Sometimes You Just Get Lost In The Forest

Have you ever been involved in a relationship, or employed at a job, or involved in anything that made you lose touch with yourself? Something in which the more you got involved and the deeper you went into that forest, the more lost you became? I think many of us have been there and it took an extraordinary event or inspiration from within to free ourselves from that forest.


Lost In The Forest 

For the last two years I was employed at a pharmaceutical company. I was hired in December of 2003 because of my extensive background and experience in procurement and negotiation. During the interview process, I was told that many of my previous accomplishments were ideas that the company needed, so I was immediately hired. I left the technology field for pharmaceuticals with great hope of a long and bright future. I would have to take a step back salary wise, but I was willing to do it because of all the potential I saw there.

During the first few months, things were great. Many of my ideas were put into place and I was relied upon greatly within my department. I always provided the best service, built great relationships with people at work and with vendors and suppliers outside the company, and came in with a positive attitude. Suddenly things changed.

I am not sure if it was jealousy, if some felt threatened by me, or if it was just plain stupidity, but suddenly my immediate supervisor and another employee, whose brother in law is the VP of the organization turned on me and made my life hell for the next 18 months. I am not talking about typical office politics, I am talking about unethical, illegal, and hostile actions. For 18 months I battled and hoped things would turn around. I continued to perform the job to the highest standards possible despite the very hostile environment. It was a struggle each day to get up and go to work and it took its toll on me mentally and physically. I reported this behavior to HR and the people I was supposed to report it all to, yet nothing was done about it and the behavior continued. Each day I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss. The only things that got me through each day were my friends at the job and the knowledge that someday I'd be out of there.

As you sink deeper and deeper into something like this, or a bad relationship, or whatever, your instincts tell you every day that you need to get out, that the situation you are in is bad for you, yet you stay. Maybe it's optimism that things will improve, maybe it's being naive that you will change these "bad" people, maybe it's a competitive spirit, who knows, but you become lost in that forest and it takes its toll on you. Eventually you find a way out.

I am out of that situation now. I have my pride back. I no longer have to deal with blatant ignorance, with tension that you could cut with a knife, or with people who are genuinely evil. I have more than enough physical evidence to go to court with if I eventually choose to, but isn't freeing yourself from that and moving on with a sense of pride while those two bastards rot there payment enough? Or is revenge for all they did to me called for in this situation? Do I owe it to my friends still employed there and future employees to fight and ensure this won't happen to anyone else? Or do I say fuck it? There were a couple of people in a position to do something, yet they sat around and did nothing. It's amazing, but most people only take action if it's something that directly has an effect on them, not because it's the right thing to do regardless. That's what's wrong with America and the world. One thing is certain, you find out fast who your friends are.

What kind of "forest" have you been lost in and how did you get out?

Organized Panhandling

I'll start this post with a question. What's the difference between these two guys?


Organized Panhandler 


Disorganized Panhandler 

If you answered, NOTHING, we think alike. Both parties are panhandlers. Although the homeless panhandler does not bother me nearly as much as the "organized" panhandler.

That's the topic of today's post, organized panhandlers. It seems I can't go to a supermarket, a mall, or any shopping center without having some douche nozzle or organization try to sell me something or ask me for a donation. This is not limited to the holiday season, these people are out in force ALL YEAR LONG!

You have the regulars like the Salvation Army, Save the Children, The Veterans, etc. Then there are the Girl Scouts. Like they don't sell enough cookies at everyone's office when their parents bring in the list every year and we all go home with 20 boxes each, they feel the need to sell more outside the supermarket each year. It pisses me off. If I wanted cookies, I was JUST IN THE STORE, I would have bought them there! All of these organizations put you on the spot and make you feel like a mean fucko if you don't buy their crap or make a donation. The Veterans are good at this, especially in times of war. We are all supposed to feel bad and empty our wallets? My dad is a Veteran and he has never received a dime from any veterans organization. Where the hell is all this money going? Who's getting it?

Then there are the deaf/mute folks who approach you with a printed card asking you to buy a little novelty item for like $10. They hand you a note and are in your face, like you can say no. It's an unfair sales tactic. What are they buying with this money?

Then there are my favorite "panhandlers" of all. The kids with the boxes of M&M's or Snickers that are selling this crap outside the supermarket. They claim it is for uniforms for the football team, kids on crack, instruments for the marching band, etc. I think it's all bullshit. This little fucko went to Costco, bought a box of M&M's and is making a 400% profit. Like I want a $5 Snickers bar or a $5 pack of M$M's.

I think half these organization names are made up. What's next? The Hispanic Alcoholic Lesbian Foundation? Or maybe The Fingerless Wood Shop Teacher's Organization? Perhaps The Smelly Cab Driver's Deodorant Fund?

I am generous, I just hate to be hassled everywhere I go. In the age of the internet and a million other ways to raise money, why hassle us when we are food shopping or minding our own business? The only difference between a homeless dude on the street and the Girl Scouts is a folding table and a nicer sign.

In times of crisis like 9/11, Katrina, The Tsunami, everyone should reach out and do what they can. Donating to a charity like cancer research, AIDS, etc. is a great thing as well, but when is enough....enough? Where are our tax dollars going? We only get about 70% of our paychecks after all the crap is taken out, then we have to pay sales tax and a million other taxes. Then if we stopped and donated to all these big and small charities, we'd all be bringing home about $10 a week. Enough is enough. Instead of starting wars and pissing our tax dollars away, the government should send money to all of these "causes" and leave us all alone.

Have a great Tuesday!!!!!

The Blue-Light Zone

With the holiday shopping season in full effect, I thought I'd re-post a Wal-Mart blog I wrote back in May....enjoy your Monday!!!!


Enter At Your Own Risk...... 

Everybody has someone they dont want to run into. (I have at least 5, but who's counting). Maybe an ex-girlfriend, a friend you wronged, or maybe some girl you didn’t call back after banging her in the backseat of her daddy's Lexus in 1998...we all have someone we could go forever without seeing again. So what is the easiest way to avoid running into this person?

Don't go to Wal-Mart.

It's as simple as that. Oh, the odds are against you if you hope to NEVER see them again...but by going to Wal-Mart your chances of running into this person greatly increase. You see, Wal-Mart is a pardox in the avoid-like-the-plague equation. People hardly ever take it into consideration when they suddenly realize they are running low on kitty litter, toiletries, paper towels, or Poland Spring. See, when we need these types of things we just hop in the car and drive over to our nearest All-In-One (Wal-Mart) without a thought of the potential risks involved.

And then you see him/her. In an aisle with toothpaste and feminine hygiene products. Pushing their cart across your path as you come out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your heel. Or in that clusterfuck near the electronics section, where they dont clear the lanes of DVD displays for easier cart and pedestrian travel. You hesitate for a moment, contemplate diving head-first into the next aisle in the hopes they didnt see you...but then you are too late. They spot you, smile and acknowledge you. Shit.

And that's a GOOD scenario. What if you see a lover you just broke up with hanging off a new guy/girl, laughing and giggling. You are there to fill your supply of Prozac or Zoloft at the pharmacy because that bitch ripped your heart out. Or what about running into someone YOU never called back? Quite awkward.

ANYWAY, the bottom line is that Wal-Mart is a place everyone goes to at one time or another. It's unavoidable. And you WILL run into someone you know. Maybe it wont be an enemy or someone on your bad list, but you WILL see someone. You can't hide. And it doesn't just include Wal-Marts you reside around. Travel all the way to Florida, duck into a Wal-Mart for a jug of kool-aid or maybe some suntan lotion, and you'll see Billy, that cocksucking punk from high school math who sold your buddy John oregano instead of weed, or Susie, the whore who gave your best friend an STD. Wal-Marts are breeding grounds for chaos....they KNOW when you are coming and they almost magically conjure up someone from your past just to ruin your day.

So, the next time you are in the car with a friend and he takes that turn off the main drag and you ask, "Hey, where we going now?" and he says, "Oh C-Mac, I just gotta stop by Wal-Mart for something real quick." "Fuck! I dont want to go to Wal-Mart," you say. "I hate that place." He then soothingly, convincingly says, "Oh it's just for a minute...we'll run in and run right back out."

Don't believe him. If you have to, stay in the car and hide under a blanket. Or bail out of the vehicle while it’s moving, right then and there. Make sure you tuck your arms in so that your shoulders take the brunt of the asphalt.

You are not safe. There is really nothing you can do, except pray. Or maybe shop at Target or Sears.

But in the end, Wal-Mart will win. It always does…….when you enter......... “The Blue-Light Zone.”

Bruce's Winter Fashion Show

It's a winter treat here at "The Beach." The 1st annual Brucey Boy winter fashion show. With the snow falling for the 3rd time this week here in NY, I figured I'd close out the week with a winter fashion extravaganza. Have a great weekend everyone!!!


Nope, not an eskimo, just Brucey in his new doggie parka...... 


Where is my igloo? 


My new pj's kick ass! 


Is it bedtime yet????? 


I look like a sausage! 


Sweater and boots, ready to take on winter! 


Are you talkin' to me? 

A Day of Remembrance, A Day the Music Truly Died

As a child, many times you don't understand the significance of an event that takes place. Perhaps that is the beauty of being a child, the innocence. The inability to grasp or comprehend a tragic event. Back on December 8, 1980, twenty-five years ago today, I was an eight year old kid in elementary school. I was up on current events and I was a curious kid. I remember hearing that John Lennon had been shot and killed in NYC. Growing up in a musical household, I knew who John lennon was, but did not comprehend what he meant to the music world or to the world in general. I did not "appreciate" who he was back then, but that all would change over the years as I started to have an even deeper passion for music and music history.


John Lennon 1940-1980 

John was shot in front of his home, the Dakota apartment building at about 10:50pm on the night of December 8, 1980. John had just finished an evening recording session with his wife Yoko and was returning home. Mark David Chapman, who John had signed a copy of his newly released "Double Fantasy" album for earlier that evening, was waiting on the sidewalk as John's limousine approached. As John walked down the sidewalk towards the entrance to his building, Chapman fired, striking John in the back and killing him. A tragedy the world was not prepared for.

The story of the shooting was first reported on rock n' roll station WNEW FM in NYC and on WABC's Monday Night Football. Within minutes of his death, legendary sports broadcaster Howard Cosell announced to the nation that Lennon had been killed. Within minutes, hundreds of stunned and weeping people poured onto the streets near the Dakota and into the park. Was this really happening?


"I Read The News Today, Oh Boy" 

For a solid week, people gathered singing Lennon's songs, lighting candles, and paying tribute to John. On Sunday, December 14th, John's wife Yoko asked for 10 minutes of silence to honor John, many cities around the world took place in this tribute. "Imagine" which was John's signature solo song, was simulcast around the world on every station at the same time.


NYC, and the world was stunned.... 


A Man That Truly Left His Mark On the World 

A couple of years after his tragic death, a memorial to John was introduced to us all in Central park, just steps from his home, steps from where he was killed. Strawberry Fields is a perfect tribute to John. Located on W 72nd and Central Park West, Strawberry Fields is the gathering place to honor and remember John. I went on a field trip there in 6th grade, just 3 years after he was killed and a year after the memorial opened, and I really took a liking to this place. It was a peaceful and tranquil place.


Strawberry Fields In NYC's Central Park. A Memorial To John Lennon. His Residence, the Dakota Building, Looms In the Background 

Each year, to mark the anniversary of his death, vigils are held at Strawberry Fields. I make it my business to go every year within a week of his death. It's something I have done for the last 10 years. On my way into NYC to see the tree and enjoy the holiday atmosphere NYC is famous for this time of year, I always stop in the park and make my way to Strawberry Fields. I spend a few minutes watching all John's fans bring candles, flowers, etc., and place them on the huge mosaic tile "Imagine." People gather and sing Beatles and Lennon songs, there is always at least one or two people with guitars. It's nice, everyone sings along and pays tribute to an amazing artist.


The Yearly Vigil Honoring John Lennon at Strawberry Fields. It Is Something Everyone Should Experience At Least Once. 


I Often 'Imagine' and Wonder How Much John Still Had To Give the World. 



The World Could Use Someone Like John Right About Now 

I guess what troubles me most about his death is that John was at peace and genuinely happy for the first time in his life. After about 8 years out of the music business to spend time with and raise his son Sean, John was back making music and came out with one of his best pieces of work ever just a week before his death. I think a song Elton John wrote for John after his death says it all:

What happened here
As the new york sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden among the flagstones there
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And now it all looks strange
It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain

And what's it for
This little empty garden by the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And we are so amazed we're crippled and we're dazed
A gardener like that one no one can replace

And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey johnny
Can't you come out to play

And through their tears
Some say he farmed his best in younger years
But he'd have said that roots grow stronger if only he could
hear
Who lived there
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls
We hear, we hear your name

Johnny can't you come out to play in your empty garden

It's only fitting to end this post with:

Strawberry Fields
By The Beatles

Public Restroom Scenarios

It's been well documented here at "The Beach" that I have a strong dislike, perhaps even a phobia of public restrooms. I just think the whole bathroom experience is a private one, not to be shared with random strangers.

So I was at the hospital all day on Tuesday waiting while my mom had her surgery. Thanks, by the way, for all those who called, emailed, and commented, she is doing well. Anyway, about 1PM, I had to use a public restroom since I was going to be there all day. I finally tracked down a single occupancy, co-ed restroom. The only problem, no lock on the fuckin' door. Quite a dilemma. The toilet about 6 feet from the door...... So there I was, like a first baseman, right foot wedged against the door, left foot about 3 feet in front of my body, knees bent, peeing, hoping nobody would push hard on that door and knock me over while I was going. Don Mattingly and many other first baseman would have given me props for that show of talent.


CMac's Phobia..... 

From the traumatic handblower story, to many urinal tales, this is just one folly in a long line of public restroom follies.

Who invented the urinal? I always wondered about that. When did society decree it was acceptable for men to line up and urinate out in the open? The Sugar V loves urinals. It's an awkward situation to be standing there urinating with someone so close to you that you are almost shoulder to shoulder. You stare straight ahead with nothing you can really say. You can't hum or sing because everyone else will think you are insane. I don't want anyone checking out the goods, getting jealous and shit.

Then there's the pressure of actually peeing while you know others are standing behind you waiting for the urinal. This is common at baseball games, concerts, and bars. You feel like you are on a timer. It's like the final Jeopardy! answer and the song is almost done. That's why I am a stall man, always have been, always will be. I like the luxury and the comfort of a stall. Even if someone is waiting outside the stall, the pressure isn't as great to hurry and get out because that door suddenly looms as large as the once mighty Berlin Wall.

I think work bathrooms are the worst because these are people you have to see daily. There is nothing worse than going into a work bathroom where there is nobody in there but it stinks from the last person. As you pee and wash up and leave, somebody you work with comes in and thinks you created the stench....it's an awkward feeling. Seriously though, some of the odors in the work bathrooms are horrible. If my crap smelled like that bathroom after some of these people go, I'd seek immediate medical attention. What the hell are they eating????? And it never hurts to flush after you go...isn't that why we have indoor plumbing???? Some of these people refuse to flush! Is it a religious thing? FUCKERS! FLUSH!!!!!

I think I may have a phobia of public restrooms. What is that phobia called? Urinalphobia? Stenchaphobia? I don't know. The only time I go at a urinal is when I am totally drunk, then I'll pee anywhere. I say stalls across the board for men and women with doors that go all the way to the ground. There should be a red or green occupied thingy on the door to determine if someone's in there or not...not this looking for feet nonsense. Take it from me, that does not always work. I walked in on somebody at work sitting on the bowl one day because he didn't lock his stall and I didn't see his feet. Not the most comfortable situation. That image is still cemented on my brain!

Once, I was barely in the stall to pee for 5 seconds when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, Not too much!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Any public bathroom horror stories you have experienced?

Nothing Today

More snow today. :( My mom has her surgery today, so I will be at the hospital all day, hope everyone has a great Tuesday! I will be back tomorrow for the usual nonsense here!

Skating With The Stars

Good Morning everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend! I had a good weekend despite the snow and cold here in NY.

Yesterday, I actually got to sit and watch my first full football game of the year. With the cold and snow, it was a perfect day to hang out and watch football. The NY Giants beat Dallas and are in FIRST place all alone!

While I was watching the game on FOX, they advertised a new show that will be starting in January called "Skating With Celebrities." This is FOX's version of ABC's "Dancing With The Stars."


What's Next???? 


What has America come to? As if "Dancing With The Stars" wasn't bad enough, now we have to watch idiots on ice. The IQ of the average American is falling fast. Back in June, I wrote a blog post on things I'd rather do than watch "Dancing With The Stars" and I suppose this list applies to the new skating show as well:

Drag my balls over 5 acres of rusted tin can lids
Pull all the hair from my body with a DULL tweezer
Give Roseann Barr a gynecological exam
Stick my penis in the bottle crusher at the supermarket
Roll around in a steaming pile of Bruce's dog shit
Listen to the Village People for a week straight
Go shopping for 8 hours with an ex girlfriend
Watch the Sugar V perform his version of the Nutcracker in a tutu
Observe a legless Ethiopian helplessly watch a donut roll down a hill

I just don't understand where they get the ideas or concepts for these horrible TV shows. Since dancing and skating with the stars seems to be something people actually want to watch, I came up with my own celebrity reality show ideas:

Bowling With The Stars
Watching TV With The Stars
Golf With The Stars
Roller Derby With The Stars
Masturbating With The Stars (cable TV only)
Eating Disorders With The Stars
Drug Binges With The Stars
Ping Pong With The Stars
Badminton With The Stars

Your Ideas????

I Guess Summer Really IS Over

I woke up this morning, and to my surprise, this was the view from my front deck:


First Snow of the Season In NY 

I was in serious denial that summer was over, I guess reality has slapped me in the face this morning! I want to move to a tropical island.....from now until March here in NY, it is loooooooooong and cold........I can't wait for baseball.

A Musical Friday

Another week in the books. Only 4 left in 2005. Only 3 weeks until Christmas.

My second interview at the record label went extremely well. It was very informal. We talked music and about Charlie the person rather than Charlie the professional, it was nice. We really got into some deep conversation about music and the passion I have for it and how much of a role it has played in my life. On the train ride home I was thinking of songs that have inspired me or that have really left a long lasting impression on my life. I thought I would share 10 them with you, along with today's video, which is one of those 10 songs. I hope the video and the list take you into the weekend on a happy note. Enjoy.

"Let It Be" by The Beatles. This song speaks for itself. Paul actually wrote this for his Mom who had passed away from cancer. The "Mother Mary" that comes to him in his times of trouble that Paul speaks about in this song is his mother. Just an amazing piece of work. My choice for Friday's Video.

Let It Be
By The Beatles

"What's Goin'On" by Marvin Gaye. A perspecive of the world through the eyes of a Vietnam veteran (Marvin's brother) upon returning from the war. Marvin takes a look around and questions all that was going on around him. Brilliant.

"Moondance" by Van Morrison. Truly, one of the most romantic songs ever written. I've gone through many a bottle of wine with this one in the background. The music, the lyrics, and his voice are just intoxicating.

"Midnight Train To Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. This song's lyrics give me the chills each time I hear it. It is inspiring and heartfelt. A true classic in every sense of the word.

"You Can't Always get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones. The title says it all really. A song about the difficulty in finding happiness. I love the choir on this track. A pure example of why the Stones are still going strong.

"Get Here" by Oleta Adams. No matter where I am when I hear this song, I get choked up. A song about two people separated by distance who belong together. A gut wrenching tune.

"Don't Worry Baby" by The Beach Boys. For me, this is a perfect example of a simple song, with simple lyrics made great by the harmonies and feeling the Beach Boys gave it. It puts a smile on my face every time I hear it.

"Honesty" by Billy Joel. Honesty, something we all look for and expect from others, especially the people we love, yet it is so hard to find. Billy breaks it all down so eloquently in this song. A masterpiece.

"Watching the Wheels" by John Lennon. This song blows me away. John talks about his life after the Beatles and is truly content being out of the music "game" and raising his son Sean. Brilliantly written, like everything else John ever wrote.

"Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen. I think we have all thought of just hopping in our cars and driving until we can't drive anymore. Just start fresh, just get away from all that we know. Born To Run gives us all a chance to dream.

Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday Round Up

It is indeed Thursday. A fast week, right???? It has been for me. AND it is December! Where the heck has the year gone people?

Job Interview Update:

Ok, so I got the official offer from the computer firm as you all know. I was told by the owner of the company to make my decision by Friday (tomorrow) as to whether or not I would accept. Last I heard, I was still the "favorite" for the record label job as well. I called the recruiter for the record label and told her I have another offer and before I accept it, I would like to know when a decision would be made on the record label position. She immediately called the VP of the record label that I interviewed with last week to tell her that I received another offer and was thinking of accepting it. Well, she told the recruiter to have me come in at 4PM today to see her again. She told the recruiter she did not want to let me slip away. The recruiter assured me they will make an offer later today! I am blown away by the salary she mentioned as well, it is truly unbelievable. It's almost too good to be true. I hope this pans out! I will have another update as soon as I find out more.

Switching gears, "Punchy" was a weird dude huh?


What Is On His Head???? 

The Hawaiian Punch mascot scared me. What is that shit on his head? I never could figure it out.

L-HA and I got to talking last night about the "women and children first" rule. Not sure how I feel about that. Don't get me wrong, I am all for respect and helping others, but if I was on Titanic, you can be sure my ass would have been in a lifeboat. What about the rule that even the elderly go before men? What the F??? So, I should let an 80 year old woman, who lived a full life, be saved before me? I don't think so!!!!! What ever happened to survival of the fittest? haha Just playing devil's advocate.

Tell me the truth, have you ever had a birthday wish come true? Are these "caviar wishes and champagne dreams" just that? I had to throw in a Robin Leach quote. I often wonder how many of those wishes before you blow out the candles actually come true......

Howard Dean, former Vermont (home of maple syrup and skiing) Governor and now head of the Democratic National Committee was recently criticized by Republicans for being a hypocrite on race relations stating that he had NO African Americans in his cabinet. Hmmmm, you can't criticize a guy for not hiring African Americans in a state that has none!!!! There is only one African American in Vermont, and she is on the maple syrup bottle.


Not Interested In Politics, and I Don't Blame Her!!!! 

Finally, don't you hate when you are put on hold and that recorded message says "Your call is important to us"? If my call was that important, perhaps they would have a fuckin' human on duty to answer it. Fuckos!

Have a great Thursday everyone!!!!

C-Mac's Holiday Tips

The Holidays are fast approaching, so I decided to dedicate today's post to offering some friendly holiday advice. I figured that offering these holiday tips 3-4 weeks before the holidays would benefit us all. So here we go with C-Mac's Holiday Tips:

* Don't over extend yourself by acting like a big shot and buying gits you can't afford. The joke will be on you when you can't pay your rent in February and your lights and gas are turned off by the end of January. Don't be a cheap fuck, but don't act like a big shot either. The person you bought the plasma TV for will know you overspent when you are living with them by Superbowl Sunday, so use your head.

* Don't put anything together that requires assembly while drunk, especially items such as kid's bikes or furniture. Reward yourself with some spiked egg nog or another beverage AFTER you put all the shit together. You don't want to spend Christmas morning in the ER.

* If you can see the Christmas lights on your house from Saturn or if your electric meter is spinning faster than an old 78 record, you probably over did it. Sometimes less is more.

* Take the price tags off the shit before you wrap it. Especially if you are a cheap fuck. Peel the $2 price sticker off the bottle of wine you got for the neighbor BEFORE you put that metallic silver bag around it.



"Listen to C-Mac's Tips, Fuckos!!!!" 

* If you are married or in a relationship and you are cheating, don't promise the "other person" you will spend any significant time with them on Christmas. Chances are, the only time you will have for them on Christmas is a quick lie telling your partner you are heading to 7-11 for dip or something else wacky. Unless you wanna bang them or give them their gift under the Slurpee machine, come up with a good lie about a sick relative in Utah and see them before or after the holiday.

* If your kid gets straight F's, has been in trouble all year at school, and is a little fucko, DON'T buy him/her ANY gifts. Running down the stairs on Christmas morning to find NOTHING will snap them out of whatever is causing their fucked up behavior. Send a message this Christmas!!!!

* Unless you want a George Forman grill wedged in your ass, or your dick in a Hamilton Beach blender on the puree cycle, guys, DO NOT buy your woman any kitchen gadgets for the holidays. You know you are not buying it to make their life any easier, you are buying it so you can sit your fat ass on the sofa and eat better food. Buy them something for THEM!!!

* Even if it is 20 degrees below zero the day you go shopping, dress in light spring clothes and leave your coat in the car. You'll be glad you did. It's about 100 degrees in the mall between the heating system and the body heat of 5,000 savages rummaging through the clearance racks. You will freeze your ass off for sure in the 2 minute walk from the car to the store, but you'll be very comfortable for the next few hours not having to wear or carry your coat with 100 packages in hand.

* Don't try to impress your significant other with a technologically advanced gift they will NEVER figure out. Impress them when/where you should, in bed. Leave the gifts simple.

* Don't get too hammered at the office Holiday party. Doing the Forbidden Dance with the 500lb dude from shipping isn't going to get you a bigger bonus. Nor is telling Peggy from accounting that she has B.O. Have a drink or two, then get the hell out of there!

* Steer clear of "Grab Bags" or "Secret Santas"...you always get screwed. You always buy someone something really nice and you walk away with a Chia Pet or a "Sweating to the Oldies" cassette.

* The only "Yule Log" your woman should be watching on Christmas Morning is the one in your pants.

Ok, so I got carried away, once I started, I couldn't stop. Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!!!