting that bar. He thought it was funny actually. NOW, about the hot chick with the gross dude....it turns out she was a stripper and the fat dude OWNED the strip joint she worked at. They are dating and they moved in together. About a month ago she threw him out of the condo because they had a fight and he threw her through a coffee table. A match made in heaven, huh? A wacky weekend indeed!

Weekends go way too fast, I feel like my life has been all work the last couple of months. I desperately need to get away for a while.........

A "Special" Friday! Two Treats In One!!!!!! A MUST SEE!!!!!!

We made it to Friday, and not just ANY Friday....it is National Masturbation Day! Today is a celebration of ourselves and our private and secret (or not so secret) pleasures. I hope everyone sneaks away and rubs one out today.

At the office? Hit the bathroom or a storage closet and take care of business!

On the road? Pull over and have a party with yourself!

At home? Try doing it once in every room of the house today! (just keep away from tonight's dinner ingredients)

On vacation? Go home with a stronger wrist!

I want to hear some good masturbation stories from today or times past!

In the spirit of "National Masturbation Day" The Sugar V was kind enough to drop off a home video he made on Wednesday night for all of us. It is the first time we are actually seeing him (his face) in the blog world, so it is a double treat today!!! Thanks Sugar V for making this day official with this great video. National Masturbation Day, Video Friday, an intimate C-Mac masturbation story below, and Sugar V revealing himself all in one day.....what a way to end our week!

I TOUCH MYSELF (Sugar V's Home Video: Filmed 3/1/06-Brooklyn, NY)

http://www.thesugarv.blogspot.com

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! But FIRST, a classic C-Mac masturbation story, a true story.

I was about 21 or so and I was alone in my apartment one night about midnight. I was completely naked and having, I guess you can call it, "phone sex" with this girl I worked with. We were talking really nasty and I was stroking like a madman. I was kind of seeing someone (casually, nothing serious) at the time and she mentioned that she "might" stop by that night around 10. By 11 or so I figured there was no way she was stopping by, so I took the call from this girl I worked with. While I was in the middle of stroking like a madman, I heard my front door open which I forgot to lock because I left it open for her. In the middle of stroking, I hung up on the other girl and pretended I was sleeping. I also was smart enough to shut the ringer off on the handset because I knew the horny chick would be calling right back after our "accidental" disconnection. The girl I was "seeing" walks in and sees me naked in the bed with a phone right next to me. I pretended that I "just woke up" and she asked me why I was naked and not under the covers. It was summer so I just told her I was warm. I got up, put the phone away and that was that. She bought my story! Or at least she acted like she did......the ignorance of youth. And of course the stupidity of youth on my part.......not locking that door....I mean.... doing that behind her back........ :)

Ok now, I shared, now I want your stories!!!!!!

Your Table Is Ready!!!!!

Going out to eat is something we all enjoy. It is nice not to have to cook or do dishes every once in a while. It's also nice to sit there and be served while you chat with your friends, your family, or that special someone.

Where you sit in a restaurant could be the difference between a good time out and a bad time out. "The booth" seems to be the promised land of restaurant seating. Getting a booth over a "standard" table and chairs is like sitting in first class compared to a coach seat. If it came down to it, some people would tackle you to get a booth before you. People are not in their right state of mind when it comes to a booth. I think that's why they have hostesses in a restaurant to prevent a stampede to the booths.


The Seating "Mecca" 

How many times have you been on line waiting for a table and you are next to be seated and you just scan the restaurant with your eyes to see who is almost done with their meal, who's paying the check, and who is starting to get up. You see a group in a booth paying their check and you can almost feel that cushiony booth seat under your ass, but then, they sit and bullshit for another half hour while you are desperately waiting for that booth. You just want to fuckin' scream at them to get up. So, what happens, a regular table and chairs group gets up and that seals your fate. A table and chairs it will be. FUCK, you say to yourself. It is almost like watching a horse race, you are rooting for the table you want to "win" and just get the fuck up already!!!!

What about the assholes who get a booth and only use half of it because they HAVE to sit next to each other? What the fuck??????????????????? I am sitting wedged between 5 kids and a 500lb mom and you are wasting that cushiony seat????? You are sickening all of us asshole, get back on your side of the booth before I poke your eyes out with my salad fork!!!!!!

The WORST kind of table is one of those tables where one person gets the cushion seat along the big cushiony bench wall, and the other person gets the chair and you are wedged RIGHT NEXT to other people. It is like going to dinner with strangers. You can fully hear every word they say and they can hear everything you say. The only thing fun about that is that I make wacky shit up so they listen in and can't help but try to conceal their laughs.

Tiny A and I were out to dinner last night and we got "the wedge" between two tables. Tiny A got the "bench" seat and I sat in the chair. We sat next to two middle aged women who were talking about men, their love lives, and the snowstorm coming later today. So what do I do? I make up a bullshit story and start telling Tiny A that our friend Mike and his wife Lisa were in a hot air balloon on Sunday and that someone shot them out of the sky with a bow and arrow. I made up some elaborate story saying it was on the news and that Mike broke his collar bone and that Lisa was all traumatized.

After they took it all in and left, a couple sat next to us. I took an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and ran with it. I made up a story that I ordered Chinese food the other night and when I got home with the food it was the wrong order. When I brought it back, it turns out that a guy I knew was there and he had been given my order and I got his. When we exchanged orders and I got home, I had noticed that he ate all the shrimp out of my garlic shrimp dish. I was calling him a cheap shrimp eating bastard and many other names. The woman next to use was trying very hard to control her laughing, she was covering her mouth and really enjoying the story. I love doing shit like that. Next time you are out, make up a wacky story!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday!!!!! Also, even though my grandma died back in 1998, today is her birthday! I hope she has a wonderful birthday regardless. We miss you grandma!

Bar Talk Translation

Well, we are at mid-week and the thought of a weekend drink or drinks is starting to come into focus. Being a "former" bartender, and being half Irish, I've been around bars quite a bit and I have noticed that people act VERY differently in a bar setting than they do at home, at the office, or anyplace else.


Come Here Often????? 

There should be a "bar talk" translation manual. Things people say in a bar have a hidden "meaning."

1) "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." The REAL meaning: I won't be here long enough to get another round.

2) "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." The REAL meaning: Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now $2, but by the next round they'll be $5.00. OR They plan on switching over to some top shelf liquor for the next round.

3) "HEY, WHERE IS YOUR FRIEND?" The REAL meaning: I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4) "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) The REAL meaning: I am white trash and VERY easy!

5) "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) The REAL meaning: I am very gay.

6) "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) The REAL meaning: I will drink anything if it means getting a chance to lick you.

7) "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) The REAL meaning: If this is how wild I am in a public bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8) "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) The REAL meaning: I am not getting enough attention, your friends are getting all the attention.

9) "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE) The REAL meaning: I am horny as hell.

10) "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) The REAL meaning: Get the fuck out of my way.

11) "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) The REAL meaning: My chance to grope you as I brush on by.

12) "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) The REAL meaning: Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.

13) "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) The REAL Meaning: Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, bitch, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.

14) "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" The REAL meaning: I am a cheap fucko.

15) "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." The REAL meaning: Did I bang him/her before?

16) "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) The REAL meaning: I am 19

17) "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) The REAL meaning: I got my license taken away the night I was in here last when I blew a .2 in the breathalizer on the way home.

18) "No, really, I'm OK to drive." The REAL meaning: I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

19) "You go ahead, I'll catch a cab" The REAL meaning: I've already got a ride lined up with your ex.

20) "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." The REAL meaning: My ex just walked in with his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend.

On that note.........................


 

"Crime and NO Punishment"

Before I start today's blog, I just want to say that I hope you are all preparing for National Masturbation Day on Friday! I hope the lube is stocked, the batteries are charged, and the wrists are loose.

Now for today's blog here on the LAST day of February. I expect some quality participation today!!!!! Ok, now this is hypothetical, I don't want all you self-righteous fuckos saying "Oh, I would never commit a crime." Here's the scenario. If you could commit a crime, of any sort, with advanced knowledge that you would NEVER be caught or punished for it, what would you do and why???


Gimme The Loot....... 

I think most people would choose to rob a bank or something of that nature. A quick financial fix is at the top of many people's lists. Mine would not be something like that. I would commit a crime so significant, that it would have an impact on the masses. Something like "taking out" a world leader that most people hate. A leader that has caused suffering or chaos for many people. I'd take one for the team and not fulfill any selfish urges.

If security was too tight and I could not "take out" that leader, I would go to plan B........Kidnapping Christina Aguilera and making her my sex slave......but then again why waste a quality crime on that, especially when I can get it from someone who is willing, and VERY able. I'll stick to my assassination.

Speaking of crime, what's up with George Michael? You think he'd learn after his arrest a few years ago for exposing his dick to an L.A. police officer in a public bathroom. This time he falls asleep in a car with a shitload of drugs in plain site. At least finish that shit before you fall asleep! Guess it beats spanking your "Monkey" in public.

Ok, in the spirit of spanking "monkeys" along with crime and drugs. Here is George Michael's "Monkey" to get you through your Tuesday. I expect some good crime scenarios from all of you! I can see Sugar V dancing already. He looooooooves George Michael and his monkey.

Monkey
By George Michael

Hit the Bullseye, Win A.......BEER??????

Happy Monday to all! (is there such a thing as a happy Monday?) I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was spectacular.

Spring training for Major League Baseball got underway last week. Before we know it, spring will be here and baseball will be in full swing. Whether you are a baseball fan or not, I am sure you'll LOVE this very hilarious story that took place back in 1991 when C-Mac (yours truly) was a 19 year old punk.

Back in the late 80's and early 90's the NY Yankees were horrible. You could get tickets for any game on any given night because nobody wanted to watch their pathetic play. My friends and I would buy the cheapo upper deck seats for a few bucks and wind up down on field level by the 3rd inning because all the seats down there were empty. One night we made SURE we got top notch seats down the left field line as we were ready to pull a stunt that would be reported on ESPN and many local news sportscasts.

Back in 1991, there was an up and coming player who played for the Cleveland Indians named Albert Belle. Belle would wind up being an all-star later in his career and he was known for his loud mouth, fights, problems with reporters, and many suspensions. 1991 was his first full year in MLB and early in May of that year he had an altercation with a fan in Cleveland. The prior year it was reported that Belle was in rehab for alcohol abuse and this was made public through the news. A fan in Cleveland was heckling Belle all night and was chanting "ALKIE" and asked Belle if he wanted to come to a "keg party" after the game. Belle got so fed up, that he picked up a foul ball and threw it as hard as he could hitting that fan in the chest from about 15 feet away. This was all over the news and Belle was suspended for a week. When he returned from his suspension, he was sent to the minor leagues for not running out a fly ball. About a month later, Belle was called back up to the Cleveland Indians and I noticed the Indians were coming to Yankee Stadium a week later.


Hit ME, I Need The Money! 

I was working for a large sporting goods chain store at the time and I told all my friends the idea I had. We bought 50 seats down the left field line (Albert Belle played left field) and we went to the game. We purchased over 300 paper bullseye targets from our sporting goods store, the ones you use at a shooting range or for BB gun practice, and taped them to our chests and handed them out to an additional 250 fans and they taped them to their chests. We bought a megaphone and an air horn. We also brought with us a HUGE white bed sheet that we painted the words "HIT THE BULLSEYE, WIN A BEER!!!!!!" on.

From the first inning on, we chanted "AAAAAALBERT, AAAAAAAALBERT" he would look over and just laugh and smile. By the 3rd inning he realized what the bed sheet said and we got a laugh out of him. After all, this was NY, and many opposing players expect heckling like this when they come to NY. He also got a kick out of the "chest bullseyes" as he knew we represented the fan he hit in the chest earlier that year. By the 5th inning, which was two hours of heckling later, Mr. Belle was no longer amused. He was pointing in our direction and our insults got louder. We led a chants of "This Bud's For You", "Betty Ford", "Just Say No", and many other insulting chants. At this point, many of the maybe 20,000 fans in attendance got in on the fun and the chants. By the 7th inning, Belle snapped. On his way out to the field for the bottom of the 7th, he came up to the stands, cursing us out and demanding that we take down the bed sheet. We refused. He put a leg into the stands and threatened to come in and "kick our asses" but we just kept taunting and we told him "Hit me, I need the money." By then, the umpires and Yankee stadium security got involved. Yankee Stadium security confiscated the bed sheet to a loud roar of 20,000 Ny'ers booing and cursing. That only got the crowd going even more as chants of "Alco-holic, Alco-holic" filled the stadium for the last two innings when Belle was on the field.

When we got home that evening, we saw that our taunts made "Sportscenter" on ESPN and we had taped the Yankees game before we left and fast forwarded it to the 7th inning melee. Although the TV cameras would not show us or the banner, the announcers described a "disturbance going on down the left field line involving Albert Belle." It was a hilarious and memorable night. Don't feel bad for Belle, he turned out to be one of the meanest, most selfish players in baseball history. I am glad we gave him a NY welcome that night.

Have a great start to the week!

"Step" In The Name Of Friday

It is the end of a week that felt like a month! I know the expression is played out but, Thank God Its Friday!!!!

A work week can be long, repetitive, stressful, challenging, and sometimes painful. But, it is the memories of great times we have had in the past, great things currently in our lives, and the optimism about what lies ahead that makes the tougher times much easier.

It could be a call from a friend, a text or an email from someone we miss, the thought of someone we really like, the smile we get from reading each other's blogs, the excitement about the weekend ahead, or a song on the radio that takes us back to a great time in our lives.... that is the difference between a disaster of a day and a good one....a horrible week or a nice one.

Whether it be an early morning chat with Sugar V, an e-mail from Hilda, a comment here on my blog from my "regulars", a text from Tiny A, Bruce wagging his tail like crazy when I come home, or anything in between, the little things make me the happiest.

Today I chose "Step In The Name of Love" by R. Kelly as my Friday Video. I chose it because it reminds me of great times I've had in the past and the optimism I have for what lies ahead. I dedicate this one to "someone special" today. Someone who makes me smile, makes me think, makes me laugh, and always manages to find the right thing to say or do. I am looking forward to "stepping" into a great weekend. I hope you all have a great weekend as well.

Step In The Name Of Love
By R. Kelly