BOO!

  

When you REALLY think about it, Halloween is child abuse. One day every year we send kids out into the night to talk to strangers. Then when they get to the homes of these strangers, they accept candy from them. Then when they get home with all their treats, we throw away the one healthy snack, the apple, because it may have a razor blade in it and encourage the kids to eat all the sugar......

Candy corn? What is this crap? Why do we call it a "treat" if everyone hates it? We got rid of the Tony Danza show, yet we can't get rid of candy corn. Anyone who hands this shit out to kids today really wants them to die, but they just don't have the guts to stick the razor blade in that healthy apple.

If you forgot to buy Halloween candy, just say so. Don't hand out random crap from your kitchen. Last year, there was a guy on Sugar V's block who was handing out batteries and mini-packets of soy sauce. Sugar V got so pissed, he poked him in the eye with his fairy wand.

Women must admit that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a whore. Ladies, nurses don't wear fishnet stockings. Kittens don't own pushup bras. Real French maids don't shave their underarms. Now — now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for women getting in touch with their "inner slut," but, 'fess up, Halloween has become less about candy and more about the "Haunted Ho's."

Banks must stop putting up Halloween decorations and open up another teller window. You're a bank, not a college dorm room. Your service charges are scary enough.

Have a great day!!!!!

Monday Mix......

Did this weekend fly by or is it just me? Ok, it did fly by even with the additional hour.

The night we turn our clocks back could be my least favorite day/night of the year. I despise leaving for work in the dark and coming home in darkness.......Where oh where did summer go?

I bought all my Halloween candy today. I packaged it all in cute little treat bags for all the little fuckers that will be trick or treating in my 'hood. When they say "trick or treat" I should just juggle or do a quick trick, eat my own candy as a reward and slam the door on the fuckos.......but seriously, the bags are great and the kids should love them.

Bruce got his Halloween costume today. I bought him a "pimp dog" costume. I have attached some pictures below. More to come on Halloween. He is so pudgy, he can barely fit in the large costume......

I got a "shower radio" a few weeks ago and I am loving it. This morning I busted out the acoustic version of "Livin' On A Prayer" by Bon Jovi and boy did I sound just like him......I love music in the shower....I got some good moves and vocals in there. I should start the shower singing tour...coming to a tub near you.

This weekend was ok. Friday Night Caren came by. We wound up having many cocktails, listening to music, and ordering some food. I really enjoy her company. Can't wait to see her again soon....

The rest of the weekend was "blah." The weather was horrible on Saturday. Downpours and 50MPH winds made for a shitty day. The wind carried over all day Sunday. I woke up Sunday Morning to Bruce and Sampson eating out of the garbage pail outside which tipped over during the night. Their paws and noses were covered in tomato sauce from the food tins from Friday Night and garbage was all over the yard. I looked hot (sarcasm) in a t-shirt, shorts, black dress socks, and flip flops cleaning it up at 7am. Thank God nobody saw me.

My brother leaves for NC on Wednesday. It is going to be weird having him live down there. My parents leave the week after Turkey Day. I am hoping he comes up for the weekend and we all have one last big holiday here in NY. I am hoping to host Thanksgiving again this year. Christmas will truly be strange without them here. I will do my best to make the Christmas holiday my own this year.......

I often think of leaving NY, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how New York I really am. I don't think I could do it. I have such a pride for this place. In my eyes, it is the greatest city in the world.....

St. Louis Cardinals, World Champions? What next an asteroid wiping out the earth? Talk about a shitty team winning the championship. WTF is going on? All we need is the Minnesota Timberwolves winning the NBA championship, an Atlanta Thrashers Stanley Cup team, and a Phoenix Cardinals Superbowl win.......and this wacky year will be complete......

Ok, here is a sneak peek at Bruce's costume. Have a great start to the week.....

  

  

So Many Drugs, So Few "Conditions"

  

Drug companies have to stop making up diseases! I don't know what "the terrorists" are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials: breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner and male menopause, I would welcome death. Bring it on! Deadly nerve gas? Please, I've got seasonal allergies!

I mean, it seems like every time I turn on the TV these days, I see some ad for some drug I never heard of, to treat some disease I've never heard of. That's not a stomach ache you have from eating the seventy-five buffalo wings on 10 cent wing night, it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Or I.B.S. Or as I call it, "B.S." Which would also apply to the dreaded "Social Anxiety Disorder." Or as they used to call it, "shyness." We treated it with an old home recipe: a bottle of vodka and a hooker.

Your wife doesn't get turned on? Well, it couldn't be because you're a 350 pound snowman-shaped sausage casing, so full of beer you sweat hops. It's because she has "Female Sexual Dysfunction."

Your husband doesn't get turned on? Well, it couldn't be the 5,000 calorie a day diet you are on and the three chins you have...it is because he has "Erectile Dysfunction."

And before they came up with "Restless Leg Syndrome," did that even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, "Sorry I couldn't make the party, Charlie....the old restless leg was acting up." You know, next time you have an uncontrollable urge to move your feet, maybe you should just...move your feet! Your feet are trying to tell you the same thing your dog is trying to tell you when he's been cooped up in the house all day: "I want to go for a fucking walk!"

But be careful. There's a Tasmanian Devil living under your toenail. He lives way way below the nail's surface.......

I am waiting for the ad that tells me that my morning hard-on is actually "Hard Dick Syndrome." Or H.D.S...and there's a cartoon bunny who says, "Are you bothered by morning stiffness? Try Flaccidix. Flaccidix is specially formulated to make your penis soft and more manageable. Ridiculous......

Drug companies are the dealers, and Congress and the FDA are the cop on the beat who's been paid off to look the other way. New drugs used to have to go through a rigorous process of testing. Now they just give it to Courtney Love or Robert Downey Jr, and if they live....it's approved.

Only In New York

I was born and raised here in New York. So, with that being said, it takes a lot for me to be shocked or surprised by the behavior of someone in public. On Sunday, I sat in Central Park with Caren in "Strawberry Fields" and we people watched and were greatly entertained.

Our day started about noon when we met up in Penn Station. We hopped in a taxi and headed to my favorite part of the city, the west side along Central Park. We had brunch at a really great place named Isabella's on W 77th. We had a few mimosas while we waited for a table and chatted for a bit. After about 20 minutes, we were seated at a great table right by the windows where we chatted, people watched, and enjoyed a great brunch. Sugar V and his wife called us during brunch and said they were on their way to the city....

After we ate, Caren and I strolled a few blocks to W 72nd where the John Lennon memorial "Strawberry Fields" is located. It's a mosaic tile which reads "Imagine" which is down a wooded path about 100 yards from the street. We sat on one of the dozens of park benches around the memorial and just took in the sights and sounds...and boy were there plenty.

Our attention was immediately drawn to Gary (picture below). Gary is quite a colorful character. Gary "works" at the memorial. Each day he does something different to decorate the "Imagine" tiles. Sunday, he had flower petals around the exhibit in the shape of a peace sign, It was nicely done. Gary was very drunk on red wine he was "secretly" drinking out of a clear Sprite bottle. Gary would give the same speech every 5 minutes for the two hours we were there. He would say, "Welcome to New York, welcome to the jungle, welcome to Strawberry Fields, I've been coming here for 13 years, been here everyday for the last four, enjoy folks, peace." Then he'd yeall "Where's everyone from?????!!!!!!!" Some people would answer, some would run.....Gary was a riot. Caren and I couldn't stop watching him and his antics. Gary had a miniature guitar near the exhibit for "donations." I thought perhaps the money people tossed in the guitar was to purchase flower petals and items to decorate the exhibit......we found out quickly it was Gary's booze money, as he paid someone withmoney from that guitar for a bottle of red wine they brought him. He carefully poured the red wine into Sprite bottles for "discreet" consumption.

We kept each other warm on the park bench, it was brisk and somewhat chilly on Sunday. While relaxing we noticed another colorful character. This dude (pictured below) had a bag of "sporting goods" that he was trying to sell some folks, including Gary. He was saying how great the stuff he had was, that is was "vintage." It was then that the ball dude, walks like 10 feet from the people he was trying to sell this vintage "memorabilia" to, and started signing the stuff himself......great vintage stuff indeed. The pic below shows our pal signing the stuff with God knows what star's name on it........

As Gary stumbled and played air guitar to the music blaring out of his 1983 boombox, Sugar V called and said he would be to the park in a few. It was then that Gary yelled. "GO AHEAD, KISS YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!" So Caren and I look over and he was gesturing to Caren. Apparently Caren and I had been recently married in a drunken stuper last Saturday Night in between the pizza and "club 69." So we amused him with a kiss.....

Moments later we see Sugar V and Nebraska girl heading deep into the park, apparently Sugar V wanted to head into the woods to make a move on wifey, or to expose himself to some boy scouts. We called him and told him he was going the wrong way........he then got on the right path and met us with all of our new colorful friends.....

After 20 minutes or so, we walked out of the park, towards Columbus Circle (pic below). We went to Columbus Mall and browsed the shops. After a while we decided to go have dinner. We headed towards 9th Ave where here are hundreds of great restaurants. Why we chose "Ralph's Italian Restaurant" or whatever the dude's name was is beyond me......

We walk in and get seated, the lighting was so poor, I needed a flashlight to read the menu. They were one Mexican short of a Mariachi Band in that fine Italian establishment. The food was awful. I think Chef Boyardee makes better sauce.....we high tailed it out of there quicly. Sugar V and I were still so hungry, we stopped at "Grey's Papaya" for one of NYC's finest and most famous hot dogs.....as we strolled back to Penn to catch our trains.....

It was a quick "goodnight" as my train was ready to leave....I had wished it was a Saturday Night so I could have lured Caren back to "the beach." Sugar V, Nebraska Girl, and I boarded the Long Beach Train and continued our insanity......

I decided I was going to make loud growling sounds every 3-5 minutes the whole ride home on the train. This annoyed many people, but intrigued quite a few. We called Caren on her train to get her to hear the craziness we were causing. Mrs. Sugar V was laughing so hard, I thought she would pee her pants......

It was another great time with Caren and the Sugars. I've really gotten to know Caren a bit more the last week or so and she is just great. It's nice to be "in like" again. (is that a term???) I like that I can be myself around her and around Sugar V and Nebraska girl. I am very at ease with all of them. The last two weekends have been so much fun........

So, here are three pics from Sunday......

  

Columbus Circle. Sugar V kept having to say "Hey, is that Columbus???" Referring to the large statue of the famous explorer.....

  

Get your Holiday orders in now...sports memorabilia man has all your favorite sports stars' autographs in stock!!!!!

  

And last but not least...our boy Gary........taking care of Strawberry Fields and keeping things in order down on W 72nd.....

Oh What A Night.....

  

Saturday Night was a night I was looking forward to all week. Sugar V, his wife Nebraska Girl, Caren, Christina, and Joe all came over for homemade pizza night.

I prepared all day cleaning and shopping. I was in charge of all the appetizers. I prepared some great stuff like artichoke hearts, prosciutto, grapes, cheeses, olives, bruchetta, and other odds and ends. Sugar V and Nebraska Girl brought the homemade dough to make the pizza.

Sugar V and wifey arrived about 5. We proceeded to start the sauce and get the appetizers ready for the table. Caren arrived a little while later with treats for my pup and Sugar V's favorite...CANNOLIS! We all had wine and waited for Christina and Joe to arrive.

When Christina and Joe arrived, we sat in my favorite room in the house, the front sun room where we ate, laughed, and listened to music..... not to mention drank wine, LOTS of wine. Earlier that day, I bought 7 bottles...and Joe brought 6 with him...so needless to say we were stocked.

Two hours flew by and we were all tipsy from the wine. Caren and I stayed behind and chatted while the other four went into the kitchen to start the pizzas. I had only seen Caren that one time weeks ago in NYC, so I thought it was a good time to get acquainted...and besides...I did not want to see what four semi-drunk friends were going to do to my kitchen.

While they got the pizzas rolling, I turned on some Italian music to set the mood as the wine kept flowing. There was singing, dancing, flour throwing, and a host of things going on. We thought it would be nice to invite my neighbor Mario, the 76 year old guy from Italy who lives across the street. So Caren and I staggered across the street to get him to come over. He walked across and had so much fun with us.

The pizza was absolutely amazing. Sugar V and the crew did a kick ass job. We then got "club 69" going with disco music, disco lights, and lots of dancing. I even busted out my disco outfit I bought for my block party a couple of months ago...it was a crazy night.

In total, we consumed 12.5 bottles of wine, 8 pizzas, a few trays of appetizers....and lots of cannoli and cannoli cake that Christina had custom made with the name "Sugar V" written across it.

It was great having my closest friends over and it was great talking with Caren all night. My kitchen looked like a crime scene the next morning when I woke up to the two dogs barking on 2 hours sleep, a hangover, and a headache. But, it was worth it. Three hours later, I had a spotless house, a shower, and a full day to sleep......

Why can I drink vodka all night and never get drunk, but I get tipsy from wine so quickly? It is a mystery to me......

This weekend the six of us may be doing the pumpkin picking, wine tasting (oh no, not more wine), and the whole Eastern Long Island autumn experience......I can't wait.

For More On This Story.....

  

Log on to our web site at www.____________. What the fuck is that all about? Don't you hate when you sit through an entire show and get really involved in it, then they wrap it up poorly and say "For more on this story, log onto our website." Why fucko? I am here, just fuckin' tell me now!!! Very frustrating.

Anyway today was John Lennon's birthday. He would have been 66. Somehow I can't picture John as a senior citizen. Just like I can't picture JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison, or James Dean with grey hair. It's weird how these people stay forever young in our minds. I enjoyed the usual noon "Beatles Block" on Q104.3 Today they played all solo John. I cranked it up on my lunch break. I was pounding the steering wheel singing "Give Peace a Chance."

This past Saturday was "Irish Day" here in Long Beach. Each year on the 1st Saturday of the month, the west end shuts down for a parade and a "festival." Basically it is just thousands of drunken people staggering around the neighborhood. Although hearing bagpipes to start the day never hurt anyone....right?

Saturday was a celebration of my Irish side....today, although I worked, was a celebration of my Italian side. I took a ride to an amazing italian store for lunch. I got the best sandwich. Prosciutto, Salami, Roasted red peppers, and fresh mozzarella on semolina bread. I couldn't help but wash it down with a liter of Pellegrino sparkling water.

It's a great fall evening here in Long Beach. My run was great and the view outside right now is even better..although the dogs rolling around and nipping at each other somehow takes away from the tranquility.

Hope you all had a fun weekend! :)

FOLLOW ME!!!!!!

For the best Corned Beef Sandwich in town.

There is a Kosher Deli in town that has a fleet of vans that read "FOLLOW ME FOR THE BEST CORNED BEEF SANDWICH IN TOWN" on the back door of each vehicle.

Friday Night T-Unit and I went to dinner and had a couple of drinks. On the way back to my house we spotted one of the Kosher Deli vans in front of us. I said to T-Unit. "Let's follow him and see what happens." T-Unit thought I was nuts, but we followed the deli van.

Everytime the van would stop at a home for a delivery we would just pull up behind it and watch. The deli dude started to become paranoid after about 30 minutes and 5 stops. Finally, after 45 minutes, the deli guy jerks the van to the side of the road and gets out. He was a heavyset Jewish guy complete with a "YARMULKE" on his head. (That's actually how it is spelled)

He says to us "Why are you following me????????!!!!!!"
I say "I want the best corned beef sandwich in town"
He storms away, slams his van door and peels out with the van.

We laughed the rest of the night.

That Autumn Feel

  

Sure I am still in denial that summer is over. I still have all the windows open, my bedroom air conditioner runs all night, I still run in shorts, wear polo shirts to work, and refuse to put the beach gear away. But lately, autumn is in the air.

I had my first slice of pumpkin pie last night. That flavor IS autumn. Just the smell of pumpkin pie makes me think of fall. I went out and bought a bunch of pumpkin pie scented candles and lit them all over the house tonight. The crisp breeze is blowing, playoff baseball is on TV, all I need is "Moondance" on the stereo to make this fall night complete.

The leaves don't start turning real color for another week or so here on Long Island. They don't reach their peak color until the last week of the month. I can't wait for the Sunday drives out to the vineyards, the farm stands, the pumpkin patches and the fall foliage.

Anyway, I've been so busy, sorry I haven't checked in. Lots of social activities going on. I need to get back in the blogging swing of things.........

Hope you all have a great weekend. I have some good stuff planned.....should be fun. Go Yankees!

The Time Has Come

  

Well here we are, October. Crisp autumn breezes, 7pm sunsets, falling leaves, air conditioners taken out of the windows, and playoff baseball. The playoffs start today and I am so ready!

The front windows of my home are complete with NY Yankees decor. You can feel the spirit of the playoffs throughout the neighborhood. Although there are quite a few METS fans on the block as well.

Around the corner, there is a deli that I stop by often. The staff in there are obsessed Mets fans who all wear Mets gear, have Mets games 24/7 on the TV's, and pictures of the Mets all over. Needless to say, I get teased a lot when I go in sporting my Yankees cap.

Lately, there has been an old drunk man with his wife and dog that hang out at the front door of the deli each night in their Mets gear. The old dude has been heckling me and crazy for the last week. Tonight was the first night in a while that i was able to go in for my snack without being harrassed, because according to the deli clerk..."You just missed him!!!" Wheeeeeeeew.

April seems like an eternity ago for me. I moved in May, had a long and crazy summer, said goodbye to some, and hello to some new people.....but the constant has been my Yankees. They are always there for me.

Tonight I have early dinner plans, then I am going to run home like a boy to see the first pitch. For those of you who have a passion for our national pastime, you understand what the next few weeks mean when your team is in the playoffs. When you are a Yankee fan, a Yankee player, or the Yankees owner, just making it isn't enough. Anything short of a championship is a failure.