When the Moment Is Right..............

You have all seen this commercial....the couple in the bathtubs with the voice over talking about erectile dysfunction and how Cialis can help them....

Is it erectile dysfunction or could it be the fact that they are in separate tubs, in public, sitting in 50 degree water, with a cool sea breeze blowing on them? Not to mention the paranoia of the Zodiac Killer or Son of Sam sneaking up on them and killing them. No wonder the poor guy can't get hard.

Anyway, the weekend is upon us! I am excited for it and the fact that I have a 2 day work week next week...then 2.5 day work week after that...VACATION!!!!

Oh one more thing.....gum companies need to stop inventing flavors. Grape, cherry, cinnamon, peppermint, etc are flavors. Artic Blast and Crystal Frost sound like some form of meth.....ever taste these made up flavors?????

I will catch up with you all on Monday! Enjoy your weekend...what the heck...I will leave you with a video...just like old times....enjoy the music!

Biiiiiiiig Search for Bigfoot

Ok, stay with me for a second....read this quick article...then read my take on it....

MANISTIQUE, Mich. — Researchers will visit the Upper Peninsula next month to search for evidence of the legendary creature known as "Bigfoot" or "Sasquatch."

The expedition will focus on eastern Marquette County, said Matthew Moneymaker of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization.

"We'll be looking for evidence supporting a presence.... We hope to meet local people who might have seen a Sasquatch or heard of someone else who had an encounter," Moneymaker told the Daily Press of Escanaba.

The legend of Bigfoot dates back centuries. But skeptics have challenged accounts of sightings, and practical jokers have staged hoaxes that have included grainy film footage of people dressed in costumes.

But Moneymaker said members of his organization have either glimpsed Bigfoot or gotten close enough to hear the creature in all but three of 30 expeditions in the United States and Canada.

Dr. Grover Krantz, a scientist specializing in cryptozoology, the study of creatures that have not been proven to exist, believes Bigfoot is a "gigantopithecus," a branch of primitive man believed to have existed 3 million years ago.

Ok, for starters....they actually have an "organization" dedicated to bigfoot research???? What kind of fucking idiot joins this organization???? Picture this..

Man: "Honey, see you Monday"
Woman: "Where are you going dear??"
Man: "I have that bigfoot search/expedition this weekend, remember?"
Woman: "Oh, I forgot! Have a wonderful time darling, hope you find him, be careful!!!"

This guy hasn't been laid since the Johnson aministration.....Andrew Johnson.....

Maybe it is because I am a native New Yorker and used to occupying my time in a much more productive way....but I think I'd feel the same way if I lived elsewhere. I just couldn't picture myself wandering through the woods for a weekend looking for a make believe "monster" who Buster Brown modeled a shoe after back in the 70's. Remember those? They made a shoe for kids with a "footprint" on the bottom as a spoof on bigfoot.....my mom actually bought them for us.....anyway.....

Who funds this organization? Do people write off "The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization" on their taxes as a charitable donation? I mean, they need supplies, tents, sleeping bags, and many weapons to fight off this beast don't they?

When are people going to realize that the "picture" taken back in the 1970's of Bigfoot is some drunken asshole in a gorilla costume on a weekend bachelor party retreat???? Come on guys, there's one of "them" in every bunch!

Wouldn't logic dictate that if there WAS a bigfoot, he'd probably be dead already??? I guess 3 million years old is considered a toddler in bigfoot years. West Nile Virus, contaminated lakes and streams, acid rain (especially in Michigan), lack of sex, no good pizza for miles.....

Something in the sea..I could believe. Scientists still discover over 100 "new" species of marine life each year.....the ocean is deep and vast and I could see how you could "miss" something all these years....but some 10 foot tall hairy beast wandering around the woods of Michigan wearing a size 30....I think not.....unless it is Ron Jeremy on vacation.

Does It Really Matter????

I should preface this blog entry by saying that I don't hate any one "group" of people...I just happen to hate most everyone...so here goes......

In my weekend travels, I pass many store fronts. Whether it be here in the "City By the Sea" or in one of the five boroughs of New York City, I like to people watch. Lately I have noticed a big trend. Fat women getting manicures and pedicures very frequently. Now, don't get me wrong, nice nails and feet on any woman is a good thing.....but...shouldn't these "big" women start on the obvious first??? It's like only painting the trim on your house and letting the rest of it rot away.....I don't get it. Shouldn't the big job get done before the little details?

Do they think that when they go out later that night people are going to look beyond the 80lbs of belly fat bursting over those low rise jeans that they painted on? You know the pants...the ones where the zipper and button are holding on for dear life. I get it.....a guy is going to look beyond your ass that is six axe handles wide and admire your toes.....

I don't discriminate. Fat men do the same shit. They will go out and spend a fortune on a "nice" car or "nice" clothes...thinking a woman is simply going to look beyond the potato chip crumbs lost in their crater sized belly button. These guys haven't seen their dick since the Nixon administration....yet they make sure to fine tune the little points.

About two months ago I was walking Bruce in my neighborhood. It was a Friday Morning around 7am. On the corner of my block and the main road there is a huge 24 hour bagel store. I was crossing the street (I had the light in my favor) in front of the bagel store when out of nowhere this 350lb guy EATING A BAGEL while driving his huge SUV almost runs us over. He rolls down the window and asks "Why are you walking your dog in the street????" I turned to him and said "The question of the day shouldn't be about me walking my dog...the question of the day is DO YOU REALLY NEED THAT BAGEL YOU FAT FUCK??????" He was stunned and just drove away......

Another story about looking at the "fine points" and missing the big picture.... I am hooked on a certain flavor of Vitamin Water. It is called XXX. It has a ton of antioxidants...pomegranate juice, blueberry juice...and some other berry juice...anyway it is really good for you. Jen and I were on the beach on Saturday soaking up ths sun and enjoying each other's company and "people watching." In front of us was a group of about 8 twenty-somethings. One girl was drinking one of the XXX Vitamin waters while she was bragging about how good it was for her. Meanwhile, she had a cigarette in the other hand and was puffing away in between gulps of the vitamin water. I don't understand people.......

Weekend!!!!

After a wild night of thunderstorms, a sunny day with low humidity is upon us here at "the beach." No real writing today, just wishing you all a great weekend and leaving you with an old 80's tune I have in my head today! Enjoy! :)

You're FIRED!!!

Kellogg's says it will stop advertising its breakfast cereals to children under 12 unless the cereal meets certain nutritional guidelines. The decision comes on the heels of a threatened lawsuit by several advocacy groups who claim that the "cartoon" characters target youngsters and cause obesity.

Are you fucking kidding me? Tony the Tiger, who has been around for years, and his buddies are making your kid fat? PLEASE!!!! Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the least of your kid's worries.

Your kid is fat from the 4 gallons of soda he drinks a day, the 5 hours of video games, the lack of exercise, the "Oscar Meyer" bologna sandwiches you pack him for lunch, and the pizza you feed him for dinner because you are too fucking lazy to cook a meal for your kids. Don't blame Toucan Sam.

It seems like people are always looking for someone else to blame....looking right past the fat little fuck sitting on the couch on an 80 degree day playing with his Sony Playstation. I may sound old, but when I was a kid, we had to be called about 10 times to COME IN for dinner. On a summer day, we were LOCKED outside the house and forced to play and were only allowed in to use the bathroom.

I say to the parents out there.....stop whining and start parenting. While you are at it, stop looking for a scapegoat everytime something goes wrong. Stop blaming teachers for your child's stupidity, stop blaming music and movies because your kid is fucked up, and stop blaming McDonalds and Cartoon characters because your kid is a fat fuck.

The rate of obesity will in no way be slowed down by Kellogg's decision. In reality, it will actually lead to increased weight gain, because people will consume more now that they think it is "nutritional." Bank on it.

I am sure other cereal makers will follow suit. So watch out Trix Rabbit, your cottony ass is next!

Hasn't the Trix Rabbit endured enough? Those little fucks tormented him for years, teasing him with those bowls of fruity goodness only to tell him "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids!!!!" The Trix Rabbit dressed in drag, in clever disguises, and tried so many other ways to get himself a simple bowl of cereal, and now he's out of work? He definitely will snap now....if you see him in a trenchcoat....run like hell.

So what will come of these characters now that they are out of work??????

Snap, Crackle and Pop....Gay porn for sure.

Tony the Tiger will be exiled to the San Diego Zoo where he will tormented by tourists until he dies a slow and painful death.

The Trix Rabbit will snap and kill a bunch of kids and end up on death row with Scott Peterson.

Toucan Sam will be shot, stuffed, and placed on some hunter's mantle.

The Lucky Charms dude will become an alcoholic.

These poor bastards.

A Need for Marketing???

Well, the weekend is over and it was back to the grind today! I had a nice weekend with Jen and we got to do a lot.

Saturday Night, after a day at the beach here in Long Beach, we got our stuff together (including Bruce) and went to Jen's house in Queens for the night. We were excited to see "Sicko" (on DVD) the new Michael Moore movie that comes out in 2 weeks that I was lucky enough to get my hands on before it's movie release (shhhhh). She just got a new kick ass TV and we thought we'd enjoy watching it there. Anyway....before we started the movie, I was flipping around the channels. I think Jen was in the bathroom or the kitchen at this point.....when a "VAGISIL" anti feminine itch creme commercial came on. Immediately the wheels started turning.....

How many women with itchy vaginas do they think were watching channel 40 at that time? Was there going to be a mass exodus of itchy vagina women making a charge for the local drugstore? A product like this just does not need to be advertised on TV in my opinion. If you have an itchy vagina, is it going to take a commercial to make you go get something for it? I would think you would get a treatment way before a commercial "persuaded" or "reminded" you to do it. If it takes a commercial for you to notice or want to stop the itching, you have bigger problems.

The same goes for tampons. Do we need a commercial? I think all women old enough to have a period know what to do when they get it. A lightbulb isn't going to go off in your head after seeing a commercial and a puddle of blood on the sofa and make you think "Hmmmmmmmm...maybe I should buy a tampon!"

Ladies, I don't discriminate. Jock itch sprays/creams, whatever the hell form those come in, should not be advertised either. Guys, long before scratching your balls in front of the TV on a Saturday Night, you should have done something for it ealier in the day.

Marketing foods at night I can understand because it does not take too much to lure a fat fuck out of the house for a Whopper, a Little Debbie Snack cake, or a Taco Bell Burrito. The slightest hint or picture of food could get a fat fuck staggering for the car keys in his/her fuzzy slippers and pool cover sized robe.....but Vagisil? Come on!!!!

Shouldn't they leave ads for certain items off TV? Here are some I would ban:

Douches (sorry, all you not so fresh women!)
Tampons, Maxi Pads (with or without wings), pantyliners, etc
Feminine itch creams
Jock itch creams
Erectile dysfunction medications (4 hour erection? I am not calling my doctor!)
Bladder Control medications

What am I forgetting?

Have A Nice..................Weekend??

"Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a little romance
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby lets go"

On Wednesday I heard one of my employees say "Have a nice weekend" to the Poland Spring delivery guy at work. Granted, the Poland Spring guy only comes every two weeks and my employee would not see him again before the weekend, but isn't that a little premature? Have a nice afternoon, have a nice day, or have a nice night wouldn't have sufficed? It was freakin' Wednesday before noon!!!!! Not even the official halfway point of the work week!

I think the earliest a person should wish someone a "good weekend" is Thursday afternoon if you know you won't see that person again before the weekend. Even Thursday morning isn't close enough I think.....your thoughts?

It is the same bunch of folks that wish someone a "Happy New Year" past January 15th. Even if it is the first time you have seen me since the new year began, too late, just ask me how I've been. I give someone a week to get their Happy New Year salutation out of the way.

I start saying good afternoon at work at 11:30-11:45am when answering my phone. Let's face it, the morning is over.

What are your greeting policies?

Help!

"Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help."

Have you noticed how difficult it is to find someone to help you these days when you are shopping at a retail store? It is next to impossible to locate someone actually working the sales floor.....and when you do find them, it usually "isn't their department." What the fuck?????

I think it would be a hell of a lot easier to find Osama Bin Laden (if we are actually still (or ever were)looking for the guy). Seriously. I walked around a sporting goods store on Sunday for about 15 minutes before I spotted an employee and the one I eventually found was no help at all. Between the language barrier and lack of knowledge about anything the store he works in sells, I was screwed and left the store empty handed.

The Home Depot is known for the "not my department" bullshit. Translation "I don't want to help you fucko!" I went into a Home Depot a few weeks ago for a special light bulb and I got hit with the "not my department" crap. Hey asshole, I didn't ask you who invented the lightbulb, nor did I ask you to hold my hand and escort me down the fuckin' yellow brick road to find them, just humor me with a point in the right direction. The douche nozzle made it sound like I wanted him to explain the inner workings of the bulb to me.

That's why I have a new strategy when I go shopping. Seek out the retarded or handicapped employee. Really, no joke. They are thrilled to be employed and earning a paycheck and go out of their way to help. As a former retail manager, I can tell you, the handicapped or mentally challenged employees are the best, by far. So next time you are shopping, look for the employee with drool on his/her smock or the one twitching in the corner, you will get top notch service.

I Think I Am Ready.....

To start writing again. It is funny where life can take you. I have been away from writing and blogging for a long while. I have missed it. Anyway, here is a recap on where I have been and what I have been up to:

In April, I moved to a new place. It is a few houses from the ocean with an amazing view of it from the deck. It is a nice place to call home, for now.

I met an amazing woman in April. Her name is Jen and I feel like I have known her for years. She is thoughtful, caring, kind, fun, beautiful, and a million other things. I am very lucky to have met her and I am thankful for each day we have together. We spend the weekends together here at the beach or at her place in Queens and she comes out to Long Beach on Tuesday Nights. It is really nice.

Bruce is doing great....he is slimming down a bit. I drop him off each day before work at an old neighbor's house. She has two dogs and two kids and he plays all day with them while I am at work. It tires him out so I get some relief at night when he passes out early! :)

I am still at the same job. I have taken on some different/additional roles. I have gotten into some sales and it is good extra money. I don't see this company as a long term career but it is good for now.

I got out of a very tough but brief "relationship" late last year. I should have never gotten involved with this person, but I did. It is amazing how one person can take your life into a whole other direction....especially when it is the wrong direction. I did not write about her at all last year. She was someone I was with after Tiny A but before I dated Caren. It has taken a lot to get beyond all that happened with this person.....

Speaking of Tiny A, we have a nice friendship now. Like me, she has met someone great for her and is happy. I couldn't be happier for her. I last saw her on St. Patrick's Day. We had a nice day together here in Long Beach. I am hoping to see her soon, introduce her to Jen and meet her boyfriend.

I have not seen or heard much of the Sugar V. We spoke briefly last week for the first time in months. I miss him and our talks/laughs.

I am still running. I actually bought that NIKE chip you put in your sneaker that communicates distance/speed etc to your IPOD. It really is a good motivating tool. It tracks everything!

My family (mom, dad, brother) all moved to Raleigh, NC in November. It is weird not having them around. They are doing well though. My brother had a new house built and moves in on June 21st!

Well, that's the scoop! My blog has a new link, so link me if you are an old blogger friend! I will be getting back to writing a few days a week...hopefully with some funny shit like the "old days!"