So Many Drugs, So Few "Conditions"

  

Drug companies have to stop making up diseases! I don't know what "the terrorists" are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials: breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner and male menopause, I would welcome death. Bring it on! Deadly nerve gas? Please, I've got seasonal allergies!

I mean, it seems like every time I turn on the TV these days, I see some ad for some drug I never heard of, to treat some disease I've never heard of. That's not a stomach ache you have from eating the seventy-five buffalo wings on 10 cent wing night, it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Or I.B.S. Or as I call it, "B.S." Which would also apply to the dreaded "Social Anxiety Disorder." Or as they used to call it, "shyness." We treated it with an old home recipe: a bottle of vodka and a hooker.

Your wife doesn't get turned on? Well, it couldn't be because you're a 350 pound snowman-shaped sausage casing, so full of beer you sweat hops. It's because she has "Female Sexual Dysfunction."

Your husband doesn't get turned on? Well, it couldn't be the 5,000 calorie a day diet you are on and the three chins you have...it is because he has "Erectile Dysfunction."

And before they came up with "Restless Leg Syndrome," did that even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, "Sorry I couldn't make the party, Charlie....the old restless leg was acting up." You know, next time you have an uncontrollable urge to move your feet, maybe you should just...move your feet! Your feet are trying to tell you the same thing your dog is trying to tell you when he's been cooped up in the house all day: "I want to go for a fucking walk!"

But be careful. There's a Tasmanian Devil living under your toenail. He lives way way below the nail's surface.......

I am waiting for the ad that tells me that my morning hard-on is actually "Hard Dick Syndrome." Or H.D.S...and there's a cartoon bunny who says, "Are you bothered by morning stiffness? Try Flaccidix. Flaccidix is specially formulated to make your penis soft and more manageable. Ridiculous......

Drug companies are the dealers, and Congress and the FDA are the cop on the beat who's been paid off to look the other way. New drugs used to have to go through a rigorous process of testing. Now they just give it to Courtney Love or Robert Downey Jr, and if they live....it's approved.